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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands messages, am I going mad?

94 replies

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 20:59

Found these on my husbands phone, sent to a female 'acquaintance'. This is the 3rd time I have caught him sending inappropriate messages, one occasion after I had just given birth. I have just confronted him about it but he has lost his temper and said that I am going mad and I'm an idiot. I know I'm not but I can't articulate myself as well as him and I know he will try and turn this back on me and make out it is just banter.

Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
OP posts:
Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 22:50

Quitelikeit · 27/12/2023 22:46

Does the friend even want those texts? Seems to me like a bloke sending Pervy/creepy messages to a person who isn’t interested but doesn’t want to offend!

Perhaps not but we are mutual acquaintances and I would've thought she would have shot him down if it was unwanted. The comment where she agrees that the woman he is talking about is 'lovely' comes across like she is condoning/encouraging it.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/12/2023 22:51

What an arsehole. Stay strong, OP!

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:53

Is she someone you can speak to for more info or is that a big fat no no?

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I'd play the long game now. There's no mileage in discussing this with him any further, save your energy and make your own decisions based on how you feel rather than what he tells you. He'll have you thinking day is night. Don't give him any more than the basics....how are you? Fine thanks.

Gather all your financial information together and see a solicitior asap, take it one step at a time, you can't see right to the final outcome from here and you don't need to, just set your stall out and keep your head down til you're free.

Shutthefookup · 27/12/2023 22:56

ChristmasIsOverYeeha · 27/12/2023 21:57

Tell him if he’s staying, he needs to get a job, any job, and pay 50% of the bills, mortgage and childcare.

This with 🔔🔔🔔 on!

He's been a cocklodger too long and is taking the piss.

Where is his respect for you OP, as his wife, mother of his children and the main breadwinner.

You deserve so much more. He's shown his true colours, a low life man of no integrity.

Revenge is a life well lived without a leech like him.

SkySecret · 27/12/2023 22:58

Do not give him another penny!

lilaclustre · 27/12/2023 22:58

Why are you engaging with him at all?? Just kick him to the kerb?! Why keep conversing
With him????

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 23:00

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:53

Is she someone you can speak to for more info or is that a big fat no no?

I don't think so, he will more than likely have told her by now so I would imagine she would back up his side of the story i.e. it was only 'banter'

OP posts:
Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 23:01

lilaclustre · 27/12/2023 22:58

Why are you engaging with him at all?? Just kick him to the kerb?! Why keep conversing
With him????

I'm not, he just came and had a go.

OP posts:
Browniesandcustard · 27/12/2023 23:03

I’ve been in your position and ‘forgave’ him. He did it several times more and then ended up having an affair. I do so wish I’d split up with him the first time I found messages - don’t be like me and waste any more of your life on him. It’ll be hard but it will be worth it.

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 23:07

Be prepared for him to try to put you off by declaring he wants custody of the children.

Its a known abuser tactic.

Being a lazy so and so, he won’t want to have to make the effort of looking after his own kids.

Call his bluff and tell him enthusiastically that that’s a great idea as you can then work more and go out with your friends more while he does the child care !
He won’t like that.

Take it a day at a time.

It will seem at times that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I can assure you there is.

Original poster
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 23:10

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 23:07

Be prepared for him to try to put you off by declaring he wants custody of the children.

Its a known abuser tactic.

Being a lazy so and so, he won’t want to have to make the effort of looking after his own kids.

Call his bluff and tell him enthusiastically that that’s a great idea as you can then work more and go out with your friends more while he does the child care !
He won’t like that.

Take it a day at a time.

It will seem at times that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I can assure you there is.

The last time I caught him he declared that he would rather never see the DCs again than only have them half of the week. Typical guilt trip. Stupid me for believing him.

OP posts:
Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 23:11

You can legally change the locks when he next goes out, seeing as it’s your house.

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2023 23:16

Get some legal advice. I'm not sure but if the house is in your sole name, it might be you can just lock him out. I don't know, though! But a lawyer would. I'd start getting your ducks in a row.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 23:18

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 23:11

You can legally change the locks when he next goes out, seeing as it’s your house.

And he can legally break back in because it is the marital home. Even if his name is not on the deeds. He has the legal right to live there, regardless of the fact that he's a lowlife scumbag.

