Am I walking on eggshells or am I just hard to live with?

[Soundsliketrouble]

My DP and I had a falling out yesterday and he went out and hasn’t returned and I would value some outside perspectives.

We’d had a normal morning and I had made lunch for him and our DC. At the end of lunch we had a petty row (DC had left the room) about me switching the radio off to make lunch which spiralled into even more petty nit picking (apparently I sniff when I breathe lately).

I left the room and he whacked the radio up loud so I admit I was petty and turned it up even more via my phone and then I heard smashing in the kitchen and he stormed out with the dog.

He’d thrown all the dishes on the floor and thrown a bottle so hard at the wall it made a hole. I texted him saying that was extreme behaviour and not acceptable and suggested he booked himself into a hotel to chill out, which I assume he has done because he hasn’t come home. He’s taken my car and erased my profile on it so I can’t see where he’s gone.

This is far from the first time he’s lost his temper like this. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship who he is currently largely non contact with because of this temper. He’s never physically hurt any of us but I do feel intimidated by him when these situations happen.

I spent the evening feeling guilty that I’ve pushed him to get so upset (I finally managed to get him to confirm he was ok by threatening to call his parents) and on edge as to what he might be about to do and annoyed he’s behaved so extremely over something so silly.

I feel it was a silly row about difference of opinion - something that happens a lot and which I feel always results in me feeling bad for the things I’ve said, rather than him addressing the way he’s reacted. It’s exhausting and yes I know it’s toxic but I adore my DC and don’t want to bring him up in a split household because selfishly I love my DC so much I don’t want to miss out on any of his life.

I don’t really know what I want from this. I guess I just feel a bit alone in it all because on the outside we’re a happy family and I only have a couple of friends in RL that know what’s really going on.

What is your relationship with him like on an average day? Can you talk to him? Does he apologise after he has been so angry?
What do you think is the underlying reason for his anger and frustration? Is he depressed? Does he feel trapped in this relationship with kids again?
If you can talk to him and he is apologetic after the angry behaviour I think you need to encourage him to go and speak to someone and to seek help. He needs to find another way to express his feelings.

I agree with other posters that you need to take action to make yourself feel safe. Look at how you can leave. Can you stay with family or friends? Or at least make plans to. Even if this is a temporary separation while you work the future out.

You need space away from him and he needs to properly understand that his behaviour is not acceptable because it is making you question yourself and feel uncomfortable and unsafe in your own home. That is not ok.

Whatever you decide to do, you must do something because left unchecked this situation will not resolve itself.

What's worrying is that you're feeling guilty and questioning your own behaviour. He's abusive and dangerous. Leave him for the sake of your children.

What did your child make of the plate smashing / bottle throwing / storming out / staying out?

Please don’t say they don’t know.

yes I know it’s toxic but I adore my DC and don’t want to bring him up in a split household because selfishly I love my DC so much I don’t want to miss out on any of his life.

Jesus Christ 🤦🏼‍♀️

@NoSquirrels He’s been having counselling and they did raise the suggestion that he may have some form of neurodiversity. He rarely allows himself to talk about his own feelings so I thought the counselling would be a break through and he did seem to come out of the sessions more open to talking about how he feels. However he is generally looking for quick fixes - e.g he said after one session he recognises he’s probably a perfectionist and part of his struggles with us is that he likes things done a certain way. I thought that was interesting but when I asked how he might be able to shift behaviours recognising this, he was less interested.

It's probably because of that childhood that you've been tolerating this man's moods and outbursts.

But it's no way to live, op. You deserve a peaceful, emotionally safe, physically safe home.

You need to break the cycle for yourself and your dc.

This is why it's abusive behaviour on his part. It escalates slowly at first, so you become almost immune to it. You start thinking it's normal and that it must be your fault, and it makes it very hard to leave the relationship.

The problem is that it is escalating now. You are now going to be cautious about everything in case it sets him off. And it's only a matter of time before he becomes physically aggressive.

Highly recommend calling Women's Aid for advice. If you look at the link here you'll see that his behaviour is indeed abusive. Wishing you all the best for a safe and happy Christmas

I just noticed that you said you were petty and turned the radio up louder. Two points:

(a) this was not a reason for him to start smashing things. Smashing things is not a normal response to being mildly provoked. Who starts smashing plates because another person turned up a radio during an argument? Wouldn't you just turn the radio off or walk out? Then why didn't he?

(b) he behaves like this (picking on you about the radio or the sniffing or whatever) to provoke you into doing something, however small, that gives him, in his mind, any "excuse" to lose his shit. The losing of the shit is to do with whatever internal feelings made him start on you in the first place. It's not because of your very mild response to him starting on you. He wants to behave like this to express or relieve something within himself. He starts these arguments to get to a place where he feels (wrongly) that he is justified in doing it.

My mum occasionally reacted in the same sort of way herself (eg turning up the radio) and I think it's because there's only so much walking on eggshells you can do before another part of you rebels and asks why you have to live like this.

@ObliviousCoalmine I genuinely don’t understand why people don’t understand this one? My DC is my only child and given my age, will be my only child. Leaving my partner will inevitably mean I miss out on time with my child, because a) he has rights to see his DC and b) I don’t want to prevent my DC seeing his father who he loves. Why is having a consideration of the fact I would have to hand over time from my child due to something that is not my doing (backed up by many posters here) something that is seemed so unbelievable.
i’m not saying I’m right thinking like that but is the idea I should be upset/hesitant at having to not have my child 100% of the time really something so inconceivable?

