Page 4 | He bought a women home

tinker2190 · 2023-12-17T21:23:38+00:00

My husband and I (both 31) have been married for 8 years, together 10. He works in a male dominated industry, there are 3 women in his department, the other 15 are men. One of the females colleagues has been working on a project with him for a month and a half. Two weeks ago he invited her back to our home without telling me. They were in the house for half an hour and he tells me she was just waiting whilst he got ready. I think I'm overreacting and need others to tell me so. But I'm so upset about it that I haven't told anyone, not my best girl friends or family. I just think if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that had done that he'd be so jealous. To help with context our relationship doesn't usually have jealousy like this, we both have our own hobbies, neither been jealous of others flirting with us, no abuse from either side of relationship. We function well and communicate well. Both have had therapy, due to individual problems not relationship ones.

Ormside · 18/12/2023 05:10

This is such a non-event. Unless there's a massive dripfeed on its way and he's previously brought OW home for sex, you are being hugely unreasonable. DH (of 30 years) wouldn't say anything if the tables were turned either.

Nonplusultra · 18/12/2023 05:36

I think I’d feel a bit off about this and I’m not sure I could put my finger on why. I just don’t like the idea of someone, I don’t know, being in my home when I’m not there.

I can absolutely empathise with you feeling rattled by that. Thinking about it, my discomfort is probably more tied up in the social conditioning that sees women judged for the state of their houses and homes in a way men aren’t. I’d feel a bit vulnerable at the thought of a strange woman I haven’t met, left alone in my kitchen thinking whoknowswhat about my decor choices while I’m not even there.

And I’m fully prepared to own that I’ve got all sorts of serious issues 😂 But no, I wouldn’t be cool with this at all.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 18/12/2023 05:42

Lovelyjubbbly · 17/12/2023 21:55

@CandyLeBonBon what sort of weirdo would allow there partner to bring another women home when ur not there 😂😂😂😂😂 just wouldn’t happen in my scenario no chance . Of shoe was on other foot would be accused of all sorts nahhhh

I don't see anything weird about it, and find it far more weird that there are actually women who can't cope with their partner spending half an hour alone with a work colleague.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 18/12/2023 05:45

Nonplusultra · 18/12/2023 05:36

I think I’d feel a bit off about this and I’m not sure I could put my finger on why. I just don’t like the idea of someone, I don’t know, being in my home when I’m not there.

I can absolutely empathise with you feeling rattled by that. Thinking about it, my discomfort is probably more tied up in the social conditioning that sees women judged for the state of their houses and homes in a way men aren’t. I’d feel a bit vulnerable at the thought of a strange woman I haven’t met, left alone in my kitchen thinking whoknowswhat about my decor choices while I’m not even there.

And I’m fully prepared to own that I’ve got all sorts of serious issues 😂 But no, I wouldn’t be cool with this at all.

Seriously?????

I have never met such a bunch of insecure women as are on MN. I couldn't care less if a strange woman was in my home, and also couldn't care less if she was judging my decor or not. It's quite odd for you to feel like that in my opinion.

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 05:46

SavageTomato · 18/12/2023 04:20

Why the fuck did she enter the house? That would be a major problem for me and my partner, first off. So yeah, I'm jumping straight to: they fucked each other. I'm not a prude, but this is hugely suspect and I'd be raging.

Are these posts a parody?

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 05:49

C2197 · 18/12/2023 04:45

i don’t agree with 90% of the comments. Do you think he would have done it knowing you had family over? Probably not. I find it disrespectful & it sounds like he’s trying to normalise their relationship in front of you

In what way is it disrespectful? Would it still have been disrespectful if the colleague was male? Or are colleagues not allowed in the house at all without the partner present and if so, why? Or is it that nobody is allowed to be there unless both of the couple are at home at the time, so people need to check their partner is available otherwise they are banned from bringing anybody into their home? Why?

