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Original poster

Aibu to be expecting marriage

101 replies

Kg1988 · 29/12/2023 22:44

Hi so I’m writing this from a Romantic hotel in the lakes… where once again I got my hopes up that my other half was proposing.
we’re both divorced, and have known each other for a decade. We’ve been together about 2 years and live together.
we’ve had hundreds of convos about being married to each other and what often happens is it’s brought up by him when he’s drinking that he wants me to be his wife. He made a comment about ‘just wait until Xmas’ last month, then nothing happened. We also just had my birthday and nada.
im really sad and at a loss what to do. I don’t want to say anything because it just ruins the whole concept surely? But I’m tormented at the same time.

OP posts:
Motnight · 17/01/2024 07:58

Kg1988 · 17/01/2024 07:10

Just to be clear I’m very much aware that I’ve messed up here regarding my child. And my situation now is not good at all. I know this. I wish I could backtrack.

But the move made sense at the time- a great school space came available, my house has sold and the question was do I buy solo and set myself up when that’s not the long term plans for our family.

I now see I’ve made a huge error.
I’m prepared to stay even though the above issues re marriage and him messing with me, makes me incredibly said, but for the sake of stability of my child, ending the relationship would uproot him and frankly they both have an amazing relationship which I value over my own well-being.

Edited

This is not going to end well.

anythinginapinch · 17/01/2024 08:09

I'm sorry but you've been very foolish imo, and let yourself be suckered by a man who wants all the good bits but no legal commitment or responsibility. Men like this rely on women's (stupid) romanticism. He does not need to propose. You do not need to get "engaged". This is all romantic crap spun to women to keep men in control of their commitments.

You say to him - "i love you, you love me, i want us to marry in April and have booked a registry. Let's talk about whether we want a church service too, and a party afterwards". Sod romantic fucking proposals.

Caffeinedetox · 17/01/2024 10:10

Kg1988 · 16/01/2024 16:12

So update on this I did discuss with him everything. He was sad because inhad been upset and he ageeed it’s exactly what he wants. He was sorry about the misunderstanding over Xmas and birthday period etc.
anyway, going forward he knew this was something I wanted and was on my radar.
since then he has dropped a number of hints about wanting to propose this year, saving for it, etc. at the weekend he even mentioned us getting married to our child.

today he wanted to talk because he wants this but he’s not in a position financially.
I’m so upset by this, grateful he’s been honest but annoyed that he’s teased it again several times and even spoken to my child about it.

I am fed up of being played with. I can barely speak to him right now.

@Kg1988 I'm sorry but if you have to have this many discussions about him proposing / getting married, it's not going to happen. If it's what you want but he doesn't, I would have to move on as it's not going to end well.

Caffeinedetox · 17/01/2024 10:13

HoppingPavlova · 17/01/2024 06:34

What’s finances got to do with it, given you already live together? If he has limited savings he, just go down the Registry and go low key. Take your kids for a pub meal? If you really want to do it there are ways, money is not an excuse.

This. Finances are just an excuse people use when they don't want to get married. My best friend and her DP went down to the local registry office then went out for dinner with a few close friends and family. Everyone paid for themselves. Probably cost them about £500 max. And you don't even have to go for a meal after if you're that skint. "Not being able to afford it" is an excuse.

NewYear24 · 17/01/2024 10:14

I couldn’t live with someone if they didn’t think I was special enough to want to marry.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 17/01/2024 10:29

he’s inadvertently led me to believe that engagement and marriage was something on the horizon and in the making.

It was not "inadvertent". He knew you were making all those profound changes in the hope of getting married very soon, and he let you keep on thinking it because that was convenient for him. Yes he was playing with you.

at the weekend he even mentioned us getting married to our child.

Then he is not just playing with you and your feelings - he is playing with your child's feelings as well.

for the sake of stability of my child, ending the relationship would uproot him and frankly they both have an amazing relationship which I value over my own well-being.

Do not lock yourself and your child any more deeply into a relationship with a man who has treated you and your child so badly. You would not be doing your child any favours. Their "amazing relationship" is all on the surface - it is not based on him having real respect for your child's needs.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 17/01/2024 10:31

HappyBusman · 30/12/2023 09:35

Why are you being so passive? Getting married is not solely the other person’s decision. The way you seem to have accepted his announcement that he thinks you ‘need a year of stability and no changes in 2024’ makes him sound like a CEO announcing a five-year plan to his underlings!

