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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands messages, am I going mad?

94 replies

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 20:59

Found these on my husbands phone, sent to a female 'acquaintance'. This is the 3rd time I have caught him sending inappropriate messages, one occasion after I had just given birth. I have just confronted him about it but he has lost his temper and said that I am going mad and I'm an idiot. I know I'm not but I can't articulate myself as well as him and I know he will try and turn this back on me and make out it is just banter.

Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
OP posts:
TippledPink · 27/12/2023 21:02

Your husband is a gas lighter, yes they are bad. He is acting angry with you to deflect and shut you up.

If I caught messages like this on my husbands phone, he'd be out the door.

Dj2020 · 27/12/2023 21:05

No this is not what a married man should be sending to anyone. Make it the last time and divorce him.

Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 21:06

Well, it sounds like both of them are probably friends with each other, but
discussing opportunities they are looking for with other people. He's on the prowl when he shouldn't be.

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:07

You've hit the nail on the head with the gaslighting. He's angry with me when I haven't done anything wrong. I've asked him to leave but he has basically just laughed at me. I feel sick, pathetic and embarrassed.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/12/2023 21:07

Three times now - the end surely? You cannot trust him, you cannot respect him, he is not worthy of either.

My advice is to shut up and then leave him. Shutting up and not asking for him consent to think how you think will make things a lot easier. He will likely never agree and never admit it, but you know that. A man who speaks like these texts is not a good man in lots of other areas I'd expect. Move on and get out as quickly and painlessly as you can ad try to avoid engaging with him on your way out of the door.

I am sorry you face this BUT there are amazing men out there who are not flirting with every other woman and then lying about it. You can do better, in time x

WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 21:07

Yuck. He’s vile.

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 21:09

What a bellend. He sounds as thick as mince. Shite patter and a creep as well. Ugh.
Poor you.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 21:10

Get yourself to a solicitor, immediately.

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:11

Thank you, I do appreciate the support. I have nowhere to go and he is refusing to leave. We have 3 dc together, I just don't know how to move forward- how do I get him to leave? The house is in my name but obviously we are married so I'm not sure I have a leg to stand on there?

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 27/12/2023 21:11

Get practical, OP. Whose name is on the lease or mortgage? Do you work? If you kicked him out could he go to his parents' home? I know it shouldn't be your concern but it does make it a lot easier.

pictoosh · 27/12/2023 21:11

He laughed at you?
These are not the actions of a man who loves you. What a callous response.
Awful.

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:13

It's my name on the mortgage but he will not physically leave.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 27/12/2023 21:14

Context is everything...these on their own are not really condemning and could be normal exchange between two friends

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:14

And yes, I work. I'm the main breadwinner just for an added kick in the teeth. Been subsidising him while he retrains.

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 27/12/2023 21:16

What a bastard he is. I think you need to see a solicitor asap, just to get things straight in your head.

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:17

Maddy70 · 27/12/2023 21:14

Context is everything...these on their own are not really condemning and could be normal exchange between two friends

The part where he is discussing trying it on with someone? And that he's had the lips on someone that night? Or that he would shag someone? This is all with a not particularly close, single, female friend. I really don't want to come across as rude but in what context would these be ok?

OP posts:
category12 · 27/12/2023 21:20

As you're married, he has 'home rights' unfortunately.

It might be that if you stick to your guns and make it clear the relationship is over, he will move out of his own accord, but he probably thinks he'll just bully and gaslight you into shutting up about it and all will carry on as before.

Can you rearrange the bedrooms so you have your own space? You need to play the longer game here.

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:20

He's just come up to shout at me for going through his phone. PP was right- he's deflecting.

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 27/12/2023 21:22

Don't argue back with him. Plan your escape. Even if it's sleeping on the sofa for now.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/12/2023 21:24

I honestly don't know any guys who would have this sort of banter with a female friend - I must move in different circles .

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 21:25

God op I'm so sorry. If he's going to act like a cunt I'd be getting paperwork sorted, seeing a solicitor for advice and getting a divorce underway regardless.

ChristmasIsOverYeeha · 27/12/2023 21:25

I agree that he’ll just carry on gaslighting you, and you’ll end up going mad.

You need to decide if it’s over or not. If it is, just don’t engage with him about this, it’ll just drive you insane. Don’t explain, don’t ask, don’t argue. Just say “ok then” and check out if the marriage. Get your ducks in order. No longer pay for him. Get a solicitor.

You are the breadwinner, he’s retraining and he’s on the prowl for a shag. He’s a cock lodger.

spookehtooth · 27/12/2023 21:26

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:17

The part where he is discussing trying it on with someone? And that he's had the lips on someone that night? Or that he would shag someone? This is all with a not particularly close, single, female friend. I really don't want to come across as rude but in what context would these be ok?

Show quote history

You don't need anyone else's agreement on your boundaries. If it's too much for you, best to focus on getting help on how to eject him from the house and kick on with splitting up.

Anyways, even if others boundaries are different, he's been told yours twice before and ignored them. I can't imagine anyone being okay with their boundaries, whatever they are, being transgressed multiple times

category12 · 27/12/2023 21:28

If he's abusive or threatening, you can get the police involved and they may remove him from the home. (Keeping him out would require legal intervention).

Nicole1111 · 27/12/2023 21:32

Stop discussing it with him. He’ll only try and persuade you you’re crazy/in the wrong. Instead get some legal advice and start formulating your plan for his exit.