To think that finding love is really pot luck?

[Jennyjojo5]

Mid 40’s, two adult kids, own home, professional career.. I’m not looking for love in order to build the traditional life of buying a home, having kids etc (as I have all that already and did it all myself) but I really would like to find love for reasons of companionship, intimacy, emotional support etc

i had my kids relatively young with the wrong guys, neither of the guys I was in a proper stable relationship with. However, that’s by the by and was 20+ Years ago now so not relevant. However, I’ve never had a relationship lasting more then 2 years and, even then, it was only twice!

im educated, confident, attractive and extroverted. I work a professional job, am a naturally positive person (btw I’m not inferring any of those things make me a better person than anyone else - I simply mean I’m in a good place). Of course I have my flaws like everyone else but I wouldn’t say any of those are beyond what’s normal lol, I am also privileged to be emotionally stable and had a wonderful fulfilled and loved upbringing. I know how lucky and privileged I am in my life and I am very very grateful for that. I also know several women in exactly the same situation as me.

but I can’t keep a guy!!! I have no problem attracting them but they always leave, 99% of the time within the first 3 months or so and because of an ex (either them returning to them or not over them emotionally). I now won’t entertain the idea of even going on a date with a guy who has come out of a long term relationship within the last 18 months, but it still happens!

im fed up of the usual advice of ‘you have to love yourself first/ work on yourself’ as I am very content with myself. I don’t know any of my happily married friends who ‘worked hard on themselves’ or ‘worked to love themselves first’ before they bumped into the love of their lives 🤣

ive tried dating all types of different guys- I have a thing for extroverted confident guys so I thought I’d try dating men who are more introverted etc. it was equally as disastrous.

so my question is, do you believe it’s pure luck that you meet ‘the one’ ie just so happened to be in the right bar/workplace/party etc at the right time? And that it’s just pure luck that the guy was in the right place emotionally at that time etc to want the same things as you ? Ie there’s no real trick to these things?!

To some extent I think it can be just pure luck, but I do think it helps if you put yourself in the right place to meet the right man. And I don't think it's going to be in a bar or at a party . In my own life I met DH at my volunteer job - I work in our local museum and so did he. So I had the chance to get to know what he was like / a bit about his life before we got any closer. It also let me know that he is the sort of person who has the same interests . I do think that these things help. Good luck in your search !

What is your definition of love ?

It is much easier when you are young. I had a long relationship in my late teens/early 20s and I think life would have been easier if we had stayed together. With each decade that passes there is more baggage all round plus you get jaded.

As for luck, I’m not sure. I do think you have to make a lot of effort to get what you want.

Oh yes I totally agree! The bar/ party etc was just a random list lol. I do volunteering, I have hobbies where I meet/mix with others etc, I’ve done OLD, I have a wide circle of friends who i often socialise with along with their other friends etc. I am highly sociable and am always out and about in situations where I meet new people

so I’m definitely ‘putting myself out there!’

well I guess like what my parents have; friendship, support, spending and enjoying time together, helping each other get through the lows, having fun and laughing, respect for one another, equal relationship

My aunt found the love of her life at 60.
Many people are happy to put up with a lot of crap so they won’t be alone- clearly you haven’t so count that as a positive!

One million per cent I agree with this! Over the years I’ve seen many friends in crappy long term relationships and was thankful I wasn’t in their situation! But my two best friends both have wonderful marriages (20 plus years married); their husbands are lovely lovely supportive family men (although of course they can be a pain in the ass at times. But again, nothing beyond what can be considered as normal lol)

That’s interesting.. and I’d agree with that for other areas of life but when it comes to love I’m not so sure? Everyone I know, without exception, just so happened to ‘bump’ into who became their partner without there being a deliberate attempt to do so

do you have any ideas as to what effort someone should go to in order to meet someone? Genuinely curious 😊
Thank you!

To be honest I’m not dissimilar.

Fell pregnant 3 months into a relationship when I was 23 and had a son, we stayed together a few years till he was 18 months old.

I met someone a few years later I fell madly in love with, we were engaged and thought we’d marry but it feel apart about 3 years in….. that’s was 2010!!