And yet you seem very hesitant to say ‘That’s not what I want. I want to get married this year. If that’s not something you want, we need to have a serious conversation about our future’.

This 100%

Dontbeme · 17/01/2024 11:23

for the sake of stability of my child, ending the relationship would uproot him and frankly they both have an amazing relationship which I value over my own well-being.

Respectfully OP, you are crazy to stay in this relationship. This man, knowing how you expected a proposal after uprooting yourself and your DC, failed to propose and now has involved your DC in this stringing you along nonsense. Can you not see what he has done, he has included your DC in this as he felt you pulling away and questioning his intentions. Now if (when more likely) you do leave you will have to explain to DC why you are leaving as DP has told DC he wants to marry you, he has maneuvered you into being the bad guy that will be breaking your DC heart by not continuing with this farce. He has maneuvered you into staying in a relationship that is not offering what you want by manipulating your DC emotionally, this is not a good man. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you have to stay and keep making it.

SecondUsername4me · 17/01/2024 11:29

When you moved in with him, did you lose any benefits?

Mitherations · 17/01/2024 11:30

The amazing relationship your child has with him is likely a lot to do with the fact that children will do what they need to do in order to keep themselves emotionally safe, and in this case that's bonding with him amidst the chaos because they can see that is what you want.

If you're going down a road and you realise it's the wrong one, you don't keep going.

None of this is inadvertant, it's the product of two adults choices, and you have more choices to make.

lavenderphase · 17/01/2024 12:25

Kg1988 · 17/01/2024 07:10

Just to be clear I’m very much aware that I’ve messed up here regarding my child. And my situation now is not good at all. I know this. I wish I could backtrack.

But the move made sense at the time- a great school space came available, my house has sold and the question was do I buy solo and set myself up when that’s not the long term plans for our family.

I now see I’ve made a huge error.
I’m prepared to stay even though the above issues re marriage and him messing with me, makes me incredibly said, but for the sake of stability of my child, ending the relationship would uproot him and frankly they both have an amazing relationship which I value over my own well-being.

Edited

Staying in a relationship for the sake of a child doesn't work when it's with their parent so definitely not with a man who isn't and possibly isn't going to be a consistent and reliable person isn't the best thing for him.

He wants a mum who is happy and content with her life (within reason, life is hard and shit too) and you aren't feeling that with a man who has let you down, misled you and left you feeling confused.

lavenderphase · 17/01/2024 12:27

Mitherations · 17/01/2024 11:30

The amazing relationship your child has with him is likely a lot to do with the fact that children will do what they need to do in order to keep themselves emotionally safe, and in this case that's bonding with him amidst the chaos because they can see that is what you want.

If you're going down a road and you realise it's the wrong one, you don't keep going.

None of this is inadvertant, it's the product of two adults choices, and you have more choices to make.

This is also very true and it's often reported that children have brilliant relationships with caregivers who actually really worry them and they're protecting themselves from harm whether that's physical or emotional and real or perceived.

whatsappdoc · 17/01/2024 13:13

Why do you want to be with someone who is messing with your head and knows he's doing it?

People who live together and have discussed marriage and weddings and venues etc, is there any need for a proposal? Just check the availability of the registry office, venue etc and agree a date surely?

JurassicParkaha · 17/01/2024 13:27

Kg1988 · 17/01/2024 07:10

Just to be clear I’m very much aware that I’ve messed up here regarding my child. And my situation now is not good at all. I know this. I wish I could backtrack.

But the move made sense at the time- a great school space came available, my house has sold and the question was do I buy solo and set myself up when that’s not the long term plans for our family.

I now see I’ve made a huge error.
I’m prepared to stay even though the above issues re marriage and him messing with me, makes me incredibly said, but for the sake of stability of my child, ending the relationship would uproot him and frankly they both have an amazing relationship which I value over my own well-being.

Edited

You can backtrack... Being a martyr about your well being isn't great for your child- they will come to expect relationships to be stressful and unhappy with the man holding all the power based on what they witness. And they can have a fab relationship with him even if you don't all live together. They'll just feel the burden of being your sole reason to exist/be happy/make up for your DP's shortcomings if you don't take charge of your life.

