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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over my issue with partner masturbating

98 replies

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:18

Questions in the title really, I get upset when/if he masturbates, i can't even explain why.. I just know i don't want him to and it makes me feel weird, i want to be his only release. It's gotten to the extent i dont like going out as i know what he'll get up as we don't get much free time now. Lets not get into explaining how i know he has, its only happened a handful of times

Now i KNOW this is ridiculous and unreasonable, and i want to get over it i just don't know how. I had an ex who used an online service to find people for sex, he said it was just masturbating and he never met anyone. Could this be subconsciously why i have an issue? As i know there is nothing wrong with alone time and its healthy and normal and his body.

Any tips how to get over this? Talk some sense into me! But pls dont be mean

OP posts:
ElFupacabra · 27/12/2023 21:50

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/12/2023 20:56

What man doesn't have a wank then use a sock to wipe it.

Clean ones that aren’t tramps?

Lennon80 · 27/12/2023 21:50

If he’s wanking to porn you are totally entitled to feel this way

DixonD · 27/12/2023 21:50

Ladyj84 · 27/12/2023 20:31

Huh I think totally different. Why be with someone and feel the need to it's weird to me also. Infact I once asked other half if he did and he said exactly the same why did he need to...so I get you on this one

My word I hope you’re joking. Trust me - he definitely does it!

Pinkyyogapanties · 27/12/2023 21:55

Op
I just want to say I totally understand. I don’t spend my time thinking about this! But reading your AIBU - i would love to be DHs only release .

I would never ever check his phone as I’d be gutted if I found porn and I couldn’t cope . So I’d never look. DH is lovely and in my ideal dream world there is no wanking over anyone else or using porn or thinking of an ex ! But that’s highly unlikely.

I just wanted to say I feel you!

when I was pregnant I was very frisky and wanted to sort my own needs and I would wank a lot . It meant nothing ! So I totally would never have any issue with DH doing the same but I’d prefer he didn’t !!!

BingosMumma · 27/12/2023 21:56

Tiffincake · 27/12/2023 21:48

Stop using 'have a wank' to refer to females masturbating, it just doesn't work and is vile.

Yeah, agreed it sounds odd

Newsenmum · 27/12/2023 22:00

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. It sounds like you’ve had a horrible experience with men in the past and how it makes you feel. It’s very understandable tbh.
You don’t have to say why or how you know but do you think they way he does or or how you found out affects how you’re feeling about it?

Goodlard · 27/12/2023 22:00

Lennon80 · 27/12/2023 21:50

If he’s wanking to porn you are totally entitled to feel this way

OP does not mention a porn issue in any of her posts!

So stop leaping to conclusions.

jolies1 · 27/12/2023 22:00

I think you’re doing the right thing seeking some talking therapy as it does sound like this is a result of what happened in your previous relationship. It’s ok to have boundaries and conversations eg porn use, not being disgusting (the sock 🤢) but as long as your sex life is normally healthy it shouldn’t be affected by him having a quick functional wank. No sex in our house at the moment as I am heavily pregnant and uncomfortable (can’t be arsed) - DP has taken himself off for the odd evening shower before coming to bed for a cuddle, I’m grateful for the lack of fuss and respect his privacy.

Goodlard · 27/12/2023 22:01

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 21:41

Now I am an all girl mum but I genuinely thought the sock thing was a myth 😣😣

I'm an all boy mum and it is! 🙄

Newsenmum · 27/12/2023 22:01

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:43

@Changingplace it started because i found a used wet semen smelling sock tidying the bedroom haha

Well that is pretty gross! I wouldn’t like that either. Did you jokingly say something? I can imagine it feels a bit strange and secretive.

savethatkitty · 27/12/2023 22:10

Why don't you occasionally join in or partake in mutual masturbation? In time it will feel less taboo

harerunner · 27/12/2023 23:07

savethatkitty · 27/12/2023 22:10

Why don't you occasionally join in or partake in mutual masturbation? In time it will feel less taboo

What?! Isn't that just a normal part of being intimate and having sex? It has been with every partner I've had... Or are you telling me that your partner (assuming you have one) just sticks it in, and there's never any manual stimulation beforehand?

