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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands messages, am I going mad?

94 replies

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 20:59

Found these on my husbands phone, sent to a female 'acquaintance'. This is the 3rd time I have caught him sending inappropriate messages, one occasion after I had just given birth. I have just confronted him about it but he has lost his temper and said that I am going mad and I'm an idiot. I know I'm not but I can't articulate myself as well as him and I know he will try and turn this back on me and make out it is just banter.

Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
Husbands messages, am I going mad?
OP posts:
MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 21:33

Call the police if he won’t leave and it’s your house. He has no right to stay there if his name isn’t on the deeds.

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:35

What if he refuses to move out? Is the only option to sell?

OP posts:
category12 · 27/12/2023 21:35

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 21:33

Call the police if he won’t leave and it’s your house. He has no right to stay there if his name isn’t on the deeds.

Not true - they're married, he has home rights.

roseheartfly · 27/12/2023 21:36

Ducks in a row.

How dare he make you feel embarrassed.

First thing tomorrow find a solicitor to give you one hour free advice on how to move the bastard out.

Stop any usual wife things you may or may not do.

Act totally fine in front of DC.

You have one life. Please chose to be treated better.

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:36

And yes, this is it over. He's taken the piss for too long now. Younger me would never have put up with this and I feel angry at myself that I'm in this position. What a mug.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 21:42

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:35

What if he refuses to move out? Is the only option to sell?

Cross that bridge when you come to it open.
He's just found out that you've found out and is in full DARVO mode right now.

Right now just concentrate on getting some solid advice about your options.

You're not the only woman to be married to an arsehole who thinks he's untouchable!

One day at a time.

category12 · 27/12/2023 21:42

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 21:35

What if he refuses to move out? Is the only option to sell?

There'll be a variety of ways this can work out, OP - you need to get legal advice as soon as you can and get the ball rolling.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 21:43

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 21:33

Call the police if he won’t leave and it’s your house. He has no right to stay there if his name isn’t on the deeds.

Unfortunately that's not strictly true

TiddyTidTwo · 27/12/2023 21:43

He's fit for the bin.

Do it

category12 · 27/12/2023 21:46

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 21:43

Unfortunately that's not strictly true

Yeah.

Might be able to bluff him out if he isn't particularly clued up.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 21:47

The family home (i.e. where a married couple lived during their marriage), is considered a matrimonial asset, no matter whose name the property is in.
During a marriage or civil partnership, both spouses have the right to occupy the family home.
Unless OP's husband has been violent or abusive, the police don't have the power to remove him, I don't think?

Woush · 27/12/2023 21:54

If he doesn't work, he will be unable to maintain the upkeep on the home snd bills. He should reach that opinion himself with a little time.

ChristmasIsOverYeeha · 27/12/2023 21:56

Sounds like he is a bully.
I’d just show him with my own behaviour that I no longer care, or give a shit who he’s trying to sleep with, I’m out. Then I’d look all happy, going about my business and show him that when he’s no longer my concern, I’m much happier.

Let him see that as of tomorrow “look DH, I just don’t care. Do whatever you want, I’m done with this bullshit and I want out”. Let him come to the realisation that his freeloading will come to an end. Let him crap his pants.

ChristmasIsOverYeeha · 27/12/2023 21:57

Tell him if he’s staying, he needs to get a job, any job, and pay 50% of the bills, mortgage and childcare.

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 21:57

I’ve seen many of these kinds of messages before (I’m in a loving, honest, open relationship but I come across a LOT who only say they are). I’ve been part of these exchanges more times than I can count, until I find out they are not in an open relationship, as claimed. He’s got feck all going on with her, he’s trying to impress her and I would say from the messages that he is almost certainly cheating on you with other women, or trying to.

He’s a cold bastard and will have zero remorse when you catch him out…then he’ll gaslight until you find firm proof, then he’ll claim something like a sex addiction/promise to change to avoid being kicked out, play at going to therapy maybe, while being more careful with who he texts and how. He’ll continue to get off with whatever he can in the meantime, as it’s the only thing that feeds his ego, trying to fill a restless void inside that’s never full.

When he knows that he can’t get away with it any more or he feels the net closing in, he’ll turn it around on you - it’s your fault he’s leaving, you should have shown him more intimacy while you were together, you’re never there for him, you’re not interested in him any more. He’ll likely line up someone else during this time…the ones I’ve known have also often had a rainy day bank account that they’ve been saving into, for bonuses and skimmed money etc, to both pay for the play (hotel rooms can’t be showing up in the joint bank account) and as a cushion if he has to leave.

Look for Wickr, Snapchat, Line, Signal and Telegram apps as a starter for ten. On his Whatsapps, swipe down on the Chats screen and see if he has any muted chats in his archive (it only appears if you swipe down). Check his browser history for plenty of fish or fab swingers.

I’m sorry. Maybe, just maybe, it’s all talk. Trying to impress some girl who he thinks is cool, like some kind of moronic teenager.

