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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this fair to spend this much time with his family over the holidays?

95 replies

emilycurtisxx · 20/12/2023 15:48

Long story short my husbands sister has text him a whole itinerary of what is going on over the holidays with plans from 24th up until 30th eg xmas eve at her house, xmas day at the mums, 29th we are babysitting the kids, 30th going to a lights show etc etc. This is our first year as husband and wife; and I mentioned that I am getting a little worried that all the plans are with his family and he accused me of not really being family orientated? I explained that my cousin is going over to my brothers house for the week and I would want to see them and he said well invite them over to our house then (he knows that my brothers wife does not like driving and wont drive 45minutes to us unfortunately)

When I said that we can see my family on the evening of the 29th he said let me check what I will miss at my familys house :/ It all seems very organised; he said that all the plans got discussed before they were firmed up but I wasn't involved in any of the planning. I just feel like if we have children am I going to be looked down on to want to spend Christmas eve with my own little family? I am not used to having a big family so I do quite like my alone time with my little unit dogs own house cooking my own traditions etc. He says we haven't got kids yet so I shouldn't be worried about that type of stuff but I can't help but wonder what his priorities would be.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 21/12/2023 23:27

Did you live together before you married? I would double up on contraception at the moment. To be honest if it were me I wouldn't stay married to somebody like this because I would look into the future and I would hate it. You need to really think about whether this is the right man for you.

Original poster
emilycurtisxx · 21/12/2023 23:36

Thanks for this. But I told him that I should be the priority and number one as that’s my expectation in marriage and he sort of rolls his eyes like I’m a crazy loon talking nonsense and just nagging him to death. He says I’m trying to control his life.
I’m pleased to hear nephew and nieces should not be priority because I felt I was going mad. I get it they are from a few hours away, but it’s not like he won’t see them over the two weeks. He HAS to see them open presents and any other suggestion that he shouldn’t then he’s disgusted with me. Thanks that’s a good idea about a third with each. I’ll try it but he says that it’s not his fault that I “get sick of my own family and want time alone” and he doesn’t.

OP posts:
margotrose · 22/12/2023 00:17

he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship

Run.

SequentialAnalyst · 22/12/2023 00:19

Absolutely what @margotrose said.

Firefly2009 · 22/12/2023 00:24

caringcarer · 21/12/2023 23:18

There are 9 days from Xmas Eve to New Year's Eve. Tell him you want 3 with your family and 2 just the 2 of you. That leaves 4 for his family. I don't think he can argue with that. If he refuses to go with you to your family then you refuse to go to his family with him. Make him see how unfair he is being. He can babysit as he's arranged this without consulting you, whilst you see your brother and cousin. Organise 2 special days for you as just a couple. If you don't your identity will be swallowed up into his families.

This OP.

And I would say to him, I'm spending these two days at home, these 3 days with my family, I hope you will join me.

If he won't, then you don't go to his family.

Let him see now how you deal with his unreasonable behaviour.
And you will get to see your family too, which is important. And time at home, which is also important, whether he is there or not.

His reaction will also give you more information moving forward.

HeddaGarbled · 22/12/2023 00:35

It’s the difference between him walking along his own path and wanting you to walk along it beside him and the two of you forging your own path together. The first sounds nice superficially until you realise it’s his path. The second makes for a healthier and more equal relationship.

Olika · 22/12/2023 05:29

HeddaGarbled · 22/12/2023 00:35

It’s the difference between him walking along his own path and wanting you to walk along it beside him and the two of you forging your own path together. The first sounds nice superficially until you realise it’s his path. The second makes for a healthier and more equal relationship.

Well put. This is exactly how it is.

Seaitoverthere · 22/12/2023 05:48

I know you want to stick to the original question but it needs looking at in the context of the further information you gave of he believes one person should take the lead in a relationship and the other things you have said about him. What he actually means is you should do exactly what he wants and he should control you and will gaslight you into thinking you are at fault and crazy for not doing what he wants.

Unfortunately this is quite common with abusive people, they only show their true selves when they feel they have hooked you. Sometimes it is when they marry, in other times it is when a baby arrives. You are lucky in this situation that it is before children and much easier to leave. This is about so much more than how to spend Christmas.

Roselilly36 · 22/12/2023 06:11

I wouldn’t like being told what I am doing, you need to speak up.

Pugdays · 22/12/2023 06:14

Don't marry or have kids with this controlling man
Everything will be on his terms ,he will kill your spirit and knock your confidence,,sounds like he's already gaslighting you about what's normal at Christmas.
Actually he sounds like he's got a screw loose ,I'd end it

Daleksatemyshed · 22/12/2023 06:45

As another poster said be very careful not to get pregnant Op, once you have children you'll be tied to this man. I have a nasty feeling that this Christmas problem could be the tip of the iceberg.

disappearingfish · 22/12/2023 06:48

He believes that only “one person should lead the relationship”?????

