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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands messages, am I going mad?

94 replies

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 20:59

Found these on my husbands phone, sent to a female 'acquaintance'. This is the 3rd time I have caught him sending inappropriate messages, one occasion after I had just given birth. I have just confronted him about it but he has lost his temper and said that I am going mad and I'm an idiot. I know I'm not but I can't articulate myself as well as him and I know he will try and turn this back on me and make out it is just banter.

Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2023 04:42

viixta · 28/12/2023 03:19

Go to court and get an occupation order. Very simple and quick. Get as much information together as you can, go and see a solicitor and get him out. The judge will typically rule that he has to be out within 24 hours if there is good reason. The family courts take gaslighting and coercive behaviour VERY seriously these days.

This. I hope you manage to get him out of your life sooner rather than later.

Nanaof1 · 28/12/2023 05:10

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:35

What if he refuses to move out? Is the only option to sell?

You need to move your money into YOUR name only. From now on, he doesn't get a dime. Put your money into an individual acct., and pay bills from there. He gets nada, zilch, zip, nothing. Then see a solicitor about your rights. Does he pay on the mortgage? What does he pay for?

I think a lot will depend on how long the marriage was and who paid for the house, like the deposit, etc. You need a lawyer (solicitor) NOW!

Nanaof1 · 28/12/2023 05:16

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 21:57

I’ve seen many of these kinds of messages before (I’m in a loving, honest, open relationship but I come across a LOT who only say they are). I’ve been part of these exchanges more times than I can count, until I find out they are not in an open relationship, as claimed. He’s got feck all going on with her, he’s trying to impress her and I would say from the messages that he is almost certainly cheating on you with other women, or trying to.

He’s a cold bastard and will have zero remorse when you catch him out…then he’ll gaslight until you find firm proof, then he’ll claim something like a sex addiction/promise to change to avoid being kicked out, play at going to therapy maybe, while being more careful with who he texts and how. He’ll continue to get off with whatever he can in the meantime, as it’s the only thing that feeds his ego, trying to fill a restless void inside that’s never full.

When he knows that he can’t get away with it any more or he feels the net closing in, he’ll turn it around on you - it’s your fault he’s leaving, you should have shown him more intimacy while you were together, you’re never there for him, you’re not interested in him any more. He’ll likely line up someone else during this time…the ones I’ve known have also often had a rainy day bank account that they’ve been saving into, for bonuses and skimmed money etc, to both pay for the play (hotel rooms can’t be showing up in the joint bank account) and as a cushion if he has to leave.

Look for Wickr, Snapchat, Line, Signal and Telegram apps as a starter for ten. On his Whatsapps, swipe down on the Chats screen and see if he has any muted chats in his archive (it only appears if you swipe down). Check his browser history for plenty of fish or fab swingers.

I’m sorry. Maybe, just maybe, it’s all talk. Trying to impress some girl who he thinks is cool, like some kind of moronic teenager.

But, in reality, from my experience, I’d say he’s got no respect for you, he’ll actually secretly and maybe even subconsciously hold you in disdain…like he thinks he’s doing you a favour by staying in your life because he’s somehow better than you and you should consider yourself lucky that he’s sticking around. By talking about or doing these things, I wouldn’t say that he sees you as his equal, or worth his respect, friendship or decency. Therefore, in his head, the rules don’t apply to him and he is entitled, no less, to do what he wants behind your back and celebrate his trophies with randomers.

I don’t need to tell you that you’re worth a hundred of someone like that, or that you have more decency in the top joint of your little finger than they have in their entire bodies. I really, really, really try not to judge, and I didn’t in the early days. But I’ve seen the same whining excuses and boastful bragging, that I can’t help it any more and I can spot it a mile off.

Find out the truth either way and then please, if you do find out it’s true…play him at his own game, no matter how much you want to explode or cry. Put all that in a box, pretend you’re hoodwinked and take as long as you need to excise him out of your life with the minimum of impact on you and with everything you need to thrive.

Tldr: I think he might be a scuzzy, cold-hearted cheater and you need to verify and play the long game to get rid of him if he is.

Perfectly said! Let me add, ignoring him means, he doesn't get you cooking for him, cleaning for him, doing his laundry, getting any money at all from you. No rides if you drive, no nothing. AS if he doesn't really live there. But, stay upbeat for the kids and for your sanity. If he lays a hand on you or threatens to do so, call the police immediately.

