Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope with all the sitting around when family visit?

106 replies

Thematic · 25/12/2023 20:32

I've had three days where various members of my and my husbands extended family have been visiting, and I feel like i'm losing my mind with all the aimless sitting around and smalltalk we've been doing. When the kids were younger it was so much easier when people visited as they were a lot more distracting, and kept us busy - there was always something to do, but now they are tweens and teens they don't take up much time. So moving forward I need to find a new way to be with the family that stops me feeling a bit depressed throughout the whole visit.

I'm not exactly an introvert, but I like my own company (or at least to have the ability to make my own choices about what I do with my time) and I'm very independent and tend to like social interactions in fairly short bursts. I'm also terrible at keeping still and doing nothing, so these long days of Christmas visits is definitely a challenge for me. The various parents are fit but in their late 70's so we can't do anything too energetic with them any more. But they won't read a book or watch tv when they visit, and so we just end up sitting round the kitchen table making endless smalltalk which is absolutely my worst nightmare. But I'm also quite a polite person and don't like just going off and doing my own thing as I'm aware that seems rude.

What does everyone else do? What would you do if you were me in the circumstances? We aren't a boardgame playing family so that's probably not something we'd do to stay occupied. But I need something to do please!

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 26/12/2023 17:17

mumsytoon · 26/12/2023 14:44

This. I'm selfish and I don't care that I am. It's also my Christmas time and why should I waste my time/ feel miserable doing something I really don't want to. Luckily we aren't in this position though.

Show quote history

You are me 🙂
Took me a long time to get here though.

Kathy34 · 26/12/2023 17:23

I'm the same way!! I do plastic canvas. Keeps me buzy but still attentive to the conversation

SallyWD · 26/12/2023 17:45

You say the elderly people are fit so why not go for a gentle walk? We've been for a walk with my 80 year old MIL today. Was lovely to get some fresh air and exercise.
We also play a lot of games. We all enjoy board games and cards.

BlackPhillipa · 26/12/2023 17:51

It's not so much the constant chatting that gets me, it's the subject matter. Yesterday I spent 5 hours listening to 2 family members monologue about:

Reality tv
Illnesses/injuries people they barely know have
The crappy endless soaps they watch
Local gossip
Their flowerbed
Neighbours decorating
A recent dentist appointment
How the town Christmas lights have gone downhill so much since 20 years ago.

So very very very dull. These are not even elderly people. I'm not doing Christmas with them again. I just can't. I feel like Christmas has become a ritual of me having a shit day to appease others.

mindutopia · 26/12/2023 22:02

It’s absolute hell. Dh’s family has been here since Friday so we are now on day 5, with 2 days to go. They are all in their 30s. We’re the only ones with dc. All they bloody do is sit around the table in the kitchen. Occasionally, they do a loop on the footpath that runs past the house for some fresh air. I’m bored out of my mind. Every year I say I’m never doing this again. 😩 I’m going out tomorrow and leaving them to it.

Lottapianos · 26/12/2023 22:05

'Dh’s family has been here since Friday so we are now on day 5, with 2 days to go'

Jesus, you deserve a medal. I couldn't imagine staying with anyone for a week, but if I did, I definitely wouldn't be sitting around and getting in their way all day every day

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 22:15

Take regular 30 min breaks - naps, urgent work, phone calls, housework, meal prep

English heritage type excursions? If you really can’t get them out doing anything take yourself off for a long walk everyday (you have a bad back and your physio has ordered it).

Insist on a film in the evening. Give them a list of choices.

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 22:16

mindutopia · 26/12/2023 22:02

It’s absolute hell. Dh’s family has been here since Friday so we are now on day 5, with 2 days to go. They are all in their 30s. We’re the only ones with dc. All they bloody do is sit around the table in the kitchen. Occasionally, they do a loop on the footpath that runs past the house for some fresh air. I’m bored out of my mind. Every year I say I’m never doing this again. 😩 I’m going out tomorrow and leaving them to it.

Never do it again, it sounds appalling

spookehtooth · 26/12/2023 22:29

Not my idea of fun, I get bored without something to do other than talk/drink/eat. Get a dog, then you can go for long walks once you've gotten bored

FreshWinterMorning · 26/12/2023 22:50

URGH this thread is making me itch and giving me goosebumps and nausea.

