Page 2 | Boyfriend briefly touching me intimately while falling asleep

NCforthistimeforprivacy · 2023-12-20T11:47:07+00:00

Hi all, I am a regular poster on this board but NCed for privacy as my posting history might be outing. A couple of months ago I began dating a close friend whom I have been knowing for years. Things are going generally well, and I know him to be a considerate, respectful, lovely man. He has never done or said anything that made me feel pressured in any way. However, something weird has happened a few times now and I am trying to figure out if I am making too big of a deal out of this or not. When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress as he would with other parts of my body like arms, shoulders, and back. I guess he means it affectionately, but it makes me feel uncomfortable as if he feels he has unconditional access to my body anytime he wants. I can't give consent while I am falling asleep/ asleep and therefore I don't think he should feel like he can touch me intimately in those moments. he is generally a very physically affectionate man and likes physical touch while sleeping, which I don't mind at all. It is just intimate touching that I am uncomfortable with. I think I will talk to him about this, as we have great open and honest communication between us. However, I'd still like to hear people's thoughts on this. Is this as weird as it seems to me? I have never had this issue with previous partners so I am a bit baffled. Thanks for your advice :)

flowerchild2000 · 20/12/2023 13:21

I don't think it's weird, sounds like a typical man. Just tell him to stop or at least ask.

amylou8 · 20/12/2023 13:35

You're in bed with someone you're in an intimate relationship with. It would be odd to expect them to seek consent everything time they wanted to touch you. Many people would enjoy what he is doing, and he's clearly presuming you do too. It's fine that you don't, but need to tell him that.

Hont1986 · 20/12/2023 13:36

That kind of touching has been a normal and expected feature of all my adult relationships, and apparently it's the same with most of the other posters on the thread so far. So personally I don't think it's weird, if anything the opposite. I think if you want to play by alternate rules than the 'standard' then you do need to communicate this to him.

HyperPromiscuousChildlessEtcEtc · 20/12/2023 13:38

MindHowYouGoes · 20/12/2023 12:54

What’s the point in going “ooh no me and my husband love it but if you don’t…”

what you get up to in your relationship of many years doesn’t track to the ops new relationship of a couple of months where they’re still building up trust.

if you don’t like it op you don’t have to put up with it. Firmly tell him you don’t like it and why and if he carries on then reevaluate the relationship

Because OP’s post reads as if she’s concerned this is some sort of assault. Most of us are writing to reassure her that - when fully consensual - it can be part of a healthy relationship. Personally my DH and I did this from a few weeks in because we are tactile people. Not all people are and that’s fine, and possible the OP and her partner are not, but before she panics that he’s some sexual predator it is important to understand this is normal in some relationships.

DrNo007 · 20/12/2023 13:42

I’d have no problem with this—I’d like it—but like you have trouble sleeping with anyone else in the bed, which to my mind is a separate issue in your relationship. DH and I solved this by sleeping in separate bedrooms (we get together for cuddles and sex).

Christmasbrie · 20/12/2023 13:45

Speak to him about it, if he carries on regardless then obviously that's a huge problem and I'd leave, but if he's decent he'll respect what you say and not do it. Agree with others he probably thinks it's nice, but your boundaries and what you are uncomfortable with are important and what matters.

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 14:26

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress

Charming. This would make me feel like a blow-up doll.

There's a few women on here who seem to be missing the point and are automatically assuming your situation is exactly like the one they have in their relationship. That's why you've had a few 'Oh I'd like if a man did that to me' or 'I don't mind it when my husband does this' type of response.

Who knows what your dynamic is like, but I think you can sense something is off and something inside you is giving you a warning signal. Don't ignore it.

It sounds to me like he wants to check that he has access to your body, to your boobs, even if it's bed time. There's something childish and simple minded about that which would turn off women just by itself, but what's more off-putting is that he is not considering you in this equation at all, much like a man wouldn't probably think to check if a wash machine is ok with being used for the day before its used - why would you? Consent it's necessary - it's a machine.

It's important that you feel 100% safe with a man you're sleeping with - it's the most vulnerable you can be. Not 89% safe, not 92% safe - it needs to be 100%. Anything less than that should be questioned, and I wonder if that's why you're posting here. You know something's not right.

