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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and mum don’t get on

99 replies

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 08:43

We’ve been together 13 1/2 years. My DH is estranged from all his family except his mum who lives an hour away. They’re not close but get on ok. I find her hard work but we only see her every couple of months so just suck it up.

My family live hundreds of miles away but we’re extremely close. The problem is, DH and my mum have never got on. He thinks she meddles. I don’t disagree, but it doesn’t really bother me and I just ignore her if I don’t want the advice. DH grew up in an abusive household so seems to take every comment as a personal attack whereas I see it as a sign of caring.

Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH. We had a row because while I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go. During the argument it came up that I want to move closer to my family for support (we have a toddler and another baby on the way). He point blank refused and said it would unbalance the relationship, essentially saying at the moment neither of us has family support nearby so it’s fair. I think he’s worried if we were nearer my family then everyone would gang up on him. He’s said he would be open to it if it wasn’t for my mum so it feels like it’s totally out of my control.

DS adores his grandparents and I want him to grow up with them nearby like I did, but it’s become clear that’s never going to happen and I feel so sad.

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:25

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 09:22

My mum and dad currently provide childcare 2 days a week despite living hundreds of miles away, so I’m 100% confident they’d be reliable.

Show quote history

Your saying they live hundreds of miles away and do two days of childcare weekly?
How many hundreds of miles? 💩

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:28

ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:21

When you live a long way from people, visits tend to be infrequent and long.
If you moved nearer it could mean (if you set it up this way) that you see more of your family and he sees less!
You could visit little and often, without him!
You wouldn't be staying overnight.
You could engineer it so that you went to them more than they came to you.

That’s exactly what I said but he thinks my mum will be in my ear telling me to leave him.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:30

ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:25

Your saying they live hundreds of miles away and do two days of childcare weekly?
How many hundreds of miles? 💩

Show quote history

About 300. DH agrees it’s good for DS to have some time with grandparents and some at nursery but they won’t be able to do the childcare from such a distance for much longer so he’ll be in nursery full time.

OP posts:
tilsmumsy · 30/12/2023 10:31

What about his life? What if he doesn't want to uproot it and move hundreds of miles away?

You're married to him, not your mother. It's bloody bonkers already that despite living hundreds of miles away your parents are providing 2 days of childcare a week. Why aren't you forging your own independent life and then visiting your parents on a less frequent basis and sticking up for your husband when your mum makes unpleasant and patronising remarks? You admit yourself that your mum meddles. And that's coming from you as her daughter so god knows I can believe your dh has had a belly full of it

gannett · 30/12/2023 10:32

DH grew up in an abusive household so seems to take every comment as a personal attack whereas I see it as a sign of caring.

Or his upbringing means he has a better sense of when someone else is overstepping boundaries, treating him badly or putting him down (as your mum was with that infantilising remark - no doubt just the tip of the iceberg).

I think he’s worried if we were nearer my family then everyone would gang up on him.

He's probably right, from what you've written. At the moment he can keep your family at arm's length, just like you do to his mum. You can't ask him to open himself up to massively increased contact with people he doesn't feel treat him well - imagine how you'd feel if you moved next door to his mum. It turns manageable hard work into daily unpleasantness.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:32

How does that work then? A 600 mile round trip twice a week?

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:33

@GetToHeaven

That’s exactly what I said but he thinks my mum will be in my ear telling me to leave him.

Has he actually said this to you? Is there any truth to that at all? Like your mum expressing any concerns at all about your relationship or ever encouraged you to leave ?

ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:33

GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:28

That’s exactly what I said but he thinks my mum will be in my ear telling me to leave him.

Show quote history

Why does he think that if she never criticised him and says he's a good dad?

Finlesswonder · 30/12/2023 10:35

You're very disingenuous. You presented it to us as being close to them despite them leaving hundreds of miles away, but actually they are round your house two days a week. Presumably that means they stay over night?

So your DH already has to spend one night and two days a week with a woman who feels okay telling him to cough more quietly in his own hone?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/12/2023 10:38

Blown away by some of the comments on here abusing OPs mother when you have zero idea of the true dynamic. I'm sorry for you that they don't get on OP, that is such a shame. Could you ask your DM to consider having a chat with DH and promising to try not to make any of the comments etc that he doesn't like?

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:42

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:33

@GetToHeaven

That’s exactly what I said but he thinks my mum will be in my ear telling me to leave him.

Has he actually said this to you? Is there any truth to that at all? Like your mum expressing any concerns at all about your relationship or ever encouraged you to leave ?

Yes he said that to me last night. No, my mum has never encouraged me to leave or expressed concerns about my relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:44

Finlesswonder · 30/12/2023 10:35

You're very disingenuous. You presented it to us as being close to them despite them leaving hundreds of miles away, but actually they are round your house two days a week. Presumably that means they stay over night?

So your DH already has to spend one night and two days a week with a woman who feels okay telling him to cough more quietly in his own hone?

We’re in her home, she hasn’t said anything like that to him in her home. Before they started providing childcare I asked if DH was happy with it and he agreed to it because it saves us so much money and he thinks it’s good for DS. I would never have arranged it without his agreement.

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 30/12/2023 10:44

How was his coughing keeping your dad awake? Was your dad in the living room sleeping or did your mum come into your bedroom to tell him off?

