End marriage over housework

[MarySplitmas]

I can't quite believe I'm writing this and I have read hundreds of threads on this topic over the years yet here I am, considering divorce over housework.
Background - together 14 years, married 5, 2 kids aged 1 and 2, 2 dogs and renovating our house. Crippled by nursery fees but we just get by.
He works 50 hours a week. I went back to work 5 months ago to a new job that's WFH eventhough it's a huge pay cut (I used to be a teacher and worked more and earned more than him, but needed more work life balance) 30 which I do when kids are at nursery then I make up a few hours after they are in bed. Neither of us do any hobbies at the moment though we used to - life is just so hectic.
I had a shitty upbringing with a narc mother, 4(?) stepdads and some awful experiences. I think this is why when we first got to together I was happy to play house and do most of the housework as I just craved that calm family home and slipped straight into the stereotype, I just wanted a normal family.
Fast forward to now (after kids) and oh my goodness. The resentment is like a poison in me and I can hardly look at him. I feel like I do so much more in terms of cleaning, tidying, laundry, tidying and he 'just doesn't see it'. A few months ago I completely lost it and said he'd have to start pulling his weight when I'm back at work, he promised he would but nothing has changed. He didn't seem genuinely sorry either and I just feel like a nag whenever I ask him to do something.
He says he has no time and he's right, he's not in any way off playing football or watching TV or anything ever. But I do the chores with the kids on my day off or on the weekend while we're all here - holding the baby. If he's holding the baby or playing with them, he won't do anything else. He says that he does more garden and does all the house renovations which is true, but by gardening I mean mowing 3 times in the summer and when he's renovating, I take the kids out for the day so he can do it.
He has really low standards and wouldn't be bothered by dust or a dirty bathroom. He isn't bothered by mess. I don't touch his laundry.
Is this fixable as I feel like I can't see a way out?

@bonzaitree yes. I think WFH has contributed to this as I find it hard to leave stuff when I can see it all day. Now I just think, I'll quickly sort that while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil when I should just leave it.
He said to me this morning, as he's now totally in charge of the dishes as of our convo last night, that it's too much of a rush for him to unload the dishwasher in the morning (whilst trying to feed and dress kids) so all breakfast stuff and stuff I use in the day can go in the big sink. Then after dinner he will unload and load and wash up all at once. Seems fair enough to me. Previously I would try to do this after he'd gone to work and before I drop the kids at nursery so it felt like and another 'unseen' job.

I find the "your standards are just higher" argument is only really used by men with incredibly low standards who don't pull their weight. I do not run a show home but the examples with shit stains, nappies left around and sick are all gross. I've also had to have the shit stain argument. Now if he's in the house I go and get him to clean it!

Believe me he’s not all bad compared to the others I read about on here

What's the point of this sort of comment, other than to get OP to minimise her feelings of discomfort?

@MarySplitmas i feel like yur dh needs to be left for the weekend with both dcs. Expected to look after them, cook, clean, do whatever is needed at the weekend (like clean the house)
And to do this for a few weekends.

It taught my dh that
1- looking after two young dcs wasn’t as easy as he thought
2- he found ways to deal with all of the issues his ways
3- was much more appreciative of the work I did.
It didn’t mean I was expecting to do it all all the time. But he learnt that some if stuff he used to say were just excuses. Nothing else.

He gets the baby dressed and leaves the dirty nappy, change mat and pyjamas strewn across the sofa. If he needs the sofa later, he just moves it all to the floor.

Thats absolutely disgusting and unhygienic!!
And that’s Wo mentioning the fact you have a toddler who could grab it at any moment.
Thats a ‘i need to meet him half way’ territory.

@TheGhostOfTheOpera thanks. He has had them over the weekend before and manages cooking and takes them out to do stuff. But in that time he wouldn't clean the bathroom or do laundry or anything as he wouldn't see the need (bathroom looks ok, plenty of clean clothes). He does make sure kitchen and living room are tidy of an evening but throughout the day they would be a tip whereas I'm a more 'tidy as I go' type person.
He could have them by himself for a month and wouldn't think to dust, wash bedding, mop floors or anything like that. He just doesn't get why those things need to be done. Hopefully he will now!

I should add he loves having them solo. I find bedtime with the 2 of them tricky but he's such a laid back person. Never moans or complains and just says what a great time they've all had. And I'm like yes I would too if I didn't have to keep on top of all of the other shit!

I have a husband like this- down to the nappies and occasionally towel-on-the-sick type things so you have my sympathy.

@TheGhostOfTheOpera tell me about it. Not a soiled nappy I will add - I'm talking a wee nappy in a bag and then kids are off for breakfast and to nursery so not like anyone is in there after but it does my head in. If he and the kids are there he would deal with it.
@Sandpitnotmoshpit I know right. But his parents have quite low standards too and they are the happiest people I know and they just don't care if their house isn't up to anyone else's standards. It's tidy when people come over and beautifully decorated, old house with a layer of dust on everything! Just doesn't bother them.
The sick I was fuming about and he was all apologetic 🙄 how could you forget?!

