Am I walking on eggshells or am I just hard to live with?

[Soundsliketrouble]

My DP and I had a falling out yesterday and he went out and hasn’t returned and I would value some outside perspectives.

We’d had a normal morning and I had made lunch for him and our DC. At the end of lunch we had a petty row (DC had left the room) about me switching the radio off to make lunch which spiralled into even more petty nit picking (apparently I sniff when I breathe lately).

I left the room and he whacked the radio up loud so I admit I was petty and turned it up even more via my phone and then I heard smashing in the kitchen and he stormed out with the dog.

He’d thrown all the dishes on the floor and thrown a bottle so hard at the wall it made a hole. I texted him saying that was extreme behaviour and not acceptable and suggested he booked himself into a hotel to chill out, which I assume he has done because he hasn’t come home. He’s taken my car and erased my profile on it so I can’t see where he’s gone.

This is far from the first time he’s lost his temper like this. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship who he is currently largely non contact with because of this temper. He’s never physically hurt any of us but I do feel intimidated by him when these situations happen.

I spent the evening feeling guilty that I’ve pushed him to get so upset (I finally managed to get him to confirm he was ok by threatening to call his parents) and on edge as to what he might be about to do and annoyed he’s behaved so extremely over something so silly.

I feel it was a silly row about difference of opinion - something that happens a lot and which I feel always results in me feeling bad for the things I’ve said, rather than him addressing the way he’s reacted. It’s exhausting and yes I know it’s toxic but I adore my DC and don’t want to bring him up in a split household because selfishly I love my DC so much I don’t want to miss out on any of his life.

I don’t really know what I want from this. I guess I just feel a bit alone in it all because on the outside we’re a happy family and I only have a couple of friends in RL that know what’s really going on.

It's not easy ! At all but I'm talking from the position in the future it is not fair and you're already taking blame onto yourself. I'm not trying to be harsh I did over a decade got out when dcs were both young, thought they were unaffected... turned out the eldest was aware ( absolutely shattered me ) then stuff continued on in contact with them. The absolute change in these kids since I pushed no contact is unreal I am so so proud of them but wracked with guilt that they had to tolerate anything other then love and respect.

Stop kicking the OP people. It's not helpful. You can't forum-shame women into leaving. Christ.

OP you're not wrong...it's extreme behaviour and very much designed to keep you in line. Next time you want the radio turned down how are you going to feel about saying so? Exactly.
Awful way to live. His previous family decided not to.

Unsure why you singled me out amongst the many more scathing replies than mine but hey ho. Perhaps because it is the least so. Instead of "standing up" to me , stand up to him. Tell him he is out of order.

He needs to accept that he needs to change, though.

Is HE scared enough of losing you, and seeing his DC only 50% of the time, to change? Or if you said you would leave, would he just accept that?

I am quite sure you understand that this is not a normal response on his behalf.

It doesn't matter what the argument was about or how petty you were. Smashing plates and throwing bottles is not a proportionate response to a situation like that.

He needs to accept this and deal with it or you need to decide whether you can take the risk of him taking it further one day

@MistletoeandJd I didn’t, no. I’d say things started changing around 2 years after my DC was born but so much changed in my life at the same time that it’s hard to know what is connected to what. His DC are now late teens and they are not entirely Nc with him but they have chosen not to live here this year. They have done mediation with him so from this I’d say they don’t want to be NC but they do want change.

Fucking hell! He behaves like that and you think you are the problem OP??

Sadly if losing his first two DC because of his temper (I know he’s trying to justify it with ‘oooh should have got a court order regret it now’ but the fact is his rage was the cause) wasn’t enough to make him change then this certainly won’t be

You need to make plans to leave

I'm going to go against the grain and say he has anger issues but is not abusive. The OP says he has never hurt any of them. Do none of you other posters ever have disagreements with your partners about petty things like radio volume or sniffing noises? This doesn't not equate to abuse.

Unless he is shouting in your face and not listening to your point of view. That would be abusive.

He lost his temper whilst on his own in the kitchen, then left the house. OP if you're going to stay together he needs to sort out his anger issues so that your DC doesn't learn them.

It’s a recent thing, his temper? What changed, and when?

Are his DC teens now, and getting their own opinions? Reading between the lines it sounds like he thinks a court order would have forced them to keep coming, but it’s (presumably) more complex than that. Is he controlling in other ways?

You’ve given a snapshot that sounds really concerning - smashing plates, damaging the property, taking your car, going radio silence. That’s why you’re getting such strong opinions on leaving - it’s a really concerning incident. And not a one-off you say.

But other than that you’ve not given much more detail about him - what changed from the man you co-parented his other DC with for 10 years? Why did his previous relationship break down? What’s triggered this flip to uncontrollable temper, if you didn’t see it before in over a decade with him?

Has he ever considered anger management therapy/classes? Given that his temper has already lost him his older children, it should have been the first option on his agenda.

You’ve not pushed him to the edge / made him upset; he’s a violent person who can’t control his temper. The dishes and hole in the wall is extreme and not normal. You say you don’t want to break the family up but do you want your kids growing up having this modelled to them as what a typical relationship looks like?Id also be worried in how it escalates, and whether he starts on you or the kids

No matter how much you try and bend backwards to appease him, these types always find something to get aggrieved about, so you’re in a losing battle

@Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky I do mostly think things are my fault. I know I must be coming across like a weak useless mother but I feel like I’m questioning myself all the time and maybe is partly why I worry about leaving. What if this is actually my behaviour and then my DC gets stuck with just my influence?

You want your child to not miss out on violent behaviour?

