Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I walking on eggshells or am I just hard to live with?

82 replies

Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:26

My DP and I had a falling out yesterday and he went out and hasn’t returned and I would value some outside perspectives.

We’d had a normal morning and I had made lunch for him and our DC. At the end of lunch we had a petty row (DC had left the room) about me switching the radio off to make lunch which spiralled into even more petty nit picking (apparently I sniff when I breathe lately).

I left the room and he whacked the radio up loud so I admit I was petty and turned it up even more via my phone and then I heard smashing in the kitchen and he stormed out with the dog.

He’d thrown all the dishes on the floor and thrown a bottle so hard at the wall it made a hole. I texted him saying that was extreme behaviour and not acceptable and suggested he booked himself into a hotel to chill out, which I assume he has done because he hasn’t come home. He’s taken my car and erased my profile on it so I can’t see where he’s gone.

This is far from the first time he’s lost his temper like this. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship who he is currently largely non contact with because of this temper. He’s never physically hurt any of us but I do feel intimidated by him when these situations happen.

I spent the evening feeling guilty that I’ve pushed him to get so upset (I finally managed to get him to confirm he was ok by threatening to call his parents) and on edge as to what he might be about to do and annoyed he’s behaved so extremely over something so silly.

I feel it was a silly row about difference of opinion - something that happens a lot and which I feel always results in me feeling bad for the things I’ve said, rather than him addressing the way he’s reacted. It’s exhausting and yes I know it’s toxic but I adore my DC and don’t want to bring him up in a split household because selfishly I love my DC so much I don’t want to miss out on any of his life.

I don’t really know what I want from this. I guess I just feel a bit alone in it all because on the outside we’re a happy family and I only have a couple of friends in RL that know what’s really going on.

OP posts:
ProfessorPeppy · 23/12/2023 08:29

He is abusive - this is DV - and you need to leave.

Contact Women’s Aid and make a (secret) plan.

Your DH doesn’t see his other children so it’s unlikely he’ll want to see yours.

TwentyThreeFifteen · 23/12/2023 08:30

He’s an abusive twat.
You should protect your DC and LTB.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2023 08:31

He's abusive and he's repeating the same pattern as with his other children, its your job to protect your child so do it

dothehokeycokey · 23/12/2023 08:33

Did you know he was no contact with his other dc for his temper before you had a child with him?

NoSquirrels · 23/12/2023 08:34

yes I know it’s toxic but I adore my DC and don’t want to bring him up in a split household because selfishly I love my DC so much I don’t want to miss out on any of his life.

But you’ll put your DC first, won’t you, above your own desires, to protect them?

Your DH needs external help to change. Anger management, therapy etc. Will he agree and go? Does he see there’s a problem and he needs to change? If he doesn’t, then you’ll need to be the change, despite what it costs you.

Original poster
Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:37

He doesn’t see his other children because they currently dont want to see him. It’s a very long story but he’s always regretted not having a court order to see them and feels this is partly what has caused tensions with them (until last year they lived with us every other w/e). So he would absolutely want to have access to our DC - which selfishly is why I don’t want to leave.

OP posts:
Brightandbubly · 23/12/2023 08:38

All you need to know is he doesn’t see his other children, this is massive
Dont tolerate it anymore and set the wheels in motion

Namechange4234 · 23/12/2023 08:39

This is far from the first time he’s lost his temper like this. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship who he is currently largely non contact with because of this temper. He’s never physically hurt any of us but I do feel intimidated by him when these situations happen

Log the violent incident with 101

End the relationship

Do not allow him to see the children unsupervised

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2023 08:39

So you'd rather bring your dc up in a toxic environment, poor kid

Original poster
Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:40

If I leave him, he’ll get some form of access to my DC. And I don’t want my DC growing up without him. But equally I am concerned about things becoming even worse if I leave. Currently my DC is happy, thriving. If I leave how do I guarantee he’ll be ok?

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2023 08:41

Bringing up your child in a violent household is not in their best interests.