Since then I’ve not dated anyone longer than 6 months! I’m now 43 with a 20 yr old son.

Id love more children, I’d love a relationship. I just can’t find anyone!!

Again, not bragging but I’m in good shape, attractive, emotionally in touch, good job, nice life etc!

I don’t get it either!

Yes I agree the older you get the harder it becomes because of baggage! Eg because my kids have grown up, I won’t get into a relationship with a guy with young kids. That then reduces the pool cos a lot of guys my age have primary age or younger children. That’s 100% not for me

I mean to be honest, alot of the good ones are taken aren't they? It's slim pickings once you get older.

Yessss you get it!!!!! And I have a group of friends all in the same position! ❤️

also never say you’re bragging when you point out all the good things about you! You are who you are and you should be proud!

@Crishell I agree! And then the good ones who then become available after a divorce are usually emotionally unavailable or damaged and I don’t want that!

Aww thanks @Jennyjojo5 - yes you’re right that it’s ok to share our attributes! 😍

Good luck with your finding the one, I’m hoping santas bringing me a surprise this year! Haha x

@MiddleagedBeachbum haha I think it’s the time of year that I normally think about it most! I always think ‘oh maybe next Xmas I’ll be with someone!’ And the next Xmas comes around and… nope! 🤣

I agree OP, its massively down to luck, timing, circumstances etc.
As you say, you've been blessed in many other ways...

I mean this kindly OP, do you think your extreme self assurance is putting them off a bit? It’s so great you’re in a great place, positive and feeling attractive but I do think to build a bond in early relationships you need to let go a little and have a smidge of emotional insecurity- that’s what creates that nervous butterfly feeling that makes you want to see that person again.

What I mean is, are you letting your guard down and letting these people get to know you or are you going in with a my life is perfect I’m perfect attitude? As on here you’ve even said your flaws aren’t that bad, and that may come across as a bit I’m too perfect for you.

Not my experience as I've been with the same man since I was 28, but from observation and knowledge of myself, I think it gets harder the older you get. One the pool is far smaller, as at any age beyond say, mid twenties to early thirties, a large proportion are taken. But also you know yourself better and are less willing to accept others' quirks etc. You also have more things you'll discount as you get older, eg men with young children etc.

I look back on my dating history and see that I just jumped into relationships with hardly a thought in my late teens and 20s. I can't imagine doing that if I was single now- I'd be analysing everything and not wanting to compromise too much either.

@OrchardApples thanks for your comment! I didn’t actually say my flaws aren’t too bad. I said I don’t think they are anything beyond what would be considered normal and I think that’s an important differentiation tbh. I meant my flaws aren’t serious eg anger issues , obsessive, addictions etc. they are just normal flaws eg disorganised, untidy, etc ( a classic ENFP personality type for anyone who knows Myers Briggs 😊)

im interested that you think I’m come across as too self assured. I mentor young girls and a big focus I have is on building their self esteem and self assurance. I feel I’m just a 45 yr old women who is comfortable with myself in general (of course I have insecurities too); is that a bad thing nowadays?

interestingly, in the past, I have been too vulnerable with guys at the early stages of dating and that turned out to be a bad thing 🤣 so I feel I can’t win 🤷‍♀️

It’s luck and circumstances, OP, and also many, many women settle and put up with awful men for years

Dont let other posters make suggestions on how it could be you

You sound lovely

@Onelifeonly I think you’re absolutely correct in everything you say! ❤️

@Datinlove aww thank you for your kind words
❤️

I’m happy with my current situationship but wouldn’t describe it as a LTR. Secure and independent in my own life.

I’ve been told by various partners that I’m too independent, or that they wouldn’t have dated me if they realised I was so clever. I think I struggle to ask enough of them to make them feel secure.

TitInATrance I’ve been told I’m too independent, too needy, not mysterious enough, too laid back, too stressy

I’ve had loads of boyfriends over the years and one thing is certain - they will find faults with you, and not commit until they’re ready to commit. Until then they will date around and find fault with women they’re lucky to be with.