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Original poster

Boyfriend briefly touching me intimately while falling asleep

90 replies

NCforthistimeforprivacy · 20/12/2023 11:47

Hi all, I am a regular poster on this board but NCed for privacy as my posting history might be outing.

A couple of months ago I began dating a close friend whom I have been knowing for years. Things are going generally well, and I know him to be a considerate, respectful, lovely man. He has never done or said anything that made me feel pressured in any way. However, something weird has happened a few times now and I am trying to figure out if I am making too big of a deal out of this or not.

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress as he would with other parts of my body like arms, shoulders, and back. I guess he means it affectionately, but it makes me feel uncomfortable as if he feels he has unconditional access to my body anytime he wants. I can't give consent while I am falling asleep/ asleep and therefore I don't think he should feel like he can touch me intimately in those moments. he is generally a very physically affectionate man and likes physical touch while sleeping, which I don't mind at all. It is just intimate touching that I am uncomfortable with.

I think I will talk to him about this, as we have great open and honest communication between us. However, I'd still like to hear people's thoughts on this. Is this as weird as it seems to me? I have never had this issue with previous partners so I am a bit baffled.

Thanks for your advice :)

OP posts:
rebeccaxxxx · 20/12/2023 11:48

I think he probably thinks it's nice for you both, and so if you tell him how it makes you feel he should respect that. if he doesn't, then that's a problem.

Nap1983 · 20/12/2023 11:53

You need to tell him you don't like it, if he continues then its a problem.

TheSkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 20/12/2023 11:55

I don't see anything inherently wrong with this, but we all have our likes and dislikes so just be honest that you're not comfortable with it. If he continues, knowing that you don't like it, then it's a problem.

SpringleDingle · 20/12/2023 11:57

I think you are right to talk. I don't see anything wrong with what he is doing unless he knows it makes you uncomfortable - which he won't unless you tell him.

Rania78 · 20/12/2023 11:59

I would love it If my partner did that. I find it super sexy.
However, people have different preferences. If you feel uncomfortable talk to him. I am not sure he realises he is doing this as it seems that he is falling asleep.

pikkumyy77 · 20/12/2023 12:02

Just talk to him! He sounds like a more tactile, tacit, person than you are. If he persists after being told then you have learned that he is not right for you.

qotsa · 20/12/2023 12:02

Nap1983 · 20/12/2023 11:53

You need to tell him you don't like it, if he continues then its a problem.

This. Use your words.

SamW98 · 20/12/2023 12:07

Nap1983 · 20/12/2023 11:53

You need to tell him you don't like it, if he continues then its a problem.

This. If you’re not telling him you don’t like it, he’ll think you’re ok with it and continue.

It would make me feel very uncomfortable so I’d say something straight away. It’s only a problem if you tell him you don’t like it and he carries on.

RedRobyn2021 · 20/12/2023 12:07

Agree that you need to tell him you don't like it. I would have told him the first time, I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't. You have every right to say I don't like that without any discomfort or embarrassment. It IS probably innocent, but that doesn't mean you should feel like you can't say you don't want him to do it.

Joeylove88 · 20/12/2023 12:08

Yes everyone is different and he needs to know this makes you uncomfortable. Personally I enjoy it when my partner does this in the middle of the night always leads to good sex 😂

WaltzingWaters · 20/12/2023 12:08

My partner does this and I like it. I do it to him also. But of course if you don’t like it just tell him. If he continues after you’ve said something, then it’s a problem.

HeraSyndulla · 20/12/2023 12:13

You wear knickers in bed ?.

HyperPromiscuousChildlessEtcEtc · 20/12/2023 12:15

DH and I do this, but we both love it and it’s fully consensual and reciprocated. If you don’t like it: say so.

HyperPromiscuousChildlessEtcEtc · 20/12/2023 12:16

HeraSyndulla · 20/12/2023 12:13

You wear knickers in bed ?.

Lots of people do. Loads of threads on MN about it. Quite the divisive issue 🤣

AnonKat · 20/12/2023 12:21

I find it odd that you need to give consent for every intimate touch in a relationship. My husband and I are very tactile in bed and out.

You need to tell him if you're uncomfortable with it though.

Original poster
NCforthistimeforprivacy · 20/12/2023 12:45

AnonKat · 20/12/2023 12:21

I find it odd that you need to give consent for every intimate touch in a relationship. My husband and I are very tactile in bed and out.

You need to tell him if you're uncomfortable with it though.

Yeah, I wonder if I am excessively rigid on this topic while most people would find it totally okay.

The reason why I struggle with it is that I find it hard to fall asleep when I share a bed with a partner and the idea that he can just randomly stick his hands in my pants keeps me alert, and therefore it keeps me forever to fall asleep.