Namechange4234 · 23/12/2023 08:43

Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:40

If I leave him, he’ll get some form of access to my DC. And I don’t want my DC growing up without him. But equally I am concerned about things becoming even worse if I leave. Currently my DC is happy, thriving. If I leave how do I guarantee he’ll be ok?

Bringing up your child in a violent household is NOT in the best interest of the child

Original poster
Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:44

@NoSquirrels he has seen a counsellor following the situation with his DC. He accepts he has issues with empathy but will always focus on the cause of his temper rather than looking at ways of controlling it. I know yesterday’s situation is partly fuelled with the wider issues and tensions.

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 23/12/2023 08:44

If a father is no contact because of his temper what thought process went through your head that he was a brilliant man ? The plate smashing in itself is abuse ? Toxic volatility and I nloody hope it's his dog.

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2023 08:46

Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:37

He doesn’t see his other children because they currently dont want to see him. It’s a very long story but he’s always regretted not having a court order to see them and feels this is partly what has caused tensions with them (until last year they lived with us every other w/e). So he would absolutely want to have access to our DC - which selfishly is why I don’t want to leave.

What is the "long story"? He has eow contact until a year ago but now his own children don't want contact with him. Even if he had a court order if they chose not to see him chances are court wouldn't enforce this if there is a good reason. If that reason is the type of behaviour he has displayed here that you are quite dismissive of then I guess you are more happy to let your DC grow up around it too.

Original poster
Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:46

@MistletoeandJd I’m not sure I ever said he was a brilliant man. For context we have been together around a decade and I spent much of that happily helping to co parent his lovely DC. I had my own DC with him completely unaware life would turn out like this.

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 23/12/2023 08:47

And your chasing him =( your anabling his behaviour, your balming yourself. You may not see it but you're allowing a man to take away part of the kids mum from them wether you realise or not he drains positive energy from you, energy that could be going on the kids.

PaminaMozart · 23/12/2023 08:47

If you stay with this man, you are condemning yourself and your child to decades of misery and heartbreak.

Don't do it.

Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. Available free online.

Namefleeting · 23/12/2023 08:49

It's not good OP. There is never any excuse for plate smashing and the like. In healthy relationships there are going to be occasional disagreements but his behaviour is abusive. If he can't help himself he needs to leave. It's not your fault and your child would be better off without him in the home.

MistletoeandJd · 23/12/2023 08:49

So you didn't realise the situation until after kids with him ?

MaggieBsBoat · 23/12/2023 08:49

I am betting I love my kids as much as you love yours which is why I absolutely wouldn’t bring them up in a house with a man like this. Check your priorities.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/12/2023 08:50

This is horrific.

It's never better for DC to grow up in an abusive household.

The idea of shared access can seem concerning but you can deal with that through court in time. His older DC are NC - that is likely what would ultimately happen with your DC.

Will he stay away for Christmas? (Hopefully). Do you have support?

Original poster
Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:50

@Spirallingdownwards I can understand why you feel this is an easy one to fix but believe me I’m not happy my DC is in this situation. My DC is everything to me and if I could see into the future and know the right route to take, it would be great. I’m exhausted by the situation and to be honest having comments that suggest I’m letting my child down don’t really help.

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 23/12/2023 08:53

He has 2 DC from a previous relationship who he is currently largely non contact with because of this temper.

clearly you aren't the issue.
I feel sorry for all the children involved.
He sounds delangerous and unhinged.

If you love your children protect them from this.

I'd be changing the locks and seeking divorce with supervised contact.

Namechange4234 · 23/12/2023 08:53

Soundsliketrouble · 23/12/2023 08:50

@Spirallingdownwards I can understand why you feel this is an easy one to fix but believe me I’m not happy my DC is in this situation. My DC is everything to me and if I could see into the future and know the right route to take, it would be great. I’m exhausted by the situation and to be honest having comments that suggest I’m letting my child down don’t really help.

I can see into the future with this man, and so can you.

Leave this man for the benefit of your child

No child can benefit from being with a violent father or mother and you know this

You'll feel much less tired when you and your child are safe

Log the incident with 101 now