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 05:54

Nonplusultra · 18/12/2023 05:36

I think I’d feel a bit off about this and I’m not sure I could put my finger on why. I just don’t like the idea of someone, I don’t know, being in my home when I’m not there.

I can absolutely empathise with you feeling rattled by that. Thinking about it, my discomfort is probably more tied up in the social conditioning that sees women judged for the state of their houses and homes in a way men aren’t. I’d feel a bit vulnerable at the thought of a strange woman I haven’t met, left alone in my kitchen thinking whoknowswhat about my decor choices while I’m not even there.

And I’m fully prepared to own that I’ve got all sorts of serious issues 😂 But no, I wouldn’t be cool with this at all.

Really?

Why would you care what a stranger thinks of your "decor"? 🤣

It isn't just "your home". If you've chosen to jointly buy a home with someone else then they are also entitled to use it as a home and invite people there without your permission or clearing it with you first. If you don't trust them to do that then why buy a house with them?! Just live on your own if you want total control over who can visit and when.

The posts on this thread are really, really strange.

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 05:57

I wonder what these people do when the gas engineer or plumber or whatever turns up. Do they refuse them entry, frantically phone their husband and demand he comes home immediately because they couldn't possibly let someone he doesn't know who might even be of the opposite sex to them into the house without him present to supervise?

Userxyd · 18/12/2023 06:02

tinker2190 · 17/12/2023 21:39

Thanks all, obviously loads more context not given as I know how judgemental anonymous women can be.
But I'm glad I can feed this back

I was going to post to ask for more context eg. How did you find out she'd been over and what was he getting ready for- there must be more to it for it to be niggling you so much.
Then I read this comment that you purposefully withheld contextual info that could've been helpful to the anonymous women you're seeking advice from because you think everyone you don't know is judgemental and I think why bother!!
What a bad comment.
Why seek advice from this group if you think we're all judgemental?!
Obviously there will be some random unhelpful comments but surely you can just ignore those without insulting everyone else who's time and energy you're happy enough to take up if it suits you?

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 06:03

Terrified he might interpret the annual bouler safety check as really being the into to some dodgy '70s porn film or something?

The fact is that most workplaces now contain people of both sexes and astonishingly most of them manage to work together without anything untoward happening. In fact it would actually be extremely sexist for a colleague to say to another colleague of the opposite sex that they cannot come to their house briefly if this works best for logistics to get to an evening event with lifts or whatever, when they wouldn't think it an issue if the colleague happened to be the same sex as them.

I do wonder why many people stay in relationships with their partners when they clearly don't trust them at all. What's the point?

Userxyd · 18/12/2023 06:03

And who are you going to "feed this back" to? Very strange!

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 06:17

Nonplusultra · 18/12/2023 05:36

I think I’d feel a bit off about this and I’m not sure I could put my finger on why. I just don’t like the idea of someone, I don’t know, being in my home when I’m not there.

I can absolutely empathise with you feeling rattled by that. Thinking about it, my discomfort is probably more tied up in the social conditioning that sees women judged for the state of their houses and homes in a way men aren’t. I’d feel a bit vulnerable at the thought of a strange woman I haven’t met, left alone in my kitchen thinking whoknowswhat about my decor choices while I’m not even there.

And I’m fully prepared to own that I’ve got all sorts of serious issues 😂 But no, I wouldn’t be cool with this at all.

MY decor choices? I am assuming you live alone or is your partner too scared to give input?

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 06:18

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 06:03

Terrified he might interpret the annual bouler safety check as really being the into to some dodgy '70s porn film or something?

The fact is that most workplaces now contain people of both sexes and astonishingly most of them manage to work together without anything untoward happening. In fact it would actually be extremely sexist for a colleague to say to another colleague of the opposite sex that they cannot come to their house briefly if this works best for logistics to get to an evening event with lifts or whatever, when they wouldn't think it an issue if the colleague happened to be the same sex as them.

