Just can't bear this anger against my own mother

[Flight]

I'm sorry. It feels like I might just blow, and I don't know why it's so intense.

She and dad got back today from a short break, and it is her birthday - they came over this morning and we gave her presents, then they took Ds1 off for an hour and a half.

Fine so far. But later I rang her to mention a couple of things I'd forgotten - relevant things - and Ds1 grabbed the phone and asked her to come and see his new transformer.

Well he always does this, I didn't hear the upshot but she and I spoke more afterwards and she didn't mention anything. In fact we said 'see you Tuesday' etc etc. as she has him sometimes on a Tues.

So an hour or so later she arrives at the door. She lives 2 minutes up the road, so it wasn't a big journey - she came in, saying she wouldn't stay long - just came to see the toy.
I said it was Ok.
They get playing while I am sitting with Ds2 at the computer, finishing off something.
She starts making a new 'invention' with Ds1, and as I've finished with the Pc and turn it off, I am sitting there quietly when she starts suggesting making something else to ds1.
We were planning to go out to sainsburys and I am just sitting there being ignored by them both - it always happens, I try and say anything when she's here playing with him and it goes unheard.
Also we have issues over joint discipline/management of behaviour, and it is generally very stressful her eing here at all - she knows this as we discussed it clearly last week. However she seems to have forgotten.
I made a 'no, not really' face at her, as I wanted to get them ready and go out.
She then starts to say she is going, and stands up and asks me what's up.
I said I would talk to her later. I didn't want to argue in front of the boys.
ds1 was clearly uncomfortable and I had to tell him after she had walked out that I was just not getting on to well with Grandma, and it wasn't his fault.
She left her bag behind, meaning again that she would have to come back.

I don't know why I felt so angry with her.
I really don't know. But what I have noticed is that she always, always, without fail, starts a fight on her return from a holiday.
I always look after their pets, they buy us a little gift, all seems fine, and then wham, she finds something to have a fight about.
I think she has an issue with going away. She knows I need her help, but before going she asks if she should ring from wherever they're going, and I always say no, please don't because I build up a coping mechanism while they are not around to help, and it disturbs that.
I think she feels scared without me, actually. She can't bear it if I cope, and can't bear it if I am doing Ok and might leave.
I am so cross at her for undermining me and trying to start a fight, and it's making me fume inside, but I know that's what she wants. bizarrely.

Does anyone else's mother have weird attachment problems or is it just mine?

Please don't tell me I'm an ungrateful cow, as I already feel like that most of the time

What upsets me is her behaving as though I am not the adult in my home, and not the one to make basic decisions about my own family's activities and so on...I think that's it, anyway.

Are you FlightAttendant?
Sounds a bit of a mare

Well, you are still her baby girl I suppose. My Father treats me like this. Stupid things like are the children warm enough. Errrrr no Dad they are in their swimsuits on this fine morning in December.

Sorry, I just realised how long that is. Please ignore, there are people with REAL problems on here today, I feel such an idiot

I just think she depends on me emotionally too much and I need to separate from that. I am building up to moving away from them actually but it is scary as I have never really been on my own.

So you see it goes both ways.

Hi Posie, yes I am

hi it seems a bit off of her to ignore you

Thanks - I know I'm not making that bit up anyway! Yes she does it regularly.

Always an implication that I don't play with him enough, that he suffers unless she is there giving him 1 to 1 attention.

This has been building up for a long, long time.

SIt down and speak to her or write her a letter, I would give anything to have a mum at all - mine died when I was 11 months and the witch my father married was abusive, ignoring me would have been a good day - be adults sit down and tell her to stop playing games and to listen to you.

I wonder if it is partly because she helps out often???? I think granny's are there to give one to one play time/attention etc howeveer if it is someone who sees/has them frequently it is not so easy to accept that is the case?

Twinkle I'm so sorry. This is why I wasn't sure if it was sensible to post - I know how lucky I am to have a helpful mum who is supportive at times.

We've had the discussion so many times. She can't help herself - I've said I can't deal with the games but she apologises and then it just goes on. I swear she thinks I'm her own mother - who was very abusive.

The worst thing is it makes me feel cut off and preoccupied and the kids sense something's off.
Earlier after she had gone, I found I was cutting some cheese and almost trying to let the knife slip - I was trying to cut my own hand becuause I felt so confused and angry.

That always happens.

I think Cargirl has made a very fair point re grandparents.

