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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He bought a women home

111 replies

tinker2190 · 17/12/2023 21:23

My husband and I (both 31) have been married for 8 years, together 10.
He works in a male dominated industry, there are 3 women in his department, the other 15 are men. One of the females colleagues has been working on a project with him for a month and a half.

Two weeks ago he invited her back to our home without telling me. They were in the house for half an hour and he tells me she was just waiting whilst he got ready.

I think I'm overreacting and need others to tell me so. But I'm so upset about it that I haven't told anyone, not my best girl friends or family.

I just think if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me that had done that he'd be so jealous.

To help with context our relationship doesn't usually have jealousy like this, we both have our own hobbies, neither been jealous of others flirting with us, no abuse from either side of relationship. We function well and communicate well. Both have had therapy, due to individual problems not relationship ones.

OP posts:
PianPianPiano · 17/12/2023 23:12

Lovelyjubbbly · 17/12/2023 21:55

@CandyLeBonBon what sort of weirdo would allow there partner to bring another women home when ur not there 😂😂😂😂😂 just wouldn’t happen in my scenario no chance . Of shoe was on other foot would be accused of all sorts nahhhh

"allow"?! It's my husband's house as well, I'm not a bouncer...

Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:18

Frasers · 17/12/2023 22:03

What? What a horrible thing to write. You asked and got told.

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Sorry - was that the husband writing I am abit perplexed?

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 17/12/2023 23:20

I wouldn't be worrying OP, he surely wouldn't have brought her back to your home when you were there if there was something going on. He'd have kept her well away.

GrumpyPanda · 17/12/2023 23:28

Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 21:29

But you should have a word with him she didnt need to come in she could have waited elsewhere

Seriously? What location would you have proposed - around the corner? The nearest bus stop? Ridiculous, not to mention incredibly rude.

Lovelyjubbbly · 17/12/2023 23:29

@Kinneddar what because I don’t want partner taking another women to my home when I’m not present? How does that say more about my relationship?

Cupcakes77 · 17/12/2023 23:33

GrumpyPanda · 17/12/2023 23:28

Seriously? What location would you have proposed - around the corner? The nearest bus stop? Ridiculous, not to mention incredibly rude.

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Well no he was only getting changed she wasn't exactly needed. It would have been polite of her to wait outside or in the car etc. But that is based on the assumption that he did not need her help getting dressed.

BombaySamphire · 17/12/2023 23:35

Shouldershoulder · 17/12/2023 21:28

I'd want to know why she had to come back to yours and wait for him to get changed.

Indeed. He invited her over to wait while he got changed?!
Where were they going?

SunflowerTed · 17/12/2023 23:35

Angelsrose · 17/12/2023 22:33

I may be in the minority but I think this is very odd. Why does this woman need to be in your house? What was your husband getting ready for and why did he take so long? I'd personally have preferred to wait in my car especially if this is a work colleague rather than a friend.

I’m in the minority with you. I dont have a problem with my hubby going out with female work colleagues but this situation wouldn’t sit right ….

Codlingmoths · 17/12/2023 23:38

I hang out with male colleagues all the time, but I would think it odd to go back to their house and wait while they got dressed. There would have to be some context that made that make sense otherwise I’d be making a counteroffer- ‘how about you go get yourself dressed, I’ll make my way to dinner with Bob and see you there.’

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 01:34

Lovelyjubbbly · 17/12/2023 21:55

@CandyLeBonBon what sort of weirdo would allow there partner to bring another women home when ur not there 😂😂😂😂😂 just wouldn’t happen in my scenario no chance . Of shoe was on other foot would be accused of all sorts nahhhh

Errrr... why should someone not be able to invite a colleague or friend into their home without a chaperone? How bizarre.

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 01:35

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2023 22:52

Is it appropriate? No, not really.

But it does also seem like you might be overreacting a little.

'For future reference, it's not ok to be in private with another woman when you have a partner. Especially not in houses. Don't do that again'.

🤣

So anybody with a partner is prohibited from visiting the home of a friend if they are the opposite sex, or inviting them to their home, unless their partner is there to supervise?!

