Boyfriend briefly touching me intimately while falling asleep

[NCforthistimeforprivacy]

Hi all, I am a regular poster on this board but NCed for privacy as my posting history might be outing.

A couple of months ago I began dating a close friend whom I have been knowing for years. Things are going generally well, and I know him to be a considerate, respectful, lovely man. He has never done or said anything that made me feel pressured in any way. However, something weird has happened a few times now and I am trying to figure out if I am making too big of a deal out of this or not.

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress as he would with other parts of my body like arms, shoulders, and back. I guess he means it affectionately, but it makes me feel uncomfortable as if he feels he has unconditional access to my body anytime he wants. I can't give consent while I am falling asleep/ asleep and therefore I don't think he should feel like he can touch me intimately in those moments. he is generally a very physically affectionate man and likes physical touch while sleeping, which I don't mind at all. It is just intimate touching that I am uncomfortable with.

I think I will talk to him about this, as we have great open and honest communication between us. However, I'd still like to hear people's thoughts on this. Is this as weird as it seems to me? I have never had this issue with previous partners so I am a bit baffled.

Thanks for your advice :)

And as I said I do this to my husband and I certainly do not do it due to lack or respect or viewing him as a sex object. Or wanting to show I have power over his body etc
I love him and i could not respect him more. It's just about intimacy, connection and affection. And it's just nice to snuggle.. and I guess express some desire without it necessarily leading to sex. Because I don't necessarily want to have sex every single night but maybe I do want to express that I feel sexually connected to him... I dunno... I just don't think it means the negative things some people are saying it does..
Perhaps it can do with some people but I think you'd know..and it sounds like part of you does understand its him expressing affection rather than power.
Of course if you don't like it you still have every right to ask him to stop. And if he genuinely is a good man he will. But I wouldn't listen to posters who try to tell you what it means because only you will actually be in a position to get the vibes of his behaviour.. whether its creepy power stuff or just a natural way he is trying to connect with you

For me, if I’m at the point in a relationship where I feel comfortable enough to be intimate and share a bed with someone, then I am also comfortable enough to have those incidental touches. I am someone who doesn’t take physical intimacy lightly though. I am very far into a relationship before we get to that point.

I think this is fairly normal in relationships but I get why you don't like it.

If he is a good man he'll probably be horrified you feel like that but he's not going to know if you don't tell him.

Everyone is different @NCforthistimeforprivacy. What is okay for me is not okay for you. Communicate with him and tell him how this makes you feel “like he feels he has unconditional access to your body and you don’t want that because it makes you feel uncomfortable” then express what you are comfortable with. If he listens that is the issue sorted, if he doesn’t then it is a problem.

This. I would regard this as normal behaviour between myself and my husband. He doesn't have to ask me every single time he brushes his hand over my bum or cups my breast. Especially if we're cuddling in together, about to go to sleep. And if he's doing it because he wants to initiate sex, great, if I'm also in the mood. But if I'm not, I just tell him that and that's the end of that.

If you're in a loving, caring, sexual and consensual relationship, I think it would make things very clinical if he felt he had to ask me first everytime he wanted to touch me. Eg, we're lying in bed. He wants sex and doesn't know whether I do or not so he says "is it OK if I cup your breast in my hand and then slide my other hand into your knickers?" I couldn't handle that carry on!!

Obviously though, if anything makes you feel uncomfortable, you do need to raise it with him. But Imo, if you're in the type of relationship I described above (caring etc) I don't think each and every tough needs consent.

Shocked at these responses. I’d hate it if I was dropping off to sleep and my husband randomly stuck his hand down my knickers, squeezed and rolled over. Sure fine if being intimate, but no way when I’m falling off to sleep does he get to do that.

@NCforthistimeforprivacy it's ok not to like it and tell him

Same here and I would grab his bits too for a little grope but we both enjoy it.

Yes sorry hope you didn’t take my comment about it feeling demonising to mean I didn’t think you should’ve asked here - this site is so useful for things like this and it’s great to be able to take a measured approach/learn from others’ opinions.

im like this and learned a few years ago I have adhd - assume it’s sensory maybe? I don’t know haven’t done the legwork yet but it is difficult to navigate in relationships

If you don’t want to be touched by your partner then you should not be sleeping with him.

if I were to have sex in bed with my DP, and then told him to “get over your own side, and don’t touch me” he would think I’ve lost my marbles.

I feel very sorry for your BF, he sounds lovely and probably has no idea you think this way. Definitely tell him how you feel so that he has the option of exiting this relationship before you accuse him of something terrible.

If you don’t want to be touched by your partner then you should not be sleeping with him.

Eh? She hasn't said she doesn't want him to touch her. She doesn't want him to touch her intimately while she is asleep.

She has every right to not want to be touched intimately while she is asleep.

He has every right to leave the relationship if he isn't comfortable with that boundary.

I agree she should tell him. Your snarky reasoning for her doing so, and your judgement of her when she clearly feels troubled about this already, is unkind and unnecessary.

