End marriage over housework

[MarySplitmas]

I can't quite believe I'm writing this and I have read hundreds of threads on this topic over the years yet here I am, considering divorce over housework.
Background - together 14 years, married 5, 2 kids aged 1 and 2, 2 dogs and renovating our house. Crippled by nursery fees but we just get by.
He works 50 hours a week. I went back to work 5 months ago to a new job that's WFH eventhough it's a huge pay cut (I used to be a teacher and worked more and earned more than him, but needed more work life balance) 30 which I do when kids are at nursery then I make up a few hours after they are in bed. Neither of us do any hobbies at the moment though we used to - life is just so hectic.
I had a shitty upbringing with a narc mother, 4(?) stepdads and some awful experiences. I think this is why when we first got to together I was happy to play house and do most of the housework as I just craved that calm family home and slipped straight into the stereotype, I just wanted a normal family.
Fast forward to now (after kids) and oh my goodness. The resentment is like a poison in me and I can hardly look at him. I feel like I do so much more in terms of cleaning, tidying, laundry, tidying and he 'just doesn't see it'. A few months ago I completely lost it and said he'd have to start pulling his weight when I'm back at work, he promised he would but nothing has changed. He didn't seem genuinely sorry either and I just feel like a nag whenever I ask him to do something.
He says he has no time and he's right, he's not in any way off playing football or watching TV or anything ever. But I do the chores with the kids on my day off or on the weekend while we're all here - holding the baby. If he's holding the baby or playing with them, he won't do anything else. He says that he does more garden and does all the house renovations which is true, but by gardening I mean mowing 3 times in the summer and when he's renovating, I take the kids out for the day so he can do it.
He has really low standards and wouldn't be bothered by dust or a dirty bathroom. He isn't bothered by mess. I don't touch his laundry.
Is this fixable as I feel like I can't see a way out?

As you say, as good or better. ✔️

Isn't it because you have much less time with small children? Parenting older children is hard in a different way, but you have more time. With small children you are getting them dressed, taking them to the toilet, watching them on the stairs, making snacks, cleaning spilt food, carrying etc. Contrast my last hour. I am WFH today. DH took DD2 to swimming. DD1 poked her head round the office door, asked me to pass her the wrapping paper and went downstairs to wrap presents for her school friends. I walked downstairs 45 minutes later and then had a chat with her about her day. If she was 2, I would have been with her solidly from the moment she got in.

he is by far the better cleaner

Based on a very small sample size I've always thought men are more thorough cleaners.

It's definitely an about feeling disrespected and like he doesn't care. I have tried to explain this to him but he just doesn't get it. I also have form for feeling insecure due to my crappy parents so I find it hard to judge if I'm being too sensitive.
It's not like I want him to go and clean the bathrooms for an hour, I want him to give the toilet a quick once over while he's in there for example. Or use the squeegee thing after a shower so the screen isn't covered in limescale which I have to scrub off (again he thinks what's the point?)
Last night I asked him to tidy Dd's room while he put her bed. This morning there were just piles of stuff pushed the edge, clothes toys etc. He just doesn't get why it all needs to put away when it's all going to come back out the next day. But I really struggle with the clutter.
Classic example is my hands are never empty when going up and down the stairs, even when I'm holding the baby I've got washing or something. He just doesn't think like that.
His parents don't clean much but their home is a place of joy and love. His mum would rather be gardening or baking than cleaning, and he has this attitude.

I had this in my clipboard as posted it elsewhere. I'll post it here as semi relevant I suppose.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Maybe he could read it, send it to him and explain what's going on.

I don't know. I hope you find some solution, even if that solution is seperating.

You shouldn’t have gone part-time and taken a big pay cut.

He’ll always see you as the default cleaner / childminder because you spend less time in paid employment.

Why do women do this to themselves?

Classic example is my hands are never empty when going up and down the stairs,

Yeah, any time I'm moving from once place to another I'm checking for things that need to go there, especially the stairs.

It's so simple and so effective, but I'm the only one in my household who does it.

@Usernamen I've always said I would never go part time and went back full time after my first. I was seeing my kids for 30 minutes a day. My baby was 6 months. I didn't want to carry on like that which I don't think is crazy? Now I work 4 days a week because I like doing activities on my day off with the kids. He offered to go 4 days a week (we can't afford the extra day in nursery) but I wanted to go to mums group with my mates. But you're right that I end up cleaning on that day so obviously he's used to it being done then.
Thanks @KissTheRains I actually read that once before and thought about forwarding it on....I think I will tonight!
He doesn't expect me to clean. He wouldn't care if I cleaned or not. He doesn't expect dinner on the table or for me to wash his clothes or anything. His standards are just so much lower and having 2 little kids has really shed a light his lack of proactiveness when it comes to cleaning I guess.
Also very keen to watch that documentary, off to find it now!

I've read a great line in a book saying that women were led to believe that we can have it all, whereas in practice it means we do it all and there's a huge difference, it just stayed with me as it's so true. No advice as such but a hands on partner makes a world of difference to a working mum's life.