But, in reality, from my experience, I’d say he’s got no respect for you, he’ll actually secretly and maybe even subconsciously hold you in disdain…like he thinks he’s doing you a favour by staying in your life because he’s somehow better than you and you should consider yourself lucky that he’s sticking around. By talking about or doing these things, I wouldn’t say that he sees you as his equal, or worth his respect, friendship or decency. Therefore, in his head, the rules don’t apply to him and he is entitled, no less, to do what he wants behind your back and celebrate his trophies with randomers.

I don’t need to tell you that you’re worth a hundred of someone like that, or that you have more decency in the top joint of your little finger than they have in their entire bodies. I really, really, really try not to judge, and I didn’t in the early days. But I’ve seen the same whining excuses and boastful bragging, that I can’t help it any more and I can spot it a mile off.

Find out the truth either way and then please, if you do find out it’s true…play him at his own game, no matter how much you want to explode or cry. Put all that in a box, pretend you’re hoodwinked and take as long as you need to excise him out of your life with the minimum of impact on you and with everything you need to thrive.

Tldr: I think he might be a scuzzy, cold-hearted cheater and you need to verify and play the long game to get rid of him if he is.

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 22:07

OP, I was in your shoes.
Not in the context of messaging other women but he was a piss taker, gaslighter, a user and a lazy excuse for a man while being emotionally unavailable to me or the dcs.
Unfortunately it took me a while to see him for who he really was.

He got verbally nasty once challenged but nice enough when he was getting his way.

He refused to leave.

I spoke to Women’s Aid for support and advice.
I got a shit hot lawyer ( worth the expense)

I eventually managed to buy him out ( joint mortgage)and finally he moved out a couple of years ago.

You can do it op. I didn’t have young children at the time.
I know that makes it more difficult.

For you, I think Women’s Aid and legal advice in first instance.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ offer free legal sessions

Don't tell him you plan to leave until you’ve got your ducks in a row and call the police if he gets aggressive.

Try to record him being verbally abusive. Obviously, don’t let him know you’re doing it.

Home - Rights of Women

Rights of Women is a charity that provides free confidential legal advice and information to women on the law in England and Wales with a specific focus on Violence Against Women and Girls. We also campaign for access to justice and safety for all wome...

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Mrsgreen100 · 27/12/2023 22:08

When he’s out change the locks and leave his stuff outside in bin bags
any come back from him call the police

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 22:08

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 21:57

I’ve seen many of these kinds of messages before (I’m in a loving, honest, open relationship but I come across a LOT who only say they are). I’ve been part of these exchanges more times than I can count, until I find out they are not in an open relationship, as claimed. He’s got feck all going on with her, he’s trying to impress her and I would say from the messages that he is almost certainly cheating on you with other women, or trying to.

He’s a cold bastard and will have zero remorse when you catch him out…then he’ll gaslight until you find firm proof, then he’ll claim something like a sex addiction/promise to change to avoid being kicked out, play at going to therapy maybe, while being more careful with who he texts and how. He’ll continue to get off with whatever he can in the meantime, as it’s the only thing that feeds his ego, trying to fill a restless void inside that’s never full.

When he knows that he can’t get away with it any more or he feels the net closing in, he’ll turn it around on you - it’s your fault he’s leaving, you should have shown him more intimacy while you were together, you’re never there for him, you’re not interested in him any more. He’ll likely line up someone else during this time…the ones I’ve known have also often had a rainy day bank account that they’ve been saving into, for bonuses and skimmed money etc, to both pay for the play (hotel rooms can’t be showing up in the joint bank account) and as a cushion if he has to leave.

Look for Wickr, Snapchat, Line, Signal and Telegram apps as a starter for ten. On his Whatsapps, swipe down on the Chats screen and see if he has any muted chats in his archive (it only appears if you swipe down). Check his browser history for plenty of fish or fab swingers.

I’m sorry. Maybe, just maybe, it’s all talk. Trying to impress some girl who he thinks is cool, like some kind of moronic teenager.

But, in reality, from my experience, I’d say he’s got no respect for you, he’ll actually secretly and maybe even subconsciously hold you in disdain…like he thinks he’s doing you a favour by staying in your life because he’s somehow better than you and you should consider yourself lucky that he’s sticking around. By talking about or doing these things, I wouldn’t say that he sees you as his equal, or worth his respect, friendship or decency. Therefore, in his head, the rules don’t apply to him and he is entitled, no less, to do what he wants behind your back and celebrate his trophies with randomers.

I don’t need to tell you that you’re worth a hundred of someone like that, or that you have more decency in the top joint of your little finger than they have in their entire bodies. I really, really, really try not to judge, and I didn’t in the early days. But I’ve seen the same whining excuses and boastful bragging, that I can’t help it any more and I can spot it a mile off.

Find out the truth either way and then please, if you do find out it’s true…play him at his own game, no matter how much you want to explode or cry. Put all that in a box, pretend you’re hoodwinked and take as long as you need to excise him out of your life with the minimum of impact on you and with everything you need to thrive.

