Lovely night out ruined. DH so different since I improved myself.

[cornishlassy]

DH was pretty indifferent to me a while back. For a long time (years), sex was infrequent (like once every 2 months, if I asked him for it).

Fast forward to now, for myself, I lost a bit of weight and had a face lift. There is no doubt, I look a lot better. He is now all over me, which is lovely (albeit, it feels a bit shallow!)

5 nights ago, we had a Christmas night out at a Hotel, and it's all gone downhill from there. He says I was flirting with a guy. I absolutely was not. There was a large group of people (mostly women actually), and I spent the same amount of time chatting to them all. I don't fancy this man in any way. Even if I was single, I wouldn't be interested. And in no way, was he flirty with me either.

He is furious with me, but I haven't done anything wrong! It's like after all these years, he is suddenly seeing me as a sexual woman, who other men could fancy, whereas he didn't see me like that before. And now, I'm being punished in some way.

We are meant to be going out tonight for another Christmas do, and I feel like I should just sit in a fucking corner or something, which obviously I won't, but I feel like he is watching me. It's so bizarre. He literally could not have given two fucks a few months ago. In fact, I actually felt totally invisible to him.

I don't know how to handle this? Any wise words?

IMO his behaviour isn't because OP looks better so he's more attracted to her, rather it's because she is taking control of her own life and control is slipping away from HIM, so he's trying to get it back.

You say he's wrong once and only once, do not try to defend your actions repeatedly, he is chosing to not believe you so repeating acheives nothing when it's all in his head. You point out that jealousy and envy are negative emotions that are coming from within him, and that's his problem to solve, not yours.
How has his appearance changed over the years? Has he aged well? Before the work when he ignored you, were you staring at him talking to people on nights out and imagining he was flirting? I'd guess not.
How does he imagine that good-looking couples cope? The answer is they don't have his controlling attitude, the correct mindset would be to be proud of your other half if they get attention, and be secure enough that you are theirs.
Ignoring you for years put you in a box, now he feels less in control of you - you probably have more confidence. Looks like he likes you quiet and unconfident, so this is his way of putting you back in the box by bringing you down.
Takes 2 to have an argument, so if he's got nothing decent to say, just walk away and ignore. Let him sulk, if he doesn't snap out of it, then it will be him ruining the relationship, but you at that point could suggest a choice of counselling or split. Do not let him dictate how you should behave, stick to your guns and be yourself.

I feel like I’m about eight years old posting this, but does this fatness social hierarchy thing make anyone else seriously perturbed? My DC has a friend who is a chubby little chap. I think he’s gorgeous- really sweet and cheeky-looking and so gentle natured. It’s awful to see him get treated as a second class citizen. What percentage of society do you think feel this way? Truthfully, a lot of larger people I know actually have sweeter natures. I don’t know if that’s chicken or egg… But are there some people out there who genuinely hate seeing this in society? Or does everyone just accept it?

So when your looks change again (as they inevitably will), will he go back to ignoring you again? He sounds horrible tbh.

Why do you love him when he treats you so badly? He wasn't there for you before the face lift and he's acting like he owns you after it.

So he was a dick before the transformation and hes now being a dick after the transformation. Sounds like you can't win op.

And given his highly superficial nature, this is worth bearing in mind OP when formulating your response to his behaviour. If you opt to flaunt it and milk it ( not saying you will, or even that you shouldn’t, but by way of illustration so you don’t neglect to factor it in) it could all come back to haunt you with a bump and a slap.

Tell him he needs to think long and hard about his behaviour as it’s giving you the impression he had no interest in you before but you’re now only worth something and need guarding because of the changes in your appearance. Say that every time he behaves like that it makes you think well if he didn’t value me when I didn’t look like this he doesn’t deserve me now I do.

I think this is how I’d approach it too.