Nepmarthiturn · 18/12/2023 01:36

Lovelyjubbbly · 17/12/2023 23:29

@Kinneddar what because I don’t want partner taking another women to my home when I’m not present? How does that say more about my relationship?

That you're paranoid and controlling and any sane person would run a mile.

MariaLuna · 18/12/2023 01:53

^OMG. You mean thanks to your degenerate unfaithful husband, another woman has actually been INSIDE YOUR HOUSE? And left her filthy Other Woman spores to fester everywhere, poisoning the atmosphere of your entire relationship and future?

I would insist that he buy you a new house, and have that one industrially fumigated then demolished. Any less and he clearly has no respect for you whatsoever.

Then LTB.^

Goodness me, aren't you a delight? NOT!

Hope your other half never dumps you.

It's o.k. for a mumsnetter to post about her insecurities in life.

Midnightgrey · 18/12/2023 03:31

It may be perfectly innocent. Your husband may have thought nothing of it. If I was the woman though I would not have put myself in this situation. I make very sure that the men I work with never get the wrong idea and/or that their spouses never get the wrong idea either. I have worked with my boss for decades and I would never wait in his house while he got changed if his wife wasn't there. I would have waited in the car outside. It's the same reason why I never stayed late at drinks and drank minimally myself because people can say and do things that they'd never do and say sober.

Having said that though I was once accosted by the best friend of a colleague's girlfriend who thought we must be up to no good as were walking down the street (on the way to a staff dinner) when our boss who had given us a lift was hunting for a carpark. Believe me we weren't looking romantic or cosy - I was his boss, 20 years older and wearing a wedding ring. (We were both horrified although he was probably more horrified that his girlfriend had such a batshit best friend.)

Missingmyusername · 18/12/2023 03:36

gazpachosoupday · 17/12/2023 22:15

Are you actually the husband?

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Yeah that’s what I thought too!

Fivepigeons · 18/12/2023 03:37

I wouldn't have a problem with this unless there's some real reason you think theres more to it?

tuvamoodyson · 18/12/2023 03:49

Lovelyjubbbly · 17/12/2023 23:29

@Kinneddar what because I don’t want partner taking another women to my home when I’m not present? How does that say more about my relationship?

What do think would happen?

chimneypot69 · 18/12/2023 03:55

It sounds to me something instinctive in you is feeling there's something 'threatening' about this particular colleague and the being brought back to the house without you knowing has added a further element. Can you think of other cumulative small reasons why this situation has triggered something in you where jealousy doesn't ordinarily exist? Sorry you've been unsettled by this OP - maybe your gut feels something intuitively...

SavageTomato · 18/12/2023 04:20

Why the fuck did she enter the house? That would be a major problem for me and my partner, first off. So yeah, I'm jumping straight to: they fucked each other. I'm not a prude, but this is hugely suspect and I'd be raging.

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 04:24

Maybe the suggestion should be microchip him and put in secret hidden cameras to show them shagging, then you can sit back and tell them at least get the ironing done next time

I really think some posters could do with getting a life or work on their insecurities

thebestinterest · 18/12/2023 04:40

What’s the context, here? Why did she have / need to come with him to get changed?

C2197 · 18/12/2023 04:45

i don’t agree with 90% of the comments. Do you think he would have done it knowing you had family over? Probably not. I find it disrespectful & it sounds like he’s trying to normalise their relationship in front of you

Bernieee · 18/12/2023 04:53

Personally I think it’s inappropriate. Why did he have to bring her to his home? Whether or not something happened or didn’t. - it’s inappropriate

Bernieee · 18/12/2023 04:57

Codlingmoths · 17/12/2023 23:38

I hang out with male colleagues all the time, but I would think it odd to go back to their house and wait while they got dressed. There would have to be some context that made that make sense otherwise I’d be making a counteroffer- ‘how about you go get yourself dressed, I’ll make my way to dinner with Bob and see you there.’

Bingo. Like let’s be real, this isn’t a family friend…a colleague. Whilst this may amount to nothing, maybe keep my eye on it…

merrymelodies · 18/12/2023 04:58

There's something wrong if you feel so insecure! Examine your feelings closely - what is it that makes you think they were up to something while you weren't there? Trust is vital in a healthy relationship.