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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lovely night out ruined. DH so different since I improved myself.

121 replies

cornishlassy · 23/12/2023 09:17

DH was pretty indifferent to me a while back. For a long time (years), sex was infrequent (like once every 2 months, if I asked him for it).

Fast forward to now, for myself, I lost a bit of weight and had a face lift. There is no doubt, I look a lot better. He is now all over me, which is lovely (albeit, it feels a bit shallow!)

5 nights ago, we had a Christmas night out at a Hotel, and it's all gone downhill from there. He says I was flirting with a guy. I absolutely was not. There was a large group of people (mostly women actually), and I spent the same amount of time chatting to them all. I don't fancy this man in any way. Even if I was single, I wouldn't be interested. And in no way, was he flirty with me either.

He is furious with me, but I haven't done anything wrong! It's like after all these years, he is suddenly seeing me as a sexual woman, who other men could fancy, whereas he didn't see me like that before. And now, I'm being punished in some way.

We are meant to be going out tonight for another Christmas do, and I feel like I should just sit in a fucking corner or something, which obviously I won't, but I feel like he is watching me. It's so bizarre. He literally could not have given two fucks a few months ago. In fact, I actually felt totally invisible to him.

I don't know how to handle this? Any wise words?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 13:29

Showmethesunny · 23/12/2023 13:21

Have you actually read OP’s post? She said she has no desire to do so. I think there are definitely some issues that need canvassing in the relationship but why are there so many recreational relationship-wreckers on MN? Sometimes, yeah, it’s justified. But not when OP has categorically said that’s not what she wants

yes I have. But there are many women who post on here about controlling partners, who believe they don’t want to leave, and I would say the same to all of them. Sometimes it takes and outside perspective to understand that the partners’ behaviour within the relationship is not normal and not ok.

Yes I agree. But this is step one for OP. She hasn’t even addressed the behaviour with him yet. Those responses are for another post- the one where she says she’s explained her position and how his behaviour comes across, but it’s persisted. Believe it or not, some people do rebuild from relationship detours. Some don’t , and not for lack of trying. But if she wants to take step one first why not support her in it?

Showmethesunny · 23/12/2023 13:31

He’s shown who he is over the last few years. She should listen to that

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 13:44

arethereanyleftatall · 23/12/2023 13:29

I can answer your last question @Calliopespa
You're right in your last sentence, but the difference is, you've written it as a negative (I think), whereas for me it's a wonderful positive. I adore women, I think we're all absolutely and utterly marvellous and give so so much; and I want to shout from the rooftops that you don't need a man. My thoughts are from my own experience, such a low bar in my twenties and thirties, and then the scales came off, got divorced and am so much happier. At the risk of sounding twee, I'd love it if more women discovered that the grass is greener. I'm hoping that if we stop putting up with such shit, men will up the game for our daughters and their daughters.

Yes and I’m genuinely not against that mindset at all. But what is hard to see is those among our daughters who do want a relationship and are made to feel that it’s somehow weak and unevolved and pathetic/ handmaidenish to work at a relationship, because let’s face it, they require it. Like you, I think women are fabulous creatures and I want our daughters ( and women out there) to have every choice available without ANYTHING being stigmatised for them. I think we are sitting on different branches of the same tree actually…

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 13:52

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 13:44

Yes and I’m genuinely not against that mindset at all. But what is hard to see is those among our daughters who do want a relationship and are made to feel that it’s somehow weak and unevolved and pathetic/ handmaidenish to work at a relationship, because let’s face it, they require it. Like you, I think women are fabulous creatures and I want our daughters ( and women out there) to have every choice available without ANYTHING being stigmatised for them. I think we are sitting on different branches of the same tree actually…

Show quote history

I’m mean some relationships CANT be worked at. They are just wrong and the woman needs to get out asap. But all relationships will have their tricky spots but may in the longer term bring satisfaction. I think women need to have the option to judge not be “shamed” as weak for wanting to consider it.

DixonD · 23/12/2023 13:52

pointythings · 23/12/2023 10:19

A handmaiden is someone who will make excuses for a man no matter how bad his behaviour is, just because he is a man.

@SuspiciousSue , you are defending a man who has shown zero interest in his wife until she 'improved' herself and now can't handle the confident woman she has become. He's pathetic. the problem is all his.

Going out and socialising does not meant you have to spend all your time with your OH - you might as well stay home if that's what it's about.

No, it’s an insult along the same lines as the even worse “cool wife” put down. How dare someone have a different opinion.

TheCatterall · 23/12/2023 13:53

In the words of Marie Kondo - does he bring joy to your life? If not… declutter him from it.

he was a crappy inattentive husband before you glowed up. He’s a crappy husband after. Do you want to stay with this man that seems to not see you as an equal and human with your own wants, needs and feelings?

