Aibu to be expecting marriage

[Kg1988]

Hi so I’m writing this from a Romantic hotel in the lakes… where once again I got my hopes up that my other half was proposing.
we’re both divorced, and have known each other for a decade. We’ve been together about 2 years and live together.
we’ve had hundreds of convos about being married to each other and what often happens is it’s brought up by him when he’s drinking that he wants me to be his wife. He made a comment about ‘just wait until Xmas’ last month, then nothing happened. We also just had my birthday and nada.
im really sad and at a loss what to do. I don’t want to say anything because it just ruins the whole concept surely? But I’m tormented at the same time.

So one moment he tells you (and your kid) he wants to get married and next moment he changes his mind. Using finances as an excuse. I couldn't be bothered with a man who doesn't do what he says. He is never going to marry you by the sound of it.

Tell him to either put up or SFU! However, given that you both have already been divorced, two years together isn’t that long.

I can never understand why women can drive, have jobs, go to university, live on their own etc and still wait around drumming their fingers anxiously for a proposal.

Marriage is about whether your formalize your relationship, commiting to stay together long term and unify finances etc. It's an important thing. If you want it, advocate for it rather than waving your fan coquettishly on the sidelines, hoping to be asked.

What is it he can't afford. Ring or wedding? You can choose an affordable ring together and don't need a massive wedding.

I would be furious with him. I'd tell him, 'This is bloody ridiculous. The pair of us are too old for you to be playing stupid games like this. You're sad that you're not financially able? Grow up! I'm not expecting a £20,000 princess wedding - I'm expecting some respect and commitment. And how DARE you speak to my child about this and then back peddle. At the moment I'm considering whether I want to remain in this relationship after all your nonsense.

Yep, buy a ring that suits your budget and nip to the registry office, all quite affordable!

He is a man who does not do what he says he will do, and is happy to feed you a load of hot air then 180. Have a good old think if that's what you want to be married to.

Prioritise your child. You don't say how old they are but telling them he's going to marry you and then changing his mind is a big deal, he is taking the piss.

OP, I really feel for you. I’m in a situation like this except we have two children together. I know a lot of people giving advice can see that your DP is not being fair. It’s very hard when it’s you in that situation, especially when you have had conversations, said what you want, then they go back on their word. It makes you feel as if you’re going mad, or quite frankly not good enough.
I hope all works out for you x

If you are feeling tormented, it is because he is tormenting you. Do you want to marry someone who would do this?

Further update
we talked last night about this and I explained that for the last twelve months he’s inadvertently led me to believe that engagement and marriage was something on the horizon and in the making. Last year I made huge sacrifices (purely on my part) to be together including leaving my location, moving my child to a new school, leaving my friends etc. and I’d assumed because the topics were agreed and openly raised (regularly)by him, that was the plan.
i explained that since we talked at Xmas about this, and my misunderstanding of him proposing, he’s progressed the subject furthermore talking about a ring, a guest list and wedding size, even last week sending me a link to a location titled ‘when it happens this could be our honeymoon destination’. Then he’s 180-ed yesterday based on money.

so I’ve laid all the above out to him, and said I want to take the option of marriage off the table, I’m not sure it’s the right route for us. I explained that I don’t want to experience these relationships milestone moments under this circumstance which feels tainted, nor do I want you to feel under pressure, or me to feel disappointed or led on and unclear where i stand.
xx

Two years isn't that long to be together. What's the rush?

I am not sure taking marriage off the table is the right plan. You talk about the changes you’ve made- what signs are there he is committed to the relationship in the same way? Because he’s full of shit on the marriage front and mentioning it to your child is beyond the pale.

I can't believe you have uprooted yourself and your child ( including moving schools) for this. Please don't waste anymore of your life chasing rainbows.

So what did he say in response? "Yeah, OK"?

X

What’s finances got to do with it, given you already live together? If he has limited savings he, just go down the Registry and go low key. Take your kids for a pub meal? If you really want to do it there are ways, money is not an excuse.

Why did you uproot your child for a man?! Ugh. He sounds like a tool. What a mess.

Urgh, sorry OP. I don’t think marriage is a big deal, but it does feel a bit like you’ve given him exactly what he wants by taking it off the table. You’ve kinda said “I’ll do everything you need to make this work, but don’t expect this relationship to progress further.”

I dunno. Not sure this is progress. He just seems a bit useless.

Yes he is absolutely messing you around. I cannot believe you moved your child’s life for this either.

there are always people on posts like these who say why not propose to him. They remind me of the people who say things like why not buy more taps about countries with inadequate water supplies…

She has moved her child’s entire life for s man who lied to her child. It had already been rushed. Marriage isnt the issue here anymore. it is the complete lack of commitment by him when op had thrown everything at this.

Oh good he sounds really horrible OP. I'm not a starry eyed romantic and see marriage as a very practical solution but he's been utterly inconsiderate of your feelings. You have every right to be pissed off.

Just to be clear I’m very much aware that I’ve messed up here regarding my child. And my situation now is not good at all. I know this. I wish I could backtrack.

But the move made sense at the time- a great school space came available, my house has sold and the question was do I buy solo and set myself up when that’s not the long term plans for our family.

I now see I’ve made a huge error.
I’m prepared to stay even though the above issues re marriage and him messing with me, makes me incredibly said, but for the sake of stability of my child, ending the relationship would uproot him and frankly they both have an amazing relationship which I value over my own well-being.

Can you afford to get your own place?

Have you given him the money from the house sale and is your child his?
He’s got cold feet and has led you on which is disgusting. I’d struggle to respect him after this. What a man child!

So sorry to read your story. You must have much less respected for him now - he just seems flaky and unreliable - a bit of a blabbermouth even that has caused you to uproot your whole life. Is this almost a breach of promise in legal terms? Can he get away with his back tracking? I'd be furious. But would you really want to marry him anyway now? You can never be sure he means anything he says.