MistletoeandJd · 20/12/2023 14:34

Just incase you need another verdict your body your rules same as the others I don't think he means any harm

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 14:39

amylou8 · 20/12/2023 13:35

You're in bed with someone you're in an intimate relationship with. It would be odd to expect them to seek consent everything time they wanted to touch you. Many people would enjoy what he is doing, and he's clearly presuming you do too. It's fine that you don't, but need to tell him that.

You're missing the point. 😩

No - of course people shouldn't be expected to seek consent every time they touch someone. This isn't just touching though, is it? There's extra context here. Also, just because you're in an intimate relationship doesn't suddenly make it ok to touch you wherever they like, whenever they like - although there are some men out there who expect this kind of 24 hr access to their partner's body.

She's clearly uncomfortable about being touched in these places as she's falling asleep. Something's off somewhere.

I'm a tactile person, and my view is that in a healthy relationship where two people are sexually compatible, these things don't really happen. They simply flow and the OP wouldn't be on here asking for this type of advice.

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 14:43

the idea that he can just randomly stick his hands in my pants keeps me alert, and therefore it keeps me forever to fall asleep

OP - what I find problematic as well is that you don't seem to have told him this already. Why? It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Are you afraid he won't respect this or that he will find you to be weird or unreasonable?

WhimsicalMoth · 20/12/2023 14:46

I would say it's totally not an issue as of yet, as he isn't aware of how you feel at this moment.
You're entitled to feel the way you do. We are all different.
It would become a problem however, if you approached him with the issue, and he carried on.

WhimsicalMoth · 20/12/2023 14:47

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 14:26

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress

Charming. This would make me feel like a blow-up doll.

There's a few women on here who seem to be missing the point and are automatically assuming your situation is exactly like the one they have in their relationship. That's why you've had a few 'Oh I'd like if a man did that to me' or 'I don't mind it when my husband does this' type of response.

Who knows what your dynamic is like, but I think you can sense something is off and something inside you is giving you a warning signal. Don't ignore it.

It sounds to me like he wants to check that he has access to your body, to your boobs, even if it's bed time. There's something childish and simple minded about that which would turn off women just by itself, but what's more off-putting is that he is not considering you in this equation at all, much like a man wouldn't probably think to check if a wash machine is ok with being used for the day before its used - why would you? Consent it's necessary - it's a machine.

It's important that you feel 100% safe with a man you're sleeping with - it's the most vulnerable you can be. Not 89% safe, not 92% safe - it needs to be 100%. Anything less than that should be questioned, and I wonder if that's why you're posting here. You know something's not right.

Always one. It's not this deep. Even OP doesn't think it's THIS deep. Jesus

ChateauDuMont · 20/12/2023 14:51

When my husband does this it's affectionate and not sexual.

If you don't like it you tell him but I have to say it does sound like you have made it an issue that it's sexual when he may think it's not.

Sparkletastic · 20/12/2023 14:54

Of course it's sexual. He's touching her sexually not giving her an affectionate hug. I would also hate this OP and like you would feel unsettled when going to sleep. Tell him firmly to stop.

HamBone · 20/12/2023 14:58

My DH likes to do this as well, whereas I prefer a couple of goodnight kisses and that’s it.

Tell him.

Twitchie · 20/12/2023 16:18

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 14:26

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress

Charming. This would make me feel like a blow-up doll.

There's a few women on here who seem to be missing the point and are automatically assuming your situation is exactly like the one they have in their relationship. That's why you've had a few 'Oh I'd like if a man did that to me' or 'I don't mind it when my husband does this' type of response.

Who knows what your dynamic is like, but I think you can sense something is off and something inside you is giving you a warning signal. Don't ignore it.

It sounds to me like he wants to check that he has access to your body, to your boobs, even if it's bed time. There's something childish and simple minded about that which would turn off women just by itself, but what's more off-putting is that he is not considering you in this equation at all, much like a man wouldn't probably think to check if a wash machine is ok with being used for the day before its used - why would you? Consent it's necessary - it's a machine.

It's important that you feel 100% safe with a man you're sleeping with - it's the most vulnerable you can be. Not 89% safe, not 92% safe - it needs to be 100%. Anything less than that should be questioned, and I wonder if that's why you're posting here. You know something's not right.

I get why op doesn't like it - but you cannot be serious with this

Being touched by your intimate partner can be annoying at times but safety and blow up dolls? Because someone is attracted to you and wants physical touch?

It would be different if she asked him and he kept grabbing, that's not happened!

Namechange666 · 20/12/2023 16:25

Listen nobody has to put up with any they aren't comfortable with. Maybe this guy isn't the one for you.