Call Women's Aid in the morning.

Nanaof1 · 28/12/2023 05:27

Oh, and get a voice activated recorder and record all of your conversations. Hopefully, you sent those messages he had on his phone to yourself.

Biggest thing to do first is to call Women's Aid and a lawyer and then get your money secured into JUST your name, cancel any joint credit cards and secure any cash in the house. Until you do all of the above, act like you are just mad, but are letting things "go". Let him be blindsided.

justchristmas · 28/12/2023 05:34

There was an excellent thread, Coats Protection League. You should look it up...

chewsandwhine · 28/12/2023 06:08

Don’t lock him out OP as he can phone the police to let him back in .
Its the marital home.

Then he knows you plan to leave and can start doing all sorts of things sneakily to protect himself.
As pp said, sort out as much of your own finances before he is aware you plan to leave.

I did this but still had to pay him to get him out.
worth it though.

You won’t have to pay him on account of him not working . He’ll be expected to get a job..

chewsandwhine · 28/12/2023 06:09

The exception to this is if you have proof he is abusive.
Womens Aid can advise you.

Nomagicflute · 28/12/2023 06:14

He said 'I'd shag her lol'. Obviously inappropriate for a man in a relationship. How the hell does someone deny that!? He must be gaslighting you a lot if it's not completely obvious this is wrong.

If he doesn't even apologise and admit wrong I'd definitely be going to a solicitor.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/12/2023 06:29

You’ve had some good advice on here OP but I just wanted to wish you good luck in getting rid of this waste of space. Stand your ground, it will be worth it. Immediately stop funding him and seek legal advice.

Spencer0220 · 28/12/2023 06:34

Good luck.

Be very careful

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 28/12/2023 06:52

I dumped a man like this when I was 21. They are such twats.

Brandyginger · 28/12/2023 07:12

Be very careful of a man who says he’d rather not see the children at all than half the time. There are so many red flags here. Good luck OP

Zanatdy · 28/12/2023 07:14

If he threatens to not see the kids then that’s on him. Trust me your adult children won’t sit there and thank you for staying in a bad relationship for their sake. The blaming you for invading his privacy is classic - he’s deflecting as you say. You will have to pay him some money no doubt even though house is in your name but hopefully won’t be anywhere near half. Go and see a solicitor. Don’t be guilt tripped into giving it another go, you already know he will do this again

KTSl1964 · 28/12/2023 07:25

Slowly withdraw from him, look up Grey rock, don’t sleep in the bed with him, don’t cook or do his washing - no need to explain or justify your decision to him “ it’s not longer working” - I hope you have real life support - what a bastard 🌺

Ramalangadingdong · 28/12/2023 07:31

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 23:10

The last time I caught him he declared that he would rather never see the DCs again than only have them half of the week. Typical guilt trip. Stupid me for believing him.

What he said makes no logical sense whatsoever. This makes him sound even worse. Poor you to have ended up with such an arsehole.

TookTheBook · 28/12/2023 07:37

I disagree with one otherwise good comment above - you don't need to "verify" anything else or get more or indeed any proof of his shit behaviour. You already know and divorce laws have changed, you don't need to prove anything. Get legal advice about how to ensure he moves out.

grumpycow1 · 28/12/2023 08:13

Look up the grey rock method. Use this constantly.

Loads of good advice here so I won’t repeat but you are so in the right here and he knows it! He knows he’s hanging from a thread.

Get legal advice about the house and womens aid about getting him gone. Good luck x

rolsete · 28/12/2023 08:38

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:11

Thank you, I do appreciate the support. I have nowhere to go and he is refusing to leave. We have 3 dc together, I just don't know how to move forward- how do I get him to leave? The house is in my name but obviously we are married so I'm not sure I have a leg to stand on there?

I took advice from a solicitor in a similar situation. And she said the best thing to do is to file for divorce online and tell your husband you have done so...then he will be notified. She said when men do wrong and won't leave (common) this usually is enough to let them know you are entirely serious, and it starts to get the ball rolling. If you don't do that they stay cosy and comfy and continue to gaslight. Yes it will be uncomfortable staying in the house but she says it does work. Do you feel able to do this?

Once you start proceedings you can do mediation, or go to court to decide about splitting assets.

I'm so sick of men like this. If only we knew before we had children with them.

ManateeFair · 28/12/2023 10:11

Ugh, he sounds AWFUL

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