This is why in the last 15 years, we haven't had a single soul stopping at our house overnight, and we NEVER stop anywhere else, only hotels. Our 2 adult daughters left about a decade ago, and apart from their boyfriends, (who stopped over maybe half a dozen times each circa 2011-2013 before they got their own place together,) no-one else has stayed here since about 2008.

Our adult daughters and their husband/partner come around about every 3 weeks, and stop five or six hours. I think because they only visit once every 3 weeks or so they feel the need to compensate and stay like, midday to 6pm. Sometimes longer.

We love seeing them - and for the first 3 hours or so, it's great... but after they've been here 5 or 6 hours, we are exhausted ... We prefer to go to their house - which we do in between them visiting us, because we can leave when we like - and we normally stop about two hours. I think that's enough time to stop at anybody's house. A two to three hour visit. Maybe a couple of times a month. And no stopping over. Luckily we only live around 25 minutes drive away.

I don't get these families that spend 3/4/5 hours a day or more in each other's houses almost every day of the week. I think I'd be driven bonkers very quickly. I fucking hate visitors - and much prefer to meet people in town for a coffee or a pub lunch or go for a walk by the canal or river. I can't stand people in my house. Only our DD's and their DH's once or twice a month.

I was all right up to my early to mid 40s and used to love socialising and having people round and having parties. Parties with 10 or 15 adults - and all their kids. And children's parties (for the DDs.) with up to 20 children. I would entertain them and feed them, play party games, take 4 kids at a time to the zoo or a theme park, and everything.

I would have port and wine and nibbles at Christmas, and invite 15-20 neighbours, and had a New year's ever party every year for about 7 years on the trot... I was a proper social butterfly. But now it just makes me shudder the thought of anybody stopping at my house for more than a few hours a month. I have not had a party for about 14 or 15 years, since my mid 40s... and am never likely to have one again!

And no-one can stay at my house! I would rather pay for a hotel for them myself!

Mustreadabook · 26/12/2023 22:59

Train for a marathon. Must 'run' everyday. Very slowly to a coffee shop is the most effective way.

Buggysleeper · 26/12/2023 23:18

On day 3 of late nights playing fucking board games with the in laws. For some reason they see it as an achievement to not put the telly on over Christmas. Tomorrow we are going home, and I will be sitting on my sofa in blissful silence, catching up on all the trash I have missed. The whole sitting around endlessly chatting makes me die inside. Also I’m bloody knackered and will resume my going to bed at 9

FreshWinterMorning · 26/12/2023 23:27

DH found a 'second cousin' about 17 or 18 years ago, through genes reunited. He hadn't seen her for about 30 years since he was about 10. Even then they only met twice, at 2 weddings - 3 years apart... She was about 20 years older than him. She actually contacted him after seeing him on GR. Long story short, she came up from down South (where she lived) to see him ... She came to our house about 11:00 o'clock in the morning and stopped. until 11:00 o'clock at night ... Confused It was SUCH a dreary slog entertaining her all that time. It was a break getting into the kitchen to cook!

She had booked a room at a local Premier Inn, but was hoping to stay. We said we really have no room. I reckon she stopped so late in the hope that she couldn't get a cab, but DH was teetotal at the time and said he will take her anytime... She was really angling to stay, but we only had a three bedroom house and we said both our daughters have got a bedroom each, and we shared one ...

She kept saying 'why can't they bunk up together so I can stay?' She was really cheeky and really rude considering I'd never met her before in my life and DH hadn't seen her for 30 years since he was about 10, and didn't really know her. We took her to the hotel at 11.30pm. I think she was hoping to be double-booked so would have had to to come back with us. So odd. Her desperation to stay with us.

A few months later we went to see her and her partner - down south - and we booked a premier inn as well to stop in. (Me and DH went. Our DDs didn't come. They went on a sleepover.) We got to his second cousin's house about midday and stopped till about 6pm. We tried to get away from about 4:00pm, but they kept us talking, and they were rambling on and on - and she got really offended and really took umbrage when we said we didn't want to stay there ....

They'd actually got a double mattress on the floor in the dining room and a big quilt and two pillows for us to stay the night. (They only had 1 bedroom in a tiny flat.) They really couldn't understand why we didn't want to stay. Even if they had had a big bedroom for us we would not have stayed.

