Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think that finding love is really pot luck?

95 replies

Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 12:13

Mid 40’s, two adult kids, own home, professional career.. I’m not looking for love in order to build the traditional life of buying a home, having kids etc (as I have all that already and did it all myself) but I really would like to find love for reasons of companionship, intimacy, emotional support etc

i had my kids relatively young with the wrong guys, neither of the guys I was in a proper stable relationship with. However, that’s by the by and was 20+ Years ago now so not relevant. However, I’ve never had a relationship lasting more then 2 years and, even then, it was only twice!

im educated, confident, attractive and extroverted. I work a professional job, am a naturally positive person (btw I’m not inferring any of those things make me a better person than anyone else - I simply mean I’m in a good place). Of course I have my flaws like everyone else but I wouldn’t say any of those are beyond what’s normal lol, I am also privileged to be emotionally stable and had a wonderful fulfilled and loved upbringing. I know how lucky and privileged I am in my life and I am very very grateful for that. I also know several women in exactly the same situation as me.

but I can’t keep a guy!!! I have no problem attracting them but they always leave, 99% of the time within the first 3 months or so and because of an ex (either them returning to them or not over them emotionally). I now won’t entertain the idea of even going on a date with a guy who has come out of a long term relationship within the last 18 months, but it still happens!

im fed up of the usual advice of ‘you have to love yourself first/ work on yourself’ as I am very content with myself. I don’t know any of my happily married friends who ‘worked hard on themselves’ or ‘worked to love themselves first’ before they bumped into the love of their lives 🤣

ive tried dating all types of different guys- I have a thing for extroverted confident guys so I thought I’d try dating men who are more introverted etc. it was equally as disastrous.

so my question is, do you believe it’s pure luck that you meet ‘the one’ ie just so happened to be in the right bar/workplace/party etc at the right time? And that it’s just pure luck that the guy was in the right place emotionally at that time etc to want the same things as you ? Ie there’s no real trick to these things?!

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 23/12/2023 18:22

SamW98 · 23/12/2023 17:55

As an older woman I’ve found a lot of men are look for 10/20 years younger. I’m mid 50’s, look and act younger - I still go to raves and dance music festivals - and yet I was getting messaged from men in their late 60’s and even 70’s. Men my own age seem to be chasing 30 somethings - poor deluded old fools

Show quote history

Do these 50something men not eventually realise they’re not going to attract a 30something woman and start dating women closer to their age?

I’m mid-30s and set my age limit on Hinge to 39, and even then I’m finding some of the late 30s men are starting to look quite old. I don’t know any woman my age who would date a man in his 50s.

Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 18:22

@Ceci03 possibly but more likely if they don’t already have kids of their own and want them (at a guess!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 18:26

@Nasahoodie ha yes! Absolutely not in a million years will I ever do the domestic role!
plus I hate domestic chores so I wouldn’t be good at it, neither would I be happy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 18:28

@SamW98 yes this is part of the issue,. On OLD the overwhelming majority of men my age look sooooo much older (they probably think the same of me tbf 🤣)

OP posts:
Flobb · 23/12/2023 18:30

OP, I was you at your age, then (re)met the love of my life aged 56. Keep positive!

Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 18:32

@Flobb thanks! I’ve been positive for the last 15 years so I guess another 10 won’t hurt! 🤣❤️

OP posts:
Merryandbright1170 · 23/12/2023 18:54

TitInATrance · 23/12/2023 13:16

I’m happy with my current situationship but wouldn’t describe it as a LTR. Secure and independent in my own life.

I’ve been told by various partners that I’m too independent, or that they wouldn’t have dated me if they realised I was so clever. I think I struggle to ask enough of them to make them feel secure.

Haha i currently have a thread about men being intimidated by women's intelligence

Fs365 · 23/12/2023 18:59

Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 18:22

@Ceci03 possibly but more likely if they don’t already have kids of their own and want them (at a guess!)

I think this is some truth in this, some men might put off starting families because they can and obviously look for a younger partner

TedMullins · 23/12/2023 19:08

I think it absolutely is luck. I happened to meet my current partner on a dating app after almost a decade of having no luck from apps whatsoever. I had a lot of dates and a few short flings with people who, like your experience, were emotionally unavailable/not over an ex/otherwise unsuitable and dumped me. I’m at the 2 year mark now and it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had (I’m 34). It really is pure chance that the algorithm showed him to me and that we happened to align on all the important elements to make a good relationship.

I don’t agree it’s easier when younger, either. Easier to meet people - yes, probably, because you’re all thrown together at college or uni and go out a lot more. But easier to have a decent long lasting relationship? I don’t think so. I was way too emotionally immature in my 20s and so were the people I was dating. I’m glad I’m not still with any of them, they were all totally wrong for me! Some people may be in a relationship for life with the person they met in their teens or 20s but is it the right relationship or the right person? Or is it just a case of familiarity and “it’ll do”?

WaltzingMatilder · 23/12/2023 19:33

I just think there are a lot of flaky men around, which is why they are single, many have no intention of settling down, and just want to play around.
Both of my long term important and meaningful relationships happened effortlessly at work. Maybe that was down to luck but l think online dating is the pits and l would rather stay as l am than have to go down that road again.
I'm not bothered really if l meet someone or not, sometimes it just creates another set of issues. I stay open to the idea but l don't go looking.
I wouldn't blame yourself, a lot of men are just not capable of a loving meaningful relationship. They have a different kind of agenda to you.

occhiazzurri · 23/12/2023 21:01

It is just the age you are dating at- most single men you encounter are likely out of long term relationships/marriages and are just enjoying their single life or have had a mid-life crisis or are traumatised after their divorce or are after casual dating or are simply incapable of commitment. They are just looking to relive their youth and have fun after having had family responsibilities for a long time and are not looking for a relationship.

Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 23/12/2023 21:21

@occhiazzurri but I’ve been trying to date for 15 years (so like from 30 upwards) 😭😭

OP posts:
Tootytoot78 · 23/12/2023 21:22

Definitely luck, my DH went to the same pubs/ clubs, sporting events as I did but we just never met.
Until one night a mutual friend introduced us.
We have been married 45 years today!

1dayatatime · 23/12/2023 22:05

Littlenutroast · 23/12/2023 12:26

It is much easier when you are young. I had a long relationship in my late teens/early 20s and I think life would have been easier if we had stayed together. With each decade that passes there is more baggage all round plus you get jaded.

I completely agree and to be clear it is additional baggage with him and with yourself.

Also I think as you get older and clock up more exes you start to develop an unrealistic and unattainable checklist- for example I want the humour & laughs of ex number 4 with the looks of ex number 12 with the romance and spontaneity of ex number 24 etc etc. It's never going to happen.

Livinghappy · 23/12/2023 22:28

Do these 50something men not eventually realise they’re not going to attract a 30something woman and start dating women closer to their age?

No, because 30something women do date much older men. I don't get it but it happens.

Isthisblocked · 23/12/2023 22:41

I think it is pot luck. Married for 40 years. Widowed six. We married considering ourselves in love. From the perspective of hindsight, we agreed that neither of us really knew the other one, the one we imagined ourselves in love with. Over the years we each came to know the real person we had married, and luckily (although this turned out to be someone rather different to the imagined person) the real person was actually someone we liked even better. We often said we had won the lottery finding each other, but it was potluck.

StarDolphins · 23/12/2023 22:50

I do think it’s down to luck. Also, how submissive you are. I mean, anyone can get in any relationship really but honestly, most of them are awful & Ime, there’s either a submissive woman or man that put up with crap. In my circle & wider circle, I can only see a couple of ‘good’ equal relationships. The rest just seem to unhappily accept their lot.

I am single for 2 years with a DD & although not at all arrogant, I know my worth & (imo🤣) I’m a mostly great catch.

if I ever met anyone, it would be sheer chance as I do nothing at all to put myself out there! Even then, It would need to be someone with the qualities I’m looking for.

Nasahoodie · 23/12/2023 22:55

Isthisblocked · 23/12/2023 22:41

I think it is pot luck. Married for 40 years. Widowed six. We married considering ourselves in love. From the perspective of hindsight, we agreed that neither of us really knew the other one, the one we imagined ourselves in love with. Over the years we each came to know the real person we had married, and luckily (although this turned out to be someone rather different to the imagined person) the real person was actually someone we liked even better. We often said we had won the lottery finding each other, but it was potluck.

I think you have perfectly described most relationships. So many people go into a relationship with an ideal of who they think the person is rather than seeing them for how they really are.

I know for a fact my ex and I did this in our marriage. We both accused each other of changing after kids. We didn't change but our perceptions of each other did.

CostedStrikeRate · 24/12/2023 05:21

Do most men actually want women who are secure in themselves?

Starryskies1 · 24/12/2023 06:26

I’ve not been single that long. But I would say a lot of men seem to want sex and not a long term relationship. I think the first thing to consider would be your morals/values and see if you can find someone with similar. A lot of people settle out of loneliness. Or stay in unhappy relationships out of fear.

Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 24/12/2023 08:29

@CostedStrikeRate probably not! I think a lot of men haven’t moved into the 21st century yet and still want this ‘submissive’ woman nonsense!

OP posts:
Sintel · 24/12/2023 08:32

I think lots of men would have been put off by 2 kids by 2 different fathers when you were younger. Now you're in a weird age bracket where most available professional men will be either divorced with primary age or younger kids or even looking to start a family. You're just a bit out of sync which is going to drastically reduce the pool. Give it another 10 years and everyone will have caught up to where you are now. We had a family friend who would only date widowers on principle and she did end up with a lovely bloke. But you're a bit young for those yet!

HeadNorth · 24/12/2023 08:40

I think there has to be an element of luck. I met my wonderful husband when I was fairly young and definately not in a good place - I was a wreck. But we were obviously right for each other and have matured together over the past 30+ years. So that is one wonderful man who will never be available and the same with my friends lovely husbands. There is bound to be a smaller pool of really good men in their 50s as they will presumably still be in long happy marriages.

Also, as noted up thread, quite a lot of 50+ men have really let themselves go. Again, it is just luck for me that the fab man I fell for in his early 20s enjoys healthy eating and exercise and still looks hot. The men of my age that still look good tend to be in long term relationships.

You sound wonderful OP, but you are fishing in a small pool, I am afraid. There is nothing wrong with you, it is luck and timing leaving you with limited choices but you are right not to compromise.

Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 24/12/2023 08:42

@Sintel you’re totally right about being out of sync right now! The pool of 40 something year old men with adult or nearly adult children is quite small and they more likely have younger kids (or none, and want them)

agree with the 2 father thing to a certain extent… but there are a huge number of men/women who have found successful relationships when the other person already has kids, so don’t think that was the overall overwhelming factor in most cases. Also, I think every guy I dated in my early 30’s had their own kids too. However I can understand their position as im the same now eg I don’t want to take on young ‘step kids’. For me, it’s always been about them not being able to let go emotionally of their previous relationship; there’s defo a theme there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennyjojo5 · 24/12/2023 08:43

@HeadNorth yes you make a lot of sense! Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread