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Original poster

Is this fair to spend this much time with his family over the holidays?

95 replies

emilycurtisxx · 20/12/2023 15:48

Long story short my husbands sister has text him a whole itinerary of what is going on over the holidays with plans from 24th up until 30th eg xmas eve at her house, xmas day at the mums, 29th we are babysitting the kids, 30th going to a lights show etc etc. This is our first year as husband and wife; and I mentioned that I am getting a little worried that all the plans are with his family and he accused me of not really being family orientated? I explained that my cousin is going over to my brothers house for the week and I would want to see them and he said well invite them over to our house then (he knows that my brothers wife does not like driving and wont drive 45minutes to us unfortunately)

When I said that we can see my family on the evening of the 29th he said let me check what I will miss at my familys house :/ It all seems very organised; he said that all the plans got discussed before they were firmed up but I wasn't involved in any of the planning. I just feel like if we have children am I going to be looked down on to want to spend Christmas eve with my own little family? I am not used to having a big family so I do quite like my alone time with my little unit dogs own house cooking my own traditions etc. He says we haven't got kids yet so I shouldn't be worried about that type of stuff but I can't help but wonder what his priorities would be.

OP posts:
Burntouted · 21/12/2023 10:37

This doesn't seem like he nor they are being selfish...nor inconsiderate.

If you've been around awhile, you know this is what they do. Family time..

Is he not around and make you a priority any other time??

Did you not know each other nor date long to not understand and be shown their family dynamics, and how they are during Christmas???

Personally, this doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

If you want to see your family, go see your family. You don't need him there to see your own family.

If you want to go with him go. If you don't want to babysit, don't. If you just want to sit at home, do that.

If you don't like how things are, speak up.

Why would you want him to go with you, when you know that he wouldn't have a good time, and he would be thinking about his family?
Perhaps he doesn't even like your family ...perhaps he thinks they're boring even

StragglyTinsel · 21/12/2023 13:12

It doesn’t seem like he’s been inconsiderate or selfish? Seriously.

It all seems very organised; he said that all the plans got discussed before they were firmed up but I wasn't involved in any of the planning.

Do married men not make Christmas plans with their wives as standard?

His family organising stuff and inviting you - if you’d like to come - is totally fair enough. But you’d think that he’d be planning their first Christmas together as a married couple with the OP, not just telling her what he is doing?

One of the first signs that I’d made a massive mistake with STBXH was that our first Christmas in our new marital home, he in no way consulted me and just told me that he was fucking off to his mum’s Boxing Day to the 30th. I was pregnant and still the man gave absolutely no thought to discussing Christmas plans with me. I wouldn’t have stopped him going to see his family (although of course they didn’t invite me - recurring theme); it was his total lack of care and consideration that made it quite clear that our marriage was not his priority (which became an ever more obvious recurring theme until I left him).

It is basic courtesy to sit down and make
decisions with your wife.

perfectcolourfound · 21/12/2023 13:29

Is this just about Christmas? Because he's coming across as selfish and not considering your feelings or wants, and putting his family's and his wishes ahead of yours.

If he's like that, he's probably like that in other areas of life too.

You are right - this is an issue that will get much worse if you have children. But in any case, right now it's an issue. Your husband has made plans without considering you or consulting you. He then delivers them to you as a done deal, and is upset that you don't want to do all those things, and seems not even to consider you might want to see your own family or just to have time alone or as a couple.

You have to put your foot down now. If you go along for an easy ride this year, you will feel resentment, you will have a Christmas you didn't want, and you will set his and his family's expectations that they can treat you like this every year. Next year it will 'but you were OK with it last year, it's you that's changed not us'.

Focus on the Christmas YOU want. Yes there will be compromise - on both sides - but you need to avoid having a Christmas that is 90% what he and his family want, and 10% what you want. If your husband objects to that, you have a much bigger problem.

ChubbyMorticia · 21/12/2023 18:48

“Family oriented means my family too. Not just yours. And I’d like to start some traditions for our family: you and me.”

It’s ridiculous, imo, to have anyone’s extended family dominate holidays.

