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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this fair to spend this much time with his family over the holidays?

95 replies

emilycurtisxx · 20/12/2023 15:48

Long story short my husbands sister has text him a whole itinerary of what is going on over the holidays with plans from 24th up until 30th eg xmas eve at her house, xmas day at the mums, 29th we are babysitting the kids, 30th going to a lights show etc etc. This is our first year as husband and wife; and I mentioned that I am getting a little worried that all the plans are with his family and he accused me of not really being family orientated? I explained that my cousin is going over to my brothers house for the week and I would want to see them and he said well invite them over to our house then (he knows that my brothers wife does not like driving and wont drive 45minutes to us unfortunately)

When I said that we can see my family on the evening of the 29th he said let me check what I will miss at my familys house :/ It all seems very organised; he said that all the plans got discussed before they were firmed up but I wasn't involved in any of the planning. I just feel like if we have children am I going to be looked down on to want to spend Christmas eve with my own little family? I am not used to having a big family so I do quite like my alone time with my little unit dogs own house cooking my own traditions etc. He says we haven't got kids yet so I shouldn't be worried about that type of stuff but I can't help but wonder what his priorities would be.

OP posts:

festivetinseling · 27/12/2023 20:20

"He says I'm trying to control his life."

Well he's determined to control yours. Can he not see the irony?

THEDEACON · 28/12/2023 02:24

Make it clear that you're not agreeing to this and that you expect to be consulted and listened to Put up with it this time and it will only get worse!

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 05:35

Jeez that sounds intense.

Draw up your boundaries. Insist your family is also prioritised, and it is 50/50 or this will be a huge issue for years to come. Your family are not second best, and shouldn’t be treated like this. You have equal rights to see them, relax and enjoy quiet time. Do not shy away from standing up for your needs.

Charlie2121 · 28/12/2023 06:07

How did you manage to get married without knowing what he was like with his family?

I agree with you that for many the imposition of extended family is stifling. When me and DP met we both knew we preferred time together and not with extended family all the time.

This Christmas we had Christmas Day on our own with DC and then we saw his parents for about a couple of hours on Boxing Day and I went and took DC to see my parents for an hour or so. That’s plenty for us. Your schedule would be the end of us.

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 07:15

he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship”

What have I just read? Make sure your contraception is watertight. I was going to say make the most of being able to do your own thing - just because he wants to hang out with his family the whole time doesn't mean you have to. But your updates make me seriously worried for you about having children with this man.

How are things going now?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 28/12/2023 07:18

he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship”

And that is exactly what you are seeing now. It won't change when you have kids and he will probably expect them to dance to his tune too.

SunRainStorm · 28/12/2023 07:20

What the actual fuck.

Who put him in charge of everything?

Do not have children with him.

Snowdogsmitten · 28/12/2023 08:00

to the person that said we are equals, he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship” so I guess you are bang on when you mention the equal thing

Absolutely horrified by this.

It’s such a shame you married him @emilycurtisxx. He’s a complete prick who treats you like shit.

Icelandic9 · 28/12/2023 08:34

You need a divorce

BreatheAndFocus · 28/12/2023 08:39

He’s a horrible, selfish, spoilt and immature little man with a totally inflated opinion of himself. Take the wind out of his sails by telling him that you agree one person should lead the relationship and that should be you as he’s too immature and entwined with mummy and daddy.

And as for the present opening - as if his niece and nephew will give a shit if he’s there or not! More than that, he’s intruding on their parents special time with them. He sounds bloody weird! Is he jealous of his sibling having children, do you think, and trying to push his way in to retain his place in the family?

Christmas should be divided up - most time as your own family unit, then fairly visiting each partner’s relatives.

I’d be very carefully considering my future with this man-baby. They never change.

SunRainStorm · 28/12/2023 08:45

BreatheAndFocus · 28/12/2023 08:39

Christmas should be divided up - most time as your own family unit, then fairly visiting each partner’s relatives.

I’d be very carefully considering my future with this man-baby. They never change.

Yes this.

'One person should lead the relationship' - Most abusive controlling men are smart enough to conceal this belief. This twat has done you a favour by saying the quiet part out loud.