Though I’d probably leave off the last bit ( with inbuilt threat) because, as pp have pointed out, weight loss and face lifts generally only hold off the passage of time for a bit. In the end OP it’s about deciding how you really feel about someone who values you by the way you look.

He popped out but will be home soon. Any idea what I could say here?

I am leaving you. You ignored me for years and now I’ve improved myself you’re being controlling and possessive and I don’t want to live my life with an abuser.

I’d start by addressing his jealousy tbh. And I’d tell him it’s simply not ok to make you responsible about something that only exist in his head. Same re using you as an emotional punching bag because his own inadequacies.

So it along the lines of
I was not flirting with anyone nor was anyone flirting with me last night. If you feel inadequate and jealous at the moment, you need to deal with whatever the cause is. Not take it on me instead. I’m nit your emotional punching bag. Nor am I responsible fir how you feel.

More importantly, you need to truly believe it yourself.

Christ. Raise your bar and dump this shallow arsehole.

I

No. Just not an over-reacter who is trigger happy about relationships. What’s wrong with giving him a chance if she is happy otherwise?

I really hope so … otherwise it’s too depressing.

Have you actually read OP’s post? She said she has no desire to do so. I think there are definitely some issues that need canvassing in the relationship but why are there so many recreational relationship-wreckers on MN? Sometimes, yeah, it’s justified. But not when OP has categorically said that’s not what she wants .

I think one of the reasons why people jump at LTB is because

1- it’s rarely the only issue in the marriage.
eg him being so ‘sensitive’ to the OP’s looks might well be one of the many signs of how shallow he is. Or about him being controlling etc…

2- reminding posters that said behaviour IS LTB territory is often needed. Because when you start by saying ‘you should give him a chance blablabla’, it rarely comes with a ‘actually it’s bad and not something you should ever accept. He really has to sharpen up quick.’, which LTB coveys well (even though it’s also too simplistic iyswim)

Op, you've asked a cross section of women what would they do. Strong women wouldn't tolerate this and they wouldn't 'love him' because there isn't anything there to love. What you need to find is a forum full of women whose bar for men is also on the floor, hey just being a man is tick, so that you can share advice.

I’m not sure saying that the DH is simply a controlling twat is less depressing that any other options (like him being extremely shallow?)

@Calliopespa
I expect the op has no desire to leave simply because she's never thought about it. She is one of too many women who will tolerate any shitty behaviour whatsoever from a man without any thought that she doesn't have to live like this. It's a huge societal failing, one which is thankfully getting better. I am very happy many women on this website encourage other women to raise their bar. They might not do it immediately, in fact they would be folly to, but at least have pause for thought.

Yes I can see some of that. But it’s honestly as though some posters have LTB on their clipboard and simply paste in the response box at times. I always wonder if they’ve actually had the same courage … or alternatively if, having imploded their own, they want everyone in that position.

Have you actually read OP’s post? She said she has no desire to do so. I think there are definitely some issues that need canvassing in the relationship but why are there so many recreational relationship-wreckers on MN? Sometimes, yeah, it’s justified. But not when OP has categorically said that’s not what she wants

yes I have. But there are many women who post on here about controlling partners, who believe they don’t want to leave, and I would say the same to all of them. Sometimes it takes and outside perspective to understand that the partners’ behaviour within the relationship is not normal and not ok.

It is at least a response to actual autonomous dynamics within the relationship rather than something she is not ultimately able to control long term.

I can answer your last question @Calliopespa
You're right in your last sentence, but the difference is, you've written it as a negative (I think), whereas for me it's a wonderful positive. I adore women, I think we're all absolutely and utterly marvellous and give so so much; and I want to shout from the rooftops that you don't need a man. My thoughts are from my own experience, such a low bar in my twenties and thirties, and then the scales came off, got divorced and am so much happier. At the risk of sounding twee, I'd love it if more women discovered that the grass is greener. I'm hoping that if we stop putting up with such shit, men will up the game for our daughters and their daughters.