OP posts:
Foxblue · 20/12/2023 12:49

It's okay to not like certain things, he will understand! I don't think you're weird at all for not liking it, everyone's different. I hate having my bum randomly grabbed, some people love it. As long as you communicate and your partner respects the boundaries its all good.

Lilithlogic · 20/12/2023 12:50

NCforthistimeforprivacy · 20/12/2023 12:45

Yeah, I wonder if I am excessively rigid on this topic while most people would find it totally okay.

The reason why I struggle with it is that I find it hard to fall asleep when I share a bed with a partner and the idea that he can just randomly stick his hands in my pants keeps me alert, and therefore it keeps me forever to fall asleep.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter what other people do, it matters what you feel is ok. Please do not think you should change your boundaries because you think you should.

HappyHamsters · 20/12/2023 12:50

Just tell him why it makes it difficult to fall asleep or get a different type of bed if that works better

AnonKat · 20/12/2023 12:52

NCforthistimeforprivacy · 20/12/2023 12:45

Yeah, I wonder if I am excessively rigid on this topic while most people would find it totally okay.

The reason why I struggle with it is that I find it hard to fall asleep when I share a bed with a partner and the idea that he can just randomly stick his hands in my pants keeps me alert, and therefore it keeps me forever to fall asleep.

Show quote history

Definitely tell him! If he is a good man then he will respect your boundaries 🙂. We are all different.

MindHowYouGoes · 20/12/2023 12:54

What’s the point in going “ooh no me and my husband love it but if you don’t…”

what you get up to in your relationship of many years doesn’t track to the ops new relationship of a couple of months where they’re still building up trust.

if you don’t like it op you don’t have to put up with it. Firmly tell him you don’t like it and why and if he carries on then reevaluate the relationship

SamW98 · 20/12/2023 12:55

NCforthistimeforprivacy · 20/12/2023 12:45

Yeah, I wonder if I am excessively rigid on this topic while most people would find it totally okay.

The reason why I struggle with it is that I find it hard to fall asleep when I share a bed with a partner and the idea that he can just randomly stick his hands in my pants keeps me alert, and therefore it keeps me forever to fall asleep.

Show quote history

You don’t need to explain or justify. If you don’t like it, then that’s enough reason to tell him not to do it.

What anyone else thinks isn’t relevant. It’s your body

Devonshiregal · 20/12/2023 13:11

Do tell him as clearly he might just think this is normal, as many people on here do. And how’s he meant to know - the first time he did it you didn’t say nope don’t like that and so it continues. Feel a bit sorry for him as it feels a bit demonising to be questioning the motives of a man who is in all ways lovely and is just affectionately/sexily/innocently copping a feel while you’re lying next to each other but you haven’t said anything.

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t like this and have weird boundaries my poor partner has to navigate - one minute I’m fine being touched, the next I’m not. One minute boob touching is fine, the next I practically take his hand off. Clearly I have issues. 🤦‍♀️
but he respects it and tries his best not to cross boundaries and hopefully your guy will respect this. As others have said give him a chance and then if he still does it he’s a knob.

It reads like you’re worrying he’s a secret molester-er…have you had experience of someone you thought was nice turning out not to be before?

Original poster
NCforthistimeforprivacy · 20/12/2023 13:17

Devonshiregal · 20/12/2023 13:11

Do tell him as clearly he might just think this is normal, as many people on here do. And how’s he meant to know - the first time he did it you didn’t say nope don’t like that and so it continues. Feel a bit sorry for him as it feels a bit demonising to be questioning the motives of a man who is in all ways lovely and is just affectionately/sexily/innocently copping a feel while you’re lying next to each other but you haven’t said anything.

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t like this and have weird boundaries my poor partner has to navigate - one minute I’m fine being touched, the next I’m not. One minute boob touching is fine, the next I practically take his hand off. Clearly I have issues. 🤦‍♀️
but he respects it and tries his best not to cross boundaries and hopefully your guy will respect this. As others have said give him a chance and then if he still does it he’s a knob.

It reads like you’re worrying he’s a secret molester-er…have you had experience of someone you thought was nice turning out not to be before?

I totally get what you mean re: your boundaries, I think I am similar. I struggle with avoidant attachment issues and therefore it takes me a long time to feel comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy with new partners.

I am actively working on this but I think it makes me a lot trickier than your average person when it comes to new relationships.

Part of the reason why I posted here today was that I am aware I struggle with these issues and sometimes they can cloud my judgment about new partners. it is helpful to hear external perspectives to help me find a balanced view of things.

OP posts:
Wednesdaysotherchild · 20/12/2023 13:20

I would love this but then I am the tactile person in a relationship with a less tactile DP. I get a quick affectionate arm pat instead, sob.