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Original poster

End marriage over housework

117 replies

MarySplitmas · 19/12/2023 15:24

I can't quite believe I'm writing this and I have read hundreds of threads on this topic over the years yet here I am, considering divorce over housework.
Background - together 14 years, married 5, 2 kids aged 1 and 2, 2 dogs and renovating our house. Crippled by nursery fees but we just get by.
He works 50 hours a week. I went back to work 5 months ago to a new job that's WFH eventhough it's a huge pay cut (I used to be a teacher and worked more and earned more than him, but needed more work life balance) 30 which I do when kids are at nursery then I make up a few hours after they are in bed. Neither of us do any hobbies at the moment though we used to - life is just so hectic.
I had a shitty upbringing with a narc mother, 4(?) stepdads and some awful experiences. I think this is why when we first got to together I was happy to play house and do most of the housework as I just craved that calm family home and slipped straight into the stereotype, I just wanted a normal family.
Fast forward to now (after kids) and oh my goodness. The resentment is like a poison in me and I can hardly look at him. I feel like I do so much more in terms of cleaning, tidying, laundry, tidying and he 'just doesn't see it'. A few months ago I completely lost it and said he'd have to start pulling his weight when I'm back at work, he promised he would but nothing has changed. He didn't seem genuinely sorry either and I just feel like a nag whenever I ask him to do something.
He says he has no time and he's right, he's not in any way off playing football or watching TV or anything ever. But I do the chores with the kids on my day off or on the weekend while we're all here - holding the baby. If he's holding the baby or playing with them, he won't do anything else. He says that he does more garden and does all the house renovations which is true, but by gardening I mean mowing 3 times in the summer and when he's renovating, I take the kids out for the day so he can do it.
He has really low standards and wouldn't be bothered by dust or a dirty bathroom. He isn't bothered by mess. I don't touch his laundry.
Is this fixable as I feel like I can't see a way out?

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 15:04

FGS the guy has got so many strengths but he’s getting battered for not thinking like a woman wrt the chores

How do "women" think about chores?

Watchkeys · 21/12/2023 15:15

@Quitelikeit

FGS the guy has got so many strengths but he’s getting battered for not thinking like a woman wrt the chores

What does 'thinking like a woman' mean? Surely this is about respect? OP wouldn't have to 'think like a man' in order to, for example, not mess up his stuff, would she?

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 22:45

@Watchkeys

she is talking about divorce over something minor - to me!

my husband has left a nappy out before and rarely changes the sheets! He doesn’t take laundry up and rarely cooks a meal. I wouldn’t let him near the supermarket!!!

We both work FT.

He does clean the kitchen though and does a few other bits. Do I wish he could think like me and be all over what needs doing? Yes!!

But he isn’t, he won’t change, I won’t force him to and I won’t think about divorcing him!

we work as a team and to our strengths and don’t believe in forcing things on each other (maybe occasionally) as that way lies aggro and upset.

fixies · 22/12/2023 20:52

The problem is there's no time. He's working 50h a week. I would t prioritise housework if I was him either. I get it. I really do. But you need to just ride through this. Young kids are a full time job alone. Never mind your pretty much full time job and his almost 2 jobs.

Whatever you need to do to make it easier do it. We order the same shop EVERY week pretty much. We do guosto boxes to help with coolking. Bulk things are added once s month. Takes the thought out of shopping . Get cleaner- even once a month will help. If you are back at work, can he reduce his hours?

Our house is a tip. It's embarrassing. We moved in 2 years ago and have done virtually nothing. But I've come to the conclusion that we just can't until the youngest (2) is older. So agree some short term things. Prioritise a tidy home over renovations. Agree tasks and take it from there . No one can do it all. People who do have help - bought in or otherwise.

I don't think you want to end it.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 22/12/2023 21:49

The problem is there's no time. He's working 50h a week. I would t prioritise housework if I was him either. I get it. I really do.

Do you think that if he was a single dad working 50 hors a week, he wouldn’t prioritise housework too?
Saying ‘I don’t prioritise that’ is only possible when there is someone else to pick up the pieces. Otherwise, you do like e everyone else, you suck it up/buy some help with a cleaner etc….

Original poster
MarySplitmas · 30/12/2023 22:09

Ok so since the day I posted this like I said, we split things. Life and our relationship is much better though I have found it quite hard to 'lower my standards'.
We had guests round yesterday who commented on how lovely and clean/tidy the house always is (I felt like it was a mess) which made me realise how people see things differently.
I always used to feel the pressure of doing 'extra cleaning' on days off work, but the last few days I've tried to just chill about it and not stress.
My sister spoke to me today about our mum growing up. She was abusive and obsessive about cleaning and tidying. Her rule was the noone sits down if there's something that can be done and I'm wondering if that is coming into play here.
He has kept up everything we agreed so far. We have discussed getting a cleaner in the new year as well.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/12/2023 22:32

MarySplitmas · 30/12/2023 22:09

Ok so since the day I posted this like I said, we split things. Life and our relationship is much better though I have found it quite hard to 'lower my standards'.
We had guests round yesterday who commented on how lovely and clean/tidy the house always is (I felt like it was a mess) which made me realise how people see things differently.
I always used to feel the pressure of doing 'extra cleaning' on days off work, but the last few days I've tried to just chill about it and not stress.
My sister spoke to me today about our mum growing up. She was abusive and obsessive about cleaning and tidying. Her rule was the noone sits down if there's something that can be done and I'm wondering if that is coming into play here.
He has kept up everything we agreed so far. We have discussed getting a cleaner in the new year as well.

