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Original poster

DH threatened stranger and I feel so awful and anxious

101 replies

grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 21:24

Known DH 5 years, married 3 years. He is usually the most patient and softly spoken person. He doesn't get angry easily, and even when we argue, he keeps his cool and almost never shouts.

This evening, we were crossing the road with DH pushing DC in the pram, but a car was parked across the dropped kerb. This is the exchange that followed as we were crossing over to the other side.

DH shouts: you're parked on the crossing. YOU'RE parked on the CROSSING. YOU'RE PARKED ON THE CROSSING.
I was looking at something on my phone so hadn't been paying too much attention but saw DH pushing the pram very closely around the parked car.
Man in car was a young black man and he rolls his window down.
DH: YOU'RE PARKED ACROSS THE CROSSING
Man: Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.
Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.
DH turns around to the car and shouts: IF YOU TRY I'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LITTLE BOY
Man still in his car: Oh yeah you sure about that.
I tell DH to keep walking and am so anxious and shocked at both DH and the situation unfolding.
Man again repeats if DH is sure about that.
We walk to our car.

I can't believe DH threatened someone. And with DC with him. It could have been so dangerous. But also I feel so alarmed that he lost his cool like that. Over nothing. And that he said he would "beat" someone down and also calling him a "little boy". Like DH is supposed to be so big an scary. I am just appalled.

Once in the car, I told DH how dangerous that felt and to never respond to anyone like that. And why was he so annoyed that someone parked across a dropped kerb. Annoyed enough to have a spat with DC with us.

OP posts:
Notallmilsarebad · 26/12/2023 21:56

You don’t have to be white to be racist…

BeethovenNinth · 26/12/2023 21:58

Didn’t car man threaten your husband though?

Boomboom22 · 26/12/2023 21:59

So you think your dh is racist?

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 26/12/2023 22:00

I dont think your DH did anything wrong. He was threatened and stood up for himself. Maybe the guy in the car will think twice next time he threatens a stranger as your DH didnt back down like I assume most people would have done.

Roundandback · 26/12/2023 22:01

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 21:47

The bloke regardless of colour or age was the one to threaten him first!

Your husband made it clear that he wouldn't take any shit from him and would stand up for himself if the man in the car attempted to carry out his threat.

Well done to your husband. You sound like a frightened mouse scurrying along.

Always stand up for yourself and take no crap from anyone.

I agree that it sounds as though your DH was just asserting himself and not allowing someone to threaten him.

I agree that generally it is better to try and de-escalate a situation but this man threatened your husband and you're saying he reacted over nothing and should just passively accept what the man said?

Devonshiregal · 26/12/2023 22:11

grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 21:29

Sorry, I didn't clarify.. because I wonder if that's partly why DH had his outburst like he did. And called him "little boy" as if to belittle him

Edit: but also the point of the thread is also relevant without the man's ethnicity.

Also neither DH nor I are white in case you think I'm stereotyping the man in the car

Edited
Show quote history

Babe you’re just digging yourself deeper holes left right and centre aren’t you…

ANY and EVERY ‘group’ of people is capable of racism and/or stereotyping. It isn’t just us “evil white people”. In fact with this comment YOU just proved that. Might want to reflect on this.

Perhaps it isn’t your husband who’s the covert racist.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 26/12/2023 22:11

If this man couldn't see a crossing, as he was slowing down and deciding to come to a stop on it, he probably shouldn't have been driving in the first place.

It sounds like he was contrite at first, but then worried about his street cred, and so he called something 'tough'-sounding once he knew it was only going to be words; after all, if he himself wasn't going to get into a brawl with a man who was pushing a small child in a pram, that father was also not going to abandon his child and start a scrap either, was he?

I'm really struggling to see how your DH did anything really wrong here - the driver was the architect of this whole situation. Parking/waiting on a crossing is very stupid and selfish - and you don't do it 'by accident' or by 'not noticing', unless you've broken down.

AmeliaEarhart · 26/12/2023 22:11

You might not have batted an eyelid and used the pram in a different part of the pavement, but a wheelchair user wouldn’t have had that option so I don’t think your husband was wrong to call out the motorist. Parking across the crossing was dick behaviour and your DH was just pointing that out. The escalation was a bit weird, but once again your DH was not the instigator here.

IncompleteSenten · 26/12/2023 22:22

He was wrong to park there but your husband was ridiculously aggressive.

