Why am I so damn unpopular?

[DeadFlowersInAVase]

Just that really.

I've always had problems with friendships. Not so much making them but keeping them.

I have a partner and 2 adult children but no friends. People just don't like me!

I'm not a people pleaser and I'm not an arsehole either. I'm reliable, not flakey, don't dominate conversations, remember things people have said and ask after them. I'm told I'm funny. I have good boundaries. Just a normal person really!

It really stands out to me because I also have a brother who I'm seeing over Christmas. All of his other days are booked up with seeing friends and doing stuff. And I don't understand it. He's grumpy and irascible (which has caused him to lose friends over the years) but he still has friends from school, university, work etc and has fallen out with a few (due to his behaviour) but they seem to have made up over the years and he still sees them. I don't understand it because he's selfish and self centred, dominates conversations and can be quite unpleasant at times. He's great company when he's not being like this but I don't think there's a single one of his friends who hasn't been on the end of one of his diatribes at some point.

My partner has friends he's known since school.

I know other people who have good strong friendships. People who have dubious political beliefs, who get too drunk and offend others.

People seem to like me well enough - colleagues, people I know socially, people through hobbies. But I don't actually have a single friend!

I mean, it can't just be that I have dead flowers in a vase. Can it..?

But you’re describing the role you want them to play in your life, and the things you want them there for, not the person. That’s what I meant. What type of person do you like and want to have in your life?

For instance, your male-dominated hobby is clearly important to you, and you say the men in your group are ‘friendly’, but you’re not friends. Why not? It seems like an obvious source of friends, with whom you have a key interest in common. It always seems to me that posters on here who would like more friends are often too quick to write off 50% of society as potential friends.

I wouldn't read too much into cancelling before Xmas, my friendship group all cancelled each other as we were all so busy and some were going away and so whilst we loved the idea of going out, we've moved it to after the Xmas period.

More generally, it sounds like you are expecting something of some of the friendships that may not be there, and perhaps can't identify which ones to move forward with- so the lady you've known for 4/5 years loves going to gigs, but she's not up for lunch as well, probably too busy and happy to meet up on nights out, so I wouldn't ask there again. Having a friend you can meet for nights out though is a great thing, I have lots of talking/coffee friends but would struggle to rustle someone up for a gig, so you have something I don't have, if you see what I mean.

What you seem to be missing is the honest chats and deeper friendship and all I can say is that it takes a long time to develop that and not all the friendships have the capacity for that. I wouldn't say couple friends mostly are like that unless one of you is good friends in advance, that's a different type of socializing.

It seems to me that you don't quite see what you have got (couple friends, a friend to go out with for gigs) and so it's translated into' I'm unpopular' rather than - I'd like a couple of deeper friendships so I could be myself and chat about our lives, and so you aren't targeting the right places or people quite to achieve that, which takes a long time and may happen a bit more spontaneously anyway.

When I've been a bit lonely or my best friend left town, I've always looked for someone like me, a bit on the edges perhaps, keen to make new friends, rather than go into the middle of a set up or popular group or couples. Meet Up groups are quite good as everyone wants to meet new people, it's in the spec, if you like! Whereas if you meet people at the school gate, or at work, you don't necessarily know who has space in their lives for new friends (I don't now for example).

You sound interesting and proactive, but I'd suggest things once and then wait. There's so much flakiness since Covid, it's taken us about a year in my different friendship groups to get up and running again without people cancelling all the time and re-establish some of the friendships.

Honestly? I've found it to he more trouble than it's worth in the past.

I've no problem at all with male friends and I've had them previously but the men either aren't interested in being friends or are motivated to be friends for the wrong reasons.

We get on well enough but are more like drinking buddies than friends. I wouldn't call any of them for a chat, invite any of them out one to one or message them lutside of the group chat.

Often people you share hobbies with are acquaintances, and the hobby is the thing in common and they only see each other in relation to the hobby.

I also think that when people talk about their many friends, a lot of them are mere acquaintances.

So that's a friend who you go to gigs with? I think it can help to recognise that lots of friendships are specific to a given aspect of our lives. I have a friend I've known for decades. She will go out to the theatre with me, meet for coffee and for dinner/lunch with me. But will never come to my house, has never invited me to hers, won't go out walking with me. I know she goes for walks with other friends and has other friends around to her house, so this is just a quirk of our friendship. She has put me in the box marked 'theatre and dinner outings friend.' I don't mind.

I have had years like this. Then other years when I am busy with friends. It is weird but friendships ebb and flow.

That's probably true.

I suppose I'm just thinking that there's no one who would think to message to ask how I am. No one who would think, I haven't heard from Dead for a while. I hope she's OK.

Whereas I do periodically check in on other people just because I've thought of them or wonder how they are.

I do tend to view those situation specific people as close acquaintances though rather than friends. They're people I know but we probably wouldn't know the names of each other's children or when our birthdays are. That sort of thing.

We're not part of each other's lives in any meaningful sense at all.

I feel like I have lots of 'people I know' but not any real friends.

No one I could call on in an emergency or to share good news with.

That sort of thing.

How many friends you have is usually far less about your qualities as a person than how much effort you go to to invite people to do stuff with you. If you asked a colleague for a drink after work they'd probably say yes. Then you suggest something else that suits them and they'd enjoy and off you go. There's also some luck involved, school/uni friends who are the type to want to maintain old friendships. Being in the right place at the right time. Oh, and not being that fussy. Take your brother for example. He may well not care about who his friends are, whether they're good company or he has anything in common with them, as long as they listen to him, they'll do.

It's quite hard to make friends as an adult, I think. If you haven't carried friends over from school, uni, or first jobs, then it can be tricky to make friends later on.

