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Original poster

Is this fair to spend this much time with his family over the holidays?

95 replies

emilycurtisxx · 20/12/2023 15:48

Long story short my husbands sister has text him a whole itinerary of what is going on over the holidays with plans from 24th up until 30th eg xmas eve at her house, xmas day at the mums, 29th we are babysitting the kids, 30th going to a lights show etc etc. This is our first year as husband and wife; and I mentioned that I am getting a little worried that all the plans are with his family and he accused me of not really being family orientated? I explained that my cousin is going over to my brothers house for the week and I would want to see them and he said well invite them over to our house then (he knows that my brothers wife does not like driving and wont drive 45minutes to us unfortunately)

When I said that we can see my family on the evening of the 29th he said let me check what I will miss at my familys house :/ It all seems very organised; he said that all the plans got discussed before they were firmed up but I wasn't involved in any of the planning. I just feel like if we have children am I going to be looked down on to want to spend Christmas eve with my own little family? I am not used to having a big family so I do quite like my alone time with my little unit dogs own house cooking my own traditions etc. He says we haven't got kids yet so I shouldn't be worried about that type of stuff but I can't help but wonder what his priorities would be.

OP posts:
EVHead · 20/12/2023 15:52

You need to be assertive about what you want to do at Christmas. Do it now, this year.

Don’t go along with what he wants for a quiet life. You’ll regret it next Christmas, the Christmas after and so on until you make a change.

It may be that you spend time apart over Christmas. There is a mismatch in your expectations, but he’s wrong to criticise you because your idea of “normal” is different to his.

There’s room for compromise if he’s willing. But don’t, under any circumstances, acquiesce to what he wants and let him ride roughshod over what you want.

spookehtooth · 20/12/2023 16:17

What was it like before you were married?

Either way PP nailed it, assert your wishes and negotiate from this year. It only gets harder if you wait until next year or the one after.

If it bothers him, point out your lack of involvement in planning as part of the problem, and make clear he needs to discuss with you before making plans for both of you. This could become an issue for more than just Christmas, he might fail to consult you before committing to other things too

TedMullins · 20/12/2023 16:19

Agree with asserting your wishes. If you want to see your brother and cousin just go. He can join you if he wants or go round to his family’s on his own.

Spottywombat · 20/12/2023 16:21

Yep, if you don't stand your ground this year, you'll struggle in future years.

I would not be planning DC yet. It sounds engulfing and I wouldn't cope at all with that sort of schedule.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 20/12/2023 16:31

Well either you're going to have to spend time apart, with him at his family and you at yours, or you both have to sit down and decide when you'll both be with his family and when you'll both be with your family. He does not get to complain that you aren't "family-oriented" and then refuse to spend time with your family! Fair amounts of time - he doesn't get more time with his just cos they are super organised.

If you want time with just you and him, decide what you'll be doing with that time (make a tradition!) and talk to him about it. Point out that he is family-oriented and you are now his closest family member.

Also, when it says "29th we are babysitting the kids" - who is babysitting? If it's you and dh, were you personally asked? Because if not that looks like the ideal day for you to have to yourself; doesn't take two to babysit (unless you really like the kids, obvs)

Daleksatemyshed · 20/12/2023 16:36

Obviously he's used to his family taking over at Christmas but your DH needs to see that just because you're married now doesn't mean you have no plans of your own. Some families do seem to think once you're married into their family your own family doesn't matter and his lot sound very overbearing. If you don't make a stand this year you'll be back on MN in a few years complaining that your ILs take over everything, Christmas, birthdays, Easter and if your have DC they'll invade your holidays as well.
You need to make your DH see that you aren't going to forget your own family for his

BoohooWoohoo · 20/12/2023 16:41

Agree with asserting your wishes because happens this year will be linked to what happens from now onwards. If you spend 3 days with his family then ask him which days you (as a couple) are spending with yours ? It’s completely unacceptable for him to assume that the whole Christmas will be spent with just his family.

BoohooWoohoo · 20/12/2023 16:41

Even worse that there were plans and you weren’t available to reserve some time away from his side of the family.

SequentialAnalyst · 20/12/2023 16:42

He's fitting you into his old life.
But now you are married, things are different - you have a life together.
Definitely sort this out this year. There are lots of unspoken rules that partners bring to a marriage, tending to assume the other has the same rules. (eg guests don't wash up (me) vs guests wash up as a token of thanks (Lovely Man)). You may need to able to address them as they come up by having adult-adult conversations.

Christmasmug · 20/12/2023 16:59

Agree with PP's, assert yourself now before any of this becomes the norm. He needs to understand that your own family traditions and the new ones you make as a couple need to be incorporated alongside his family's, he doesn't get to unilaterally decide how you will both spend your holidays. All you're asking for is equal consideration so don't be browbeaten by 'but it's what we always do', what about what you/your family 'always do'?

justgotosleepffs · 21/12/2023 07:32

I would expect Christmas to be busier now thst you're married, but that would be because of juggling between two sides of the family. How does your husband justify spending all the time with his family and none with your side?
Once you're married you both have to compromise: i would prefer to spend the whole time with my own side of the family but I know I need to split between them and the inlaws; why does your DH not see this?
What did you do last Christmas before you were married?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 21/12/2023 07:38

What was Christmas like last year OP?

And like another poster has said, do not plan to get PG anytime soon, it sounds as though your wishes aren't even heard, never mind discussed. Double down on your contraception Flowers

LydiaTomos · 21/12/2023 07:43

I would get your own calendar out and decide between you which days you see his and your family and which days to spend alone. The two of you are the family unit now, and it's not up to the sister to decide for you.

