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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over my issue with partner masturbating

98 replies

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:18

Questions in the title really, I get upset when/if he masturbates, i can't even explain why.. I just know i don't want him to and it makes me feel weird, i want to be his only release. It's gotten to the extent i dont like going out as i know what he'll get up as we don't get much free time now. Lets not get into explaining how i know he has, its only happened a handful of times

Now i KNOW this is ridiculous and unreasonable, and i want to get over it i just don't know how. I had an ex who used an online service to find people for sex, he said it was just masturbating and he never met anyone. Could this be subconsciously why i have an issue? As i know there is nothing wrong with alone time and its healthy and normal and his body.

Any tips how to get over this? Talk some sense into me! But pls dont be mean

OP posts:
Jennyjojo5 · 27/12/2023 20:21

I think it may be worth seeking therapy to try get to the bottom of why you feel this way? It is a totally normal and healthy function (as you know)

Erby · 27/12/2023 20:23

Don't you ever have a wank, OP?

Muthaofcats · 27/12/2023 20:24

Please get therapy and don’t make your own insecurity and issues ruin your relationship. It’s healthy and natural and positive for a person to masturbate so shaming him about it and controlling him is a recipe for disaster.

getting to a point where you don’t go out so that he can’t walk is really unhealthy OP, sounds like a combo of therapy and cbt may really help you but in the meantime I hope you’re telling your partner that you know this is a you problem and he shouldn’t be controlled by you

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 20:25

Do you get upset with him and do you express that to him? If so, that is very, very unreasonable, abusive behaviour. The onus is on you to figure out why you feel this way and how you can deal with these feelings.

Ponderingwindow · 27/12/2023 20:26

It is fair to set boundaries on pornography and definitely with online interactions. If you need to explicitly express your preferences, have that conversation with your partner. I absolutely have spoken with my partner about what does and does not constitute cheating. Rules need to be set mutually, but there should be rules in every relationship and one couples rules don’t need to be the same as another’s.

It is not fair to police masturbation done in private and that doesn’t interfere with your mutual sex life. if you feel that need even after talking about general boundaries, then it is time to consider therapy.

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:26

No i never bring it up to him purely because i know it is unreasonable, i simply just want to stop feeling this way

OP posts:
KateyCuckoo · 27/12/2023 20:27

That's abusive to police his body autonomy..

JustOneMoreBaileys · 27/12/2023 20:27

its only happened a handful of times

Grin

Sorry. I'll get my coat.

Sparklehaze · 27/12/2023 20:29

There are some things to just no know about each other. If my significant other does that, fine, I just don't want to know about it. A bit late in your case I guess.

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:29

I do not police or prevent or restrict him in anyway, he does not know, as i know this is a me issue, maybe therapy is the way forward

OP posts:
Muthaofcats · 27/12/2023 20:29

What Is it about it that upsets you OP?

are you insecure ?

2Old2Tango · 27/12/2023 20:30

It's good that you recognise that you are being unreasonable OP, so no idea why some posters are feeling the need to tell you that - you know that already and want help to get over it.

I too would suggest some therapy. I don't think it's something you can just 'get over'. You need to explore why you feel this way.

TypicalCoach · 27/12/2023 20:30

Do you masturbate??,

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 20:31

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:29

I do not police or prevent or restrict him in anyway, he does not know, as i know this is a me issue, maybe therapy is the way forward

It's gotten to the extent i dont like going out as i know what he'll get up

yes you do. This is abusive relationship behaviour! You need to deal with this urgently.

Ladyj84 · 27/12/2023 20:31

Huh I think totally different. Why be with someone and feel the need to it's weird to me also. Infact I once asked other half if he did and he said exactly the same why did he need to...so I get you on this one

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 20:31

Definitely therapy. I really hope he’s not aware of this issue.

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:31

@Muthaofcats

OP posts:
Touchwood2654 · 27/12/2023 20:31

Hi OP, you sound like you realise that you are being irrational and unreasonable. You don't let him know your feelings which is very positive. I agree with the other poster that therapy is the only way to go. There are a lot of therapists operating telephone sessions and you can also go to Relate on your own, or access their telephone service.
You already know that the problem belongs to you, not him or the relationship.
Book yourself in for counselling ASAP, and 2024 can be the year you overcome this.
Good luck and take care. X

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:36

@RowanMayfair i can assure you we are not in an abusive relationship. My feelings affect our relationship in no shape or form. I said i dont like to go out, not that i don't so that he can't. He knows nothing, ive changed nothing. It is all feelings i WANT to change and do NOT act upon thank you very much

OP posts:
PeekABoo22 · 27/12/2023 20:36

@Ladyj84 what if your partner is not in the mood? Or likes sex / sexual activity more often than you? Or is out of the house / away and you get horny? Or you just want alone time to reconnect with your own body? Loads of reasons for it, these are only a handful!

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:38

Thanks to those who have showed compassion and not jumped to conclusions or straight down my neck. I think I'll seek some online/skype/phone type therapy to save on the embarrassment

OP posts:
PeekABoo22 · 27/12/2023 20:39

@Boymama12 you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have identified yourself you are being unreasonable, you want to stop these feelings, you are going to get the help to do so. Give yourself a pat on the back. Plenty would self sabotage a relationship

Jennyjojo5 · 27/12/2023 20:40

@Boymama12 oh no please dont be embarrassed! It won’t be anything an experienced therapist won’t have heard a version of before x

Changingplace · 27/12/2023 20:41

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:29

I do not police or prevent or restrict him in anyway, he does not know, as i know this is a me issue, maybe therapy is the way forward

So how do you even know when/if he is? I mean it’s perfect normal for him to, but if you’re not bringing it up anyway how do you even know?

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2023 20:41

I feel the other way. I don't want to be someone's only release. I want their physical need for ejaculation to be dealt with so that if they want to have sex with me it's because they want to have sex with me, not because their balls hurt because they haven't ejaculated in too long. Otherwise I would feel like a wank sock.

Maybe try reframing it that way for yourself?