DH threatened stranger and I feel so awful and anxious

[grumpesaurus]

Known DH 5 years, married 3 years. He is usually the most patient and softly spoken person. He doesn't get angry easily, and even when we argue, he keeps his cool and almost never shouts.

This evening, we were crossing the road with DH pushing DC in the pram, but a car was parked across the dropped kerb. This is the exchange that followed as we were crossing over to the other side.

DH shouts: you're parked on the crossing. YOU'RE parked on the CROSSING. YOU'RE PARKED ON THE CROSSING.
I was looking at something on my phone so hadn't been paying too much attention but saw DH pushing the pram very closely around the parked car.
Man in car was a young black man and he rolls his window down.
DH: YOU'RE PARKED ACROSS THE CROSSING
Man: Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.
Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.
DH turns around to the car and shouts: IF YOU TRY I'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LITTLE BOY
Man still in his car: Oh yeah you sure about that.
I tell DH to keep walking and am so anxious and shocked at both DH and the situation unfolding.
Man again repeats if DH is sure about that.
We walk to our car.

I can't believe DH threatened someone. And with DC with him. It could have been so dangerous. But also I feel so alarmed that he lost his cool like that. Over nothing. And that he said he would "beat" someone down and also calling him a "little boy". Like DH is supposed to be so big an scary. I am just appalled.

Once in the car, I told DH how dangerous that felt and to never respond to anyone like that. And why was he so annoyed that someone parked across a dropped kerb. Annoyed enough to have a spat with DC with us.

Car guy made a big threat first.

i can see why when someone makes a threat like that someone might feel the need to respond with a similar verbal threat…..like a form of defence. So maybe your dh felt if he sounded like a tough guy then car guy wouldn’t get out and beat him?

For people saying DH did the right thing by retaliating, I don't think so because I just wouldn't want to risk escalating a situation especially with DC there. Absolutely nothing is worth risking DC being hurt.

Secondly, I don't think it was the man who instigated it. DH was being rude telling him/shouting at the man for being in the wrong place. And so maybe the guy apologised in the first place but on second thought he also thought DH could have said it more politely.

And wrt to me being racist. I wouldn't think I was racist at all. However I accept that I need to think about why I've used the words or justifications I have done.

The way DH spoke and reacted. I think the way he told the man he was parked in the wrong place and then to go on and call him a little bit and that he would beat him were all very ugly ways to be annoyed with someone. I can't describe it but it isn't sitting well with me.

And wrt to me being racist. I wouldn't think I was racist at all.

So, why tell us his race? You didn’t feel the need to tell us yours.

But OP you said that your DH shouted “you’re parked in the crossing”, which was a simple statement of fact. He (the motorist) was inconveniencing pedestrians and potentially endangering wheelchair users and visually impaired people, and presumably shouting was necessary so the motorist could hear while shut inside his car.

Yes, the escalation was ugly, but I don’t like the idea that calling out behaviour that inconveniences or endangers others should be avoided just in case the perpetrator reacts badly.

Because he's the one who started shouting first?

Off the point, but do you habitually look at your phone when crossing the road? Because it would be a good idea to stop if so.

I think you are upset just because of tge unexpected altercation and potential for things to have gotten out of hand. Indeed those random street attacks we hear of sometimes do start somewhere, and it must be with men being obnoxious to one another. I suspect both men here knew that they were unlikely to escalate physically because it was a ridiculous nothingness, you and a child were there, etc etc.
i would try to draw a line in your own mind here, I think this is impenetrable man thinking that led to this encounter and you'll not satisfy yourself looking for an explanation otherwise

I cant tell if you have missed something out or you are one of those weird, late night posters.

Man: Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.
Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.
So the man apologised then immediately threatened your husband? That does not make sense. What happened between those two sentences?

What happened was random man-thought. Honestly, this kind of shit happens all the time, women rarely see it

How embarrassing. Your husband acting like a thug.

It’s just a parking space - and two idiot men fluffing their feathers. They need to calm down.

Why is it hilarious? Can you only be racist if you’re white?