Goodlard · 27/12/2023 23:10

savethatkitty · 27/12/2023 22:10

Why don't you occasionally join in or partake in mutual masturbation? In time it will feel less taboo

Because that's not masturbation as her DO wants? He wants to be alone, don't we all sometimes?

Dontstoptherain · 28/12/2023 00:30

i found a used wet semen smelling sock tidying the bedroom

thats pretty lazy/grim to be fair. We’re very open about masturbation, DP will often announce that he’s going to do it, even do it with me in the room 🤣 but I’d definitely have something to say about leaving cum laying around or going crusty in clothes etc. just put it in the wash ffs.

ShouldGoToBed · 28/12/2023 00:43

Just stop picking up his socks. Once he notices all his socks are on the floor full of crusty old cum he might start cleaning up after himself.

BingosMumma · 28/12/2023 07:59

OP does not mention a porn issue in any of her posts!

PP quite clearly said 'if he's watching porn'.

It's very common for men to watch porn so how the flip is that a leap anyway?

Most women don't realise they have a problem with it, until they do.

LetMeOut2021 · 28/12/2023 08:01

I have no idea when my DH wanks. I presume he does when he’s away with work, but that’s only a hunch because he’ll have had the opportunity. Can you not just agree not to discuss it?

Goodlard · 28/12/2023 08:25

BingosMumma · 28/12/2023 07:59

OP does not mention a porn issue in any of her posts!

PP quite clearly said 'if he's watching porn'.

It's very common for men to watch porn so how the flip is that a leap anyway?

Most women don't realise they have a problem with it, until they do.

But the problem is not that he's wanking to porn, it's that IP us being totally unreasonable and just doesn't want him to wank! It's like you're somehow trying to put the blame on her DH, when it's her issue.

harerunner · 28/12/2023 08:28

LetMeOut2021 · 28/12/2023 08:01

I have no idea when my DH wanks. I presume he does when he’s away with work, but that’s only a hunch because he’ll have had the opportunity. Can you not just agree not to discuss it?

Doesn't you DH shower or go to the loo? You're naive if you think he only wanks when away from you.

harerunner · 28/12/2023 08:32

BingosMumma · 28/12/2023 07:59

OP does not mention a porn issue in any of her posts!

PP quite clearly said 'if he's watching porn'.

It's very common for men to watch porn so how the flip is that a leap anyway?

Most women don't realise they have a problem with it, until they do.

FFS, why do some posters have to put EVERY problem down the man - as though women can never, ever, be the problem, or even part of it... even when it's abundantly clear that it's not the case, and the OP states that it's not!

LetMeOut2021 · 28/12/2023 08:36

harerunner · 28/12/2023 08:28

Doesn't you DH shower or go to the loo? You're naive if you think he only wanks when away from you.

Show quote history

Why are you deliberately misconstruing what I have said to try and undermine me?

I said I have no idea.

Icelandic9 · 28/12/2023 08:56

Ladyj84 · 27/12/2023 20:31

Huh I think totally different. Why be with someone and feel the need to it's weird to me also. Infact I once asked other half if he did and he said exactly the same why did he need to...so I get you on this one

He lied to you

Channellingsophistication · 28/12/2023 09:01

I think you feel this way because of what happened with your ex.

You recognise its not right to feel this way which is half the battle, so perhaps some therapy to reframe your thinking.

BingosMumma · 28/12/2023 09:02

FFS, why do some posters have to put EVERY problem down the man - as though women can never, ever, be the problem, or even part of it... even when it's abundantly clear that it's not the case, and the OP states that it's not!

Calm down! All I said was PP mentioning porn is not a stretch. Back to bed for you I think.

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/12/2023 09:03

Blimey I'd be furious if my DP got arsey about this. We have different sex drives - he is content with once a week, I'd explode with that little attention!! It's my release. And tbh a lot of the time it is almost purely mechanical, there is no emotional or intimate need being met at all. What is your sex life like? Tbh I think you may need this addressing.