To think that finding love is really pot luck?

[Jennyjojo5]

Mid 40’s, two adult kids, own home, professional career.. I’m not looking for love in order to build the traditional life of buying a home, having kids etc (as I have all that already and did it all myself) but I really would like to find love for reasons of companionship, intimacy, emotional support etc

i had my kids relatively young with the wrong guys, neither of the guys I was in a proper stable relationship with. However, that’s by the by and was 20+ Years ago now so not relevant. However, I’ve never had a relationship lasting more then 2 years and, even then, it was only twice!

im educated, confident, attractive and extroverted. I work a professional job, am a naturally positive person (btw I’m not inferring any of those things make me a better person than anyone else - I simply mean I’m in a good place). Of course I have my flaws like everyone else but I wouldn’t say any of those are beyond what’s normal lol, I am also privileged to be emotionally stable and had a wonderful fulfilled and loved upbringing. I know how lucky and privileged I am in my life and I am very very grateful for that. I also know several women in exactly the same situation as me.

but I can’t keep a guy!!! I have no problem attracting them but they always leave, 99% of the time within the first 3 months or so and because of an ex (either them returning to them or not over them emotionally). I now won’t entertain the idea of even going on a date with a guy who has come out of a long term relationship within the last 18 months, but it still happens!

im fed up of the usual advice of ‘you have to love yourself first/ work on yourself’ as I am very content with myself. I don’t know any of my happily married friends who ‘worked hard on themselves’ or ‘worked to love themselves first’ before they bumped into the love of their lives 🤣

ive tried dating all types of different guys- I have a thing for extroverted confident guys so I thought I’d try dating men who are more introverted etc. it was equally as disastrous.

so my question is, do you believe it’s pure luck that you meet ‘the one’ ie just so happened to be in the right bar/workplace/party etc at the right time? And that it’s just pure luck that the guy was in the right place emotionally at that time etc to want the same things as you ? Ie there’s no real trick to these things?!

A combination.

You need luck to meet them
BUT after that it's kind of on you to sort the wheat from the chaff.
i found it hard in my early 30's to meet anyone who met the basics (eg. even tempered, funny, self sufficient)

in your 40s/50s there is a whole lot of chaff and not much wheat!!!

In modern life a lot of men seem to want a lot but don't offer much to women tbh...

Being that you've established a pattern in your dating, I'm sorry but you do need to look at yourself. I'm not saying you caused the demise, but you are obviously set in that pattern for a reason. I was in the same situation. I came from an abusive, neglectful home, and then two really abusive relationships soon after. I stayed single mostly until now, I'm early 40's. I knew I was trying to avoid abuse, and many times the guys I dated were not abusive. They never wanted to stay with me though. Many times they would propose marriage, but then cheat, leave, and get married to someone else immediately after. What are the chances of that happening several times? Even with very short dating relationships there were commonalities. I tried very hard to figure it out. I mostly focused on myself though, went to lots of therapy, etc. Recently I asked myself again what the issue was, and finally realized I was subconsciously choosing men that were unavailable in some way, or I would voice my unavailability, but secretly inside I really wanted them to choose me. To overcome the issues and make an effort to fix whatever was wrong. I would say I didn't want a real relationship, just something casual, but inside I really wanted them to try to win me over. In the end I always felt the same way and it would totally break me. Exactly the way I felt as a child. I was so confused because the guys that broke me I wasn't even happy with or really attracted to. We weren't compatible and I didn't want to be with them. Sometimes I really hated them. So why was I so desperate and broken after? I would turn into a totally different person after the relationship was broekn. I finally realized I was trying to fix the past with the present. I wanted to fix my inner child. After so many years of very good therapy you'd think I wouldn't do something so ridiculous and not even know I was doing it. I never talked about dating in my therapy though. I've done some research into all the details and finally feel confident in not making that mistake again, and when I do get into a relationship I know how to overcome my issues. I felt so free! I started OLD immediately and put "looking for a long term relationship" for the first time ever!

Obviously your issues are not the same, it was just a personal example. Your situation sounds so much like mine I couldn't not share. Start meditating on that pattern you see, what you contributed or didn't, what you really want, etc. And if you have the resources, go over that info with a therapist. For me it was NOT easy to figure out! Most people will not do the work to figure their ish. out. That's why the divorce rates are so high and it seems like most marriages are really unhappy. There really could be an issue deep down that's sabotaging you. In my case it was trying to fix the past, but it could be anything really. Childhood stuff is probably 90% of issues like this however.

Of course it is pure luck.

I was never invested in finding love or marriage or kids as I was not bothered. I remember when we were young gals some of my friends being obsessed in finding ‘the one’. I considered relationships restrictive, which they are because you have to consider another persons feelings , make joint financial decisions together etc etc the list is long and bothersome.

