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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH getting obsessed with what I eat

84 replies

Deedee37 · 16/12/2023 17:10

I’m a bit overweight and I eat too much sugar, but otherwise I’m quite active and my diet isn’t too bad. I recently had a blood test done that showed raised cholesterol. Since then my DH is obsessed with what I eat. I’ve already changed my diet since the test result and eliminated sweets and high carb foods (as I wanted to myself) - I had zero sweets and only healthy food all week - but he just saw me open a door of my chocolate advent calendar and lost it, he thinks I’m trying to kill myself with sugar because of these 5g chocolate 🙄
In the conversation that followed he said we’ll need to bring our own food to my parents’ Christmas dinner because their food won’t meet our diet requirements, and that we can only drink mineral water.

He’s not normally controlling and he will follow the same diet to support me as he says, although his health is perfect, but I see a very stressful Christmas time coming up. I agree in general with improving my diet and I’m fully on board, but how can I stop him being an extremist about it?

OP posts:
squirrelnutkin10 · 16/12/2023 17:12

Two words said very firmly..butt out.
Tell him directly, you are and adult who can live as you please and HE IS TO NOT COMMENT.

Pigglycat · 16/12/2023 17:14

I think it's a bit unfair to call him controlling in this context. Yes, he is trying to control what you eat, but it sounds from what you say as though he's genuinely concerned for you. Normally when men are called controlling here there's an entirely different background.

As for how to calm him down, you'll need to insist on a conversation, and try to follow the medical advice. I hope it goes well.

IncompleteSenten · 16/12/2023 17:14

Sounds like he's really worried. Tell him you have it under control and tell him what you need from him to support you.

Fraaahnces · 16/12/2023 17:15

Yeah… not cool. This is YOUR diet, not his. I’d tell him to zip it or he might find himself very hungry.

Original poster
Deedee37 · 16/12/2023 17:16

I know he is concerned, but every single conversation we have is around food now. Every day is planned so that we can have low carb, low sugar healthy food, and every bite I eat will be assessed.

OP posts:
Menomeno · 16/12/2023 17:22

Point out to him that these healthy lifestyle changes will be for the rest of your life. You won’t suddenly revert back to your previous diet once your cholesterol is in normal range. It’s been a kick up the backside to make the changes you need. BUT given that this will be long-term, it also has to be moderate. A little treat now and then, a day off at Christmas etc is perfectly normal and reasonable. If he is a boring zealot about it you’ll just end up giving up and going back to your old habits. Encourage him to explore why he’s making such an issue of it. Does he have a history of disordered eating?

TeaTurtle · 16/12/2023 17:23

I had zero sweets and only healthy food all week - but he just saw me open a door of my chocolate advent calendar and lost it

Sorry Pigglycat but this is definitely worthy of being called controlling. Totally unreasonable of him. He’s acting like a tyrant not a loving person.

All you can do OP is tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and extreme and that it has to stop. It’s wrong to lose his temper at you, it’s wrong because being extreme won’t help anyone diet. Ask him if there’s anything deeper going on. Then it’s up to him.

Parker231 · 16/12/2023 17:25

Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and you will eat and drink what you want and that you will not be taking food with you for Christmas lunch.
Trying to control you is never going to have a good outcome

FoxClocks · 16/12/2023 17:25

Tell him you appreciate he cares about you but he needs to take a big step back and let you make your own decisions that work for you. Otherwise you will just start to resent him and rebel against what you see as his rules. I can see you want to make sensible changes you can stick to for life, with a bit of flexibility that allow for special occasions. That can work well, so go with that.

Parker231 · 16/12/2023 17:26

Deedee37 · 16/12/2023 17:16

I know he is concerned, but every single conversation we have is around food now. Every day is planned so that we can have low carb, low sugar healthy food, and every bite I eat will be assessed.

Plan what you want to eat, not what he wants you to eat.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2023 17:26

You need to be direct.

I know you're worried about my health, but I am too and I've followed their advice. Their advice is not to develop an unhealthy relationship with food and not to become obsessed and controlling over every mouthful. I will eat your Father's cooking and I will drink your mother's wine. If you're worried, talk to me about your worries, not about the food I'm eating.

simbobs · 16/12/2023 17:31

It sounds to me like he has had a bit of a shock, and ears for your health, just that he is expressing it badly. Can he cook? If I were in your shoes I would put myself entirely in his hands and let him shop and cook for me. Bet it wouldn't last long. There will be an achievable compromise. Also, has he had a cholesterol test himself? Even if he is not overweight it could still be elevated.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 16/12/2023 17:33

I think he was looking for an opportunity to exert some control and the fact your cholesterol has come back a bit high has given him the perfect excuse to start being a tosser tbh.