Tldr: I think he might be a scuzzy, cold-hearted cheater and you need to verify and play the long game to get rid of him if he is.

I think you're right. He has form for being unhappy with his lot. Like he is always looking for something better. Unfortunately that also includes me. He's gone to bed now, huffing because I have infringed his privacy??? This is what I mean by gaslighting. I think he fully expects me to go up and apologise. I can't stress enough how much this thread is helping me to stand my ground. What he has done is bad and I am not the one in the wrong here.

OP posts:
lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 22:10

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 22:07

OP, I was in your shoes.
Not in the context of messaging other women but he was a piss taker, gaslighter, a user and a lazy excuse for a man while being emotionally unavailable to me or the dcs.
Unfortunately it took me a while to see him for who he really was.

He got verbally nasty once challenged but nice enough when he was getting his way.

He refused to leave.

I spoke to Women’s Aid for support and advice.
I got a shit hot lawyer ( worth the expense)

I eventually managed to buy him out ( joint mortgage)and finally he moved out a couple of years ago.

You can do it op. I didn’t have young children at the time.
I know that makes it more difficult.

For you, I think Women’s Aid and legal advice in first instance.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ offer free legal sessions

Don't tell him you plan to leave until you’ve got your ducks in a row and call the police if he gets aggressive.

Try to record him being verbally abusive. Obviously, don’t let him know you’re doing it.

How long did it take for him to accept it was over? How did you cope living together in this time?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:13

@lostmyfire

He's gone to bed now, huffing because I have infringed his privacy??? This is what I mean by gaslighting. I think he fully expects me to go up and apologise.

My now exh was like this. 3 months into our relationship he was sex chatting with random women on adult friendfinder.

I also got accused of snooping and invading his privacy and he was most put out and not once apologetic. I was stupid enough to forgive him and marry the twat. I so wish I hadn't as he carried on doing it throughout our marriage and arrival of 3 kids.

Do not waiver for a second. He may well minimise and diminish his behaviour. You are done. That's all he needs to hear now.

CommonOrNot · 27/12/2023 22:22

So many icks I don’t even know where to begin

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 22:38

It took a couple of years from me deciding it’s over to getting him out the door.

Initially, I just refused to engage with him at all, moved onto spare room and plotted my escape.
He buried his head in the sand and tried a few manipulation methods to try to change my mind ( lovebombing being the main one)

Only when he got a letter from my lawyer did he take things seriously.

He tried a number of delaying tactics along the way.
Not replying to letters ( even from his own lawyer) was the main one.

Even to the end, he maintained he couldn’t leave as he had nowhere to go !
On the final day, when the remortgage went through in my name only, I still didn’t know if he would leave or not.
He refused to pack his stuff til the night before. So controlling.

I can’t describe the elation I felt when he walked out the door for the last time. Locksmith arrived within the hour to change the locks.

Living with him was hell but I just channelled all my energy into working overtime to be away from the house as much as possible.
Again, easier when there are no young children involved.

That was my way of getting rid of him, according to my set of circumstances.
Your circumstances are different but there will be a way for you too.

The days of women putting up with bad marriages “ for the sake of the children” are over.
Good luck op💐

Quitelikeit · 27/12/2023 22:46

Does the friend even want those texts? Seems to me like a bloke sending Pervy/creepy messages to a person who isn’t interested but doesn’t want to offend!

lostmyfire · 27/12/2023 22:47

chewsandwhine · 27/12/2023 22:38

It took a couple of years from me deciding it’s over to getting him out the door.

Initially, I just refused to engage with him at all, moved onto spare room and plotted my escape.
He buried his head in the sand and tried a few manipulation methods to try to change my mind ( lovebombing being the main one)

Only when he got a letter from my lawyer did he take things seriously.

He tried a number of delaying tactics along the way.
Not replying to letters ( even from his own lawyer) was the main one.

Even to the end, he maintained he couldn’t leave as he had nowhere to go !
On the final day, when the remortgage went through in my name only, I still didn’t know if he would leave or not.
He refused to pack his stuff til the night before. So controlling.

I can’t describe the elation I felt when he walked out the door for the last time. Locksmith arrived within the hour to change the locks.

Living with him was hell but I just channelled all my energy into working overtime to be away from the house as much as possible.
Again, easier when there are no young children involved.

That was my way of getting rid of him, according to my set of circumstances.
Your circumstances are different but there will be a way for you too.

The days of women putting up with bad marriages “ for the sake of the children” are over.
Good luck op💐

Thank you so much. This is what I fear he will be like, from past behaviour. He will expect me to just forget it, act as if I'm overreacting, use the children to guilt trip me and then when this fails, get nasty. The line has been drawn though, I'm not putting up with this any longer.

OP posts:
lilaclustre · 27/12/2023 22:49

Don't back down! He's cheating on you in plain sight. Please be strong and kick him out.