Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened stranger and I feel so awful and anxious

101 replies

grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 21:24

Known DH 5 years, married 3 years. He is usually the most patient and softly spoken person. He doesn't get angry easily, and even when we argue, he keeps his cool and almost never shouts.

This evening, we were crossing the road with DH pushing DC in the pram, but a car was parked across the dropped kerb. This is the exchange that followed as we were crossing over to the other side.

DH shouts: you're parked on the crossing. YOU'RE parked on the CROSSING. YOU'RE PARKED ON THE CROSSING.
I was looking at something on my phone so hadn't been paying too much attention but saw DH pushing the pram very closely around the parked car.
Man in car was a young black man and he rolls his window down.
DH: YOU'RE PARKED ACROSS THE CROSSING
Man: Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.
Man: If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.
DH turns around to the car and shouts: IF YOU TRY I'LL BEAT YOU DOWN LITTLE BOY
Man still in his car: Oh yeah you sure about that.
I tell DH to keep walking and am so anxious and shocked at both DH and the situation unfolding.
Man again repeats if DH is sure about that.
We walk to our car.

I can't believe DH threatened someone. And with DC with him. It could have been so dangerous. But also I feel so alarmed that he lost his cool like that. Over nothing. And that he said he would "beat" someone down and also calling him a "little boy". Like DH is supposed to be so big an scary. I am just appalled.

Once in the car, I told DH how dangerous that felt and to never respond to anyone like that. And why was he so annoyed that someone parked across a dropped kerb. Annoyed enough to have a spat with DC with us.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 27/12/2023 07:38

OP was the man parked on an actual crossing? And were you ok with that? Why do you think it doesn’t matter?

And yes I would have said something to the man (before dh even had a chance!) But I wouldn’t have repeatedly shouted it.

AndOnAndOn1000 · 27/12/2023 07:42

Huge over reaction by you.
The guy threatened your DH and your DH reacted.

HelpMeGetThrough · 27/12/2023 07:45

Well if someone threatened me like that, I'd have asked them to get out the car and try it, regardless of whether he was black, white, pink or purple.

Mouthy little gobshite,

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/12/2023 08:15

HelpMeGetThrough · 27/12/2023 07:45

Well if someone threatened me like that, I'd have asked them to get out the car and try it, regardless of whether he was black, white, pink or purple.

Mouthy little gobshite,

Really? With your baby there?

I get it OP, my husband isn’t soft at all, but part of being a grown up and a protective father is not needlessly escalating situations and increasing the risk of violence. So many people seem to feel the need to show they’re the big man but I find it much more attractive when someone has the emotional self regulation to be able to de-escalate.

pilates · 27/12/2023 08:36

Your DH put himself in a vulnerable position. The other man could have been carrying a knife.

cornonthesnob · 27/12/2023 09:09

YRGAM · 26/12/2023 21:41

Your DH hasn't done anything wrong there, car man is 100% in the wrong

This

PaperDoIIs · 27/12/2023 09:36

grumpesaurus · 26/12/2023 23:52

For people saying DH did the right thing by retaliating, I don't think so because I just wouldn't want to risk escalating a situation especially with DC there. Absolutely nothing is worth risking DC being hurt.

Secondly, I don't think it was the man who instigated it. DH was being rude telling him/shouting at the man for being in the wrong place. And so maybe the guy apologised in the first place but on second thought he also thought DH could have said it more politely.

And wrt to me being racist. I wouldn't think I was racist at all. However I accept that I need to think about why I've used the words or justifications I have done.

I love how you're full of excuses for the other man , but are trying to paint your husband as a violent,abusive and possibly racist arsehole. I wonder why. Is your marriage ok?

While on principle I agree with you about confrontations in front of/with children present , your attitude towards your husband stinks.

LittleMissSunshiner · 27/12/2023 11:00

Maybe I read the Daily Fail too much, maybe I've live in C Lon too long, maybe I've been a member of WebSleuths too long... all of the above

-but- people in this life need to urgently learn how to deal with frustrating and difficult situations and to learn to gently disengage and walk away no matter who is right or wrong, dignity intact.

Heck, even say, 'sorry, man, no bother' because people can and do get maimed, injured, stabbed, shot, group kickings... all day every day off the back of these types of interaction. Also people run their mouths and before you know it, racial insults or other slurs are involved, not OK.

