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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lovely night out ruined. DH so different since I improved myself.

121 replies

cornishlassy · 23/12/2023 09:17

DH was pretty indifferent to me a while back. For a long time (years), sex was infrequent (like once every 2 months, if I asked him for it).

Fast forward to now, for myself, I lost a bit of weight and had a face lift. There is no doubt, I look a lot better. He is now all over me, which is lovely (albeit, it feels a bit shallow!)

5 nights ago, we had a Christmas night out at a Hotel, and it's all gone downhill from there. He says I was flirting with a guy. I absolutely was not. There was a large group of people (mostly women actually), and I spent the same amount of time chatting to them all. I don't fancy this man in any way. Even if I was single, I wouldn't be interested. And in no way, was he flirty with me either.

He is furious with me, but I haven't done anything wrong! It's like after all these years, he is suddenly seeing me as a sexual woman, who other men could fancy, whereas he didn't see me like that before. And now, I'm being punished in some way.

We are meant to be going out tonight for another Christmas do, and I feel like I should just sit in a fucking corner or something, which obviously I won't, but I feel like he is watching me. It's so bizarre. He literally could not have given two fucks a few months ago. In fact, I actually felt totally invisible to him.

I don't know how to handle this? Any wise words?

OP posts:

MahShinyShoes · 23/12/2023 10:09

You don't go to a Christmas party and only talk to your partner! You mingle!a and then come home and gossip about everyone

Mrsttcno1 · 23/12/2023 10:10

If I was you I’d be telling him he’s lucky to have a you and to get a grip of himself! Honestly, I think you’re probably right in that he’s probably all of a sudden that you are a woman and are attractive! In my opinion, once a man realises that they either go one of two ways:

They do what your DH is doing, petty jealousy, almost blaming you for men daring to look at or speak to you (even if they weren’t in a flirty way), because they want to put you back into a box.
They take the opinion that it’s not a bad thing at all if other men do look at or want you (obviously as long as no lines crossed and you never act on it), my DH always says he takes it as a bit of a compliment when he see’s a man look at me or speak to me because they can look but he’s the one who has me! And there’s certainly an ego boost for him in knowing he has something that other people wants. He also trusts me 100%, as I do him, and he knows there’s not a single thing a man could say or do to me that would turn my head.

It boils down to trust and petty jealousy at the end of the day. If he truly believes you were flirting with another man, for me, I wouldn’t even entertain that conversation.

SuspiciousSue · 23/12/2023 10:11

pointythings · 23/12/2023 10:04

Here come the handmaidens!

Show quote history

What does that mean?

Mumoftwo1312 · 23/12/2023 10:12

SuspiciousSue · 23/12/2023 10:03

You don’t sound like you’re that interested in him either tbh. You went on a night out with him and spent ages talking to other people, I think anyone would be miffed at that. Obviously that doesn’t excuse any of his other bad behaviour but maybe this relationship has just run its course.

But what's the point of going out and only speaking to your husband? Might as well stay at home, surely. The point of going out is seeing other people and interacting with them.

Op has done nothing wrong. I haven't read her other thread though

Youregoingthewrongway · 23/12/2023 10:12

He’s behaving like a bit of a twat, but you hit the nail on the head when you said he’s now aware of you as someone that other men will fancy.
For him this is a new revelation 🙄 and he’s feeling all the emotions of a new and slightly insecure relationship. Once he realises that the ‘new’ you is just as faithful as ever, he’ll hopefully chill out. Just give it a bit of time but do not, under any circumstances, change your behaviour or pander to his insecurities while he catches up.

GabriellaMontez · 23/12/2023 10:12

How is he furious? How is he punishing you?

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2023 10:14

cornishlassy · 23/12/2023 09:52

I don’t know! I have no idea where we go from here. I feel like the worst person ever, but I know I’ve not done anything wrong! What do I do now?

Why are you more worried about your behaviour than his?

He's the one that can't cope with the new 'you'

He wasn't interested before and now he is. Doesn't that tell you something?

Your self-esteem must be on the floor if you think he is the best you can do.

ChaToilLeam · 23/12/2023 10:15

He’s an insecure shallow arsehole, that’s the trouble. Ignoring you for so long, and now you are in his eyes a sexy woman once more, he doesn’t see you as a gorgeous woman he is lucky to have but a possession to be kept away from other men.

Up to you what you do but I would not put up with his bullshit, it’s absolutely insulting.

pointythings · 23/12/2023 10:19

A handmaiden is someone who will make excuses for a man no matter how bad his behaviour is, just because he is a man.

@SuspiciousSue , you are defending a man who has shown zero interest in his wife until she 'improved' herself and now can't handle the confident woman she has become. He's pathetic. the problem is all his.

Going out and socialising does not meant you have to spend all your time with your OH - you might as well stay home if that's what it's about.

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 10:22

What on earth do you love about him?

He ignored you when he thought you couldn't do better (he thought no other man could possibly be attracted to you, whether that's true or not in reality).

He only became 'interested' in you when you became attractive to other men (in his mind).

He is controlling and abusive now that he perceives you to be attractive to other men.

I don't get the appeal of him.

Suspect you could do better and be happier without him.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 23/12/2023 10:22

cornishlassy · 23/12/2023 09:53

He popped out but will be home soon. Any idea what I could say here?

Straight talking. Tell him you are disgusted he would think you’d cheat on him, it’s making you rethink his past behaviour towards you before the changes to your appearance, the package may have changed but the contents are the same. He’s acting like a kid with the newest version of PlayStation.
Unlike him you are quite capable of carrying on a conversation with the opposite sex without flirting.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 10:26

I would just say "every time you behave like that, all I want to do is to leave you and go far away and never see you again. That isn't what I want in a husband. I hate men who are like that and are you going to do this again because I'll give you a fair warning if you do, I'm off."