This isn't just about Christmas then. This is about him thinking he's the boss of you.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 22/12/2023 07:04

he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship”

Goodness, you have much bigger problems than just Christmas. I guess that one person leading is him?Don’t have children with this man, or at least have counselling by yourself to decide if you’re happy to spend your life including parenting doing what he thinks is right.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 22/12/2023 07:10

Firefly2009 · 22/12/2023 00:24

This OP.

And I would say to him, I'm spending these two days at home, these 3 days with my family, I hope you will join me.

If he won't, then you don't go to his family.

Let him see now how you deal with his unreasonable behaviour.
And you will get to see your family too, which is important. And time at home, which is also important, whether he is there or not.

His reaction will also give you more information moving forward.

Show quote history

I agree with this, OP. Don't be brow beaten into doing what he wants. He's already scoffing at you and being quite contemptuous, sadly it doesn't bode well 🙁

StragglyTinsel · 22/12/2023 07:30

The fact he repeatedly makes out that you are insane if you don’t just do what he wants is really worrying. Nice people don’t do that.

Even if he thinks one person should ‘lead’
a relationship, why should that person be him? Why should you just be expected to follow and do what you’re told?

This isn’t just about Christmas. It’s that things like Christmas tend to bring problems you otherwise manage not to notice to light.

I agree with others that you should think very, very hard about whether you want to have children with him. Selfish and controlling men who gaslight you and insist you’re crazy/controlling/awful when you don’t just do what you’re told do not improve when you’re pregnant and looking after a baby. Quite the opposite. It won’t just be Christmas either. Don’t be someone who is back on MN in the run up to giving birth worrying that he’s decided that his mum is coming to stay for 6 week when the baby is born and is telling you what a horrible, antisocial person you are for denying the baby its family (or something similar).

MakeItRain · 22/12/2023 07:49

He doesn't sound kind. As PPs have said, I wouldn't have children with this man. I had children with an unkind, controlling man and it was the loneliest and most miserable time of my life. With children you become isolated and trapped. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did. I know your OP isn't asking whether you should stay with him, but you should think carefully about your next steps. He doesn't respect you or the things you enjoy. The way you want to live your life is perfectly fine and normal. Don't put up with him calling you names and criticising you.

ChubbyMorticia · 26/12/2023 07:03

He thinks only one person should lead a relationship, and by penis power, it’s automatically him?

Nope.

He has flat out told you that he doesn’t see you as an equal. You deserve better than that. You deserve to be with someone who
wants you to be their partner, not their subordinate.

He wants to lead something, he can go walk a horse.

Meadowgrasses · 27/12/2023 18:45

I’d think it was really weird if my siblings turned up at 6am to watch my kids open their stockings. What’s he going to do, climb into bed with them all? Seriously though, he sounds awful.

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 18:49

Meadowgrasses · 27/12/2023 18:45

I’d think it was really weird if my siblings turned up at 6am to watch my kids open their stockings. What’s he going to do, climb into bed with them all? Seriously though, he sounds awful.

Yes. Turning up pre-6am so you can sit with your niece and nephews while they open their stockings is weird. That’s what parents do. Uncles come over later with presents when people have had a chance to get dressed in most households.

TeaGinandFags · 27/12/2023 18:51

I think that the telling part is where he says you need one person to lead. Obviously, he has unilaterally decided that he is the leader and this is why you weren't included in the plans: you're to do as you're told.

This is your first Christmas with him and he is showing you how he expects to run your life for you. Don't bother bargaining with him; he'll take it as asking for permission. Tell him that he's right. One person has to lead and that person is going to be you.

He'll kick up a fuss but stand your ground. Either he's prepared to be a husband, your partner in life, or he wants to be your boss. The question has to be, what is it that you want?

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 27/12/2023 18:54

So we’ve deduced that you have married a controlling manipulator… great… up to you where you go from here, but if you acquiece then you are simply accepting this as your life. However, I feel that if you don’t then he will attempt coercive co tell by trying to make you feel bad/horrible/selfish, etc. and TBH it will only be a matter of time before you choose whether to divorce and leave him or be emotionally browbeaten for life….

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 27/12/2023 19:05

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 27/12/2023 18:54

So we’ve deduced that you have married a controlling manipulator… great… up to you where you go from here, but if you acquiece then you are simply accepting this as your life. However, I feel that if you don’t then he will attempt coercive co tell by trying to make you feel bad/horrible/selfish, etc. and TBH it will only be a matter of time before you choose whether to divorce and leave him or be emotionally browbeaten for life….

That should be ‘will attempt coersive control’.

Sunandsea26 · 27/12/2023 19:07

when we were together / married but before kids used to just do our own thing but ensure we had an Xmas day for the both of us too. Absolutely no reason to be joint at the hip every day. Stand firm and do what you want to do! As I have learnt this year, life is too short not to spend time with people important to you.

Georgyporky · 27/12/2023 19:08

Put your foot down NOW .

Metallicant · 27/12/2023 19:09

Please don’t have children with this man.