Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over my issue with partner masturbating

98 replies

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:18

Questions in the title really, I get upset when/if he masturbates, i can't even explain why.. I just know i don't want him to and it makes me feel weird, i want to be his only release. It's gotten to the extent i dont like going out as i know what he'll get up as we don't get much free time now. Lets not get into explaining how i know he has, its only happened a handful of times

Now i KNOW this is ridiculous and unreasonable, and i want to get over it i just don't know how. I had an ex who used an online service to find people for sex, he said it was just masturbating and he never met anyone. Could this be subconsciously why i have an issue? As i know there is nothing wrong with alone time and its healthy and normal and his body.

Any tips how to get over this? Talk some sense into me! But pls dont be mean

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 27/12/2023 20:42

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/12/2023 20:41

I feel the other way. I don't want to be someone's only release. I want their physical need for ejaculation to be dealt with so that if they want to have sex with me it's because they want to have sex with me, not because their balls hurt because they haven't ejaculated in too long. Otherwise I would feel like a wank sock.

Maybe try reframing it that way for yourself?

Married 15 years and that’s exactly how I feel.

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:43

@Changingplace it started because i found a used wet semen smelling sock tidying the bedroom haha

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 20:44

It's good you know YABU, it's also good you have insight as to why. Can you not connect the 2 now, say to yourself you are being daft, then wrinse and repeat?
Tbf, I probably do more self love when in a relationship than single - he could be thinking about times with you for all you know.
Are you some deep detective, or is he so shite at cleaning up he leaves evidence behind? I think I'd take more issue with a person leaving grim evidence, given that you are out of the house, but still seem to know - how is that? I think a lot of people probably do this when having a shower, so all evidence washes away. If you know he's sat in front of a computer at these times, that could be what's setting you off given your past. That then could be as much about how you feel about porn, not every guy who masturbates uses porn at the time and it's fine to be feeling unhappy about that.

Original poster
Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:47

@Opentooffers yes thats how i know! Poorly cleaned up evidence honestly I just want to be blissfully ignorant but i feel to awkward to be like can you please use a tissue and flush in future! I don't want to embarrass him by him knowing I know..

Also yes i suppose that is cbt, changing your thinking, if i stop myself and remind myself its unreasonable and don't let myself dwell and kepe that up maybe it'll lessen and stop i dno

OP posts:
TypicalCoach · 27/12/2023 20:48

Ladyj84 · 27/12/2023 20:31

Huh I think totally different. Why be with someone and feel the need to it's weird to me also. Infact I once asked other half if he did and he said exactly the same why did he need to...so I get you on this one

Well he is lying to you there because all men do it sorry to actuall5 believe that is so daft
It'd normal and its healthy to masturbate unless you want to have sex everyday day or two

Goodlard · 27/12/2023 20:49

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:43

@Changingplace it started because i found a used wet semen smelling sock tidying the bedroom haha

I'd be speaking to him about leaving dirty washing around! Lazy fecker!

Mrsgreen100 · 27/12/2023 20:49

It’s not ok for him to leave the wet sock laying around for you to clear up
super disrespectful tbh
i would say hey wanking is fine hon but you need to clean up after yourself

LordSnot · 27/12/2023 20:50

Does he watch porn while he does it?

Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 20:52

Ah x posted. So, it's actually grim and fucking cheeky of him to just leave a wet sock laying around. So have a word with him on that basis, not that it's wrong to wank, but it's certainly out of order and grim to not deal with your own mess after. If he tidys up better, you'll never need to think of it. Are you a SAHM? Otherwise, but even so, why the heck do you accept it's your job to pick his random socks up. If you see one ever again after having a word, just leave it for him to deal with - it's not your job!

mrmagpie · 27/12/2023 20:54

But... you want to be his only release and you don't like going out in case he has a wank while you're not there? But if you're out then you can't be involved in the 'release' can you? So I don't see the issue, if that's what's bothering you.

Saying that, leaving used socks around is grim and I would definitely be taking issue with that.