I said 'we have booked a room now' and she said 'no you must stay here.' She was so bossy was really irritating - but I am assertive and I said 'I really don't want to stay here. I want to stay in the hotel that is booked.' I was actually getting quite annoyed. She went all sniffy when we left, and her partner saw us out. Silly woman.

They came up one more time about 6 months after that and she bought her brother who DH had never met... We all had nothing in common, and no shared history really, as DH only met her twice as a child... 30 YEARS earlier. We spent about 4 or 5 hours talking about nothing - and then they all just went back home ... Never seen them since. But yeah, it was fucking hard work trying to talk to these people who we really didn't know.

Splendidsunbird · 26/12/2023 23:45

My way of coping with a full three days of interaction staying with extended family has been a combination of playing board and card games, alcohol, helping in the kitchen, and retreating to my crochet. Crochet is prefect as you can still converse as much as you want, but also 'retreat' a little too.

IShouldNotBeSurprised · 27/12/2023 01:10

I'll add to the chorus of needlework people. I've been carrying around projects since I was a tween.

I have 3 daughters-in-law who also carry project bags with them. Two of them were here the morning of the 24th, we were waiting for the rest of the family to arrive and sat knitting/crocheting and chatting.

I'm an introvert and have some social anxiety, so having a project in hand, even if I'm barely working on it, is really grounding for me.

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 01:22

I’m another person who takes sewing with me or will do sewing if people come to our house for long periods of time. In-laws love board games but are way too competitive for me, so I sit quietly sewing but can join in conversations if necessary.

Massive crosswords are also good to break up the time

Disturbia81 · 27/12/2023 11:22

FreshWinterMorning · 26/12/2023 22:50

URGH this thread is making me itch and giving me goosebumps and nausea.

This is why in the last 15 years, we haven't had a single soul stopping at our house overnight, and we NEVER stop anywhere else, only hotels. Our 2 adult daughters left about a decade ago, and apart from their boyfriends, (who stopped over maybe half a dozen times each circa 2011-2013 before they got their own place together,) no-one else has stayed here since about 2008.

Our adult daughters and their husband/partner come around about every 3 weeks, and stop five or six hours. I think because they only visit once every 3 weeks or so they feel the need to compensate and stay like, midday to 6pm. Sometimes longer.

We love seeing them - and for the first 3 hours or so, it's great... but after they've been here 5 or 6 hours, we are exhausted ... We prefer to go to their house - which we do in between them visiting us, because we can leave when we like - and we normally stop about two hours. I think that's enough time to stop at anybody's house. A two to three hour visit. Maybe a couple of times a month. And no stopping over. Luckily we only live around 25 minutes drive away.

I don't get these families that spend 3/4/5 hours a day or more in each other's houses almost every day of the week. I think I'd be driven bonkers very quickly. I fucking hate visitors - and much prefer to meet people in town for a coffee or a pub lunch or go for a walk by the canal or river. I can't stand people in my house. Only our DD's and their DH's once or twice a month.

I was all right up to my early to mid 40s and used to love socialising and having people round and having parties. Parties with 10 or 15 adults - and all their kids. And children's parties (for the DDs.) with up to 20 children. I would entertain them and feed them, play party games, take 4 kids at a time to the zoo or a theme park, and everything.

I would have port and wine and nibbles at Christmas, and invite 15-20 neighbours, and had a New year's ever party every year for about 7 years on the trot... I was a proper social butterfly. But now it just makes me shudder the thought of anybody stopping at my house for more than a few hours a month. I have not had a party for about 14 or 15 years, since my mid 40s... and am never likely to have one again!

And no-one can stay at my house! I would rather pay for a hotel for them myself!

Did you used to enjoy it or were you just doing it because you thought you had to?
See I've always been like you are now 😆 and wondering why the drastic change?

FreshWinterMorning · 27/12/2023 21:47

@Disturbia81

Did you used to enjoy it or were you just doing it because you thought you had to?
See I've always been like you are now 😆 and wondering why the drastic change?

I did it all when I was younger (under 40) because I wanted to and did enjoy the social interaction. Indeed, I loved company, having people come around to see me, meeting people for lunch and a coffee, and having little parties for the neighbourhood, and parties for my kids!

When my kids hit their mid teens (they are close in age) and didn't need me for anything, and didn't want their 'mommy' doing parties for them, (and didn't really want to speak to me for about 3-4 years! 😆) I started working more hours, started to care for a few older family members, I became peri-menopausal, and tired much of the time, and the landscape changed. By 45, I couldn't be faffed with entertaining anyone! In fact I CBA to even have a single visitor now except the kids and their partners! (I am late 50s now.)

