Boyfriend briefly touching me intimately while falling asleep

[NCforthistimeforprivacy]

Hi all, I am a regular poster on this board but NCed for privacy as my posting history might be outing.

A couple of months ago I began dating a close friend whom I have been knowing for years. Things are going generally well, and I know him to be a considerate, respectful, lovely man. He has never done or said anything that made me feel pressured in any way. However, something weird has happened a few times now and I am trying to figure out if I am making too big of a deal out of this or not.

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress as he would with other parts of my body like arms, shoulders, and back. I guess he means it affectionately, but it makes me feel uncomfortable as if he feels he has unconditional access to my body anytime he wants. I can't give consent while I am falling asleep/ asleep and therefore I don't think he should feel like he can touch me intimately in those moments. he is generally a very physically affectionate man and likes physical touch while sleeping, which I don't mind at all. It is just intimate touching that I am uncomfortable with.

I think I will talk to him about this, as we have great open and honest communication between us. However, I'd still like to hear people's thoughts on this. Is this as weird as it seems to me? I have never had this issue with previous partners so I am a bit baffled.

Thanks for your advice :)

OP, you're not excessively anything. Your partner does something you don't like so ask him to stop doing it. If he stops, great. If he doesn't, graciously and straight away, he isn't a good partner.

If there are no other issues then I'd assume he is doing it in good faith. Plenty of PPs say their partners go for a bum or breast squeeze with no nefarious intention and he may be doing the same. Mine does and I am happy with that. It's sexual touch that doesn't necessarily lead anywhere and feels connecting. He certainly doesn't see me as a blow up doll. Well, a very advanced one if he does given our conversations.

That doesn't mean you have to like it though. Everyone is different. Your boundaries are fine. Please try and feel confident in expressing them. To reiterate:if he reacts badly, that is on him.

Instead of telling us. tell him how you feel about it. Sorted.

this is quite an old thread.

People post to get advice before they discuss with their partner.

For some people this is normal as they like it. For the OP and others it isn't as they don't.

Stop trying to make someone feel she has to accept a certain touch when she doesn't want to, just because you'd like it.

She's been with him five minutes.

I can see why this could be a problem if there was an expectation-or even a hope of sex.

Ha it is, I didn't realise!

@NCforthistimeforprivacy

yes, you do seem excessively rigid. Have you been in situations where you were abused? It sounds like past trauma.

i think that kind of touching is normal in a relationship (without any kind of abuse/trauma) of course it's your right to not enjoying it and to ask someone not to do it.

if you told me & explained why I'd stop & understand, but hope we can keep talking about & maybe in time you'd learn to be comfortable sleeping with me to find it nice not worrying.

However, if you just said 'Don't do that , I don't like it' it would make me feel hurt & rejected'.

it's an intimacy issue, not a sexual one.

No, if she doesn't want to be unexpected touched (Not during sex) in intimate areas then that isn't excessively rigid. It isn't her problem if her boyfriend feels rejected. It's not affecting him. He may not mean any harm (perhaps a previous partner enjoyed it) and she can think of a tactful way to raise it rather than accusatory but it is absolutely fine not to like being taken by surprise.

It would probably depend how I felt at the time. But if I wasn't up for it I'd grab hand and put it around my waist - that should be a strong enough hint . If it kept happening, I'd just say its not my thing when going to sleep, and expect this to be respected.

The issue is the difference between a caress and a grope. Being touched and touching is part of an intimate and passionate relationship. Are the knickers in bed (unhealthy) another barrier being put up, to prevent touch?

Totally agree. She shouldn’t be shamed or made to feel there’s an issue because it’s something she’s not comfortable with.
We all have boundaries but the OP needs to tell him she doesn’t like it otherwise he’ll continue thinking it’s ok

@K8ate For fucks's sake, I wasn't referring to playful, flirty, consensual, loving sexual touching. That's normal and desired in most relationships.

The fact that the OP has posted this means there' something very wrong somewhere when it comes to trust & intimacy in this relationship. Note the OP hasn't had this issue with past partners, so maybe, just maybe, it's not her?

@yousexybugger

JFC she ASKED if she was excessively rigid and I said I think she is! It is unusual to expect your partner to get consent to cuddle and touch your boobs & bum etc when you're in bed.

I SAID it was her right to ask him not to do it.

Is IS affecting him, it's a rejection of what he sees as affectionate touching.

he's only touching her 'there' as he's touching her arms & legs etc. it's not like he's suddenly sssaulting her.

I find it quite sad that people need consent to touch their partner's bodies. Do you require them to obtain written consent for sex? What's wrong with touching the person you love and are (presumably) intimate with?

I agree wholeheartedly with this and what @Pinkpinkpink15 said.