Your dh is ridiculous what if the other guy had a knife or gun then what...how utterly stupid of him

Do you think only white people are racist against black people? Lol This is so weird ...

What has his ethnicity got to do with it?

His skin colour has NOTHING to do with it!!!!

Don't even try and justify it. There is no justification!

My daughter uses a large electric wheelchair and the amount of times we've got soaking wet walking an extra distance because some twat has decided to park across a dropped curb! On seeing our dilemma if drivers sat in the car they usually apologise and move on/forward etc.. and that's fine but very often the driver isn't in the vehicle 🤬 It is infuriating and many don't consider others when they park like this. I think if DH had politely asked him to move he would have done but maybe both driver and DH were suffering g from Christmas stress and that's why it escalated.

OP, I'm black and I think I understand the underlying reasons that could have influenced your husband's reaction and the black man's.
Sometimes when non-black people see a black person, they see a less-than-human and refuse to give them the same level of grace, understanding, and respect.
For example, when window-shopping, people sometimes bump into me and intuitively look up and begin apologising. However once they register I'm black, they withhold their apology and I can see disgust slowly take over as they walk away. In some cases, some wait and begin to insult me (even though they walked into me), for example, saying 'are you blind; or you must be stupid to run into me: wtf etc.'
When I was younger, I, who would also be intuitively apologising, would then go from saying something like, 'oh dear; sorry; it's ok etc, to (when my brain registers that I'm being treated less-than because of my colour) 'you're an awful human being.'
Now I'm grown and wiser, I just walk away.
My sister has a saying that when some people see black people, they don't see a human and all bets are off. I've come to believe so in my 50 years of living.
So, your non-black non-white husband may have unconscious bias. And in case you didn't know, 'boy' is a word that white men used when talking to a black man in Jim Crown America, typically used to diminish their sense of self and masculinity, it's well documented and established. It may be that your DH knew that.

The black man may have switched once he registered that your husband could have stopped shouting once he apologised but he didn't instead he continued to berate him. Would your non-white husband treat a White person that way? Possibly not.
Now, I should make clear that even some black people will be courteous to non-black people, but once they're interacting with another black person, they lose their humanity. I've had black managers disrespect mr, shout at me, ignore me in a room while they treat my non-black counterparts well, they make them feel respected and regarded.
I say this to say that as humans, we should always reflect on how we move through the world and check our biases because they are there.
For example, I once worked out that I am biased towards my colleague who is somewhat heavy and I actively questioned where that came from and then took baby steps in my everyday encounters with heavy people to truly 'see' them.
Now, from the OP, it appeared to me that you mentioned this man is black to indicate that he's dangerous and your DH put you all at risk by engaging with him, for all you know, he could have had a killing punch, gun, or knife,
You were more concerned about the safety of you and your family than about your non-white non-black DH's biases. Just own it and grow from it.

*Jim Crow America

Fear

I feel irrational anger at people who do selfish shit like park in disabled bays etc, little things that could really affect someone in need. HENCE WHY ITS BEEN FUCKING ALLOCATED. However, I've had to drastically calm down on my street rage over the last 10 years and just accept some people are stunningly selfish. It's not worth the risk saying anything, every scruff and their goldfish has blades on them these days and are absolutely fine with using them over next to nothing. My DS has witnessed two stabbings this year and we're in a pretty OK area, it's just there's an influx of arseholes thinking they're a peaky blinder.
I think you're correct to stop your DH saying things to strangers, one of the stabbings my DS witnessed was a road rage incident.

I agree your DH initiated the incident and I understand why you want him not to do so.

Getting angry at strangers over things like parking misdemeanours is unwise, it could escalate and it isn't going to achieve a change in behaviour anyway.

If this verbal aggression is really out character, I'd focus on what is underlying it.

I wouldn't have reacted as strongly as your husband but I get cross when people park across dropped curbs. It's really selfish behaviour.

The guy definitely knew he was parking across the dropped curb.

Agree 100% if someone said that to me I'd get the rage and cut him down. Stupid little boy