Autumnleavefall · 23/12/2023 13:58

It's like after all these years, he is suddenly seeing me as a sexual woman, who other men could fancy, whereas he didn't see me like that before. And now, I'm being punished in some way.

This is spot on.

Balloonhearts · 23/12/2023 14:00

I'd say please sign these divorce papers, I've realised I can do better. The Ick is strong for this one.

TempyBrennan · 23/12/2023 14:39

Whataretheodds · 23/12/2023 09:26

Did you post about him a couple of weeks ago. The weight loss/face-lift and husband behaving like a possessive arse sounds familiar.

Definitely a repeat thread with a different issue this time!

Fingeronthebutton · 23/12/2023 14:40

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:07

What I find really depressing about this thread is that the same person can be elevated ( from being ignored to warranting jealous guarding) in a man’s eyes because of weight loss and a face lift. I mean I know that’s not big news, and not isolated to this guy by any means, but seriously girls: are we this shallow? I honestly feel as though I’m not. I think OP I’d feel so indignant about that … I mean does this not offend your fatter, saggier-faced self?

Obviously not because now she feels and looks beautiful, and good for her.
You might be happy with that look but the OP wasn’t so she did something about it to make HER happy.

Whataretheodds · 23/12/2023 14:41

TempyBrennan · 23/12/2023 14:39

Definitely a repeat thread with a different issue this time!

Show quote history

It's depressing when posters come back again and again for help with the same shitty behaviour but don't listen to the advice.

Fingeronthebutton · 23/12/2023 14:42

He’s realised he’s punching above his weight and is shitting himself.

semideponent · 23/12/2023 14:54

Turn the tables. That he's all over you, jealous and controlling now makes me wonder what was going one with him in the years before your facelift and weight loss.

Mikimoto · 23/12/2023 15:17

This is of course all the opinion of OP on her drunken night out.
She could be like the David Walliams woman: "She thinks men want to fuck her...but they don't!"

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 15:22

Fingeronthebutton · 23/12/2023 14:40

Obviously not because now she feels and looks beautiful, and good for her.
You might be happy with that look but the OP wasn’t so she did something about it to make HER happy.

Show quote history

And good for her too. But she is still the same person so surely she feels retrospectively offended. And fwiw, Finger, I haven’t got that look🤩🥳But I still don’t think it’s right people are treated so radically differently just for an appearance overhaul by someone who is supposed to love them.

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 15:23

😂I’m sure she’s not wrong but it’s still a funny thought

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 15:51

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 15:23

😂I’m sure she’s not wrong but it’s still a funny thought

Oh that was to mikimoto and the David Williams reference

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 15:56

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 15:51

Oh that was to mikimoto and the David Williams reference

Show quote history

Walliams! Grr typing lying down

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/12/2023 16:55

Repeat what you've written, that sums it up pretty well

Ladolcevita233 · 23/12/2023 17:50

But what is hard to see is those among our daughters who do want a relationship and are made to feel that it’s somehow weak and unevolved and pathetic/ handmaidenish to work at a relationship, because let’s face it, they require it

They should only be working at it if their own behaviour is problematic.

Not of it's only their partner's behaviour that is.

This lady's behaviour is not problematic.

Ladolcevita233 · 23/12/2023 17:58

but why are there so many recreational relationship-wreckers on MN?

I don't think there are many at all

I do think there are a lot of women who've been through things, recognise the behaviour and know it never really stopped and was indicative of significant personality/values issues. They therefore don't want the op to have the issues obscured and take responsibility themselves, and stay in abusive relationships (which this is becoming/or always was but just not in this way before).

Handmaidens always think women want to wreck other women's relationships. "She's jealous & butter" that's the go-to. It reflects their own characters and priorities, and way of thinking. They can't understand women who don't put relationships and men, no matter how the men act, above everything in life; including women's peace of mind and happiness and fair treatment.

I've been with a "you spent too long speaking to ABC, it was disrespectful to me, you shouldn't go out alone when you're in a relationship, it's unfair to me, we didn't have enough sex on that trip etc etc" guy ..... And it didn't not stop. Because it is a reflection of his values and character.
It was just a year of mental.torture and defending myself when I wasn't doing anything wrong. At the start I made the mistake of trying to reassure him, tell him I loved him, I was in love with him, I wasn't looking elsewhere, I wasn't doing anything wrong; that sure gets old after ten times.
And it doesn't work.

Many a conversation was had about his issues and his insecurities etc. Again - it didnt work.
It is a values issue

You either have a controlling relationship with them, or you don't have a relationship with them. They'll gone it a break and be in their best behaviour for a while - what they think they're ok the verge of being dumped - but they always revert to type.

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