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Original poster

DH threatened stranger and I feel so awful and anxious

101 replies

grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 21:24

Known DH 5 years, married 3 years. He is usually the most patient and softly spoken person. He doesn't get angry easily, and even when we argue, he keeps his cool and almost never shouts.

This evening, we were crossing the road with DH pushing DC in the pram, but a car was parked across the dropped kerb. This is the exchange that followed as we were crossing over to the other side.

DH shouts: you're parked on the crossing. YOU'RE parked on the CROSSING. YOU'RE PARKED ON THE CROSSING.
I was looking at something on my phone so hadn't been paying too much attention but saw DH pushing the pram very closely around the parked car.
Man in car was a young black man and he rolls his window down.
DH: YOU'RE PARKED ACROSS THE CROSSING
Man: Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.
Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.
DH turns around to the car and shouts: IF YOU TRY I'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LITTLE BOY
Man still in his car: Oh yeah you sure about that.
I tell DH to keep walking and am so anxious and shocked at both DH and the situation unfolding.
Man again repeats if DH is sure about that.
We walk to our car.

I can't believe DH threatened someone. And with DC with him. It could have been so dangerous. But also I feel so alarmed that he lost his cool like that. Over nothing. And that he said he would "beat" someone down and also calling him a "little boy". Like DH is supposed to be so big an scary. I am just appalled.

Once in the car, I told DH how dangerous that felt and to never respond to anyone like that. And why was he so annoyed that someone parked across a dropped kerb. Annoyed enough to have a spat with DC with us.

OP posts:
Dappy55 · 26/12/2023 21:26

And the man's ethnicity was relevant because?

Original poster
grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 21:29

Dappy55 · 26/12/2023 21:26

And the man's ethnicity was relevant because?

Sorry, I didn't clarify.. because I wonder if that's partly why DH had his outburst like he did. And called him "little boy" as if to belittle him

Edit: but also the point of the thread is also relevant without the man's ethnicity.

Also neither DH nor I are white in case you think I'm stereotyping the man in the car

OP posts:
Consideringachange2023 · 26/12/2023 21:30

Well it’s not ideal to do in front of you or your child because yes technically he could have put you at risk. However you’ve said he’s never done this before, never shown this side, never been violent etc so I don’t think you can assume this to be more than just a bad moment for your DH. Maybe he’s just pissed off with people parking on crossings, or he’s had a bad day, maybe the stress of Christmas etc.

if it’s not a regular occurrence or behaviour I would simply say “I really didn’t like that, please don’t do anything like that again in front of me or DC” and leave it there.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/12/2023 21:31

Well what did he say? That sounds so horrifically out of character that I would be worried for him. I don't see any racial issues jumping out unless that's a repeat pattern.

Consideringachange2023 · 26/12/2023 21:32

And surely if your partner was a raging racist you’d have known it by now?

Forgotmylogindetails · 26/12/2023 21:32

Wow the man was a young black man. And your fucking point ?

Original poster
grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 21:34

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/12/2023 21:31

Well what did he say? That sounds so horrifically out of character that I would be worried for him. I don't see any racial issues jumping out unless that's a repeat pattern.

He said sorry and that I was right and it wouldn't happen again. I asked if he was ok, he said yes. He said he was just annoyed that the man was on the crossing. And then because the man threatened him, he said it annoyed him even more.

But DH was being rude shouting at the man being on the crossing in the first place. And the man initially said sorry.

Also, I don't feel like the thing DH was annoyed at warranted a reaction like that at all. Like it really was nothing. I wouldn't have batted an eyelid and would have used the pram on another bit of the pavement - like it was such a non issue

OP posts:
Toottooot · 26/12/2023 21:35

The man threatened him first - fars the issue? Nae ideal but he didn’t throw the first threat.

LittleMissSunshiner · 26/12/2023 21:36

So your DH came over all street and gangsta when he felt threatened by a young black man?

It could be some form of underlying prejudice or bias that he's got.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 26/12/2023 21:37

This is such a bizarre exchange 😂 so the man went from profusely apologising to say he would smack him with nothing in between?

Sorry but I’m laughing at your DHs language, “I’ll beat you down little boy”. I don’t think I could ever take my husband seriously again if he said that 😂

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

Echobelly · 26/12/2023 21:39

I'd agree with @Toottooot - the young man threatened first if it fell out as you said. The shouting at that incident is the sort of thing my DH would do in that situation which would embarrass me, but also wouldn't be totally unfounded. But it seems odd that the guy jumped from apology to threat just like that - are you sure DH didn't gesture or say something else to him that led to it? (Not that it was justified in any case)

Cosmosforbreakfast · 26/12/2023 21:39

Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.

You should probably change your title to 'DH retaliated after he was threatened by a stranger'.

Why is your DH the bad guy and not the stranger who started it and kept shouting after your DH? It wasn't ideal to shout back at the stranger who threatened him, he should have just ignored him but maybe he felt he had to stand up for himself or make some show of defence.

YRGAM · 26/12/2023 21:41

Your DH hasn't done anything wrong there, car man is 100% in the wrong

FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2023 21:43

Well hang on, the other man aggressively threatened your dh and your dh responded - he didn’t respond well but he didn’t start it.

AlwaysGinPlease · 26/12/2023 21:45

YRGAM · 26/12/2023 21:41

Your DH hasn't done anything wrong there, car man is 100% in the wrong

This.

Missingmyusername · 26/12/2023 21:45

“Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.”
Man: “If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.”

Well that escalated quickly!

DysmalRadius · 26/12/2023 21:45

Surely get DH did start it by shouting at the man in the first place?

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 21:47

The bloke regardless of colour or age was the one to threaten him first!

Your husband made it clear that he wouldn't take any shit from him and would stand up for himself if the man in the car attempted to carry out his threat.

Well done to your husband. You sound like a frightened mouse scurrying along.

Always stand up for yourself and take no crap from anyone.

mayorofcasterbridge · 26/12/2023 21:48

I don't blame your husband one bit!

The arsehole was in the wrong but he threatened your DH first!! What did you think your DH should have said, "yes that's ok, thanks"??!

ArcaneWireless · 26/12/2023 21:50

There seems to be a chunk of dialogue missing or a gesture or expression.

It would be odd for someone to go from apologising to a threat.

As it is? The other chap started with the threats first.

LinnieM · 26/12/2023 21:50

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

It doesn’t really matter whether the OP and her husband are white or not. It didn’t add anything to the story at all…

lindter · 26/12/2023 21:52

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

Christ.

Branleuse · 26/12/2023 21:54

This is your husband. It's out of character. I think he's under more stress than he's letting on.

Floopani · 26/12/2023 21:56

Maybe I just had a particular kind of upbringing, but this sounds like normal sort of confrontational exchange. Seems neither man was actually going to do anything more than posturing to be honest and both were a little scared of what the other might actually do.