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Original poster

Aibu to be expecting marriage

101 replies

Kg1988 · 29/12/2023 22:44

Hi so I’m writing this from a Romantic hotel in the lakes… where once again I got my hopes up that my other half was proposing.
we’re both divorced, and have known each other for a decade. We’ve been together about 2 years and live together.
we’ve had hundreds of convos about being married to each other and what often happens is it’s brought up by him when he’s drinking that he wants me to be his wife. He made a comment about ‘just wait until Xmas’ last month, then nothing happened. We also just had my birthday and nada.
im really sad and at a loss what to do. I don’t want to say anything because it just ruins the whole concept surely? But I’m tormented at the same time.

OP posts:
Trieditall · 30/12/2023 09:52

The thing is, he’s saying he want to marry you when he’s drunk but today at the start of a new year, he is telling you stone cold sober that he wants no changes in the next year, ie no marriage or engagement.

I think you should directly challenge him on it as it must be messing with your head.

WandaWonder · 30/12/2023 09:57

You're not a child this game playing even with yourself is just weird

Just ask him

category12 · 30/12/2023 10:00

Trieditall · 30/12/2023 09:52

The thing is, he’s saying he want to marry you when he’s drunk but today at the start of a new year, he is telling you stone cold sober that he wants no changes in the next year, ie no marriage or engagement.

I think you should directly challenge him on it as it must be messing with your head.

Yeah, the update shows he's backpedalled in quite an upsetting way.

I'm really not keen on people who puff on about things and then don't follow through.

Zanatdy · 30/12/2023 10:04

It’s NYE tomorrow, maybe then. Otherwise just say to him when are we setting a date for the wedding. You don’t need a romantic proposal

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 30/12/2023 10:20

Ok, so your update is all you need to know.

This man is future faking and will never marry you. If you're ok with that, then you can continue the relationship. If it's going to be forever hanging over your head and make you miserable, and you want to be married, you need to find someone else.

I'm sorry OP. There are hundreds of threads like this. With the guy full of excuses why it's the wrong time/day/season/it's his cat's birthday/his neighbours aunt's friend's sister's dog is ill and he's too distraught/who needs a piece of paper anyway/why are you pressuring him/why won't you give him time?

It's down to you if you can live with this.

SecondUsername4me · 30/12/2023 10:32

Kg1988 · 30/12/2023 09:13

Guess it’s mixed messages because he just said over breakfast he thinks we need a year of stability and no changes for 2024. So I’ve totally misread our position, or rather he’s mislead it

It's like you are a passenger in the car (of your life) and not even allowed to hold the map, or have a conversation about the destination.

Is this the kind of relationship you want? I like mine when they are firmly 50/50, with lots of joint discussion and mutual plans.

LondonGrey · 30/12/2023 10:50

Why is he getting to dictate your future???!
honestly why do you want to be with a man where you can’t be a team?
it’s a massive red flag
marriage is for two people who are on the same page at the same time it’s not down to one person to decide when

punnetofcherries · 30/12/2023 11:10

Did he pick up that you went quiet when he said what he said?

Maybe he wanted a reaction?

Maybe he IS going to propose tomorrow?

Whiskerson · 30/12/2023 11:22

I'm usually all over these "he won't marry me" threads with LTB etc, but that's when it's a younger woman wanting children, or worse, already having had them with him.

In your case, I second the advice to live your absolute best life and do all the things you want to do. Next time he brings up marriage, just tell him if he has a proposal to make, he's free to make it, but that having it dangled vaguely in the air does nothing for you, and you don't want to hear about it unless he's serious. And that a proposal of marriage isn't a Christmas present. I'm annoyed on your behalf just hearing about it. You're letting yourself be kept in a state of perpetual tension.

User893432374902zzx · 30/12/2023 22:25

You do realise he said those things about marriage when he was DRUNK!

Anyone making a promise or signing a contract in that state cannot legally or morally be held to it.

SkyBlueBoy · 30/12/2023 22:29

It's a leap year next year, you can ask him yourself 👍

Original poster
Kg1988 · 16/01/2024 16:12

So update on this I did discuss with him everything. He was sad because inhad been upset and he ageeed it’s exactly what he wants. He was sorry about the misunderstanding over Xmas and birthday period etc.
anyway, going forward he knew this was something I wanted and was on my radar.
since then he has dropped a number of hints about wanting to propose this year, saving for it, etc. at the weekend he even mentioned us getting married to our child.

today he wanted to talk because he wants this but he’s not in a position financially.
I’m so upset by this, grateful he’s been honest but annoyed that he’s teased it again several times and even spoken to my child about it.

I am fed up of being played with. I can barely speak to him right now.

OP posts:
banjocat · 16/01/2024 16:15

If you want him to marry you then you could always ask him to marry you?

Is that not possible?

Trieditall · 16/01/2024 16:38

He really is messing you around isn’t he? What is his financial position and why is that a problem for you to get married? It does sound like more excuses.

Wishimaywishimight · 16/01/2024 16:48

What does not in a position financially mean? Going to a registry office and lunch afterwards won't cost a lot.

It sounds like he is just making excuses.

Annasgirl · 16/01/2024 16:49

OP, you said in 1 post you don’t plan to have DC together but it the next post you said that he told ‘our child’. Which is it? The advice on here will depend on whether or not you have a child with him.

NewYear24 · 16/01/2024 16:55

Sorry to hear you are upset, I’d speak to him again and say you really want to get married and if he can’t commit in the next six months then unfortunately you need to move on and find someone who would like to be married.
From your update I’d say he doesn’t want to marry you.
Whst do you know of his financial situation, is he in debt?

Trieditall · 16/01/2024 16:57

The op says ‘my child’ so presumably her child from a previous relationship as she says she’s divorced.

muddyford · 16/01/2024 17:01

I don't think he is going to marry you. Finance is a pathetic excuse, as is wanting 2024 to be uneventful. A registry office ceremony followed by a pub lunch or afternoon tea should be affordable. But he won't. He's got you on a string.

Winter3000 · 16/01/2024 17:31

He'd be going in the bin.
He's a tyre kicker.
Sounds like he's made himself nice, comfy and snug without any commitment.

Whose house is it that you're all in?
If it's yours - kick him out.
If it's his - make plans to move out soon.

Loopytiles · 16/01/2024 17:45

So his response to you asking him to stop ‘dangling the carrot’ was yet more of it, and now involving the DC?

followed by more excuses.

not good!

Loopytiles · 16/01/2024 17:48

Thing is, it’s fine not to want marriage, especially if one or both already have DCs to consider. the bullshit / dishonesty is not fine.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/01/2024 17:49

he’s teased it again several times and even spoken to my child about it.

WTF-sorry, but he’s being a total arse here.

I can barely speak to him right now.

You really need to start talking to him. Tell him he’s saying one thing and then doing another and it’s really shitty.

Livelifelaughter · 16/01/2024 17:52

OP I was in a similar position. My exH told my family he was going to propose, bought a ring and then every trip away, every romantic restaurant I thought he was going to propose. Truth was he was a commitment phobe, eventually he proposed but our marriage didn't last long. I think I can relate to how you are feeling, it felt to me as he had all the control and I felt anxious all the time.

Reddog1 · 16/01/2024 17:58

He doesn’t seem to want to marry you. If you have a child together, this is a pretty serious problem tbh.