Most people are just busy - they have a partner, kids, maybe an existing friend group. In your thirties and forties, a lot of people are working and bringing up kids, and they don't have energy to invest in new friendships. I wouldn't question yourself too much. It's far more likely that people are just busy and tired.

Have you thought about volunteering? There's so many things you can do, and you'll find a lot of people volunteer because they have time on their hands, which means they're more open to making an effort with new friends. Worth a try?

Also, I meant to add, it's good to take the focus off yourself and do something for others. A lot of people are lonely, especially older people. You could do something like join a befriending group, where you chat on the phone or visit someone on a regular basis. It might be just the thing you need to fill that bit of a gap in your life.

I have very recently lost my last remaining friend from school (we’re 28/29 now) and it feels crap. Nothing happened between us, but contact has just slowly dwindled down to nothing. The last time we spoke was 2 weeks ago. It now leaves me with no friends. I think I know how you feel OP. There are some terrible people out there who rightfully have no friends, but there are others who are great people too, it just happens. Basically it’s not you! Sorry I can’t be anymore help, I’m still figuring this out too!

@KnittedPond So none of these qualities are attractive to you in a friend? What would attract you, just out of interest?

Sometimes I think all of this is sheer luck.

@DeadFlowersInAVase you have your partner and adult children to call in emergencies though?

I'm at the stage where I'm less bothered about friendship but my lack of "help in emergency" people really worries me.

@jotex Two weeks isn't a long time though?

I'm 47 and recently had a school friend (living 100s of miles away) say to me "please do keep calling. I'm not good at calling but I do really want to hear from you". I find that odd.

@BenjaminBunnyRabbit I work in healthcare now which is the best fit so far. However, I find multi-tasking challenging (and exhausting). I'm good with people one on one because I'm caring, but I struggle with sensory overload.

It's interesting that I picked a female dominated career, given everything else. It was a practical choice as much as anything. I'd be much happier working from home and/or being a writer - something I'm working towards.

I've wondered about being on the spectrum but I feel ASD is being over diagnosed these days and I don't think I quite fit.

I'm enjoying life way too much with my cats these days.

I can really relate to this too :-)

The replies have depressed me, even though it's just confirmation of what I know to be true.

I have the kind of personality that whilst nice doesn't attract friendships, my current opportunities to meet new people are limited and the majority of people have far older networks of friends. Not that I'll give up but fuck me it's not easy.

Hi all. I feel I am in the same situation.
I know so many people but don’t have a really close friend/friends that I am really connected to. At first glance due to the fact I’m confident and chatty you may think I have tons of close friends but I’m lonely. I chat to everyone and know everyone at my kids clubs/ classes etc but I would really like a friend to text and be there for.

I always had this and now I don’t. And it sucks.

I also like gigs and music. I like arts and crafts. Walking. Reading. I’ll try almost anything. My friends were usually connected to the music scene I like.

I think i struggle showing vulnerability I have reasons for this but I was always this way. I think it’s harder as you get older. I’m dreading my kids leaving primary as it think it will get worse and although I rarely do a school run the one day a week I do I see as fun and I always chat to people.

This, and a few other threads, have left me really puzzled over what people are looking for in a friend.

I have resting smiley face, but all it does is attract people who want to tell you their woes - especially if they are drunk on the Tube!

This ⬆️

This doesn't make sense to me at all. Being friends (to me) doesn't mean speaking daily or weekly. Contact could be monthly or quarterly, or even less frequently. I still care about those friends and look forward to the contact we DO have. They are definitely still friends.

I totally agree with this. I meet with close friends between 2-6 times per year typically and with one friend who is abroad it could be 2-3 years before we see one another. Contact could be monthly with some friends. I’m not a big texter/phoner. What’s app is family and group chats.

Showing vulnerability also makes people run a mile I find...(no pun intended for the poster with a run buddy).

I totally get it @DeadFlowersInAVase ! I feel similar at times - I’m always the instigator and seem to know a lot of people, but not enough who care to check in on me or plan something with me.
I do have a couple of close friends, but it’s still usually me taking the lead more so than them but they’re proactive in other ways.

not sure what the answer is! DH has fewer friends than me so we just watch a lot of telly together 🥴

This thread has hit way too close to home. I have friends, but they’re more ‘mates’. I try to be open and vulnerable but must miss the mark. Ask people to go places and they often either cancel or say no. I check in with people, because all the articles online say that maintaining regular contact is key, and I’m genuinely interested in their lives and wellbeing and I’m there for them if they need me…but it doesn’t really turn into anything deeper.

It’s like there’s a ceiling…I get as far as that ceiling in being a mate, but don’t know how to turn that into a real friendship. I’d love a best mate. Never mind a group who could be bridesmaids one day. Or to be close to my family. But…I don’t know how.

Maybe we could start a Billy No Mates Club, @DeadFlowersInAVase?

Are you someone who always seems ‘fine!’. Like they don’t need anyone / want anyone ?
connected with the showing vulnerability thing, people who are open and honest, even if it’s showing less appealing parts of themselves, I find make deeper friendships.
I am friendly, kind , big hearted, positive and happy but also find it hard to make deep and meaningful friendships . Lots of aquantances who I know like my company.
I think it is because I am quite self sufficient , never ask for help, never show that I’m having a rough day etc. and perhaps that means that I am not of people’s radar so much - they don’t think ‘oh, I’ll drop Sunny a message - see how she is.’ Because Sunny is always ok’ (Of course this isn’t the reality!).
perhaps with your brother’s example - he isn’t afraid to show ‘cracks’ in his person, show that he is flawed - and perhaps people find that relatable.

Reading with interest, as I sometimes feel like this. I never really seem to fit in or be the person that would invite for a coffee one to one. Not really sure why.