Brutally, I think the way you grew up is absolutely key, plus so many men just ‘don’t see’ mess. It drives me nuts to have washing up left when I go to bed, so I do it. My Dh doesn’t see the mud his boots have left or the dust on the furniture, nor does he care. He does loads, however-all the finances, dog walks, DIY, but I just wish he’d occasionally clean the bathroom!

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 31/12/2023 08:04

@MarySplitmas its lovely to see that you’ve found a compromise with your DH and that it’s working for you. It’s actually quite unusual on MN so thank you for updating us all.

Re your mother.
There is no way the way she was didn’t have an impact on you and on how you feel about HW/house cleaning etc… But I’m impressed by the clarity you are getting. I suspect thé more clarity you have, the easier it will be to let go of whatever you now feel is too much - maybe the need to always be doing something/cleaning rather than relaxing rather than the hw standards.

A really good way to finish the year :)
To the start if a new year 🥂🥂

pickledandpuzzled · 31/12/2023 08:23

I had a similar upbringing, @MarySplitmas

Sadly I don’t have the capacity for a fabulous perfect house and it actually left me desperately unhappy I knew my house wasn’t clean and tidy enough and I couldn’t get there no matter how hard I tried so I beat myself relentlessly and was sharp with my kids and husband. I didn’t feel he wasn’t pulling his weight, but he is a messy bugger whereas I’m good at not making mess in the first place.

I’m so pleased you are finding a way through. Keep working on it together- there will be blips, but discuss them instead of feeling overwhelmed and bursting with frustration. Pause and check in regularly, to check neither of you have fallen back into old habits.

Original poster
MarySplitmas · 31/12/2023 08:34

@pickledandpuzzled this is exactly how I feel. I'm also constantly comparing my home to others'. We are still renovating as well so seems to always be dusty.
Thanks @TheGhostOfTheOpera , clarity has come with time and after much reading I feel like I do understand how her influence has impacted me, yet it's still so hard to stop it from happening. My husband had a wonderful upbringing and does his best to support me through the various ups and downs with my mother. It's no coincidence that I had a horrible day with her on the day this house work issue happened. But he's acknowledged that he isn't doing enough and like I said, so far so good.
Thanks for everyone's advice and Happy New Year!

OP posts:
harerunner · 31/12/2023 08:45

everyredsock · 20/12/2023 04:49

I normally totally get the OPs frustration with threads like these but I think there's a few things going on here.
You're both tired and burnt out. Perhaps he needs to do more but also, you need to be happier with doing less.
The happiest families I know live in quite chaotic, messy homes. The fact of the matter is with two very young children you can't keep on top of everything. If you try, you'll be resentful and never stop.
Either get a cleaner or lower your standards.

I agree. Your DH may not be perfect, but he seems to be working hard and is very involved in home life to the extent he's not bumming around in front of the tv or out even has any hobbies....even if he's not reaching the standards you want him to.

I'm quite liberal with my use of LTB, but this isn't one of them. There's a lot you can both do before it gets to that stage, the first of which is lower your standards on housework... It's impossible to be happy, have 2 young kids, both be working full time (or nearly full time) and have a pristine house. The happiest families embrace a degree of chaos.

harerunner · 31/12/2023 08:55

Ebokebok · 20/12/2023 17:39

"Thinking like a woman". Fucking hell, I despair.

In general terms, men and women do think differently. That's just biology! It doesn't give men an excuse to be lazy and thoughtless though.

If you can't cope with the idea that men and women are different, you shouldn't be in a relationship!

witmum · 31/12/2023 09:01

A cleaner would be cheaper than slipping up. Even if just once a fortnight.

I had the same resentment. I now outsource, my mum irons work shirts (she loves ironing and I used to resist help), ready meals and a cleaner.

Ebokebok · 31/12/2023 12:27

harerunner · 31/12/2023 08:55

In general terms, men and women do think differently. That's just biology! It doesn't give men an excuse to be lazy and thoughtless though.

If you can't cope with the idea that men and women are different, you shouldn't be in a relationship!

Show quote history

Can you give an example of how it differs?

Comtesse · 31/12/2023 12:48

Don’t bring the crappy energy from your mum home again now - this is a very different situation! Great that you have noticed this linkage.

Working at home all the time will not be good for this - feeling neurotic about stuff that’s done/ not done all the time. Can you go into the office occasionally? It’s helpful from a work perspective too.

I was wondering about his job. He’s working 50 hrs but you were better paid as a teacher. Should he be looking to move to something better paid/ less hours over time?

harerunner · 31/12/2023 14:04

@Ebokebok

Here's one of many articles on the subject:

www.cbc.ca/news/health/men-women-brains-difference-1.3473154

The issue only comes when we use the fact that men and women's brains are different as an excuse for poor behaviour by men. Any successful partnership that doesn't disintegrate into resentment recognises that each member has complementary skills. The issue comes when those skills are poorly balanced or one person lazily doesn't use their abilities like the other partner.

Ebokebok · 31/12/2023 15:05

harerunner · 31/12/2023 14:04

@Ebokebok

Here's one of many articles on the subject:

www.cbc.ca/news/health/men-women-brains-difference-1.3473154

The issue only comes when we use the fact that men and women's brains are different as an excuse for poor behaviour by men. Any successful partnership that doesn't disintegrate into resentment recognises that each member has complementary skills. The issue comes when those skills are poorly balanced or one person lazily doesn't use their abilities like the other partner.

I was interested in a specific example from you.

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