To think that finding love is really pot luck?

[Jennyjojo5]

Mid 40’s, two adult kids, own home, professional career.. I’m not looking for love in order to build the traditional life of buying a home, having kids etc (as I have all that already and did it all myself) but I really would like to find love for reasons of companionship, intimacy, emotional support etc

i had my kids relatively young with the wrong guys, neither of the guys I was in a proper stable relationship with. However, that’s by the by and was 20+ Years ago now so not relevant. However, I’ve never had a relationship lasting more then 2 years and, even then, it was only twice!

im educated, confident, attractive and extroverted. I work a professional job, am a naturally positive person (btw I’m not inferring any of those things make me a better person than anyone else - I simply mean I’m in a good place). Of course I have my flaws like everyone else but I wouldn’t say any of those are beyond what’s normal lol, I am also privileged to be emotionally stable and had a wonderful fulfilled and loved upbringing. I know how lucky and privileged I am in my life and I am very very grateful for that. I also know several women in exactly the same situation as me.

but I can’t keep a guy!!! I have no problem attracting them but they always leave, 99% of the time within the first 3 months or so and because of an ex (either them returning to them or not over them emotionally). I now won’t entertain the idea of even going on a date with a guy who has come out of a long term relationship within the last 18 months, but it still happens!

im fed up of the usual advice of ‘you have to love yourself first/ work on yourself’ as I am very content with myself. I don’t know any of my happily married friends who ‘worked hard on themselves’ or ‘worked to love themselves first’ before they bumped into the love of their lives 🤣

ive tried dating all types of different guys- I have a thing for extroverted confident guys so I thought I’d try dating men who are more introverted etc. it was equally as disastrous.

so my question is, do you believe it’s pure luck that you meet ‘the one’ ie just so happened to be in the right bar/workplace/party etc at the right time? And that it’s just pure luck that the guy was in the right place emotionally at that time etc to want the same things as you ? Ie there’s no real trick to these things?!

@TitInATrance i hear ya! But then they also complain if you’re not independent enough or if you’re not clever enough… think that’s a them problem tbh! Plenty of men love independent and clever women; I know several men who are absolutely devoted to their partners who are like this ❤️

Yes I think it’s all luck and timing - meeting the right single person at a point you both feel ready to commit, and at the same speed, and compatible life aspirations, personalities etc. And some unexpected life event not getting in the way!

Statistically it’s always easier if you’re in your 20s as more likely to have flexible lives but it can happen at any time and certainly sounds like you have the right outlook - just a run of bad luck, and I agree with your 18month rule!

Wishing you luck, timing and happiness!

@JamMonster thank you, i feel you are absolutely right and you worded it perfectly !

I’m finding it much more difficult now in my mid 30s than I did in my 20s and even early 30s.

This point was made upthread, but you know yourself better and become less and less willing to compromise the older you get. I used to jump into relationships in my 20s but now I’m hyper alert to red flags or amber flags (like incompatibility) in the early stages of dating.

I actually think the advice of learning to love yourself is terrible for relationships. When you develop a good sense of self worth and standards, you realise that most people are actually not compatible with you. It makes you more likely to enter into a relationship with your eyes open and less likely to enter into a bad relationship.

I do think most people settle in relationships. Most people haven't done the work on themselves. They put up with poor behaviour to get children or keep a roof over their heads. Women hope men will change if they love them enough. Men just want sex and someone to cook for them. Most people (men and women) don't actually want love and companionship etc. They want someone to split living costs, give them kids, give them sex and help with the housework. Even on here yesterday there was a depressing thread where most posters told a woman to stay in a sham marriage where her husband was gay and they hadn't had sex in decades. Most people have really fucking low standards.

So yes I do think it is pot luck to get a decent partner. Less so to get a substandard one.

I'm also mid 40s, spent 20 years settling with the wrong man and have two primary age kids. Now I live on my own with the kids, am financially independent and have done the work on myself, I really am wondering what the point of having a relationship is. I can get companionship elsewhere. So it comes down to sex.

It’s definitely more difficult to find a good partner as you get older especially of you’ve had time on your own and got comfortable in your own skin and less willing to settle.

Im in my 50’s and been single 4 years now and the pool of suitable men my age is very very shallow.

Like a lot of mature women, I’d rather be single than tolerate poor behaviour and a low effort man. I’m not prepared to be a cook and cleaner or replacement wife.
My son is an adult now, I’ve got a good social circle and friends that I have nights out, weekends away and holidays with. So unless I find a man where we add something extra to each others lives, I’d rather stay as I am.

