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Original poster

Mid-life break ups - do men find it easier to find new partners?

139 replies

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 20/12/2023 11:30

The men I know of who have become single again in mid-life (late 30s onwards) all seem to have found it easy to find new female partners (including both new flings & new long term relationships), irrespective of objective attractiveness.

Whereas women have found it harder, even if attractive.

Is this a thing?

OP posts:
HamBone · 27/12/2023 16:12

I also agree with PP’s that many middle-aged women have no interest in finding a new partner! I’m 49 and if DH buggered off, I wouldn’t actively attempt to meet anyone else. If I happened to meet someone and we fancied each other, I’d sleep with them for fun. Same with dates-if a male friend wanted to go out somewhere interesting, I’d happily go along. But I have no interest in a new relationship, it’s too much like hard work. 😂

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 27/12/2023 16:24

Maybe that’s simply because men have more time to concentrate on ‘finding someone’ vs women who end up with the lion’s share of responsibilities re children.

The comment is interesting though because it seems that men find online dating very hard, harder than women 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

HamBone · 27/12/2023 16:29

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 27/12/2023 16:24

Maybe that’s simply because men have more time to concentrate on ‘finding someone’ vs women who end up with the lion’s share of responsibilities re children.

The comment is interesting though because it seems that men find online dating very hard, harder than women 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

True, @TheGhostOfTheOpera , but many women in their 40’s have teenagers so they have more freedom, no need for babysitters, for example. But they still don’t bother going on dates, friends are often more fun and less work than partners. 😂

StragglyTinsel · 27/12/2023 16:43

Obviously your pool will be wider if you’re starting with people half your age. And you’re a middle aged man with a decent career and assets who sees his children every other weekend.

Women in their late 30s and 40s tend to be looking for someone around their own age - the prospect of a man approaching 60 is quite different to one around 40.

SaturdayGiraffe · 27/12/2023 16:44

Using generalisations, let’s assume most single men would date a far wider age range. 18 - their age +5 years seems common. This is borne out by men’s age selection data on OLD.

Whereas women, it’s fair to assume, would look for someone -5 to +10 years their age.

A narrower range.

Then add educational attainment (men less likely to care if partner has attained higher levels) and it narrows further.

Women have to be picky. It’s a survival mechanism. 1000s of LTB responses on here bear out the importance of being able to spot a decent man, or a stinker.

SamW98 · 27/12/2023 16:45

I’m lucky that I’ve got a wide social group and quite a few other of those are single women my age. And so we have nights out, go to festivals, beach holidays and weekends away which are more fun that doing that stuff with a man 🤣

I did do OLD for a while but found I was struggling to fit dates in around my social and work life and the fact I was reluctant to say no ti a girls night out to have a date told me where my priorities lie.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 27/12/2023 17:37

This won't be a popular opinion but I honestly think man are happier settling for good enough than women are.

When women are looking for a partner they're generally after fireworks, tummy flips, Fanny flutters, romance, thunderbolts, etc.

I think mens' bars are much lower.

AlexaWhatsMyName · 27/12/2023 19:20

It would be enlightening to hear what men think on the topic

SoCalLiving · 27/12/2023 20:41

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 27/12/2023 17:37

This won't be a popular opinion but I honestly think man are happier settling for good enough than women are.

When women are looking for a partner they're generally after fireworks, tummy flips, Fanny flutters, romance, thunderbolts, etc.

I think mens' bars are much lower.

In my experience middle aged women are pickier in other ways…as in they have higher standards often in light of past experience of relationship breakdown.

From what I’ve seen in my circles, middle aged women who’ve had a long term relationship breakdown usually won’t put up with men who won’t pull their weight around the house etc, or who don’t put effort in romantically.

SamW98 · 27/12/2023 20:49

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 27/12/2023 17:37

This won't be a popular opinion but I honestly think man are happier settling for good enough than women are.

When women are looking for a partner they're generally after fireworks, tummy flips, Fanny flutters, romance, thunderbolts, etc.

I think mens' bars are much lower.

I agree. I think there are a lot of men who come out of a long marriage and want a replacement wife to cook and clean for them with the odd shag thrown in.

Whereas woman come out of a long marriage, the kids are older and they embrace the freedom to be more than a wife and mother

I would say the vast majority of my single fritnds say they have no desire to live with a man again. They’re happy to date but want to maintain their own lives and space

AuntMarch · 27/12/2023 21:00

It would take something amazing to fall in my lap (because I'm not actively looking for it!) For me to change my single status. Some men I know just want "comfortable" and someone to cook their tea.
pp made an interesting point, the one single male friend who does seem more picky has his DC 75% of the time..

NP101 · 28/12/2023 01:01

Most men have far lower standards - someone who is kind will suit most men. Career, looks, hobbies, charisma, competence etc won't come into it all that much.

Men are also happy to date much younger which widens the pool of available partners.

SingleMum11 · 28/12/2023 01:39

I think men have a LOT more women who are interested in a relationship, women half their age will consider it.

Whereas in general women will have a LOT more men willing to have sex quickly, but few who settle down with them esp if they are near their age.

I have several relations, brother, father, uncles etc who all divorced mid life and are all with women nearly 20 years younger. None of those women are particularly nice to be honest, but they are young…

Sigh! It’s not a great reflection on men or women.

Redlarge · 28/12/2023 10:45

Men need women more than women need or want men.