Ditto. If I’ve rolled over to try and get to sleep and he shoves his hand down my knickers or gropes my breasts, he would get told in no uncertain terms to stop now.

However this should be a conversation the first time a partner does something you’re not comfortable with. Unless you say no, they’ll think you’re ok with it

I don't think he is doing anything wrong, if you are in an intimate relationship, I often casually touch my soon to be husbands bits in bed at night as we are dozing off to sleep, it's not like I'm gonna jump on him, it's just a natural thing, he also puts his arms around me and touches my boobs, what's wrong with that? It's just being intimate with each other. Don't share a bed with someone if you don't want to be gently touched during the night.

Goes to show we're all different. I'd think my DH had gone off me if he wasn't doing this tbh. Totally normal for us.

But as others have said, if you bring it up and he continues then it shows you're not compatible.

Exactly this.

I cuddle my partner every single night because it’s nice to feel close to him and I love him. If he told me to take my hands off him and not touch him as he’s trying to sleep, I would feel very hurt indeed. In fact, I would be wondering if this relationship had run its course.

On the other hand, if it was some random man I just met at the pub and fancied a bit of no strings sex then that would be different.

How odd to post here and not just tell him???

I was about to post this. I'm not sure what goes through some posters' heads when the first instinct is to start a thread on Mumsnet about a relationship issue instead of talking to their partner about it

Yep. Sometimes it makes sense to post of its something like 'how do I approach my cheating husband' but here?

"Hands off Ted, i can't get to sleep when you do that, night".

"Oh sorry, night then".

It's as straightforward as telling him you don't like it.

If he does it again after that, then you have a problem, as it's a sign he doesn't respect your boundaries and puts his own wants ahead of your feelings.

If you're nervous of telling him, that's also a bad sign. You should feel utterly safe, and able to be completely honest, with the man you're being intimate with.

If he's a decent person, you'll tell him you don't like it, he's apologise for assuming you liked it, and he'll never do it again.

I absolutely agree that you have every right to express how you feel about this.
However, I do find it an interesting reaction to a loving touch. I get that obviously you can't consent to sex while you're asleep. But it doesn't seem like his touch is meant in a sexual way or suggests that he's leading towards that.
I can see that you struggle with trust.

BUT, regardless, it's your right not to trust him yet and absolutely your right to talk to him about it.
Similarily I've talked to my husband about the kind of touch I do and don't appreciate. He had the habit of (gently and playfully) slapping my ass whenever I was loading the dishwasher. Thing is that my balance is quite bad and I'd always stumble or fall over, so I've asked him to limit the ass slapping to moments where I'm standing up.
I've also asked him not to rub my ass while I'm falling asleep, because it keeps waking me up. He sometimes does it in his sleep. Like sleepwalking, but then sleep-butt-rubbing. He's a sound sleeper, but when he starts rubbing me at 4am, it takes me an hour to get back to sleep.

I tried to keep my comments an requests quite casual and light-hearted. I didn't want to knock him down for being affectionate or playful, when there were no bad intentions on his part.

If you are sexually active together this seems fairly normal affection

This all day! Should my DP ask for my consent every time he walks past and squeezes my bum???

"but it makes me feel uncomfortable as if he feels he has unconditional access to my body anytime he wants"

Um he does. As do you with him. But if he's like most people in loving and sexual relationships, he actively wants you to touch him, gets turned on by you and wants to be intimate with you whilst you're lay next to each other in bed.

"I can't give consent while I am falling asleep/ asleep"

WTF is with the "consent"?! The consent comes when you enter into a sexual relationship with someone, share a bed with them and sleep next to each other every night! Who the hell asks their DP / DH / DW for consent whenever they want to touch them?!

I woke up during the night last week and felt a bit horny so started playing with DP and then once he started stirring I went down on him. He loved it. As would I. I didn't think I needed to ask for consent 😂

Anyway OP, I would tell your DP how you feel but don't be surprised if he takes offence.

If your dp had woken up and asked you to stop and you carried on that would have been sexual assault. Sounds great. Does he have the right to have sex with you whenever he wants because you’re in a relationship with him? (I’ll give you a hint the answer to that is no). Could he hold you down and do whatever he wanted because you’re in bed with him? (Again, that’s a no).

maybe don’t weigh in on the thread if you don’t understand consent in healthy relationships.

You seem one step away from accusing her ‘decent, loving, affectionate partner’ of being a sexual predator, abuser of rapist.

For goodness sake, what on earth is wrong with some people?

God help our sons with regard to these sort of women.

It doesn't matter what anyone else does.

If it bothers you then that is fine. Your body belongs to you, no one has rights to touch it without asking. Established relationships are fine if they are mutually respectful and both parties can say no, don't do that.

This is a new relationship and of course you are thinking about what you are happy with. Somethings might be a no now but yes in three months. That is all ok.

This isn't about asking every time you want to kiss, hold hands, have a hug and posters suggesting that are being silly.

Going off to sleep can make one feel vulnerable but all that matters is you don't want him to do it.

So tell him.

And for the faux shock from a PP, plenty of people wear underwear in bed..