But it's worrying that you are so upset to the point that you want to hurt or punish yourself physically (sorry if I've got that bit wrong)

Flight, it sounds like there's an awful lot of toxic behaviour from your mother going on. Have you seen the toxic parents thread? it might help you. Your mother's behaviour sounds bloody awful, you are not being ungrateful, this kind of strings-attached help is vile. Don't feel ashamed of being angry about it, it sounds reading between the lines, that you've got a lot to feel angry about tbh.

Thanks - I know, Cargirl is right that she is here a lot and it is quite hard to see her being so full on with ds - but since last week we'd decided she would have him at her house, not here while I'm around, as I always feel ignored or disregarded - undermined often. And we have different approaches which confuses him.

Mercy you're right. I used to do it with food - or absence of - I was severely anorexic for four years have been stable weight for about 7 years now. But still it happens.

Little bella, I was searching for the thread but can't find it. Is it still going on?

My sister reckons I should have moved away years ago.

I wish I was that brave. Two small children on your own is no joke is it? Do people cope without close family?

continue to set your boundaries both with your Mum and your ds, make sure your mum comes around when you invite her, not your ds.

Littlebella, I can't really see how Flight's mother's behaviour can be described as 'toxic' going by what has been posted here, (whatever you mean by toxic). Flight said her mother's mother was abusive.

Are you ok, FA?

sorry, x posted.

Mercy she's referring to a good book by Susan Forawrd i think. Describing how some parents kind of get into emotional mind game type behaviours with their kids...yes, she is I think rather like that. I read it in my teens and remember crying a fair bit.

I'm not too Ok today but I have got to find the strength to get away from the situation.

I'm trying to build the boundaries inside my own head - can't change her really, can I? - I can only change how much it gets under my skin.

It's taking me a very long time.

Thanks for listening to me as it really brings me back a bit

I mean setting boundaries in place to ensure that you are limiting the type of contact you and your son are having with your Mum. You have said that you've arranged for your ds to go to hers on a Tuesday yet she seems to still keep popping in - next time she comes perhaps don't let her in? Make it clear to you ds that grandma sees him on a Tuesday & a Friday etc etc

The overriding feeling is 'she wants me to fail, so I need her'.

If you look at it with that in mind it is very clear in all sorts of things she says and does.

The other evening we talked for a long while about school vs home ed etc etc. For years she has been telling me I don't spend enough time with the children, neglect them, am basically rubbish - and suddenly as I have realised hw much I enjoy having ds1 around, now he's bigger, and am thinking about teaching him myself, she starts to say I shouldn't dedicate my life to him, because I might decide I want a career and would be wasting my life etc.

I'm not allowed to enjoy my children at all. She doesn't want me to enjoy them. I don't know why.

X posted, Cargirl
Yes I see wht you mean. That might be a good place to start. We generally arrange everything by phone, to suit us both - I have a feeling that today she just needed that fight for some reason.

The thread is here but be warned it is very long, it took me about 2 months to get through it and there are 2 more of them now!

I think undermining your daughter, picking fights and inflicting yourself on someone when they've said they're not comfortable with you right now, isvery toxic behaviour actually. And sadly, people who have been abused in childhood and not had their childhood needs met, may have huge difficulties in meeting their children's needs if they have not come to terms with their own childhood. Which is why it's so important to recognise abusive / toxic behaviour in our parents, so that we can be aware of it and not pass it on down the generations.

Thankyou Bella

Will commence reading now.....

Flight I am in the same position as you vis being on my own and only having my mother to rely on for babysitting, emergencies etc. And until the last 6 months or so, I constantly felt guilty, ashamed of being so ungrateful etc., because to the outside world it looked as if she's htis marvellous supportive mother. When in fact she is deeply critical, undermining and plain bitchy when she's alone with me. It had got to the point where I dreaded seeing her, but needed to sometimes because of emergencies etc.. And all the time I felt guilty for being so angry with her that I felt sick... It's a horrible feeling and what has helped me (apart from the threads and reading Toxic Parents) is to try not to be so dependent on her. It means I go out much less, do more housework and spend a lot more on childcare, but it's worth it!

Golly. You and me are very much in the same boat then!
My way of trying to stop it getting too much, is spending more time one on one with the children - one on two, perhaps!
and finding it is good.

She finds it extremely threatening.
Do you reckon it's necessary to actully physically get away?

I struggle with it, think I might take my issues with me - rather stay and fight iyswim than go and project them onto a partner etc. ?

I believe that lack of control of your own life is usually what cause self harm (including not eating!) so it would seem that your Mum is still trying to control your life and not letting you make your own decisions - try and take baby steps to ensuring that you don't ask for her approval - make your decisions and inform her of them.

Do you have friends you can bounce ideas off rather than your mum?