Don’t make excuses read the comments don’t try and convince yourself, the doubt is there so listen to it

No amount of walking on eggshells will stop this from happening because it is not to do with you. This behaviour is dangerous, and it is toxic to you and to your children.

I agree entirely and I would urge you to read through your own posts, and the title!!, and take note of any red flgs you see. Then reconsider the replies you've had rationally rather than emotionally.

And do read Dr Bancroft's book!

It's unbelievable because

You'd rather your child lives in a toxic and violent household 24/7 so that YOU can have the child with you 24/7

Chances are, if you log this violence added to his previous violence , you'll be able to limit his unsupervised access to your child

@CarterBeatsTheDevil

This is helpful, thank you. I agree that in many of these scenarios he flips the focus onto the cause rather than the effect. Ironically I had a few counselling sessions a few years back relating to the feelings of guilt I get a lot in situations like this. The counsellor highlighted that I can only own the way I behave, not how someone else then chooses to behave. It was his choice to behave how he did yesterday and I do recognise it’s not fair that my guilt kicks in and I end up taking on the weight of his actions simply because I was present.

You say you can't see into the future yet you literally have an example right in front of you of how his DC have turned out. How much more evidence do you need that he's not wired for healthy parenting? Start making plans to go it alone.

It's not inconceivable, but it means keeping the child in an abusive household 100% of the time. One where you're teaching the child: this is normal, this is how families live.

At least if you split, you would be able to provide an emotionally safe, non-abusive home for your child, most of the time. You would be showing them it's not OK to live like that at the mercy of a man's mood.

Thank you everyone, I promise I am reading all of these comments and I do know they all make a lot of sense. I think I’m probably just scared of facing the truth and scared of heading into get another likely very stressful stage of life when my soul already feels quite empty. I assure you I will always prioritise my DC even if it sounds like I’m not.

To all the pp's saying to leave or OP doesn't care about her child, it's not that easy. You are then forced to leave your baby with a violent abuser, it's not an easy choice to make. For the court to remove ALL contact from a father or mother is high, you only have to read the stories on here to see this.

Having said this, I left someone very similar OP. My life (and my childrens) is infinitely better not living with him, although he does cause carnage outside of my home though

I’m going to have a break now and prise my DC off the tv. Thank you. It’s been tough reading but I needed this. Thank you.

You say your DC is happy and thriving now, well he won't continue to be if he grows up in this environment. Look at how your DP's other children feel about him and they don't even live with him.
DC does know that something is going on and there are tensions, but depending on his age it might be subconscious, especially if a tense environment is all he's known and he thinks it's normal. Are you actually worried about not spending 100% of your time with your DC, or are you worried about your DP's treatment of your DC when you're not there? Because your child spending 50%+ of their time happy and calm alone with you is preferable to 100% of their time in this environment. From experience your child won't thank you for staying with an angry man just to avoid splitting the family up

Why do you think it's better for your child to grow up in a home with him when his older children have actively choosen not to have contact?

Don't subject your child to his abuse, learn from the older ones

I grew up in a household with a dad like this. My strongest childhood memories are of my dad smashing up the house, banging his head against a wall until it bled, burning my toys on a bonfire. I could go on.

One thing that might resonate with you is that even though I loved my mum to bits, I lost all respect for her because she didn't leave him. Oh the irony that she didn't leave because of me.

I first had therapy at 21, my dad's violence effected every part of my life. I escaped as soon as I could, moved in with a totally inappropriate boyfriend at 18, rarely going back to see them which I know hurt my mum and I in turn suffered huge guilt because I couldnt save her..

Even in his 80's my dad was still smashing things up and blaming my mum.

But how could you be unaware that you would end up like this when you knew his past?

I'm sure you have cleared up all the mess now so he will never have to confront what he actually did. You should have taken the child and left the house immediately. You are not doing the right thing for your child by staying in this marriage.

Speak to Women's Aid

You are being abused and gaslighted and clearly can't see the wood for the trees.

He has a pattern of behaviour that he is now repeating with you.

Abusive people always say it is the victim's fault for making them angry. It is their ace card.

I want to make a suggestion.

Go into the room you had the argument in. Turn up the radio until it’s the same volume as your DP did. Then stand in the room and imaging it’s you smashing the dishes and you throwing the bottle so hard at the wall it leaves a hole.

Try to imagine the level of anger/rage he must have been feeling to do this.

Then ask yourself if something needs to change. Could you imagine yourself ever doing this, probably not.

I ended up doing this imaging myself in his shoes ref my ex (it wasn’t even as extreme as yours), but it really gave me another perspective and made me realise how little he thought of me.

Maybe this will shock your DC into realising he needs to sort this fast, or you will be making your own decisions.

i also got caught up in trying to understand why my ex got so angry so fast. I looked at my own behaviour to see if I was as much at fault as he told me so. But physical violence (smashing plates) isjust a line that shouldn’t be crossed.

In my experience it slowly got worse over the years. I ended up keeping quiet so as not rock the boat. But I didn’t know what would set him off, in the end I disengaged from him so much I might as well have been on the Moon.