I hope you're not doing any of his laundry. Let him feel the consequences of not washing and ironing his clothes.

This puts a new spin on it. Leaving sick-soaked sheets on the floor and sick on the carpet is just revolting. It's not just a bit messy. If you weren't there, would he just leave the sheets there permanently?

FGS the guy has got so many strengths but he’s getting battered for not thinking like a woman wrt the chores

You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you think you can change his core beliefs and values around cleaning!

He works 10 hours a day fgs!

You are clearly not interested in working to your own strengths and seem determined to make his strengths into one’s you prefer. Good luck with that because he ain’t you.

"Thinking like a woman". Fucking hell, I despair.

He feels like it doesn't hurt anyone so what's the point in making work for ourselves

Because it matters to you and he respects you. It hurts your feelings.

My dh has a real problem with when I ask him to do / not do something and it’s exhausting. The latest argument is because I asked him not to leave clothes at the top of the stairs (draping over the top step so in my opinion one of us could slip on it) he came home yesterday and I had put a few small items on the bottom step and so it came out- why should he move the things on the top step if I left something on the bottom? Why do we have to do what I want? He doesn’t think it’s dangerous so why should he do it? I said I would just like to be able to say can you or pick up your pants and he just do it rather than arguing. I’m so drained

My husband finds it easier to ignore mess. He is also out the house 5/6 days a week from 6ish til half 4ish so a lot less time to look at the mess. When your at home all day and can see or looking at things that needs to be done it can be stressful and when your doing other things worried about other things you ‘should’ get done. Guilt for sitting with a coffee cos you could have used that time to clean a floor or put washing away. My husbands brain doesn’t work this way however he does make dinner every night and the food shopping every week too and works long hours and never complains. We are both shattered with a young baby and doing our best.

Hands on for me OP means that all jobs around the house and the kids are equally shared and no one expects for the other to pick up the slack, it's called team work. He takes the kids out so that you can go and have a haircut, well that's nice but he doesn't deserve a medal for it as they are his kids too. He should be helping around the house and not leaving mess behind waiting for you to sort it all out - that would be a good start as it's not fair. If you can, get a cleaner as the others have said, but I am not sure this will completely resolve the issues at hand.

He just doesn't get why it all needs to put away when it's all going to come back out the next day.

Oh, well in that case, why bother cooking when you're only going to be hungry again in a few hours. Why bother having a shower when you're only going to get dirty again. Why bother emptying the bins when they're only going to get full again.

It's a ridiculous argument, OP.

What were the answers to the questions, though? Having a discussion about why you're allowed to leave things on the stairs and he isn't is respectful. Why does it have to be an argument? I think I'd be asking the same questions as him, really, and expecting a respectful answer, rather than being dismissed as 'causing an argument'.

Did he ask calmly? Did you answer calmly?

I'd just say to him "if you can't do the housework while watching the kids, then neither can I. So we are going to take turns one of us takes the kids out every Saturday all day while the other does all the housework (squeeze the lot into 2 hours then have some time to yourself on your day!) and from now on my extra day off with the kids will be spent the way you do - playing with them and having fun"

This.

I'm not sure why there has to be an argument here. I wouldn't want stuff on the top step of the stair, if the compromise I had to make was to not put stuff on the bottom step I'd be happy with that. There must be somewhere adjacent to the stairs this stuff can go.

I can honestly say my H works incredibly hard at his job and all kinds of hours (self employed but well paid) but he does next to zero in the house- and has always been like this . he quite likes doing the weekly shop with me but that's about it - he seriously really doesn't notice mess or dust etc

We no longer have a child at home but he still does zero- so I consciously work less hard in our business to balance it out- I'm 61 and think, if you can't be arsed to do any housework, I can't be arsed to give 100% to work

Yes we did. The place he put clothes was draped over the top step down the steps so if you imagine standing on it and then slipping down a slide. I put a few small items on the bottom 2 steps to the side.

Sorry I think you are asking how I asked about it? I asked in a nice way would you mind not putting clothes on the top stair incase anyone slip down sort of thing.. got a bit of a huff and then reluctantly moves them. Fast forward to weeks later and I leave the few small items in the bottom and it comes up. He doesn’t understand why I can leave the things there and not him. I explain as the position and slide effect. He doesn’t want to not do it. Says it’s does not agree with me so why should he not put things there.. this is what I mean by argument.

Is leaving a dirty nappy on the floor one if his strength there?

Yes this guy isn’t one if the worst.
No the OP isn’t the one who should be setting up standards.

BUT I think we can agree some stuff are basic. Putting a dirty nappy in the bin. Changing bedsheets. Taking responsibility fir knowing what is needed in the house of you are the one to the shopping.
Were not talking about not folding the bedsheet ‘properly’ or dusting the skirting boards here.