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Original poster

Aibu to be expecting marriage

101 replies

Kg1988 · 29/12/2023 22:44

Hi so I’m writing this from a Romantic hotel in the lakes… where once again I got my hopes up that my other half was proposing.
we’re both divorced, and have known each other for a decade. We’ve been together about 2 years and live together.
we’ve had hundreds of convos about being married to each other and what often happens is it’s brought up by him when he’s drinking that he wants me to be his wife. He made a comment about ‘just wait until Xmas’ last month, then nothing happened. We also just had my birthday and nada.
im really sad and at a loss what to do. I don’t want to say anything because it just ruins the whole concept surely? But I’m tormented at the same time.

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 29/12/2023 22:50

Take up some new hobbies in the new year. Enjoy your best life and if it happens it happens but wee shake up from being maybe viewed as old faithful might be what’s needed.

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2023 22:52

Speak to him again about booking a venue and planning it
Propose to him

Take your control over it back

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2023 22:56

Urgh. I'm not married to dp and it's not on the agenda but I'd hate to be treated like this. Do you really want to marry him? 2 years seems quite short tbh.

I think the best option is just to forget about marrying him and just change the subject if he brings it up.

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 22:59

Just say you’d like to get married this year - would he prefer July or August

And then unless he says neither just crack on with organising it

i know it’s not quite what you wanted but it’s the next best thing. You waiting passively while he dicks you around isn’t good for your relationship power balance

category12 · 29/12/2023 23:02

Talk about it and say "shall we book a venue?"

If you want to get married, you're a grown woman, he's a grown man, you've both done it before - can't you just talk about when and how it's going to happen instead of this passive waiting for a proposal like you're in a historical novel?

category12 · 29/12/2023 23:06

We also just had my birthday and nada. im really sad and at a loss what to do. I don’t want to say anything because it just ruins the whole concept surely?

Yeah, like waiting for a proposal isn't spoiling Christmas and your birthday and your romantic getaway 🙄

Jk987 · 29/12/2023 23:07

You don't need a proposal to get married.

Why is getting married again so important anyway? Sounds like you're in a happy relationship, why the rush to change things?

Prayfortheangels · 29/12/2023 23:08

Just bloody ask him.

starynightskys · 29/12/2023 23:22

Id be thinking my first marriage didnt work not doing it again.
You dont have to have a ring and paper to be happy.

Dillydollydingdong · 29/12/2023 23:30

As long as you protect yourself financially you're better off single, IMHO, surely? Make sure your name is on the house deeds, and you have access to the bank accounts. Marriages have to last so long (just think, to 80?) most of them don't.

HappyBusman · 29/12/2023 23:35

What’s the ‘whole concept’ that might get ‘ruined’ if you decide to act like the adult woman you are and stop hanging around hoping your boyfriend might propose on key occasions?

SecondUsername4me · 29/12/2023 23:39

Unless you are planning on having kids with him and reducing your earnings/pension because of having a family with him, is marriage worth it? Having done it before?

If he was against marriage, would you stay with him?

I'd not be hanging on waiting to ask - not a very healthy power balance imo.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 29/12/2023 23:43

Let NYE and NYD happen first, as these are two days he might be doing it.

If nothing happens, ask him why he said, specifically regarding marriage "wait til Christmas" as it seems to have passed?

Do not let him fob you off with how he was going to wait for Valentine's, but oh look, you've ruined the surprise now. How convenient for him eh. If a man wants to marry you he will.

Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2023 23:47

do either of you have children? Are you planning to have children together?

I wouldn’t remarry because my financial commitment is to my existing child. I would make that clear to a romantic interest though.

category12 · 29/12/2023 23:50

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 29/12/2023 23:43

Let NYE and NYD happen first, as these are two days he might be doing it.

If nothing happens, ask him why he said, specifically regarding marriage "wait til Christmas" as it seems to have passed?

Do not let him fob you off with how he was going to wait for Valentine's, but oh look, you've ruined the surprise now. How convenient for him eh. If a man wants to marry you he will.