That or he has health anxiety.

He either goes to the doctor to talk about his anxiety or he shuts the fuck up. No one likes someone who comments on what people eat.

StaunchMomma · 16/12/2023 17:45

This would make me lose it so fast. He's treating you like a literal toddler.

Tell him to back off (I'd be adding a fuck off or 10) and if he doesn't stop with the mineral water Christmas crap I'd be making other arrangements. Who the hell takes 'alternative foods' to someone else's house for Christmas dinner?!! It's honestly batshit!

He does realise you're not going to spontaneously combust if you eat a roast potato, right?!

He is MASSIVELY overstepping and his 'concern' is not in any way an excuse. He's being obsessive, controlling and demeaning.

AutumnCrow · 16/12/2023 17:46

Out of interest, what were your actual HDL and LDL readings, OP?

Does he understand them?

EveryFrogHasItsDay · 16/12/2023 17:48

Are you dangerously obese or just a stone or so overweight? I think that makes a big difference, in terms of his behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2023 17:53

EveryFrogHasItsDay · 16/12/2023 17:48

Are you dangerously obese or just a stone or so overweight? I think that makes a big difference, in terms of his behaviour.

It actually doesn't. OP is an adult and policing her food intake (especially to this extent) is wrong regardless of her size.

Original poster
Deedee37 · 16/12/2023 17:56

My cholesterol is 6.2, the bad LDL is 3.8. My BMI is 26.5. I totally agree that something needs to change, I want to lose 5kg which would put me in the healthy category and I want to massively reduce my sweets. I’m concerned about my health as well, but then again I’m not on deaths doorstep and I believe in making sustainable changes rather than going on an incredibly restrictive diet. I also think that I’ll probably need medication to lower my cholesterol because it’s in my family, but that’s another topic.

DH is actually cooking healthy food for me, which is lovely and appreciated. If only he could be less obsessed, I really think that I can easily become more healthy with his valued support.

OP posts:
EveryFrogHasItsDay · 16/12/2023 17:56

@MrsTerryPratchett I think it does. If I thought I was watching my DH eating himself to death and I was worried for his heart, I think I would interfere!

My DM polices my DF’s salt intake etc due to high blood pressure, and I don’t think she is out of order at all.

However, if OP is more of the “bit chubby” side of things, it does seem a bit of an extreme reaction.

WashItTomorrow · 16/12/2023 17:57

EveryFrogHasItsDay · 16/12/2023 17:48

Are you dangerously obese or just a stone or so overweight? I think that makes a big difference, in terms of his behaviour.

I don’t think that matters. It’s the cholesterol that the OP is concerned about, not her weight. I have very high cholesterol and I’m borderline underweight.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2023 18:00

EveryFrogHasItsDay · 16/12/2023 17:56

@MrsTerryPratchett I think it does. If I thought I was watching my DH eating himself to death and I was worried for his heart, I think I would interfere!

My DM polices my DF’s salt intake etc due to high blood pressure, and I don’t think she is out of order at all.

However, if OP is more of the “bit chubby” side of things, it does seem a bit of an extreme reaction.

Edited

He can interfere with cooking healthy food and joining OP on healthy eating, she's fine with that. Stopping a grown woman eat a 5g advent calendar chocolate is controlling. And would be if she was 20 stone.

butterpuffed · 16/12/2023 18:17

Sweets are actually not too bad re cholesterol [apart from too much chocolate] , it's more red meats , cream , butter etc ., and anything with high saturated fats that you should avoid .

Porridge is good , bananas , fish ~ there's also a lot of information in Google .

Sugarsun · 16/12/2023 18:17

I would sit him down and tell him he needs to stop.

He is worried you’re going to become seriously ill or die but obsessing about your food isn’t helping.

Tell him that he’s making you feel ill and probably raising your blood pressure and anxiety, which is going to do more harm than slightly raised cholesterol.

This is meant to be a lifestyle change, not a crash diet.
A lifestyle change is still going to include all of the things you enjoy eating but just a bit less of it.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/12/2023 18:20

I think this is probably just the way his concern and worry for you is coming out. I’d sit down and have a chat about it and explain you value his support but that you’re an adult etc. I can imagine my DH being like this if we were in your shoes as he is a worried anyway and especially with regards to health so he would just try to help as much as possible, and it may just take your direction to say “thanks, but maybe do x instead” x

lkmbj · 16/12/2023 18:34

You are slightly overweight and could do with lowering your cholesterol. But saying you can't eat Xmas dinner is bonkers and controlling.

He does not get to dictate what you eat