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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lovely night out ruined. DH so different since I improved myself.

121 replies

cornishlassy · 23/12/2023 09:17

DH was pretty indifferent to me a while back. For a long time (years), sex was infrequent (like once every 2 months, if I asked him for it).

Fast forward to now, for myself, I lost a bit of weight and had a face lift. There is no doubt, I look a lot better. He is now all over me, which is lovely (albeit, it feels a bit shallow!)

5 nights ago, we had a Christmas night out at a Hotel, and it's all gone downhill from there. He says I was flirting with a guy. I absolutely was not. There was a large group of people (mostly women actually), and I spent the same amount of time chatting to them all. I don't fancy this man in any way. Even if I was single, I wouldn't be interested. And in no way, was he flirty with me either.

He is furious with me, but I haven't done anything wrong! It's like after all these years, he is suddenly seeing me as a sexual woman, who other men could fancy, whereas he didn't see me like that before. And now, I'm being punished in some way.

We are meant to be going out tonight for another Christmas do, and I feel like I should just sit in a fucking corner or something, which obviously I won't, but I feel like he is watching me. It's so bizarre. He literally could not have given two fucks a few months ago. In fact, I actually felt totally invisible to him.

I don't know how to handle this? Any wise words?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 23/12/2023 10:48

pointythings · 23/12/2023 09:21

You don't need wise words, you need to give him some straight talk. You've worked on yourself. You know you look better. That doesn't mean you're going to cheat on him, and if he's going to be an insecure jealous little twatbadger, you will leave him and he will make his own fears come true through his own bad behaviour. If he doesn't trust you, he isn't worth staying married to. Tell him this, the ball is in his court.

This covers pretty much everything you need to do- twatbadger and all 😀

4timesthefun · 23/12/2023 10:55

He is becoming an abusive twat to control you. Before the facelift and weight loss, he didn’t think he needed to control you like that, as he thought you were too ugly to leave him and find someone else. Now he thinks you might possibly be able to do better, he has to take you down a few pegs.

EmmaEmerald · 23/12/2023 10:55

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2023 09:55

You tell him to stop being an insecure twat and remind him that he virtually ignored you before you lost weight, the arsehole. Then you tell him to improve his shit behaviour. He’s trying to control you with this shitty treatment. Don’t allow him to hide you away.

This

OP you mentioned his medication the other thread

Combined with the general unpleasantness of him now, .i think you're dealing with an increase in testosterone?

I don't excuse his behaviour at all. Just curious to see if he would be the same without it.

Agree with pp that he's panicking other men will like you

This annoys me. As some of you will know - and it's not a brag because most people on here disapprove - I dated a much younger man this summer and I'm fat. So nothing has really changed except his perception and his medication.

He's behaved like a total arsehole and you definitely don't need to hide in a corner.

PaintedEgg · 23/12/2023 10:57

He is the only one needing wise words - harsh words even

it is a universally known fact that if you don't appreciate your spouse, someone else will

it is peak of male entitlement to ignore his wife and then get angry at her for others very much not ignoring her

while the simple truth is that he has a hot wife, he either can accept that and act accordingly or let someone else do it ;)

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/12/2023 11:02

GreenLight23 · Today 10:30

A face lift is drastic op. Why did you do it can I ask? How did he feel about you having it done?

OP did it to feel better about herself along with the weight loss - why not? And husband should have supported her or said nothing, it's not up to him to approve or disapprove.

Seaside3 · 23/12/2023 11:02

His anger and insecurity is not yours to fix.

If he had anything about him, he would love that people are showing you attention, safe in the knowledge that you are married to him and going home with um.

Live your best life and go shine.

KTSl1964 · 23/12/2023 11:06

He will damped you down and silence you - you are already thinking how you will behave this evening so as not to make him jealous. This is no life.

confusedaboutclothes · 23/12/2023 11:09

cornishlassy · 23/12/2023 09:53

He popped out but will be home soon. Any idea what I could say here?

I would completely ignore it OP.

Bringing it up is almost pandering to it -
if anything i’d like the fact that he was
now feeling jealous and on edge…I know that’s not really the right way to look at it but it may make him appreciate what he’s got and realise he’s not irreplaceable!

If it happens again just tell him to shut up and stop being a twat!

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/12/2023 11:20

Point out that one of the reasons you wanted to improve your appearance was so he would fancy you and you wouldn't have to beg him for sex!

The other - more important reason - was, I hope, that you wanted to look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with your reflection.

Tell him you are NOT going to go back to being frumpy in public and just keeping the sexy you for his eyes only. You want to feel you look good and have the confidence that your new appearance gives you, and that you will talk to whoever you want to talk to - and even flirt harmlessly if you feel like it, but you will always go home with him.

If he doesn't like that, he can bugger off and you can flirt seriously and find someone who loves the look of you and the way you enjoy yourself at parties, because you are NOT going to be pushed into purdah for him. Does he want you to wear a niqab or something? If so, he married the wrong wife.

The choice is his

BoredofBlonde · 23/12/2023 11:21

<wants to know all about the facelift>

Sighhhhh · 23/12/2023 11:25

Why the hell would people suggest that you leave your husband as a first response? What kind of forum is this? Utter madness.

Certainly give it to your husband with both barrels. Let him know all that you’ve said here and require him to be a better husband. Give him a chance to see his errors and improve himself. If he continues to fail THEN you might consider LTB.

wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 11:28

Sighhhhh · 23/12/2023 11:25

Why the hell would people suggest that you leave your husband as a first response? What kind of forum is this? Utter madness.