ZenNudist · 21/12/2023 18:55

If there's no dc then just do your own thing.

I think its too much to spend every day with his family but equally if you see each other all the time then its fine for him to go to family. Id go with him once and i would insist he then comes with you to your family too.

Maybe compromise: couple of days his family, couple of days your family, couple of days seeing friends together or spending time the two of you.

Pumpkinpie1 · 21/12/2023 19:19

OP your husband seems to have forgotten you are his family now.
Your family and his are his extended family , they don’t make the decisions, that’s up to you as a couple.
This one sided preferential treatment of his family needs to be nipped in the bud, with both sides given the same amount of time. Why on earth are you being volunteered for babysitting for SIL - very entitled .
Start as you mean to go on , you have a choice .

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2023 19:22

Your DH is just doing what he wants under the guise of ‘family’ but totally ignoring yours.

I would say, ‘well, loads of those things may have been discussed but not with me, so I’m only going to x,y and z.’

See your family when you want and don’t babysit anyone’s kids if you don’t want to!

GreatGateauxsby · 21/12/2023 20:58

spookehtooth · 20/12/2023 16:17

What was it like before you were married?

Either way PP nailed it, assert your wishes and negotiate from this year. It only gets harder if you wait until next year or the one after.

If it bothers him, point out your lack of involvement in planning as part of the problem, and make clear he needs to discuss with you before making plans for both of you. This could become an issue for more than just Christmas, he might fail to consult you before committing to other things too

Yep you need to negotiate for year 1
and be quite firm.
if you have…to he does his thing and you do yours…

you should also pre agree if you are ever having kids (we agreed Christmas would always be in our house from bays 1st until youngest is 10 UNLESS mutually agreed eg someone offers us a free Disney holiday at Christmas etc)

Set your stall out early next year because your SIL has shown her hand so get your stuff in and book welllll in advance (like Easter /summer)
I’d also “ask” for more than I want that way I have concessions to offer in the negotiations… 😉

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 21:16

I think you need to elaborate. What did you do at Christmas before you were married?

CrotchetyQuaver · 21/12/2023 21:29

Now you're married you need to start the way you mean to go on regarding family Christmas arrangements, which means having a word with your DH and deciding TOGETHER what you'll be doing with each side of the family. It should be as equal as possible. sounds like he will be doing the compromising. Then presumably you'll want some time just the 2 of you as well? The grief I got particularly from my in-laws but also my own parents for our first Christmas together, because we insisted we were having our first married Christmas Day to ourselves, no visitors or visiting. I was pregnant so knew all the following years they'd be with us enjoying the baby. The in-laws laid on a guilt trip of a Boxing Day and we had to have Christmas dinner all over again 😂. Very important that you both agree/compromise over this because it sets the pattern for all the similar events that will come.

SD1978 · 21/12/2023 22:04

Is Christmas always like this with his family, were you aware it was a week long event for him with his family? I would not be going along with this. Your family is just as important. Work out a day you want to go to your brother, stick with it, and do not be intimidated into changing it. He has no right to assume you will join in the weeks events with no consultation, and if you don't make that obvious now, you will be resentful until the day you divorce........

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 21/12/2023 22:07

Well I would like some time by ourself yes. But he says why would we sit indoors on our own when my family has all these plans?! Like I’m being an absolute asshole for wanting to do something alone with him. He’s even accused me of wanting to live in solitude. I said about I want to start my own traditions and he said well do so then.. I guess I like to talk about things before doing them but maybe he needs to be told. The latest is he wants to see his niece and nephew who are in town for 2 weeks over Christmas open their Xmas presents. Ok fair enough. He said he might stay over Christmas Eve (I said I don’t want too) then he said ok but he will be driving over at 6am to sit with his niece and nephew open there Xmas presents. When I said I don’t want to wake up at 5.30 Xmas day to go and do that again I feel like a terrible selfish person. :(

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 22:13

OP, how long have you been together and what did you do on previous Christmases?