Thats the main memory your child will have from their childhood, I used to volunteer for a DV charity. It will shape your child more than you imagine currently. They may end up nervous, struggle to connect with people because of fear or they could end up being abused because to them it’s normal or become abusers themselves. It perpetuates violence.

Domestic violence costs the country 108 billion a year for context the NHS costs 156 billion. It is so normalised and most people have no idea of the extent of DV.Every week 3 women are killed, they do not make the headlines. The press decide who gets a spotlight not pretty or interesting enough for them ? they do not even get a mention.

If it’s getting to the holes in the wall stage then it’s very likely he will hit you at some point. If your lucky it will just be a bruise if your unlucky he may deliberately or accidently kill you or seriously injure you. Those poor women who I know who got bruised some of them were so crushed down they did consider themselves lucky to just be bruised.

Dear God.

He broke plates, threw a bottle & left a hole in the wall. He left & OP had to spend time making sure he was ok.

The preceding argument & nonsense about the radio wasn't great behaviour from either but in no way does it equate to the aggression he showed.

Abuse comes in a variety of forms - following this incident, OP would probably be reluctant to go against her partner's wishes, about the radio volume or anything else, again.

And it always escalates.

It’s not you.

You know that.

I can give you a look into the future. My exH is the exact same as yours. My dd1 15 is now so anxious she won't leave the house and is reporting him for all this type of behaviour as she feels her life is consumed by anger with him and he should be held accountable for ruining her life. He's never hit her it's all the exact same stuff you're saying. This is the future in this situation. You think you're doing the right thing by staying but I promise you, the damage is far worse when you stay with someone like this. You also have the benefit of seeing his older dc. You'll regret staying more than you ever will leaving

That's his abuse of you talking. That's what they do - my ex had me feeling utterly worthless & unlikeable. A decade on since I left him & I'm only beginning to value myself again.

Your DC needs stability, consistency & love.

Leaving this man is an act of love for them. They'll see that you cared enough about them to make this choice.

Everything that happens afterwards you can deal with in time.

One step at a time.

For the millionth time I wonder why women put up with this shit.

@NoSquirrels
his DC are teens now and yes part of this is definitely that they are now old enough to come and go as they please and he struggles to separate what is teenage stage of life and some greater conspiracy. He thinks they have been turned against him by their mother but in fact I think they just got sick of his moods and chose to live in a house without moods. He struggles to relate to them and I am sad because I think deep down they miss him.

They all went to mediation for a bit but it didn’t seem to move anything forward. He misses them massively and I do think he struggles to understand people. He wants to flick a switch and for people to be ok again - hence yes he saw a court order as a flick of a switch and never really saw that the DC would have had feelings involved.

Is he potentially neurodiverse? If he can’t empathise and struggles with black and white opinions on situations?

Say more about his moods, please - does he sulk, silent treatment etc? Does he often feel like everyone is ‘making him out to be the bad guy’?

I grew up with a dad like this. There were dents all over our house from where he had thrown things. I loved him a lot but he was very angry and shot up to 11 about any number of stupid things. He only ever did that to my mother, never to me. I was absolutely terrified that he would hurt her, and walked on eggshells myself all the time trying not to antagonise him as did my mum.

As an adult, in my personal life, I am terrified of other people's anger and my own, am horribly prone to appeasing at my own expense, and have been hugely anxious all my life. Any loud noise has me jumping out of my skin. My dad's behaviour has given me a lifelong legacy of fear. I can't say your kids will be the same - everyone is different and perhaps another kid living in my house would have been unaffected. But that is how it has been for me and it has been very hard.

I loved my dad a lot but I could see that it was no way to live and I wished my parents would split up. I still wish they had, because I was right - that is no way to live.

What you have to understand, OP, is that your partner behaves like this not because of what you have or haven't done but because he is full of anger that he does not - for whatever reason - control around you. No amount of walking on eggshells will stop this from happening because it is not to do with you. This behaviour is dangerous, and it is toxic to you and to your children. That doesn't mean that he doesn't also love you all or that you don't love him, but what's the cost of that? Seriously? And what if your kids learn that it's acceptable to behave like him, or - maybe worse - that it is normal and acceptable to be treated like this?

I would push him to get treatment and/or leave.

He seems emotionally immature and not able to learn from past experiences with his children. He maybe struggling to accept that his children from previous relationship are protected from his games by being no contact and he's lost control over decision making there which may be adding to his stress levels which in turn allows his mask to drop and you see him for who he really is, maybe.
I don't think you're selfish. I think you're being quite protective because he's already mentioned what he wished he'd done with court order - forcing a child to see him regardless of their feelings and this could be his thought process for your children once separated. I think it's very hard to decide whether it's safe to leave your child with a man who cannot control his tantrums during unsupervised visits especially experiencing his behaviour as an adult.
You are right though, he's over reacted to not getting his own way.

Oh lovey it’s really not you, it’s him! Think about it - He has a track record of broken relationships already due to his rage. This is him, not you.

@KnowThyself I must admit last night was the first time I actually felt nervous about what he might be doing and I locked all the doors from the inside which I do recognise is a massive thing. I hate that I’m sitting here with a worry about if he’s ok, far more than if I’m ok.
Sadly I’m probably following one of the paths you’ve mentioned. My mum had/has a nasty streak and last night I felt like a little child waiting to hear the tread on the stairs. Before anyone leaps on this, yes I know this is now the world I’m inviting my DC into. I promise this is all going in.

Sounds like you have all tolerated a lot of bad behaviour from him for years. Those teenagers have got the right idea by staying well out of the way. He sounds AWFUL.