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/12/2023 20:56

What man doesn't have a wank then use a sock to wipe it.

Loopylou7219 · 27/12/2023 20:57

Erby · 27/12/2023 20:23

Don't you ever have a wank, OP?

Brilliant 😂

Opentooffers · 27/12/2023 20:57

How about " stop leaving your dirty socks laying about and put them in the wash basket, as I'm not your slave" - no need to mention wanking at all.

SutWytTi · 27/12/2023 21:00

KateyCuckoo · 27/12/2023 20:27

That's abusive to police his body autonomy..

This isn't what is happening. OP is talking about her feelings and trying to move forwards.

WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 21:01

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:29

I do not police or prevent or restrict him in anyway, he does not know, as i know this is a me issue, maybe therapy is the way forward

Just stop asking him about it.

Jk8 · 27/12/2023 21:02

Boymama12 · 27/12/2023 20:18

Questions in the title really, I get upset when/if he masturbates, i can't even explain why.. I just know i don't want him to and it makes me feel weird, i want to be his only release. It's gotten to the extent i dont like going out as i know what he'll get up as we don't get much free time now. Lets not get into explaining how i know he has, its only happened a handful of times

Now i KNOW this is ridiculous and unreasonable, and i want to get over it i just don't know how. I had an ex who used an online service to find people for sex, he said it was just masturbating and he never met anyone. Could this be subconsciously why i have an issue? As i know there is nothing wrong with alone time and its healthy and normal and his body.

Any tips how to get over this? Talk some sense into me! But pls dont be mean

... its like you feel he's cheating on you with his hand 😄

But really.... this is a thing though (religious sex, right?)
Where a man can only 'finish' in/with a female spouse (for bonding & procreation)

Look up sex laws for christians (if your English-irish-scotish ect.) & wade your way through if necessary as theyres also modern interpretations & personal experiances of couples who have followed it that help people let go of the idea & enjoy/accept what their partner likes too/ontop of what they're into with a far wider understanding & history

Ladolcevita233 · 27/12/2023 21:03

Is there some background of excessive porn use or similar? Or "excessive" wanking (hard to define)?

He definitely should not be leaving spunk covered socks around the floor, tell him to put it in the laundry basket or use tissues and not be so messy and scummy.

TomeTome · 27/12/2023 21:03

You don’t need therapy to desensitise yourself to your partner being gross. Tell him to stop being revolting and that you won’t be cleaning up any of his bodily functions. Really grotty behaviour.

AndDrSamBeckettNeverReturnedHome · 27/12/2023 21:04

Honestly, get to some point in life, heavily pregnant/postpartum/menopause/awake and you will be grateful of the five finger release.

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 21:04

Fully in agreement on your therapy plan, OP. Every guy wanks, most I’ve known have said they ejaculate 2 or 3 times a day. I really love the reframing from a PP, telling yourself that by wanking, he’s doing you a favour because that means when sleeps with you, it’s because he wants to, not because his balls desperately need emptying. I would suggest taking some time to get to know your body as well (most of us women want sex more, the more we orgasm, so self-love is definitely something to practice regularly! )
Edited to remove typos!

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/12/2023 21:28

Agree with PP’s, this is something you really need therapy for. Glad you’re not imposing your feelings on your relationship though, as has been pointed out that would be abusive

LSTMS30555 · 27/12/2023 21:31

JustOneMoreBaileys · 27/12/2023 20:27

its only happened a handful of times

Grin

Sorry. I'll get my coat.

Beat me to it
🤣🤣🤣

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 21:41

Now I am an all girl mum but I genuinely thought the sock thing was a myth 😣😣

MistletoeandJd · 27/12/2023 21:44

On a serious note I think you're doing amazingly to recognise your feelings are not healthy and to not belittle him with it.

How is yours and his sex life ? Relief from masturbation is completely different to sex. It could very well be due to your past history of not feeling 'enough' for that scumbag to have done what he did.

Tiffincake · 27/12/2023 21:48

Stop using 'have a wank' to refer to females masturbating, it just doesn't work and is vile.