I do wonder why many people stay in relationships with their partners when they clearly don't trust them at all. What's the point?

Gee thanks now I need to ensure my husband is around incase the plumber services the wrong thing

Gwenhwyfar · 18/12/2023 06:48

SavageTomato · 18/12/2023 04:20

Why the fuck did she enter the house? That would be a major problem for me and my partner, first off. So yeah, I'm jumping straight to: they fucked each other. I'm not a prude, but this is hugely suspect and I'd be raging.

Assuming she had to be there in the first place, it would be very rude to tell someone to wait outside for half an hour.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/12/2023 06:50

Bernieee · 18/12/2023 04:57

Bingo. Like let’s be real, this isn’t a family friend…a colleague. Whilst this may amount to nothing, maybe keep my eye on it…

Show quote history

Well OP needs to give us the context, but if they are sharing transport to meet up with Bob, it doesn't make sense to go separately.

MarathonBarbie · 18/12/2023 07:01

I wouldn’t have an issue with this. Can think of plenty of times when I, and other colleagues, have lift shared and waited in the house of whoever is driving while they finish getting ready. Or had to pit stop at someone’s house enroute somewhere when travelling together. Would seem really rude to expect people to wait outside.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 18/12/2023 07:13

Frasers · 17/12/2023 21:34

Also how do you know how many women he works with? That in itself is weird. I couldn’t tell you how many women in my husbands dept. I couldn’t care less. There is clearly a deeply significant issue here your side.

I know the names of my DHs immediate team. And he refers to people as "the lady from finance" or "the horrible bloke" or "the PA lady". When we chat about his day, he tells me things. He knows the names of my team too. Because we talk. Its fairly easy to have this info without it being weird or insecure or unhealthy....

StarlightLady · 18/12/2023 07:24

Only an issue if they didn’t have their clothes on at the time!

Parentofeanda · 18/12/2023 07:30

Personally my husband wouldnt even think about bringing a woman here unless he asked me first or had no choice.

Parentofeanda · 18/12/2023 07:30

although thats really the only good quality.

TRULYSCRUMPTIOUSME · 18/12/2023 07:33

He did nowt wrong.I'd have been more worried about the house being a shit tip tbh.I bet you wouldn't be overthinking this if he had brought a bloke home would you? If you had found an earring in your bed or a pair of knickers down the back of the sofa,you be right to be concerned,but you didn't.I hope you're not sniffing his jacket for perfume or looking for different coloured pubes in his undercrackers? See how silly this all sounds? Your jealous streak is taking you over.

hellsBells246 · 18/12/2023 07:38

tinker2190 · 17/12/2023 21:39

Thanks all, obviously loads more context not given as I know how judgemental anonymous women can be.
But I'm glad I can feed this back

If you think we're all judgemental, why are you asking us? 🙄 Who are you going to 'feed back' to? And more context would help us to give better answers. Weird.

NotNowGertrude · 18/12/2023 07:42

It doesn't take an hour and a half to get changed

He's lying

Howbizzare22 · 18/12/2023 07:45

It’s strange you’re refusing to give context to the situation because you “know how judgemental anonymous women can be.” That tells me the context would reveal enough for us to say “wow yep he’s definitely cheating” and maybe you’re in some kind of denial? I dunno doesn’t make sense. Like pp I also wonder if you are the husband trying to justify your behaviour to your wife “see look all these women think you’re nuts for going mad that I brought my female colleague home.”
My instinct is that he brought someone home he is having an affair with- but his story is that “she was waiting for me to get changed” will cover everything just in case a neighbour tells you they saw him being a woman back. And before all those posters tell me I’m paranoid- nearly a third of men cheat, and it’s vastly with people from work 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 07:59

Gee thanks now I need to ensure my husband is around incase the plumber services the wrong thing

🤣🤣

A simple misunderstanding can go so horribly wrong.