Just can't bear this anger against my own mother

[Flight]

I'm sorry. It feels like I might just blow, and I don't know why it's so intense.

She and dad got back today from a short break, and it is her birthday - they came over this morning and we gave her presents, then they took Ds1 off for an hour and a half.

Fine so far. But later I rang her to mention a couple of things I'd forgotten - relevant things - and Ds1 grabbed the phone and asked her to come and see his new transformer.

Well he always does this, I didn't hear the upshot but she and I spoke more afterwards and she didn't mention anything. In fact we said 'see you Tuesday' etc etc. as she has him sometimes on a Tues.

So an hour or so later she arrives at the door. She lives 2 minutes up the road, so it wasn't a big journey - she came in, saying she wouldn't stay long - just came to see the toy.
I said it was Ok.
They get playing while I am sitting with Ds2 at the computer, finishing off something.
She starts making a new 'invention' with Ds1, and as I've finished with the Pc and turn it off, I am sitting there quietly when she starts suggesting making something else to ds1.
We were planning to go out to sainsburys and I am just sitting there being ignored by them both - it always happens, I try and say anything when she's here playing with him and it goes unheard.
Also we have issues over joint discipline/management of behaviour, and it is generally very stressful her eing here at all - she knows this as we discussed it clearly last week. However she seems to have forgotten.
I made a 'no, not really' face at her, as I wanted to get them ready and go out.
She then starts to say she is going, and stands up and asks me what's up.
I said I would talk to her later. I didn't want to argue in front of the boys.
ds1 was clearly uncomfortable and I had to tell him after she had walked out that I was just not getting on to well with Grandma, and it wasn't his fault.
She left her bag behind, meaning again that she would have to come back.

I don't know why I felt so angry with her.
I really don't know. But what I have noticed is that she always, always, without fail, starts a fight on her return from a holiday.
I always look after their pets, they buy us a little gift, all seems fine, and then wham, she finds something to have a fight about.
I think she has an issue with going away. She knows I need her help, but before going she asks if she should ring from wherever they're going, and I always say no, please don't because I build up a coping mechanism while they are not around to help, and it disturbs that.
I think she feels scared without me, actually. She can't bear it if I cope, and can't bear it if I am doing Ok and might leave.
I am so cross at her for undermining me and trying to start a fight, and it's making me fume inside, but I know that's what she wants. bizarrely.

Does anyone else's mother have weird attachment problems or is it just mine?

Please don't tell me I'm an ungrateful cow, as I already feel like that most of the time

What upsets me is her behaving as though I am not the adult in my home, and not the one to make basic decisions about my own family's activities and so on...I think that's it, anyway.

Thanks for asking Cargirl

Last night was a bit hairy, I was feeling very lonely and wanted to talk to her/someone, unsure of what to do next - I was too miserable to even come on MN, which says a lot.

This morning she rang, she had sent an email but to the wrong address and said she wouldn't resend it as she had been worrying because I hadn't replied, and thought it might not be a good email to send anyway...so.

We had a long talk - she wanted to - and she said she'd been acting inappropriately the last few months, and that the things she said were because she was feeling shitty, and not true - or something like that. So we just talked it out a bit and I explained how hurt I'd been feeling and how I needed to get away a bit more.

I went to see the house - it's great except there is an alley next to it that drug users seem to frequent, which puts me off - however I told her after I'd been, and she started on about the car again and getting all defensive about how she wouldn't be able to use it etc.
Such a promising start to the morning but hey, I knew she wouldn't last.
Oh and then I mentioned buying something for the boys and how dear it was going to be so I would just use the old one, and she 'misheard' me and started saying, 'Oh dear, are you starting spending too much again' and it was hard not to just hang up at that point. But I said, 'er, no, that wasn't what I said' and she went a bit embarrassed.

Honestly I don't feel I can trust her even 5 minutes after an apology.

I wish I could.

She said she missed me too the last few days. I've lost half a stone which is odd!

Flight, hmmm...I remember when I was single and moved out (after living at mum and dads for 6 weeks in which I was made to feel very unwelcome too) I did not want to be with my family but felt I could not survive without them. I felt that if I fell out with them that I may need them in future to 'pick me up' so to speak and would go running back to them...so there was no point in being apart from them. I felt incrediably alone, I had friends, but needed a partner (in an unhealthy way...someone to lean on). Looking back now, as I am now, what would I do differently...hmmmm gather support for what I wanted/needed to do ie split from family. Work hard on boosting my self confidence ie can and will manage, small things like FlyLady would have helped I'm guessing, a short Open uni course. Got involved with some sort of organisation in the day ie for you helping at playgroup/school so you can be there for children as well as being busy. It really is possible for us to manage without our families, we just need to believe in ourselves. And face the loneliness. But I think that will be a passing phase, as we gradually get healthier we meet healthier people, change friends, or actually start making friends. Its an incrediably slow process. But what is the alternative?

Breaking away takes all your courage, its not easy, it does hurt. But gradually the FOG (fear obligation guilt) fades and you start seeing clearly, less confused about how people can treat you, more certain about who you are as a person and your full capabilities...you grow up and become an adult. You and all of us should have done this from the age 0 onwards...gradually and healthily becoming independant. But we were kept too close (for the parents benefit ie being needed or other reasons) and made to stay as children. So here we are in our 20's/30's/40's and just beginning to grow up. I suppose at this stage a therapist would be helpful, or if that is not possible, the stately homes thread. Something that was talked about the other week, how the thread for some is becoming the nurturing parent voice to us that has become stronger than our critical parent voice (or your mother in your life at the moment in your case). So I suppose when in doubt/upset/confused just put down your thoughts on the thread and you can get your child 'needs' met on the thread which will hopefully support you to (emotional) adulthood.

And WOW to 135 IQ...many women on the thread are high achievers...Danae is a highly thought of scientist...but does herself down thanks to childhood training...such a bloody shame!

Anyway, hope you've shined your sink...can't do mine...its plastic

Can't actually see mine Ally
Thankyou - that is brilliant advice. A lot to think about.
I'll be back later x