Am I walking on eggshells or am I just hard to live with?

[Soundsliketrouble]

My DP and I had a falling out yesterday and he went out and hasn’t returned and I would value some outside perspectives.

We’d had a normal morning and I had made lunch for him and our DC. At the end of lunch we had a petty row (DC had left the room) about me switching the radio off to make lunch which spiralled into even more petty nit picking (apparently I sniff when I breathe lately).

I left the room and he whacked the radio up loud so I admit I was petty and turned it up even more via my phone and then I heard smashing in the kitchen and he stormed out with the dog.

He’d thrown all the dishes on the floor and thrown a bottle so hard at the wall it made a hole. I texted him saying that was extreme behaviour and not acceptable and suggested he booked himself into a hotel to chill out, which I assume he has done because he hasn’t come home. He’s taken my car and erased my profile on it so I can’t see where he’s gone.

This is far from the first time he’s lost his temper like this. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship who he is currently largely non contact with because of this temper. He’s never physically hurt any of us but I do feel intimidated by him when these situations happen.

I spent the evening feeling guilty that I’ve pushed him to get so upset (I finally managed to get him to confirm he was ok by threatening to call his parents) and on edge as to what he might be about to do and annoyed he’s behaved so extremely over something so silly.

I feel it was a silly row about difference of opinion - something that happens a lot and which I feel always results in me feeling bad for the things I’ve said, rather than him addressing the way he’s reacted. It’s exhausting and yes I know it’s toxic but I adore my DC and don’t want to bring him up in a split household because selfishly I love my DC so much I don’t want to miss out on any of his life.

I don’t really know what I want from this. I guess I just feel a bit alone in it all because on the outside we’re a happy family and I only have a couple of friends in RL that know what’s really going on.

The reason you don't understand that keeping your child in a household witnessing (however indirectly) a toxic relationship with a violent man for your own (self proclaimed) "selfish" needs, is wildly concerning. I see this all the time at work, you're a textbook mum with an abusive partner who can't see the wood for the trees and thinks that by staying and managing the behaviour, you're somehow 'saving' your child from being brought up by independent parents.

You are not acting protectively. You have actual living breathing proof in the form of his other children that he can't control his temper even when his relationship with his kids is on the line and yet you're still making excuses for him.

It won't carry on at this level, it will escalate. At some point you'll end up having to explain to social services why a teacher has done a MASH referral because your child said "daddy throws things at mummy and shouts a lot" and you'll realise you should have protected him when it was at the stage it is now.

Talk to women's aid. Talk to a therapist. Talk to anyone who can help you see that you are in an abusive relationship and can't see your way out. Find and establish some boundaries, before a social worker decides what those boundaries are for you.

Let’s be very clear you are letting your child down, very much so

by allowing his father to continue this behaviour and doing nothing about it. He will absolutely be aware of his fathers temper, and his father is absolutely not any sort of example, and nor are you by staying and allowing the abuse to continue

if you truly love your child you would do what’s best for them, and living in fear of someone losing their temper is not it, leaving his father and his father having much lower access than now is the way to go

But you have seen this kind of crap from your mum before. I’m no expert but sometimes we repeat the patterns of the past because they feel familiar.

, LTB

Dealing with your Mum's 'nasty streak' in the past and now, has made a blueprint for you in accepting life is having to accept bad and frightening behaviour...because you've dealt with it and think you are in control and able to deal with it now. It's 'normal' for you.

But it's not right, and it will affect your DC. Even a bad atmosphere now and then will be picked up and affect how he views the world and influence his behaviour as he grows. And you think your DC can't hear anything/can't pick it up? He can I bet. Your DP has a very bad temper and a history of already disrupting a family/marriage. He's doing it again. This will escalate if there isn't intervention and counselling, like now . But he's had enough time to do that, he hasn't.

Do right by your child. You say yourself the situation is exhausting, toxic and you keep it to yourself...because you know something is wrong. It's not a 'happy family' when you live with a brute.

I grew up with a parent who had suppressed anger, resentments and moods [no violence]. The atmosphere at times were terrible, awful. I still carry the effects of it all to this day in the form of anxiety, lack of confidence and walk on eggshells a lot of the time, not knowing when something is going to kick off.

Both of you need to grow up. He's an arsehole, both of you being petty, and you won't make the right decision to leave, or throw him out.