There's a saying 'would you rather be right, or be happy?' (meaning do you want to go about your day in a state of conflict or just be easy) and I would escalate it to 'would you rather be right, or be alive and well?'.

OP your bloke sounded tightly wound. It wasn't a serious matter, he chatted back a bit to try be the 'big man' but perhaps you could encourage him in the future to let it drop just as you do have a child to think of and one never knows what can happen next. If he's not usually that kind of edgy and moody then have a chat about what's going on for him that's got him so uptight lately.

I sometimes yell at the cab drivers who run the red light on the street where I live, mostly because they nearly run someone over every time, it's a busy pedestrian area. Sometimes they stop their vehicle to lean out their window and yell back at me. I'm always shocked when they do that - like who would take the time and effort to stop their vehicle and hold up the traffic to yell at someone who yelled at them for breaking a red light, but they do. Those type of people are dangerous, so I get out the way quickly. Don't hang around yelling back!

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 11:01

@hattie43 Sorry, what now? What a racist comment

quisensoucie · 27/12/2023 11:03

@grumpesaurus There's a big chunk of this story missing here
And there was no reason to mention his ethnicity - I don't care if you are non-white, that was just goady. You couldn't just say 'there was a man in the car'?

PalePurplePumpkin · 27/12/2023 11:05

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

Are you pretending the OP's DH can't possibly be racist because they're not white?

Why would you do that?

EveryOtherNameTaken · 27/12/2023 11:09

He was threatened. He was standing his ground.

Nothing more. You are over reading things.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 27/12/2023 11:10

Your husband was pointing out he had blocked the crossing by parking on it. The crossing I'm assuming he wanted to use to keep his child safe! That's the protective father coming out right there. The guy in the car didn't like his ego being threatened by someone telling him he's wrong that's why he threatened your husband, it didn't need to escalate in the way it did. But your husband was being a protective husband and father.

Lalalanding · 27/12/2023 11:11

This is not a very MN thing to say because of the pearl clutching that goes with it but men can and do regularly behave physically aggressively towards other men. I work in a male dominated role with males of all ages, I’ve seen it all even from professional men. Jordan Petersen speaks about it a lot.

DH works in uniform, some little shit made it his daytime hobby to jump out in front of DH and get in his face when he was walking by for his own shits and giggles a few times. The cheeky idiot tried it one time DH was out of uniform and has surprisingly never tired it since. That is how men handle arseholes.

HardcoreLadyType · 27/12/2023 11:14

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

Why? Lots of south Asian people are racist towards Black people (for example).

And Jews (who may be white) experience a huge amount of racism.

I’m not convinced that the outburst could not possibly have been racist.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 27/12/2023 11:14

Sofiabella · 26/12/2023 21:38

Everyone crying racism then being all wrong footed when the OP turns out not to be white herself is hilarious 😆

You can be none white and racist you know ffs 🙄

Marineboy67 · 27/12/2023 11:30

AndOnAndOn1000 · 27/12/2023 07:42

Huge over reaction by you.
The guy threatened your DH and your DH reacted.

This....the instinct to protect your family & children can be very strong and sometimes perhaps over reactive and imbalanced. That said I know I've been guilty of doing this. That said what would you rather have, a husband that turns the other cheek in a situation of potential threat or danger or one that stands up to it?

PlipPlopChoo · 27/12/2023 11:35

Do you need to be looking at things on your phone when walking down the road?

Unless I am reading the sequence of events wrong. I am not sure what your HB did wrong. People parking against dropped kerbs are inconsiderate arseholes and the other man made the first threat. Your husband was initially rude but not threatening.

Sirprised · 27/12/2023 11:44

I don't think your husband's behaviour was that bad. I live somewhere fairly 'confrontational' and this sort of incident isn't that unusual. Not that I like it - it would still make me feel anxious.

I assume your husband was annoyed because he felt that the drivers parking was putting your child in danger. I have reacted angrily to drivers when I've had a pushchair and their inconsiderate driving has put my child in some kind of danger. I specifically remember an incident a couple of years ago when I was walking my son to school and another parent at the school had parked on single white lines near the school entrance (which say you can't park there at school drop off and pick up times) and managed to block the entire pavement by doing so. The pavement is very narrow. So everybody had to walk into the road at the busiest time of the day for traffic. The driver was in the car so I said "you shouldn't be parked here. You are blocking the pavement and we can't get past" in an annoyed tone. She already knew. You'd have to be an idiot to not realise what you'd done. She went off on one at me and started pointing her finger in my face. I still feel annoyed when I think about it now!