But good grief aged 29 some slightly dishevelled man walked in to the library I was running on campus to register for his card as a new researcher who was still writing up his PhD. He had a love at first sight struck by lightning moment apparently. I do remember that first meeting but it was because he didn’t appear to be concentrating as I explained the rules. I remember asking for the name of his Professor because I thought this one will flout the rules. What followed was him being too shy to say anything and us becoming really good friends over 2 years. It did all come together, this was almost 30 years ago.

I was not looking and those gals that I have known from school and from University have had a real mixture of success with men. I have had the longest and happiest marriage by far. I do feel extremely lucky. He is still slightly dishevelled.

@Tootytoot78 Happy Wedding Anniversary.

It's easy to meet a man. Just not easy to meet one you want to stick with. But its not impossible. Some of these replies are wild: all men want younger women, won't want a woman with children etc. In the real world all sorts of relationships are going on around us.

If you only listen to negative naysayers you'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are thread comments where women have met lifepartner in 40s/50s/60s; but your detailed responses seem to be to negatives so maybe thats what draws you. Its of no use tho. The ones who convince you all men are shit, mostly arent single and don't want or choose to be. There's a message in there somewhere

I agree the older you get the harder it gets, for all the reasons already stated. But also I think the fact that when you meet a partner at an older age, there is less to keep you together. No shared history, not having DC together, not building a home together etc etc. The glue that keeps long marriages going I feel. Yes you can potentially still have a good relationship but it’s not the same as building a life together. And what seems to commonly happen is the first issue that comes along, the couple split. They don’t work through it because it’s easy to end a couple of years relationship, with no ties. It’s not the same as ending a 20 year marriage.

I’ve thought about this a lot as I realised that I don’t want a relationship now. I wanted the long marriage. But as I can’t go back in time, that’s not going to happen. At my age, mid 50s, I no longer want to start again. I have a good job, a nice home. I don’t need the uncertainty of a relationship messing with my mental health.

But to tie in with your original point, I do feel it was purely down to bad luck that I didn’t have that. On paper there was no reason why I couldn’t. It just didn’t happen for me.

This is an great point @EmpressSoleil - the history that keeps people together isn't there. It doesn't mean all relationships are domed, of course, but it does mean that it's harder. But ironically a relationship only garners history, if you overcome hurdles at the beginning and some men are unfortunately unable to withstand conflict/difficulties early on so bolt. It's why I would always steer clear of someone with a history of short term relationships.

@wildeflowers thank you for your response, it’s very interesting! I had therapy about 5 years ago after a bad break up which left me heartbroken. I also had an amaaazing session with a very good therapist last year called Kelly Armatage (she’s on socials and id sooooo recommend her!)

. I’ve done a lot of thinking over the years and there is a theory that girls tend to end up with a man with similar personality characteristics to their father; my own father is an incredible man, the nicest man I know, utterly dedicated to my mum, us kids, and the grandkids. He never says no to anything to help us with, has always been very present both emotionally and physically, I sometimes wonder if I’m looking for this unicorn that has a character like my own unique father? And that nothing less than that will do? But on the other hand I know plenty of men with the same character as my dad (although like we said earlier, they are probably the already taken ones! 🤣)

I hear all this and I’m sorry you didn’t get the relationship you wanted. But to offer a different point of view, I actually think a lot of those things you mention are positives. The fact I didn’t meet someone when young to build a life with means I’ve built the life I want on my own and it’s pretty much exactly how I want it to be. I feel that if I’d stayed in any of the relationships I’d had in my 20s (many of which I didn’t have a choice about ending as I was dumped) they’d have held me back from creating the life I wanted, as I’d have had to consider their needs and life plans as well as my own. And I didn’t know myself well enough to be dating the right people - I’m very glad I’m not still with any of them!

what that means for me is that a relationship is an added bonus to my already good life. I don’t believe you can guarantee any relationship will last forever so if I no longer want to be in it I want to be able to extricate myself easily and quickly. We’re together because we choose to be, not because we need to be, and I think that’s a far better reason than having been married 20 years, bored of each other but too complicated to unpick.

For some, though, it's not easy to meet a man, as per your first sentence

So there isn't the luxury of making further choices

And yes OP, every relationship is purely down to luck. For most of the soulmates out there, had one if them met someone else beforehand, they wouldn't be

Luck has a part, but you have to make your own "luck".

If you keep looking for a bloke in the same way, same places, etc., then don't be surprised that you end up in the same situation.

Remember, insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

You need to look in different ways, different places, etc. That may well put you outside your comfort zone to find a different kind of bloke who's in HIS comfort zone, typically not on dating sites, not at parties, not in bars, etc. Maybe someone who isn't actually looking for a woman, hence not on dating sites or out on the prowl, but would be "open" to a relationship if the right woman for him appeared on his radar!