I don’t quite understand how you were only seeing your kids 30 minutes a day? Did you work 7 days a week? Did you not get 3 months’ leave plus bank holidays like most teachers?

Sorry if I missed the details from your other posts, but it seems to me that your time with your kids was pretty normal for working parents. There was no need to self-sabotage and make yourself financially vulnerable.

@Usernamen sorry I meant after my mat leave working full time teaching. I would leave the house just as DD got up and get home after she was in bed. I would also work 10 - 4 on a Sunday planning and marking. Certainly didn't seem like the norm among working parents around here and for me was not enough time with my daughter at all, but that's all personal preference obviously and varies between families. I'm only 7 hours down from full time now, in a career with a better pension and better progression opportunity so hardly career sabotage.

We had a long chat this eve and have allocated whole tasks as advised up thread. He's going to do all food shopping, we've got one kids bedroom each, he'll do all dishwasher and dishes, kids nursery bags and lunches, down stairs loo, dog bedding and our bedding, hoovering, emptying fire ash, bins. I'll do dusting, upstairs bathroom, kids laundry and whatever else I already do that I can't remember. We'll have to see how it goes. He was apologetic and tried to explain how much of this never happened in his house (still doesn't) growing up. He said he has got loads better at tidying up since I lost my shit about that about 2 years ago (first person downstairs after bedtime tidies up kitchen and kitchen and living room) and that he can make other changes too.
Also talked about each of us trying to make some time one eve a week to go and do a hobby or something as I think it'll help break the relentlessness of the home life cycle.

@RadRad that's so true. I really struggle with the phrase 'hands on' as it's so hard to define. I read on here and know plenty of people on rl where the husband does nothing and sits around while the wife makes dinner and sorts the kids, then he's gaming all eve and off playing football or something on the weekend. So then I feel like I'm 'lucky' and guilty for being resentful of mine, like I should be grateful he tries?! But also that he should be doing 50% and I shouldn't have to ask/remind him what to do?!
He'll gladly take the kids solo for a day so I can see friends or get a haircut or whatever, takes them on all sorts of adventures and would never say no if I asked so I guess he's hands on in that sense.

Proof will be in the pudding OP. Looks promising.

Let’s hope he sticks to his side of it, time will tell.

*Ihate this idea that ‘you are at the hardest point with two young dcs’.

Often, that comment is just the equivalent of

It’s hard now. But when tte dcs are older and easier, you won’t mind as much. And you’ll have git used to it anyway.

I’ve never quite understood why people think why, if someone didn’t get their acts together when things are hard, they would somehow make more if an effort when things are easier.*

Well she had plenty of childfree years with him before and coped with that, so yes little kids are very relevant.

In the middle of the drudgery it can seem appealing to escape or blame a partner, split a family. But then that kid is going between two homes. One parent might not have a stable place for them to stay, or disappear. new partners. New kids. Step kids. Arguing. Sadness. Over housework. Like I said, explore other options first.

@Mummysatthebodyshop exploring other options is good advice. I was so upset this morning I felt like my life would be easier without him but you are right - not necessarily the case.

He said he has got loads better at tidying up since I lost my shit about that about 2 years ago

Do you agree with him, or is he just talking a good game, to shut you up?

I don't know if there is an app, though there might be by now, I found the website, then went to the author's YouTube to find the documentary and bought the book and cards on amazon. I think it's a great idea, but it's not foolproof and requires both partners to buy in. I also think you could read the book/watch the doc and then adapt it to suit you and/or make your own cards.

Gosh give the guy a chance! He was raised this way and people can’t just magically alter their inner fabric

Your real issue is you have two under two, you are shattered and not getting much joy out of life

Life will get easier, and cheaper. The guy works 50 hours a week, will take the kids off you when asked and does chores. Believe me he’s not all bad compared to the others I read about on here

If you guys need anything it’s a date night and a cleaner!

The only way to navigate this situation is to get a cleaner. I'm really clean and tidy but if I wasn't and my partner was constantly on my back about what I wasn't doing, I'd end up so resentful. Just get a cleaner twice a week and save yourself the headache.

One good piece of advice my mother gave me was "have your own departments". So my dad was in charge of the car for example. My mum did all the bills. My dad was good at hanging out washing so he always hung it out and brought it in and aired it etc. am
Trying to think of other things. It might help. Good luck

Who do you mean by "you"?
Is it both parents or just one specific parent?

There's a few things that jump out:

1. weaponised incompetence

2. "man's" jobs that take less time and effort

3. mental burden of executing his jobs

The reality is, women are initiating divorce in 70% of cases because of this exact scenario.

Tell him that you expect him to do half of the housework and childcare when he is at home. Do not give him instructions. Hand him the kids and go away for the weekend.

He works 50 hours a week. That's quite a lot of the week he's out of the house....six days a week? I don't blame him if he doesn't want to do housework in his spare time. JustIt sounds like I'm his spare time he has no hobbies, he just wants to spend time with the children he provides for. Sure the housework is stressing you, just hire a cleaner for a few hours every fortnight or something ffs.