Op Applying for an occupation order would be the way to go but I really think she needs proper legal advice before she does anything drastic that will escalate things.

It won't do op any favours to deliberately poke the bear.

zeibesaffron · 27/12/2023 23:30

If he is threatening and abusive phone the police - they will kick him out! If not bide your time get legal advice and all your paperwork sorted then just divorce him. He is a gaslighting prick!!

viixta · 28/12/2023 03:19

Go to court and get an occupation order. Very simple and quick. Get as much information together as you can, go and see a solicitor and get him out. The judge will typically rule that he has to be out within 24 hours if there is good reason. The family courts take gaslighting and coercive behaviour VERY seriously these days.

Nonass · 28/12/2023 04:01

Hi you need to wrap your mind around the idea that you are dealing with someone who has lost respect for you. He is no longer the guy you loved. The contempt reaction means he is a lost cause.
It takes a while to readjust but you need to act quick to protect your interests. Move money out of joint bank accounts before he does and stop joint credit cards etc so they can't be abused. Take control, as soon as he becomes aware you are actually going to act he will and for him it will be swifter, easier as he has had time to adjust. Get legal help straight away and protect your position. It sounds like you may have to pay him off to get him out but it will be worth it. You will regain your self respect and no longer have to deal with this abusive guy.
My one regret about my own situation is how long it took me to believe what was right in front of my face because I was emotionally stunned. Good luck!

flowerchild2000 · 28/12/2023 04:06

His phone needs a massive wipe down with antibacterial wipes stat! How can you stand touching it? 🤢

Please don't stay with a man who calls you names, makes you feel less intelligent than him (I bet you're not), cheats on you and apparently can't wash his hands or keep his phone clean. I promise you can do better, he's just nasty in every meaning of the word. Run for the hills.

Goingtothinkofone · 28/12/2023 04:13

Start by getting him out the house. If he won’t go willingly, change the locks when he’s out. I’m serious, having him out the house will give you space to think. It would take him years to get a court order to make you let him back in. And legal aid is slim to none these days so he’d need to hire a private solicitor.

you massively have the upper hand

flowerchild2000 · 28/12/2023 04:14

Ok apparently there's been lots of updates about trying to lock him out, I was a bit jokey on my previous comment, but seriously be very careful. I don't know the details or what he's capable of but if he's abusive, the most dangerous time is when you're trying to leave. My cousin was gunned down by her DH when she changed the locks. He broke through a window and shot at everyone in the house, her friend, her sister, even the kids. It was horrific and she didn't survive. I wish it was better known not just when to leave and why but also how. It's best to change the locks and also leave yourself, somewhere he won't think to find you. Stay vigilant until it's over. I'm in the US & obviously we have gun violence issues here, but anywhere in the world if a man feels wronged and wants to hurt a woman he will one way or another. Just be careful and think ahead. I wish you all the best 💜

Goingtothinkofone · 28/12/2023 04:17

@Snowdogsmitten @beastlyslumber when you’re married property legally becomes jointly owned even if one person paid for the whole lot. Even if the house was bought before the marriage.

That’s literally what marriage is - a legal partnership that makes all assets joint.

Regardless he would struggle to assert his legal right if she chucked him out / changed the locks. It would take court orders etc and that costs money, sounds like this bellend doesn’t have any

Lavender14 · 28/12/2023 04:21

That's fine if he won't leave willingly op. When is he due back to work? I'd have a locksmith booked to call out first thing that day and get the locks changed. Bags left out for him. It's your house and you're entitled to do that if he won't leave willingly. If he becomes aggressive or abusive the police will remove him and you don't need to let him back in which is also an option. The messages he's sending and the infidelity are the tip of the iceberg with this one. You deserve better. He's emotionally abusive.

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 04:26

Do you have friends or relatives you can call for moral support.

AGoingConcern · 28/12/2023 04:38

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

Set up an appointment with a divorce solicitor for next week. Do not tell him you're doing this beforehand. Do not lock him out without consulting a solicitor. If you feel unsafe in the meantime, call the police or take the children to a trusted friend/family member or shelter.

Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender

When an abuser turns the tables and blames the victim for the abuse, it can be a manipulative tactic known as DARVO.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

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