Cornishclio · 21/12/2023 22:23

He is prioritising his family over you so you need to be assertive and stand your ground or you will be railroaded into doing what he wants every Christmas. Pick the things you want to do and decide when you want to see your family or just have alone time at home with or without him. He does sound selfish.

festivetinseling · 21/12/2023 22:31

He appears to have forgotten that you and he are now a separate family unit, the two of you, and that you are equals. Therefore you should both have an equal say in this.

He's being extremely unfair on you, his WIFE, by prioritising everybody (including himself) except you. It's like your family and your feelings don't count at all.

You need to absolutely put your foot down and point this out to him.

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 21/12/2023 22:50

Thank you. I also feel he is prioritising family over me. But he’s answer is but his niece and nephew are in town and of course he would want to see them open presents, like I am being the unreasonable one. I feel terrible when trying to put my foot forward. You’re right I will just let him go without me but that’s my concern, will things change when we have children?
to the person that said we are equals, he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship” so I guess you are bang on when you mention the equal thing, his actions are showing me that he doesn’t think we are. I want to stick to the point though, am I being unreasonable not wanting to do all this stuff. And will I ever be a priority. He makes me think I am INSANE and selfish when I try to explain how I feel.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 21/12/2023 22:55

It's reasonable to want some time together and to spend time with both families.

I'd suggest you compromise. Christmas to new year is roughly a week so say you each get 4 days to choose how to spend it. And what ever days you get it's alternated the following year. So he could decide Xmas eve, Xmas day, 28th, 29th are with his family and you could say Boxing Day, 27th with your family and chill together 30,31st. Then following year you swap.

If he's not willing to compromise on stuff like this it will only get more complicated once /if you have kids.

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 23:06

Just go back to doing whatever you were doing before. It was obviously working. Why has he changed? You need to ask him.

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 21/12/2023 23:07

We have been out the country both years previous. We lived in a different country.

OP posts:
Gowlett · 21/12/2023 23:12

My sister’s in-laws are like this. There’s loads of them, it’s like the Waltons. There is something going on in everyone’s house / going out nearly every night over Christmas. She loves hanging out with them. Whereas, she won’t even sit down in my house. She doesn’t stick around in my parents’ either, but would happily be fed & watered all day by her MIL.

caringcarer · 21/12/2023 23:18

There are 9 days from Xmas Eve to New Year's Eve. Tell him you want 3 with your family and 2 just the 2 of you. That leaves 4 for his family. I don't think he can argue with that. If he refuses to go with you to your family then you refuse to go to his family with him. Make him see how unfair he is being. He can babysit as he's arranged this without consulting you, whilst you see your brother and cousin. Organise 2 special days for you as just a couple. If you don't your identity will be swallowed up into his families.

43ontherocksporfavor · 21/12/2023 23:19

Now that you’re married Christmas plans are yours to make, not to be dictated to you. If his family have plans you two together ca decide which plans you would like to be part of. Nobody can please everyone.
Be prepared to stand your ground and if need be see your family in your own and let him go on his own.

Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 23:21

So your marriage coincided with a massive change in circumstances and you didn't know what you were in for. I'm guessing the Christmases you spent alone together were happy occasions?

He isn't being fair; his priority should be you. Nieces and nephews for example, are not a priority. He can still see them, but there needs to be a balance and some compromises.

Here's what I would personally do. You've explained some of the things you want: time at home, time with your family. You're equally willing to spend some time with his family. I would divide those holiday days into 3. A third you spend with his family, a third with yours, a third at home on your own. If he won't join you in this very reasonable, balanced plan, then do it without him. I'm not joking. To me this is the only way to start out as you mean to go on. Otherwise this could end up being the pattern for the rest of your marriage, not just Christmas.

So do it now. That way you can find out if this is someone you can be comfortable having children with and being with forever.

Lala727 · 21/12/2023 23:22

One person should lead the relationship?!

43ontherocksporfavor · 21/12/2023 23:24

No way is it reasonable to sit with his niece and nephew at 6am . This is not normal. Who does that? Bad enough with your own kids! 😂
Id be very wary about having kids with this man. Have a good think about this relationship.

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