When I got to my early 50s, my kids went to uni and never came back, (now both live half hour drive away,) and I took on a few hobbies, and cut my hours at work back down a bit, and found myself just wanting peace and quiet and solitude, and not the hubbub and crazy busy social life I had pre middle age/menopause. Can't pinpoint where it changed (exactly,) or why. But it was around middle age/early menopause.

You say you still do it all. Do you do it because you love it, or because you feel you should? Smile

.

Disturbia81 · 28/12/2023 07:47

FreshWinterMorning · 27/12/2023 21:47

@Disturbia81

Did you used to enjoy it or were you just doing it because you thought you had to?
See I've always been like you are now 😆 and wondering why the drastic change?

I did it all when I was younger (under 40) because I wanted to and did enjoy the social interaction. Indeed, I loved company, having people come around to see me, meeting people for lunch and a coffee, and having little parties for the neighbourhood, and parties for my kids!

When my kids hit their mid teens (they are close in age) and didn't need me for anything, and didn't want their 'mommy' doing parties for them, (and didn't really want to speak to me for about 3-4 years! 😆) I started working more hours, started to care for a few older family members, I became peri-menopausal, and tired much of the time, and the landscape changed. By 45, I couldn't be faffed with entertaining anyone! In fact I CBA to even have a single visitor now except the kids and their partners! (I am late 50s now.)

When I got to my early 50s, my kids went to uni and never came back, (now both live half hour drive away,) and I took on a few hobbies, and cut my hours at work back down a bit, and found myself just wanting peace and quiet and solitude, and not the hubbub and crazy busy social life I had pre middle age/menopause. Can't pinpoint where it changed (exactly,) or why. But it was around middle age/early menopause.

You say you still do it all. Do you do it because you love it, or because you feel you should? Smile

.

Edited

Thanks for answering!
No I meant I've always been like you are now, don't like having people stay in the house or hosting etc so got out of doing it very early in my life.

RidingMyBike · 28/12/2023 07:55

Greenfinch7 · 26/12/2023 10:52

If any of these relationships mean anything to either of you, give that person time alone with the elderly relative. Small talk is usually what happens when people are not actually interested in one another. If I am alone with my own kids the conversation is real, not superficial and petty. Sometimes the presence of DILs who think their MIL is a bore can make every conversation into a tedious bit of superficial misery.

Is that a mutual opinion though? I'm fairly sure my DM would say the same whilst I tolerate her in small doses! She thinks the conversations are great, I spend the time inwardly screaming or hiding in the kitchen.

LetMeOut2021 · 28/12/2023 07:55

Suggest a walk?

Threewheeler1 · 28/12/2023 08:04

I'm finding it seriously reassuring that others feel the same. Desperate for some self-directed bloody solitude after 5 days of coping with the enforced wider family together-time 😫
So much time spent just preparing food, eating food, tidying away food, taking a minute to escape and tripping over people aimlessly wandering around the house. My vinegar string is well and truly pulled.
Honestly, not doing it again. No more.
Need to put my head back together and do something constructive today! 😂

countrygirl99 · 28/12/2023 08:10

ClareBlue · 25/12/2023 21:31

Go feed the goats for 2 hours and ask if anyone wants to join you and then let Alpha goat free range. It works, trust me.

I have a horse that needs attention. Keeps me sane. DS pointed out that as mum is completely uninterested in the horse, has no idea how long they live and he isn't kept at home I can use him as an excuse even after he is gone (he's quite elderly).

missfliss · 28/12/2023 08:31

You are my people

countrygirl99 · 28/12/2023 08:43

Greenfinch7 · 26/12/2023 10:52

If any of these relationships mean anything to either of you, give that person time alone with the elderly relative. Small talk is usually what happens when people are not actually interested in one another. If I am alone with my own kids the conversation is real, not superficial and petty. Sometimes the presence of DILs who think their MIL is a bore can make every conversation into a tedious bit of superficial misery.

I'll send you my mum for a couple of days. She has about 15 anecdotes that are her only conversation and it's like she has a set script for each one. On any day you will get 3 or 4 of them on endless repeat. I see her every week so I know all of them off by heart. You'll be desperate for a break after a couple of hours.