Certainly give it to your husband with both barrels. Let him know all that you’ve said here and require him to be a better husband. Give him a chance to see his errors and improve himself. If he continues to fail THEN you might consider LTB.

Personally, I think it's more of a long overdue response...

Sugarsun · 23/12/2023 11:31

You need to nip this in the bud OP.

Else next thing you know you’ll be avoiding talking to men and then it will just escalate from there.

Is he going to start getting jealous when you go out without him thinking you’re talking ti other men.

Tell him that you weren’t flirting and you are going to have a laugh with your male friends just as much as your female ones.
If he cannot cope with that then he needs to leave.

Unfortunately, this is a very common problem.
Some men do not like it when their partners look and feel good because they get paranoid that she can do better.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 23/12/2023 11:34

pointythings · 23/12/2023 09:21

You don't need wise words, you need to give him some straight talk. You've worked on yourself. You know you look better. That doesn't mean you're going to cheat on him, and if he's going to be an insecure jealous little twatbadger, you will leave him and he will make his own fears come true through his own bad behaviour. If he doesn't trust you, he isn't worth staying married to. Tell him this, the ball is in his court.

This, my dear! Also, enjoy the new you x

Janieforever · 23/12/2023 11:35

SuspiciousSue · 23/12/2023 10:03

You don’t sound like you’re that interested in him either tbh. You went on a night out with him and spent ages talking to other people, I think anyone would be miffed at that. Obviously that doesn’t excuse any of his other bad behaviour but maybe this relationship has just run its course.

What? That’s an odd thing to write. Of course you talk to other people. If you just sit and talk to your partner what’s the point in going, it’s called socialising for a reason.

5128gap · 23/12/2023 11:37

Sighhhhh · 23/12/2023 11:25

Why the hell would people suggest that you leave your husband as a first response? What kind of forum is this? Utter madness.

Certainly give it to your husband with both barrels. Let him know all that you’ve said here and require him to be a better husband. Give him a chance to see his errors and improve himself. If he continues to fail THEN you might consider LTB.

I think some people may think the OP is better off without a man who is only interested in her after she has dramatically changed her natural appearance with the aid of surgery. Who was displeased with her and made her feel bad when he considered her unattractive and is equally displeased and trying to make her feel bad now he does find her attractive. A man with no interest in intimacy for the sake of love and affection, but chasing sex now his asthetic standards are met. A man who seemingly can't tell the difference between social chit chat and his wife encouraging another man sexually...In fact some might say that a failure to LTB as a response to this catalogue of flaws and poor treatment would be madness.

whynotwhatknot · 23/12/2023 11:39

so he didnt fancy you till you had surgery-lovely tell him to fuck off everytim he accuses you of flirtiing

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/12/2023 11:40

5128gap · 23/12/2023 11:37

I think some people may think the OP is better off without a man who is only interested in her after she has dramatically changed her natural appearance with the aid of surgery. Who was displeased with her and made her feel bad when he considered her unattractive and is equally displeased and trying to make her feel bad now he does find her attractive. A man with no interest in intimacy for the sake of love and affection, but chasing sex now his asthetic standards are met. A man who seemingly can't tell the difference between social chit chat and his wife encouraging another man sexually...In fact some might say that a failure to LTB as a response to this catalogue of flaws and poor treatment would be madness.

Show quote history

Very well said.

category12 · 23/12/2023 11:44

Sighhhhh · 23/12/2023 11:25

Why the hell would people suggest that you leave your husband as a first response? What kind of forum is this? Utter madness.

Certainly give it to your husband with both barrels. Let him know all that you’ve said here and require him to be a better husband. Give him a chance to see his errors and improve himself. If he continues to fail THEN you might consider LTB.

Because she's been putting up with a shit relationship for years. If it was one-off shit behaviour, depending on what it was, it might not be dump-worthy but after years of indifference? Pfft. I doubt her giving it to him both barrels will make a difference - I can't imagine she's sat silently throughout years of feeling invisible to him.

Mrgrinch · 23/12/2023 11:52

Could someone link to OP's previous thread as I feel like it's relevant?

ConnieCroydon · 23/12/2023 11:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

ConnieCroydon · 23/12/2023 11:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

FlyingCherub · 23/12/2023 11:59

I've been everything between a size 16 and 24 since meeting DH, and he's never once lost interest in me physically. And he loves me being sociable and talking to people - we go to a social event together and leave together, nothing else matters.

He is trying to control your behaviour here, and your behaviour isn't the problem. It's all in his head. Please don't start giving into this or modify any part of how you behave because that's one hell of a slippery slope to go down.

laclochette · 23/12/2023 12:00

When people lose weight, it's extremely common for them to report increased jealousy from partners and also from their friends, in the form of an increased sense of rivalry. It sucks, but our society is so weight-obsessed that when we lose or gain weight, our position in the social hierarchy changes, and that impacts all our relationships. That doesn't make it a nice experience nor does it justify your husband's behaviour but I thought it might help to know you're not alone. It's why counselling, as an individual and a couple, is so often recommended alongside significant weight loss programmes.

I hope you can speak to your husband about this and that he has the self awareness and communication skills to figure out what is going on for him, apologise to you and figure out a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.

moomoomoo27 · 23/12/2023 12:05

I wouldn't do anything differently at the next event. Just carry on as you were, you're doing nothing wrong. If he wants to sit and sulk in a corner let him. He needs to get used to the idea that this is how it is, if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.