Why am I so damn unpopular?

[DeadFlowersInAVase]

Just that really.

I've always had problems with friendships. Not so much making them but keeping them.

I have a partner and 2 adult children but no friends. People just don't like me!

I'm not a people pleaser and I'm not an arsehole either. I'm reliable, not flakey, don't dominate conversations, remember things people have said and ask after them. I'm told I'm funny. I have good boundaries. Just a normal person really!

It really stands out to me because I also have a brother who I'm seeing over Christmas. All of his other days are booked up with seeing friends and doing stuff. And I don't understand it. He's grumpy and irascible (which has caused him to lose friends over the years) but he still has friends from school, university, work etc and has fallen out with a few (due to his behaviour) but they seem to have made up over the years and he still sees them. I don't understand it because he's selfish and self centred, dominates conversations and can be quite unpleasant at times. He's great company when he's not being like this but I don't think there's a single one of his friends who hasn't been on the end of one of his diatribes at some point.

My partner has friends he's known since school.

I know other people who have good strong friendships. People who have dubious political beliefs, who get too drunk and offend others.

People seem to like me well enough - colleagues, people I know socially, people through hobbies. But I don't actually have a single friend!

I mean, it can't just be that I have dead flowers in a vase. Can it..?

As the post went on I wondered if you were ND. My wife who I mentioned is very different to me and works best through shared interests is autistic. There are lots of random unwritten rules in British neurotypical culture that are hard to understand and I think that can be a real problem. She has met people through volunteering at scouts and work and we do stuff with our local women's circle. She does struggle with the maintaining friendships though just due to the maintenance skills involved. The challenges I mentioned is because I have loads of adhd type traits but also trauma experiences and probably attachment issues both of which I've done loads of work on. So difficult to be certain whether its adhd or that. I think it does mean that you end up with a smaller circle of people you click with. Plus at gigs you are generally not able to chat so it's not the best way of getting to know people. I don't think overthinking it will help though. Plus if you meet others who are neurodiverse they might find it harder to instigate chats so it might be more on you

You’re probably liked more than you think. You’re not peoples people, they are yours, you just don’t know that.

I find maintaining friendships hard. People can be difficult, I find animals easier 😳

I look at my daughter who has zero, but is bubbly, well liked, funny and pretty - she’s 25 and ‘can’t be arsed, people are so fake’ then one of my Saturday girls, same age, 100s of ‘friends’ though not a single one came to help her when she had some problems.

my son has lots of friends from primary school and school and uni, he’s 32 now - he had an 18th with 250 kids…..and a 30th (mainly the same people) my daughter couldn’t fill an en-suite with friends.

Merry Christmas @DeadFlowersInAVase hope you're having a good day

I can relate to this and have the same struggles as you. I have no words of advice as I haven't found the answer yet. I do struggle with having one to socialise with or a close friend to talk to. At nearly 40, how the hell do you make close friends ?

Thank you and merry Christmas too you too.

I've had a lovely day thanks. Spent a quiet one withy partner and one of my children because the other was working. I'm now in bed and shattered! 🤣

I've wiped out too but it's been lovely. Although from a crap presents thread am mildly sad noone got me a periscope