I guess we are all different as I would not mind it at all if my partner did this to me and he doesn't even do it. But I love him touching me. He can touch me when ever he wants (he doesn't but in my eyes he can) as I love him. I don't need to give him consent every time for a loving touch. (Not sex etc) before anyone takes what I am saying wrong.

But your boundaries are yours so tell him? He probably doesn't realise you don't like it. Communicate to him.

TheCatterall · 20/12/2023 16:38

I would make it clear in a non confrontational conversation that you don’t feel comfortable with that type of touching whilst dozing off/settling down etc and maybe express of and when you’d find it more appropriate. Tell him you love how affectionate he is elsewhere in the relationship etc.

I crave physical affection - cuddles, light touches in arms etc. but if my partner of 8 years suddenly started sticking his hand down my knickers or feeling up boobs for his comfort grope before drifting off he’d mysteriously find himself shunted onto the floor.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 20/12/2023 16:41

I’d be fine with it, but you’re not fine with it and that’s ok too. Just tell him you don’t want him to do it and he should stop. If he does fine, if he doesn’t not ok and something to be worried about/take further.

SEG152 · 20/12/2023 16:43

Your feelings are your feelings. It doesn’t mean he’s some twisted perv taking advantage but if you aren’t comfortable that’s ok.

Neilsfavouritechilli · 20/12/2023 16:44

Another voice saying I'm fine with it, in the main, with my husband of many years (and it's definitely not sexual in our case), however it's making you feel uncomfortable and stopping you from sleeping - that's important. Talk to him and tell him it disturbs you and you don't like it and take it from there.

HootyMcBoob · 20/12/2023 17:12

EarthSight · 20/12/2023 14:26

When we share a bed at night, sometimes he touches me intimately "in passing" while we are falling asleep/ asleep. He doesn't do it in a sexual way, he just sticks in hand on my breast or under my knickers for a quick squeeze/ caress

Charming. This would make me feel like a blow-up doll.

There's a few women on here who seem to be missing the point and are automatically assuming your situation is exactly like the one they have in their relationship. That's why you've had a few 'Oh I'd like if a man did that to me' or 'I don't mind it when my husband does this' type of response.

Who knows what your dynamic is like, but I think you can sense something is off and something inside you is giving you a warning signal. Don't ignore it.

It sounds to me like he wants to check that he has access to your body, to your boobs, even if it's bed time. There's something childish and simple minded about that which would turn off women just by itself, but what's more off-putting is that he is not considering you in this equation at all, much like a man wouldn't probably think to check if a wash machine is ok with being used for the day before its used - why would you? Consent it's necessary - it's a machine.

It's important that you feel 100% safe with a man you're sleeping with - it's the most vulnerable you can be. Not 89% safe, not 92% safe - it needs to be 100%. Anything less than that should be questioned, and I wonder if that's why you're posting here. You know something's not right.

Blimey, could you leap any further?! Good grief. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Flyhigher · 20/12/2023 17:26

A breast squeeze and a bum squeeze is absolutely lovely. He loves you and wants you to enjoy. If he's putting fingers inside you that's a bit much. But a lovely bum squeeze before an 8 hour sleep is just loving IMO.

Flyhigher · 20/12/2023 17:29

Is he a better lover than the others? Does he want you more? I'd see it as a sign of love and wanting you. But I guess if you really don't like it then tell him.

Fivepigeons · 20/12/2023 17:34

This is a communication issue. You just need to talk to him about how you feel about it. If he is indeed a good man he will apologise and stop doing it.
I do not think in itself it is abusive if you have made no comment or action to indicate you are uncomfortable with it and you have been being intimate and sleeping together etc.. it's a bit of a grey area really.. unless it's sexually aggressive groping which from your description it doesn't sound like it is.
I mean I often do this to my husband as we fall asleep.. I never asked for consent, it never occurred to me.. we've been together 12 years and he's never pulled away or said anything that suggested it wasn't OK. But if he did I'd immediately stop it and apologise for not realising he felt that way about it.
I think these are boundaries that you need to discuss and not just assume about because often people might think this was just affectionate or part of coming onto someone if they are in a long term relationship. I think it's important to communicate any specific boundaries you may have as people can have very different boundaries themselves and might never realise if you didn't say anything.
Obviously if you try to talk to himabput this but he keeps doing it anyway then he's a pos.