I think your husband got carried away but why should he back down when a stranger (who is in the wrong) has threatened him? Your husband didn't start with the threats, he just reacted to them. He was standing up for himself.

Sirprised · 27/12/2023 11:46

Have you ever thought your husband was racist before? Was he aware of the sex or ethnicity of the driver when he first spoke out? I wasn't aware of the connotations of using the word 'boy' to describe a black person and wouldn't have even known it could be linked to race. I'd have assumed it was because he was younger so he was trying to put him in his place. Would he be aware of the link?

Original poster
grumpesaurus · 27/12/2023 11:47

LittleMissSunshiner · 27/12/2023 11:00

Maybe I read the Daily Fail too much, maybe I've live in C Lon too long, maybe I've been a member of WebSleuths too long... all of the above

-but- people in this life need to urgently learn how to deal with frustrating and difficult situations and to learn to gently disengage and walk away no matter who is right or wrong, dignity intact.

Heck, even say, 'sorry, man, no bother' because people can and do get maimed, injured, stabbed, shot, group kickings... all day every day off the back of these types of interaction. Also people run their mouths and before you know it, racial insults or other slurs are involved, not OK.

There's a saying 'would you rather be right, or be happy?' (meaning do you want to go about your day in a state of conflict or just be easy) and I would escalate it to 'would you rather be right, or be alive and well?'.

OP your bloke sounded tightly wound. It wasn't a serious matter, he chatted back a bit to try be the 'big man' but perhaps you could encourage him in the future to let it drop just as you do have a child to think of and one never knows what can happen next. If he's not usually that kind of edgy and moody then have a chat about what's going on for him that's got him so uptight lately.

I sometimes yell at the cab drivers who run the red light on the street where I live, mostly because they nearly run someone over every time, it's a busy pedestrian area. Sometimes they stop their vehicle to lean out their window and yell back at me. I'm always shocked when they do that - like who would take the time and effort to stop their vehicle and hold up the traffic to yell at someone who yelled at them for breaking a red light, but they do. Those type of people are dangerous, so I get out the way quickly. Don't hang around yelling back!

I completely agree with you. I think no matter what the situation, there's just no need to be so aggressive. And it was something that was not a big deal.at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpesaurus · 27/12/2023 11:50

Sirprised · 27/12/2023 11:46

Have you ever thought your husband was racist before? Was he aware of the sex or ethnicity of the driver when he first spoke out? I wasn't aware of the connotations of using the word 'boy' to describe a black person and wouldn't have even known it could be linked to race. I'd have assumed it was because he was younger so he was trying to put him in his place. Would he be aware of the link?

I think DH was totally aware of that link. And I think by the time he said it, he had seen the man.

I don't think he's ever been racist but it was just his entire attitude in that moment. Like he was so much bigger than the man in the car. It was his tone and body language too. He almost spat the words out.

I also don't care what the man in the car was like. The way DH spoke was embarrassing and uncalled-for.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 27/12/2023 11:53

Not sure I am getting this right.
There was a car parked on a curb ON A PEDESTRIAN CROSSING, which is rather dangerous. Your husband pointed that to the driver. The driver apologised and said he had not seen the crossing? (Weird not to see a crossing). The man in the car waited till your husband was on the other side of the road to threaten him (instead of moving his flipping car to a legal and safe spot?). Your husband replied verbally, showed no sign of being afraid or backing off, but nobody engaged further. Is that right?
Because I do see the illegally parked driver as the source of the conflict here?

Bature · 27/12/2023 12:36

Also people run their mouths and before you know it, racial insults or other slurs are involved, not OK.

Er, no. Not if the people in question aren’t racists. Racial slurs don’t just slip out, inadvertently, from the mouths of people who have never used them.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 27/12/2023 12:39

Missingmyusername · 26/12/2023 21:45

“Sorry I didn't see. Sorry if I saw it I wouldn't have parked there.
We are now crossed over to the other side.”
Man: “If you didn't have your pushchair with you, I would get out now and smack you down in front of your wife.”

Well that escalated quickly!

I was thinking the same 🤣