What's most important is you don't sacrifice your future by staying with this man as that won't help anyone. It's not just that he won't marry you after living with you, it's the lying to you about his intentions. Would you have quit your studies etc if he'd been upfront that he'd never marry you? Also money is a BS excuse - it's costs a few hundred to go to the registry office and just have a nice lunch after.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2024 13:32

It’s a bit late to play the martyr now isn’t it. Own the decisions you’ve made to date and the reasons for them and then make a new, rational, pragmatic plan to improve things. If school is worth staying in the area for then get your own place.

Hatty65 · 17/01/2024 15:44

I'd be looking to leave. And saying to my child something along the lines of 'I'm sorry - but X was not who we thought he was. He wasn't prepared to commit to either of us, and we deserve better'.

C00k · 17/01/2024 16:02

You're making your kid live with you and your (ex?) boyfriend out of sheer altruism because you think they like each other? Nope. Don't mess your kids head up, get the man dumped and sort out your housing.

PinkEasterbunny · 17/01/2024 17:44

he’s inadvertently led me to believe that engagement and marriage was something on the horizon and in the making.

There is nothing ‘inadvertent’ about this. He deliberately mis-led you

ImthatBoleyngirl · 18/01/2024 08:57

If you've already had lots of conversations about getting married, then a proposal isn't even needed, you should just be booking the wedding. I hate this waiting around for the man to make the decision crap. Why is it up to them? To be honest though, it does sound like he's all talk and leading you on. The lying to my child would be enough for me to end the relationship.

I've been with my OH for 14 years, and we're not married. I'm the higher earner, we have kids and have bought a house together. That, to me, shows more commitment than a piece of paper. I do understand why others want to get married though, it's just my personal opinion.

C00k · 18/01/2024 13:54

@ImthatBoleyngirl having a kid with someone is no commitment at all, simply a commitment to raising someone. Having a mortgage contract with a boyfriend is a commitment to the bank only. Bits of paper confer legal protections and status-marriage certificates, death certificates, passports.
In your case it’d be pointless to marry your boyfriend but there’s no reason to peddle the ‘piece of paper’ nonsense.
More importantly, OP needs to put her kid first and not use him as an excuse to live with the ex.

LifeExperience · 18/01/2024 13:58

He doesn't want to marry you, OP, but he also doesn't want to lose you, so he's stringing you along.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 18/01/2024 17:10

C00k · 18/01/2024 13:54

@ImthatBoleyngirl having a kid with someone is no commitment at all, simply a commitment to raising someone. Having a mortgage contract with a boyfriend is a commitment to the bank only. Bits of paper confer legal protections and status-marriage certificates, death certificates, passports.
In your case it’d be pointless to marry your boyfriend but there’s no reason to peddle the ‘piece of paper’ nonsense.
More importantly, OP needs to put her kid first and not use him as an excuse to live with the ex.

Marriage is a legal agreement, just like a mortgage is. I'm the beneficiary on OH's life insurance and pension as is he on mine. Marriage would be more of commitment if divorce didn't exist. 42% of marriages end in divorce - the marriage to my ex-husband lasted 12 months! The marriage documents meant zilch!

To me, deciding my current partner was the right person to have children with was a much more important decision. Picking the wrong person to have children with has worse consequences than picking the wrong person to marry.

My divorce was easy because we rented and had no DC. Breaking up with my current partner would be devastating because of the effect it would have on our DC and the possibility we would lose our home.

Getting married wouldn't improve our relationship or make it more secure. Nothing would change. Kids and owning our own home were a big change!

As PP have said, getting married in a registry office is fairly cheap and doesn't take much effort.

C00k · 18/01/2024 18:15

Marriage brings many, many legal protections that can’t be replicated. Having a boyfriend and a mortgage is no commitment, no matter how much you’d like it to be, and you saying it’s a legal document contradicts your ‘piece of paper’ nonsense. But it doesn’t matter, the OP isn’t interested in replies.

Riverlee · 18/01/2024 18:23

SkyBlueBoy · 30/12/2023 22:29

It's a leap year next year, you can ask him yourself 👍

Best me to it!

LondonGrey · 18/01/2024 19:57

He’s leading you on a merry dance