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:47

@GetToHeaven things are becoming clearer then. He's insecure and trying to control you. While his background makes this understandable, it doesn't make his behaviour ok or your cross to bear. He needs to get some help (maybe therapy) to untangle his issues and improve his self esteem, rather than trying to control and isolate you just in case one day you'll leave him. It's akin to the Cleverly guy comments.

How is he with your friends, you spending time with them,going out etc?

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:49

ArchetypalBusyMum · 30/12/2023 10:33

Why does he think that if she never criticised him and says he's a good dad?

Show quote history

He’s convinced that whenever we have an argument I talk to my mum and she encourages me to leave. There’s no truth in it. I sometimes talk to my mum if we’ve had a fight but she always encourages me to apologise if I’m in the wrong and to work it out. She’s never said I should leave.

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:49

Finlesswonder · 30/12/2023 10:35

You're very disingenuous. You presented it to us as being close to them despite them leaving hundreds of miles away, but actually they are round your house two days a week. Presumably that means they stay over night?

So your DH already has to spend one night and two days a week with a woman who feels okay telling him to cough more quietly in his own hone?

At no point was it said it was in his own home. You just assumed that to suit a narrative. An incorrect assumption at that.

And I tell OH to try and cough quieter in his own home if it's keeping me awake. Just like he does.

Whattodowithit88 · 30/12/2023 10:50

Tell your mum that DH is sensitive and can she not comment on things to make life easier for you. I’m sure she would be fine with that.

tilsmumsy · 30/12/2023 10:51

Using family for unpaid childcare simply to save you money is never a good idea. I imagine a 600 mile round trip is pretty costly anyway.

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 10:53

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:47

@GetToHeaven things are becoming clearer then. He's insecure and trying to control you. While his background makes this understandable, it doesn't make his behaviour ok or your cross to bear. He needs to get some help (maybe therapy) to untangle his issues and improve his self esteem, rather than trying to control and isolate you just in case one day you'll leave him. It's akin to the Cleverly guy comments.

How is he with your friends, you spending time with them,going out etc?

He doesn’t like most of my friends. He doesn’t stop me seeing them but we almost never socialise as a couple because of it. I’ve suggested therapy either as a couple or on his own but he refuses. I’ve had counselling in the past to try to help our relationship/communication and it helped a bit but I think it would be helpful for a neutral person to be able to speak to us both.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 30/12/2023 10:54

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:49

At no point was it said it was in his own home. You just assumed that to suit a narrative. An incorrect assumption at that.

And I tell OH to try and cough quieter in his own home if it's keeping me awake. Just like he does.

Show quote history

And you've tried to make out he's controlling her and stopping her seeing her friends which turns out to be untrue. What's your agenda?

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 10:55

“Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH. We had a row because while I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go. During the argument it came up that I want to move closer to my family for support (we have a toddler and another baby on the way”

^How and why did the conversation about potentially moving come up during an argument? Seems like the worst time to talk about it. Surely that is something for you and he to discuss alone and not with your parents and certainly not during an argument.

Also I actually think it’s really unkind to ask someone to cough quieter. Most people can’t control coughing or the volume of their cough. That’s sounds patronising and unreasonable to me. I don’t think I’d want to spend time with people who say things like that to me constantly.

I wonder if, as he has an abusive family that he cut it, he actually has much better boundaries about what he will and won’t accept. If your parents are down twice a week he is seeing them a lot already.

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:57

@GetToHeaven then your mum is a fucking saint for never raising concerns, because I'm a stranger on the internet and I'd tell you to leave him. He doesn't get to refuse when his issues impact on your life and relationships. You're not his emotional support animal and other people are not a threat.

PaperDoIIs · 30/12/2023 10:59

@Finlesswonder wrong. I asked a question. OP replied. He doesn't like most of her friends either. No he doesn't stop her socialising, but his disapproval of them will have an impact.

He doesn't like her friends or her family, that's all ok and normal yeah?

Original poster
GetToHeaven · 30/12/2023 11:02

Eekmystro · 30/12/2023 10:55

“Things came to a head last night when my mum made a comment to DH. We had a row because while I accept the comment was annoying, I don’t see why he can’t just let it go. During the argument it came up that I want to move closer to my family for support (we have a toddler and another baby on the way”

^How and why did the conversation about potentially moving come up during an argument? Seems like the worst time to talk about it. Surely that is something for you and he to discuss alone and not with your parents and certainly not during an argument.

Also I actually think it’s really unkind to ask someone to cough quieter. Most people can’t control coughing or the volume of their cough. That’s sounds patronising and unreasonable to me. I don’t think I’d want to spend time with people who say things like that to me constantly.

I wonder if, as he has an abusive family that he cut it, he actually has much better boundaries about what he will and won’t accept. If your parents are down twice a week he is seeing them a lot already.

My parents went involved in the argument. My mum said that to him then he came into our room complaining about it (which, as I said it fair enough). During that he said it’s the reason he’ll never move closer. That’s how it came up. I wouldn’t have raised it right then as I agree it’s totally the wrong time to have the conversation.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 30/12/2023 11:05

I’m on the fence with you updates. My mum meddles so I know a lot about this. Im my view there is meddling and meddling: some meddling ( like about coughing) is annoying and controlling when you treat everyone as children and there is meddling when you are keeping an eye on your child as you are not sure how secure her life is.
By the way, I deal with my mum’s meddling myself trying to prevent. It’s very annoying for a grown up person to be treated like this. But it’s the first type of meddling with me.

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