She could wait past Valentine's and then propose herself on the 29th Feb as it's a leap year this year, if she wants tradition.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 30/12/2023 09:09

category12 · 29/12/2023 23:50

She could wait past Valentine's and then propose herself on the 29th Feb as it's a leap year this year, if she wants tradition.

Show quote history

I don't think the issue is her ability to propose though, so her doing so isn't a solution as such.

The issue is why he specifically brings up marriage, essentially told her he would be proposing at Christmas, building her up for the proposal, and hasn't done it, nor acknowledged that he hasn't.

It's his deliberate carrying on as if this elephant wasn't in the room, that's verging on gaslighting. And OP needs to call him out.

Original poster
Kg1988 · 30/12/2023 09:13

Guess it’s mixed messages because he just said over breakfast he thinks we need a year of stability and no changes for 2024. So I’ve totally misread our position, or rather he’s mislead it

OP posts:
Trieditall · 30/12/2023 09:17

Can’t you say, ‘Why did you say ‘Wait till Christmas?’ I thought you meant you were going to propose.’

Don’t let him off the hook and pretend he hasn’t been hinting and leading you on.

perfectcolourfound · 30/12/2023 09:17

Yes he's misled you. He's future faking by the sound of it.

Or he gets soppy when he's drunk but in the cold light of day realises he doesn't want to get married.

Of itself I don't think 2 years is a particularly long time, and wouldn't expect to be engaged by then necessarily. BUT in this case, you've made clear you'd like to be married and he's agreed, and even insinuated he's proposing. THAT'S what I'd be unhappy about. The misleading / lying. It would be a cards on the table moment for me: 'Why do you say you want to be married, then change your mind? Why do you suggest you're about to propose then not do it? Just be honest and tell me how you see this panning out. I'll then decide if I'm happy with it'.

Wishimaywishimight · 30/12/2023 09:18

Kg1988 · 30/12/2023 09:13

Guess it’s mixed messages because he just said over breakfast he thinks we need a year of stability and no changes for 2024. So I’ve totally misread our position, or rather he’s mislead it

He's lining you up for another year of no proposal / marriage. If you bring up the subject he can say he has already told you he wants no changes in 2024.

If you propose I think he will either say "no" or, more likely somethink like "it's not the right time" i.e. kicking the can further down the road.

Original poster
Kg1988 · 30/12/2023 09:24

So in terms of timescale there’s no major rush, and I wasn’t really bothered about being married it’s only as times gone on together that he’s discussed being husband and wife as important to him and an honour to be my husband. (Also worth noting we’ve been in love for a long time, and we’re not young as such- middle aged and no plans to have children together.)

he does have a tendency to say stuff and then Peddle backwards on things occasionally, and I think this is what’s happened, other than saying these words to me over the last few years he’s made no progress to actually action it.
just a. Shame because I’m at the point where I (and everyone around us) pressumes proposals reguarly, on holidays or occasions etc and if you get me- it kinda ruins the moment cause you can’t enjoy the activity as it feels like a let down?
urghhhh need to think about how I discuss this with him. I just went mute when he said a year of no changes etc I couldn’t utter a word

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/12/2023 09:28

Do one or both of you have DC?

HappyBusman · 30/12/2023 09:35

Why are you being so passive? Getting married is not solely the other person’s decision. The way you seem to have accepted his announcement that he thinks you ‘need a year of stability and no changes in 2024’ makes him sound like a CEO announcing a five-year plan to his underlings!

And yet you seem very hesitant to say ‘That’s not what I want. I want to get married this year. If that’s not something you want, we need to have a serious conversation about our future’.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 30/12/2023 09:39

Don't waste your life waiting for a proposal like the main character in a Jane Austen novel. If you want to be married tell him and ask him whether he agrees to set a date. You don't need a proposal and it doesn't need to be him surprising you by dropping to one knee with a ring.

If you really feel you need a proposal leap day isn't far away, do it yourself on 29th Feb.

Summonedbybees · 30/12/2023 09:45

I know men and women who won't re marry because it affects their kids inheritance. The main point of marriage is to protect the relationship when raising children. if there are no children do you need marriage?