The show Sex and the City from 25 years ago was all about successful, ambitious, independent women having high standards and not settling. It painted a completely unrealistic picture of dating in your 30s with the main characters ending up with a Wall St millionaire, Upper East Side divorce lawyer, male model/actor and a bar owner (the only ‘realistic’ one) in their late 30s/early 40s.

I think that show has a lot to answer for 😁

At the age of 54, I'd been on Tinder for about a week or two when I accidently swiped right when I meant to swipe left (he had no profile, just a photo, the photo was lovely but part of my rules had been they must have a bit of a write up about themselves). He messaged more or less straight away, we chatted for a couple of weeks then met up. A year later we moved in together. We were happy, very, very happy. We had six wonderful years together before he died.

I do believe there is an element of luck, yes.

Maybe your friends didn’t bump into the love of their life, maybe they just settled 🤷‍♀️

Crushed23 I disagree
People esp in cities like New York and London are marrying later in 30s and 40s
and if you move in those circles, then yes you will meet similar people

OP, I think you sound fab! I think you're absolutely right it's luck and timing. I met my husband young and I do now feel lucky I did (although I do remember worrying about "settling down too young" in my 20s!).

I don't think I'm overly fussy, and am quite normal/have my life together etc but if I were single now I can't think of a single man I know I'd be interested in dating.

I think a lot of women are with terrible partners, and they put up with it to not be single. I think it sounds liem you wouldn't settle for someone who didn't add to your life, and absolutely rightly so. But definitely narrows the field

Oh come on, it's one thing to demand nothing less than a wall st millionaire - but wanting someone who is reasonably funny/kind/attractive/'together' is hardly setting the bar in the sky!

I agree.

I don't want to live with a partner again. The amount of men in their 40s who still live with their parents (ie - would see me as a housing solution) is depressing.

Right place right time doing what you're into, I think. Someone with similar interests is easiest. I follow a particular music scene so go to several of their events. I met my lovely DP of 7 years now there. A friend met a fellow dog walker whilst out walking her dog, they're married now. We're older than you. Being out and social helps, if you want to meet someone

Absolutely agree.
I don’t want to live with a man again. I’m too old to be blending families but I don’t think finding an equal companion where you both bring something to the equation and you fancy each other, make each other laugh, communicate well and enjoy each others company plus have good sex is really much to ask.

@SamW98 yep this is exactly what I want! Like you said, it’s not much to ask for

As you get older the dating pool of decent, secure men naturally shrinks. Many are in relationships and have been for ages.
So the ones left are a bit crap.
That's not to say some older men don't want LTRs - and some women are prepared to compromise their standards for subpar relationships in order to be in one.
I'm glad you aren't.
I think you can meet someone - and, crucially, someone decent.
I think it's WAY harder than in your 20s/early 30s - but I think it's possible if you maintain your standards and keep on doing what your doing.

I agree with you.

Society and biology is set up in a way that women - like you and me, can have an incredible life without a man. Men less so. So that leaves you in a space where huge numbers of single men have never had to do all the things you speak about which have made you an incredible person: care for children alone, childcare while working, putting yourself out there for dates as a single mum etc. Meanwhile there are loads of capable, smart, attractive women out there and I just don’t think there are many decent men around, as you’ve found.

I’m really touched by all the lovely messages and noticed there seems to be a consistent theme..

a) that most of the good men have already been taken by my age and so the pool of decent men is much smaller
b) better to be single than in a sub par relationship (I’ve always firmly believed that!)
c) that the general consensus is that it is more luck than anything if you happen to meet someone in the right, time, place and circumstances

Do you think a lot of guys our age mite
Be looking for someone younger.

As an older woman I’ve found a lot of men are look for 10/20 years younger. I’m mid 50’s, look and act younger - I still go to raves and dance music festivals - and yet I was getting messaged from men in their late 60’s and even 70’s. Men my own age seem to be chasing 30 somethings - poor deluded old fools

Typically men in their 40s who want children are looking for younger women. Makes sense. But there are plenty of men who don't want children who aren't.

Historically, women needed men to be a provider. They needed men to financially support them. So in exchange for that women fulfilled the domestic role. Men and women had something to offer one another in a relationship.

Nowadays, women don't need the financial support of men. But men seemingly still want women to fall into the domestic role without offering them anything in exchange for that sacrifice.

I think it’s more by accident than design to meet The One.

If you’re out there looking for love, eg doing OLD, it feels more like interviewing for a job in a partnership where compatibility and similar morals and life plans are more important. The feeling of “love” seems to be absent or mistaken for lust.

The feeling of “love” is easy to find. To have it reciprocated is the tricky bit.