He thinks he should control you. He even lacks awareness that this is wrong. He believes time, energy, decision making, agency etc should always tip in HIS favour, without even a pretence of you being an equal person in your own right.

A good relationship involves two people having their needs met, communicating and compromising when needed.

A good divorce, however, can absolutely be lead by one person. You!

Do not get pregnant, it will ruin your life.

Thank him for this succession of red flags, tell him and his family to go fuck themselves and have a lovely life without him.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 28/12/2023 09:01

Too late for this year but going forward get in early next year, send SIL your own itinerary before she sends hers out.
Set your stall out before she does.
“Christmas plans 2024. It’s important to factor in time spent with family on both sides and to avoid any confusion or double bookings we’ll be available on these dates” or words to that effect’
Be firm and remind DH who his wife is, who he has sex with and if he wants that to continue then he should be more worried about upsetting you than his sister.

Olika · 28/12/2023 09:06

@Daffodilsandtuplips Be firm and remind DH who his wife is, who he has sex with and if he wants that to continue then he should be more worried about upsetting you than his sister.
^loving this

14Q · 28/12/2023 09:26

He makes me think I am INSANE and selfish when I try to explain how I feel

and

But I told him that I should be the priority and number one as that’s my expectation in marriage and he sort of rolls his eyes like I’m a crazy loon talking nonsense and just nagging him to death. He says I’m trying to control his life.

and

he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship”

Random phrases in your posts that are very worrying. At least he is letting you know what he is like now and not leaving it until you have a baby and are trapped with him. You would be foolish to have a kid with him. He has made it clear that he thinks he is more important than you.

However, If you haven't been back in the UK since the beginning of your relationship I can see that he might be very enthusiastic to spend time with his family so I can understand that. I'd find sitting at home really boring and phrases like 'making our own traditions' would have me running for the hills. I don't think that the fact you want different things is the issue though it's that he isn't willing to compromise. Do you do things separately?

LondonJax · 28/12/2023 09:56

I agree with the other posters. Phrases like 'he thinks I'm insane and selfish', 'only one person should lead the relationship' etc are worrying.

Of course there are times when one person 'gives way' to the other. Something may be very important to the other person - something they really enjoy for example - and the partner doesn't have strong opinions either way. So the first person 'leads' on that occasion. But that cuts both ways.

Spicastar · 28/12/2023 10:43

You've been married for a less than a year and he's already this level of controlling, gaslighting and emotionally abusive? I'm sorry but the problem is not Christmas, it's your husband and you should seek counseling asap. I know this sounds over-reacting but the way he behaves is not normal, decent or ok. He's already told you he is the leader/head of this relationship and your needs, wants and wishes don't count. That's an appalling start for a life together.

The fair deal is 50-50 of course. Half with his family, half with yours, and/or some of the time for just the two of you, or time alone separately. Why is it ok for him to tell you spend 5-7 days in a row as he pleased, but you're not allowed to have even one as you please?

Is your life this mismatched/unequal normally? Does he boss you around with everything else? How do you usually make decisions as a couple, does your opinion have weight?

Oh my gosh his behaviour must be curbed now.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 28/12/2023 10:57

How has this issue just came around, how long have you been together?

I think there could be trouble ahead here. He either realises marriage is a compromise and do exactly that with you or he should never have gotten married .

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/12/2023 15:03

margotrose · 22/12/2023 00:17

he believes that only “one person should lead the relationship

Run.

Yep, leg it.

FinallyHere · 28/12/2023 19:05

Your title asked about what is 'fair' and your updates explain that he doesn't care about fairness and in fact expects to have him own way all.the.time.

This isn't going to get better. The sooner you secure a divorce the better for you.

How are your finances fixed, do you have money? Do you have anywhere you can stay

I'm sorry but the sooner you get away from him the better. Good luck

Serenitymummy · 29/12/2023 00:26

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/12/2023 15:03

Yep, leg it.

Show quote history

Absolutely this, he's an abuser for sure. Get yourself away from this man ASAP before he ruins your life.

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