SheerLucks · 21/12/2023 07:52

EVHead · 20/12/2023 15:52

You need to be assertive about what you want to do at Christmas. Do it now, this year.

Don’t go along with what he wants for a quiet life. You’ll regret it next Christmas, the Christmas after and so on until you make a change.

It may be that you spend time apart over Christmas. There is a mismatch in your expectations, but he’s wrong to criticise you because your idea of “normal” is different to his.

There’s room for compromise if he’s willing. But don’t, under any circumstances, acquiesce to what he wants and let him ride roughshod over what you want.

This!!

I feel sorry for your poor extended family, having your DP dictate that you need to choose his family over spending time with your own.

Nip this in the bud now!

QueSyrahSyrah · 21/12/2023 07:53

Absolutely assert yourself now. We have a similar situation, DH's Mum comes from overseas at Christmas and spends 3 weeks here (staying with another relative nearby). He'll go visit most days for the 3 weeks which though lovely for them even he admits is hugely disruptive to our normal life.

I ask for one day just for us, the 25th (his family are a nationality that celebrate on the 24th anyway). Yesterday DH text and asked can his Mum come to ours on the 25th. No. I'm sorry; but no. She won't be on her own, he's welcome to go to her, she can come to us any other day, but I'll be at home in my PJs, being quiet and speaking to my family that we don't see at Christmas, not hosting.

Maybe that makes me a twat but honestly after the past few months we've had and at 4 months pregnant and knackered I'm beyond caring!!

ReTrainTheBrain · 21/12/2023 07:56

You don't have to do everything together. If he doesn't want to come with you, you go by yourself. If you don't fancy an event then don't go.
If you set this up from now, it will save you from a lot of issues in the future.

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/12/2023 07:58

Unless you are firm now this will be the routine every single Christmas.

Time to say no and only do what you want. Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year, very little would persuade me to go to someone else's house.

StragglyTinsel · 21/12/2023 08:02

I agree with the others. You need to assert yourself now.

You are married now, which makes you the unit. He needs to recognise this. His previous pattern of Christmas in his family was what he did before he was married. Now the two of you plan your collective Christmas - and ensure you engage with both extended families in the way that works for you both.

Yes, you don’t need to do everything together. But that can’t be him carrying on like usual and you making your own plans. There needs to be a mindset shift.

The fact he thinks it’s fine that none of this was even discussed with you is terrible. He’s just assumed you’ll do as you’re told and fit in with him. Is he usually this selfish?

Olika · 21/12/2023 08:03

Your husbands sounds selfish. Absolutely unacceptable to expect it all to be about his side. Stay firm and go and visit your side and do your own things. He can participate in all of his family plans himself.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2023 08:15

How was it before you got married? He sounds quite uncompromising - it's not really fair of him

GoodOldEmmaNess · 21/12/2023 08:32

Family styles are different and I don't think that they have been unreasonable in presenting all their normal christmas planning to you both in this way. But similarly it is perfectly reasonable, good and important for you to make sure that your needs and those of your side of the family are accommodated.
Try not to feel resentful or angry, though, while you are letting them know how much you can and can't fall in with their plans. Really, there is nothing necessarily selfish or inconsiderate about how they are behaving, (especially since you don't have children, which massively takes the pressure out of christmas arrangements).
Make sure that, when you require them to make space for your own arrangements, you are doing so simply because you want to see your own family, not because you feel 'looked down on' - which is almost certainly an illusion on your part

AndyPandyismyhero · 21/12/2023 09:20

You say this is your first Christmas as a married couple. Is it your first Christmas together? Because I am wondering how you could not have known the level of involvement he has with his family at Christmas - unless this is the first time it has happened? Regardless, he is being very selfish with his attitude. Even before we were married, my mother and MIL were telling us what our Christmas plans would be for the foreseeable future. We really did not want our Christmas to always be decided by our mother's so we decided there and then that Christmas day would be our day, usually spent on our own, relaxing and enjoying our time together. With only one or two exceptions, which only showed us our original decision was totally correct, that approach stood us in good stead for around 35 years. Things are a little different now our DC's are adults with their own families and we usually see one, or both of them on Christmas day, either here or in their home. But they both know they are not in any way obliged to spend Christmas with us - we would never put them in that situation. We certainly took some flak for our decision in the early days, but I am so glad we made that stand at the outset.
I know it is hard OP, but your DH needs to understand that you are, or should be, his primary family now and you should be including decision making about how time is spent and that you are entitled to see your family as well.

SequinsandSparkle · 21/12/2023 09:23

Let your husband do all that, you pick and choose. If it wasn’t discussed with you, say youve already got plans. If you dont put your foot down now, youll get railroaded every year

Burntouted · 21/12/2023 10:14

This!!

Op you two don't have to do everything together. Go and see your family if you want to. Don't agree to babysitting if you don't want to.

He's allowed to spend holidays and see his family. If you want to go with him and be included..speak up. He is not a mind reader.

He assumes that you aren't familiar oriented from your previous actions and behaviors. If you've been distant and not really involved or interacting with his family, he is rightful in his assumptions.

If you're a withdraw person who is introverted..he is right in his assumptions.

You knew beforehand who you were marrying. He is family oriented. You aren't. ..so much or at all.

You are a priority, and so is his family.

You two sound incompatible.

You two shouldn't have children together.
You'd only get mad at them too, especially if they are big on extended family, perhaps extroverted and you aren't.

He's right. Stop thinking about children and concentrate on the current.

Don't have children by him.

Perhaps you two should have ended things a long time ago.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/12/2023 10:16

DisforDarkChocolate · Today 07:58
**
Unless you are firm now this will be the routine every single Christmas.
**
Time to say no and only do what you want. Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year, very little would persuade me to go to someone else's house”

This.