Luck definitely plays a part but it’s not everything. I also think some people are not the best at assessing who will be a good life long partner and who is better for short term. I know people who’ll go with wild party boys and then be confused when they’re not good at the domestic child stuff as they’re out when she’s stuck at home alone. They never were good at domestic stuff when you were a couple so why would they suddenly step up when a child was brought into the mix.

I totally understand why you feel like that (and would feel the same), but isn’t this your whole problem right here?

Any man in his 40s who is looking for a serious long term relationship is highly likely to either have children already, or to want children. By excluding these men, you are excluding “the decent ones” and only dating men who almost by definition haven’t managed to settle down despite being 40-50. And then you are surprised when they don’t settle down with you either.

This will hopefully fix itself as the men get older - you are more likely to find men with adult children in their late 50s than mid 40s. Or you could just date slightly older men now.

That's the paradox though, isn't it?

You want a kind, dependable, responsible man for the long term (but boring)

But you want the "risky" wild one for the shorter term lust etc for the excitement.

Most men can't be both things, so the woman has to make a choice as to their own preferences, but the woman also needs to be realistic in that the short term "exciting" boyfriend will hardly ever turn into the kind, dependable, responsible man.

Grown adults surely have agency over who they choose to be with?
it’s completely down to you to have expectations and standards and to decide if someone is good enough.

I can’t get over thinking it’s to do with luck
it’s in your power and it’s your responsibility to choose the right person

It’s pure luck whether you meet someone who meets your standards though.

As others have touched on, it's partly statistics;

The average age for first time fatherhood in the UK is 33/34.
You don't want to date men with primary aged kids but a significant portion of men your age will have primary or not much past it, aged kids. In my antenatal group there was one late twenties couple, the rest were mid 30s.

That's against the background of minimal people being single and available past their early/mid 30s.

You say they are often emotionally unavailable/not over their ex; that could be partly because men tend to jump into the dating scene and try to fill the gap/not be lonely etc before they've fully processed and recovered from their relationship/marriage breakdown. Some women do but men seem to really do it

The other possibility is that it is, in some cases anyway, a "withdraw gently, it's not you, it's me" excuse ..... That could be for any number of reasons. One of the main ones being that after a long ish relationship or marriage, they want to play the field. And by three or so months they've probably had what they wanted out of the situation; sex with a new woman, fun, companionship, novelty ...and they're more or less ready to move on and find the next. They don't want to meet the expectation of commitment that's increasingly looming. They are not being honest about that, because they wouldn't get many women at all if they were.

The other thing is that - due to your job etc - you are very aware, very confident etc. And yes some men don't want that sort of woman. You wouldnt be easy to manipulate or place lower on the hierarchy. For rather sick reasons, they may not want a woman who's that confident and switched on.

Or she could meet one around her own age who had kids young, like her.

I certainly know a few of them.

Not to be snobby but they are usually not professionals.

Because professionals were likely studying and trying to career build before they had kids.

(You get a few professionals who had kids quite young but they tend to be very conservative/conventional types, often religious - and they don't split once married).

Not really, you have to put yourself into a position where you're more likely to meet that person. You're not going to randomly find one in the frozen aisle at Tesco nor the pub/club if you've met a stream of previously unsuitable blokes from that same kind of pub/club!

Yes I think it's down to luck . You can't make it happen and no amount of money or good looks can make it happen. You love who you love . I remember it came as a shock and a huge surprise , a nice one though ! It also came when I least expected it in a place I least expected it x

You see I think scratch the surface

1. my parents married 55 years. He’s an abusive arsehole and she’s an enabler and also not nice
2. Helen and Mark both doctors very nice house locally. 3 children all three are at medical school. But he’s had affairs all through their marriage - she’s put up and shut up as every big family occasion he is there - Xmas, new year, anniversary, etc huge family socials and he’s there for those. Two daughters are both anorexic as he is constantly telling them they are fat and last daughter is a shell with MH problems
3. Mitch and Harriet together but not - he works overseas and again does all the big family thing but he works abroad 6 months a year, she is very very lovely

even yours happily married friends - one couple 30 years, he worked from home and own company etc and devoted. She got cancer and the next day he was gone - been having an affair for 25 years and didn’t want to deal with the cancer

one friend 10 years with him and they are happy but she confides her husband who died 15 years is the love of her life and she had young children and didn’t want the financial burden of doing children alone she loves him but very much a Jane Austen arrangement

it’s a numbers game, don’t be less confident, I’m divorced twice and I cut dating very short if they don’t measure up

but I’m waiting when kids have gone to university I will find someone and I know what I want