Re boy. Calling a black man "boy" is problematic and can be seen as racist due to the history of the use of the word boy towards enslaved men. So I can see why you mentioned his colour given your husband's choice of words.

Zoreos · 26/12/2023 22:24

Cosmosforbreakfast · 26/12/2023 21:39

Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.

You should probably change your title to 'DH retaliated after he was threatened by a stranger'.

Why is your DH the bad guy and not the stranger who started it and kept shouting after your DH? It wasn't ideal to shout back at the stranger who threatened him, he should have just ignored him but maybe he felt he had to stand up for himself or make some show of defence.

This! WHY are you demonising your husband for retaliating when someone threatened him and intended for you and your child to see it? This is absolutely a you problem for being so unreasonable and not your husbands. The man’s ethnicity is of no consequence, only the fact he’s a massive bully. Your DH could have walked away but not many people after hearing that would. If my OH didn’t verbally retaliate to that I’d probably dump him for being such a wet blanket. Even the nicest people have a breaking point and that man found it.

beetle02 · 26/12/2023 22:25

It seems like your DH’s behaviour was unusual, perhaps influenced by the driver's little stature, which the driver himself reacted to by shifting from apologetic to threatening.
Men pick up on passive aggression too.

Given his wife and little child were there, what your DH did was indeed dangerous had things escalated. Hopefully, your DH learn from this and avoid such situations in the future, especially with family present. He can be passive aggressive when he is by himself.

Growlybear83 · 26/12/2023 22:25

I don't quite see the issue here, apart from your comment about the man in the car being black?

mapleriver · 26/12/2023 22:26

He mentioned you in his threat, even if he didn't say he was going to hurt you, that will get to a man. I don't think he did anything wrong apart from initially he didn't have to shout it, could have went alot calmer if he'd just said alright mate you're parked on a crossing

cestlavielife · 26/12/2023 22:27

You need to stop looking at things on your phone while you walking along
Risk of missing something and phone being nabbed

TookTheBook · 26/12/2023 22:28

Are you both mega sleep deprived? No excuses for street rage but maybe both need to think twice before petty interactions with strangers if this is how it escalates?

Devilsmommy · 26/12/2023 22:33

Notallmilsarebad · 26/12/2023 21:56

You don’t have to be white to be racist…

Glad someone pointed that out🤨

Sensibleandboring · 26/12/2023 22:34

Think your husband sounds stressed but shouting the same thing x 3 about being parked in the wrong place sounds unreasonable & irritating.

ActDottie · 26/12/2023 22:42

Toottooot · 26/12/2023 21:35

The man threatened him first - fars the issue? Nae ideal but he didn’t throw the first threat.

This. The other man was hardly an angel. The other man was also in the wrong for where he had parked up. I get so fed up of cars blocking pedestrian routes.

caramac04 · 26/12/2023 22:51

If I were threatened like that I’d tell the little twat how pathetic he is. Probably say worse than that tbh. No way would I cow down to a loud mouthed bully.
Yes I know I might get smacked one day but frankly most bullies back down when people dare to stand up to them.

Nineteendays · 26/12/2023 22:54

Why was the man like oh I’m really sorry and then I’d beat you up if it wasn’t for the pushchair?

sounds like you dh just reacted to someone threatening him - I couldn’t be massively annoyed by that. The little boy comment is cringe but not awful- I’m sure he could have said much worse.

Happinessischeeseontoast · 26/12/2023 22:54

Aren't you annoyed that a stranger who had done something wrong dared to threaten physical violence on your dh when it was pointed out? I'd be wanting to say something back myself nevermind my dh!

GreyGoose1980 · 26/12/2023 23:01

ArcaneWireless · 26/12/2023 21:50

There seems to be a chunk of dialogue missing or a gesture or expression.

It would be odd for someone to go from apologising to a threat.

As it is? The other chap started with the threats first.

This. Not sure how the man went from an apology to a threat.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/12/2023 23:14

What is it you feel awful and anxious about?

I mean, I get why just after the incident with your adrenaline up you'd still feel anxious. But I don't really get what's upsetting you now?

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 26/12/2023 23:14

Sounds like your DH just got frustrated and angry at an arrogant young lad who threatened him first. Don't think him being black has anything to do with it.

Bature · 26/12/2023 23:25

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

She can be non white and still be racist towards black people. You think all POC are monolithic?She herself has stated that she thought her DH’s choice of words might have been racially motivated.

But, sure. Hilarious.

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