G5000 · 28/12/2023 10:52

Men need someone else to take care of them. Cook, clean, do the mental load, book their doctor's appointments etc etc.
Many middle aged women have realised that marriage is a con for women and the happiest people are married men and single women. We (if we wanted to) have had our kids, we have our friends and social circle, I can manage everthing in my life perfectly well - we're good. Rare to find a man who would add much positive here.

Livelifelaughter · 28/12/2023 12:09

I agree with most of these comments. But as a middle aged woman you get to a point where life slaps you in the face...I remember weeks after weeks with sick parents having no one to comfort me, look after me or make sure I was alright. I go on holiday with friends and whenever we arrive they text their husbands, partners etc...unfortunately my dog isn't on WhatsApp. There's a completely different dynamic to male company. I have friends (married) who tell me how lucky I am not to be in a shit relationship like theirs...well they haven't left it and why is a good single life comparable to a shit marriage. So, I don't entirely agree that women stay single because they want to. I am 55 and have lots of single friends, none would prefer being single over a good relationship... it's just that is very hard to find.

HamBone · 28/12/2023 13:11

Redlarge · 28/12/2023 10:45

Men need women more than women need or want men.

@Redlarge My Dad was certainly like that when my Mum passed away, he just couldn’t cope on his own. emotionally and mentally. Luckily he met my lovely SM and she looked after him.

I absolutely know that if it had been the other way around (Mum widowed instead of him), she’d have been fine. My SM was also widowed and was managing very well.

SamW98 · 28/12/2023 13:33

My dad got quite emotional over Christmas worrying that me and my sister are both single and - to quote him - ‘you don’t have a man to look after you at your age, (we’re 55 and 53)

Me and my sister just looked at each other and thought ‘why would we want a bloody man?’

Bowbobobo · 28/12/2023 15:22

Livelifelaughter · 28/12/2023 12:09

I agree with most of these comments. But as a middle aged woman you get to a point where life slaps you in the face...I remember weeks after weeks with sick parents having no one to comfort me, look after me or make sure I was alright. I go on holiday with friends and whenever we arrive they text their husbands, partners etc...unfortunately my dog isn't on WhatsApp. There's a completely different dynamic to male company. I have friends (married) who tell me how lucky I am not to be in a shit relationship like theirs...well they haven't left it and why is a good single life comparable to a shit marriage. So, I don't entirely agree that women stay single because they want to. I am 55 and have lots of single friends, none would prefer being single over a good relationship... it's just that is very hard to find.

I think this nails it. I’m 61, divorced. I can live life very very happily single, but having a DP who cheerleads, supports and comforts me when I need it - eg when my DF was dying this year, or when my adult DC are struggling - is quite simply amazing to me. He cares, full stop. We don’t live together, share no DC or assets, and we never will. But we look after each other. So yes, a good relationship wins, no relationship comes second, in last place is an ok-to-bad relationship (ie most relationships, I would say).

category12 · 28/12/2023 15:45

SamW98 · 28/12/2023 13:33

My dad got quite emotional over Christmas worrying that me and my sister are both single and - to quote him - ‘you don’t have a man to look after you at your age, (we’re 55 and 53)

Me and my sister just looked at each other and thought ‘why would we want a bloody man?’

😂 Sadly a lot of men seem to want more "looking after" than they do in return.

Starryskies1 · 28/12/2023 16:16

I think a lot of women have their children more often than their ex. My ex found someone quite quickly. He may be of the type who can’t be on his own but seems happy enough. I am probably picky but have met men that are also. Maybe a better description is for the self aware types male or female, know what they do and don’t want.

Livemenot · 28/12/2023 18:23

Men have more choice, they can choose younger women. Whereas women tend to choose someone of the same age or older.

MarvellousMonsters · 31/12/2023 14:59

Livelifelaughter · 28/12/2023 12:09

I agree with most of these comments. But as a middle aged woman you get to a point where life slaps you in the face...I remember weeks after weeks with sick parents having no one to comfort me, look after me or make sure I was alright. I go on holiday with friends and whenever we arrive they text their husbands, partners etc...unfortunately my dog isn't on WhatsApp. There's a completely different dynamic to male company. I have friends (married) who tell me how lucky I am not to be in a shit relationship like theirs...well they haven't left it and why is a good single life comparable to a shit marriage. So, I don't entirely agree that women stay single because they want to. I am 55 and have lots of single friends, none would prefer being single over a good relationship... it's just that is very hard to find.

I'm 55, I definitely prefer being single.

Jas1069 · 12/01/2024 19:19

lol!! As a Middle Aged guy I just had to reply to this question! It SO much harder for a guy to get a gal than the other way round!! Studies show this. On average on dating sites an average guy will get maybe 2 or 3 messages a month. Whereas a woman will get dozens!! (Google it). If it seems this hard to you ladies on mumsnet, just imagine the hard time us gets are having. Most of us end up getting labelled (demeaningly) as ‘nice guys’ or friendzoned. Trust me. It’s so much harder for a guy to attract a woman than for a woman to attract a man.
Dont believe me? Try winking at 10 different guys and I guarantee you’ll get a response from at least 7 of them!! Imagine a guy trying that!!? lol

StragglyTinsel · 12/01/2024 19:22

The mere volume does not tell the whole story.

Sure, wink at 10 and you’ll get responses from 7. But the 7 probably won’t manage to get anywhere near the bar you’ve set at hovering a millimetre above the ground. So it doesn’t matter.