Actually, though I would be so insulted by his behaviour anyway, the way he ignored you before and is all over you now, but I don't think I would stay in the relationship.

beastlyslumber · 23/12/2023 10:28

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 10:22

What on earth do you love about him?

He ignored you when he thought you couldn't do better (he thought no other man could possibly be attracted to you, whether that's true or not in reality).

He only became 'interested' in you when you became attractive to other men (in his mind).

He is controlling and abusive now that he perceives you to be attractive to other men.

I don't get the appeal of him.

Suspect you could do better and be happier without him.

This.

Why don't you deserve a man who loves you and fancies you and doesn't make you feel like you need surgery in order for him to want you?

Why don't you deserve a man who is proud of you and admiring, who enjoys watching you charm and delight others with your company?

Why are you settling for someone who clearly does not like you very much?

AgentJohnson · 23/12/2023 10:29

This man clearly doesn’t value you. Even before your transformation he was a dick, hmmm gues what the common dominator is? You were not the problem.

What you are asking for ‘magic words to convince an arsehole not to be an arsehole’, don’t exist.

I think you need to face the fact that he clearly doesn’t love you in the way you want or deserve. The balls in your court because he won’t change.

GreenLight23 · 23/12/2023 10:30

A face lift is drastic op. Why did you do it can I ask? How did he feel about you having it done?

category12 · 23/12/2023 10:33

What you are asking for ‘magic words to convince an arsehole not to be an arsehole’, don’t exist.

This.

RaininSummer · 23/12/2023 10:35

It seems pretty common for men to lose the plot when the woman either looks more attractive or is more confident than before. He obviously wasn't concerned anybody else would be interested but now worries they may be. He needs to get a grip and understand you are with him because you want to be and if you didn't want to be you would already have split up.

Jk8 · 23/12/2023 10:36

Is it possible hes more aware of how you feel/felt about yourself with the diet/face lift & this is shifting into worry you will want somebody else/want to leave him rather then being more attracted to you (presumably he saw the scars/heeling/diet restrictions not too long ago) & this is triggering both of you ?

5128gap · 23/12/2023 10:37

You need to ignore him OP. Practise pushing him and his whims to the periphery rather than front and centre all the time. For years his views and behaviour have set the tone for how you see yourself. Its time to say no more! You are your own person, you dont just exist through the filter if his approval.
Go on your night out, enjoy yourself as you please. You KNOW your behaviour isn't inappropriate so refuse to engage with him when he tries to tell you otherwise. A short sharp 'no I wasnt' or 'don't be ridiculous' in response to his accusations will suffice. Because, other than huff and complain, what's he going to do about it? You've already gone through years of neglect and sidelining by him, so he's shot his shot already. Ridiculous man.

MsRosley · 23/12/2023 10:37

Calliopespa · 23/12/2023 10:07

What I find really depressing about this thread is that the same person can be elevated ( from being ignored to warranting jealous guarding) in a man’s eyes because of weight loss and a face lift. I mean I know that’s not big news, and not isolated to this guy by any means, but seriously girls: are we this shallow? I honestly feel as though I’m not. I think OP I’d feel so indignant about that … I mean does this not offend your fatter, saggier-faced self?

Exactly what I think. How excruciatingly awful to have to proved that your partner is that superficial.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 23/12/2023 10:39

And you should ask MNHQ to edit the title to say "Lovely Night out ruined by DH@. He's the only one that's at fault here.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 23/12/2023 10:43

you don't need wise words, you need to give him some straight talk. You've worked on yourself. You know you look better. That doesn't mean you're going to cheat on him, and if he's going to be an insecure jealous little twatbadger, you will leave him and he will make his own fears come true through his own bad behaviour. If he doesn't trust you, he isn't worth staying married to. Tell him this, the ball is in his court.

Agree. He sounds rather nasty actually- he ignored you for years when you put on some weight, now you've lost it he's ragingly jealous. You can't win can you OP? literally whatever you do he is punishing you for it in some form or another. Really consider that and what it says about him as a person....

FlamingoQueen · 23/12/2023 10:45

I would suggest that if he is going to watch you like a hawk all night, then he should stay at home!
Say that you’ve started looking after yourself and you feel amazing, but he is putting a massive shadow over it all and you feel he is now jealous. Ask him if he would have felt like that a few months ago (assume he will say no) then ask him how shallow does that make him look. You’ve changed your look, not your personality!
Well done too x

Xtraincome · 23/12/2023 10:48

I have fluctuated in weight and grossness over the years of kids and marriage. My DH has found me sexy regardless.

Your DH measures you against your looks and outward appeal, he is shallow and petty. You need to decide if he is using this attitude as a springboard for pushing you away and making you feel crap about yourself- It could be the start of the end of your marriage OP.

He should have worshipped you before you "improved" yourself, he didn't. There are many lovely men out there who would have loved you regardless of your surface appeal. I am not giving advice on how you should handle this. I think you know what needs to be done, but it's hard to admit that you feeling better about yourself is the reason your DH is acting like a tw*t! It won't get better, he won't be nicer, he will fabricate stories about your interactions with men until he grinds you down to stop you going out.

Good luck, OP.

KnowThyself · 23/12/2023 10:48

I believe you 100% don’t change.

If a woman is friendly many men think it’s a green light. He is probably one of them so he is judging you by what he thinks. I can think of many times where me just being nice as I would to a woman or a man has been misconstrued or they deliberately try and take advantage. I helped a really ancient old chap yesterday as he was very unsteady on his feet, he was 90. I walked him from the car park to the shop. He wanted to kiss me and puckered up and leant in for one. I can’t imagine a 90 year old woman would have done the same. I said no.

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