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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No one will want me by 50, "d" father called to tell me that

81 replies

headingupdown · 16/12/2023 09:57

I am feeling so low because I am already struggling with my mental health and last night he phoned to tell me that nobody would want me by 50. I presume abuse of the effects of menopause on the skin, body and hair etc.

We were domestically abused by him and I am very scared of him. I think he has plans for me and is trying to manipulate me and I am feeling very paranoid and even lower. He did something very nice for me but then turned against me which is his pattern. He got back in touch out of the blue and wants me to come and stay with him for 7 days which is very odd and out of character for him. I haven't blocked him because I am scared of him as I have seen the lengths he goes to to be vindictive.

I don't really know why I am writing this - but now just to add to everything else I am feeling like I now have to find someone quickly or no one will want me.

I find it hard to handle communication with him as he is very good at manipulating and is always prying and bullish.

Feeling very vulnerable right now

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 16/12/2023 09:59

I’d recommend getting advice from the police, and looking into a restraining order.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 16/12/2023 10:01

CherryBlossom321 · 16/12/2023 09:59

I’d recommend getting advice from the police, and looking into a restraining order.

This.

dont block him for now but do not respond.

dont answer his calls.

CreationNat1on · 16/12/2023 10:04

Don't respond, he is abusive, he is not a safe person for you to be around.

Spottywombat · 16/12/2023 10:07

52 here, hrt is great, good diet, exercise & you'll be fine. I'm still fat & my DM is still surprised my DH loves me. Their view is not your reality.

But you do need to realise that is up to you to manage.

Get yourself away from triggers.

Get yourself some support for your mental health. Look after your physical health.

Block (or manage) calls better. Your future love life is nobody's business but yours.

Ladolcevita233 · 16/12/2023 10:09

That's funny cause my 50 something friend (now 60s) was set up on a date with a widower by his niece and they've been together ever since.

Likewise my sister's friend remarried at 59, to a nice looking, well off guy- they met in their village pub.

I'm sure mnetters could come on here with loads more stories of the same.

There are single men 50s up who go for women around their age.

My late Grandmother had a man courting her in her 90s (!)

Your Dad is talking out of his arse.

He also apparently likes to hurt people - because even if anyone thought that - someone who was caring and kind and diplomatic would never say it out loud to your face.

Is he trying to get you to be his live in carer, is that it?

Sounds like he was an abuser and he's still an abuser.

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 10:09

OP " I think he has plans for me and is trying to manipulate me and I am feeling very paranoid and even lower."

trying to make you his carer? You need to cut him off completely.

RedheadRedBed · 16/12/2023 10:11

Tell him you can't come because you are in a fabulous new relationship. Then let him stew.

Original poster
headingupdown · 16/12/2023 10:11

I am struggling to understand why you would call somebody and start asking what my plans are as I am getting older. Then saying no one would want me etc Apparently I need to start thinking about myself and making plans (My child is my priority and quite frankly probably the only reason I'm in the planet).

Am wondering what he is up to and have been feeling paranoid since he called out of the blue last week. He told me he didn't care about any of us last week but now this crap. I have found it hard to function after what I have gone through in life but doubt this is genuine concern about me. That's how he dressed it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
headingupdown · 16/12/2023 10:14

@CherryBlossom321 can you tell me why as I have no sense of normal and especially as he dressed it up as friendly.

OP posts:
RedheadRedBed · 16/12/2023 10:14

As other posters are saying he wants a live in carer / cook / cleaner and someone to split the bills with . Start to look after No 1 O/P. Don't respond .

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 16/12/2023 10:14

Youre trying to work out the motives of an abuser. His motives are he is an abuser. He is trying to manipulate, upset and unnerve you. He is trying to het details on your life to use against you.

dont answer the phone.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/12/2023 10:15

I think he has plans for me and is trying to manipulate me and I am feeling very paranoid and even lower

Handy phrase for you to remember, OP - people have the power over you that you give them. So just because you reckon he has plans for you doesn't mean you have to either agree or fall in with those plans.

last night he phoned to tell me that nobody would want me by 50

He's projecting. HE doesn't want 50 year old women so he reckons no-one else will. He's speaking for no-one but himself.

Ladolcevita233 · 16/12/2023 10:15

Oh and even if no man ever wanted a woman over 50 (to be cynical plenty of men over 50 couldn't get younger women even if they wanted them) - who isn't the case because I know loads of 50+ men who've gone for women their own age - so fucking what??!!!

Being with a partner isn't the be all and end all.

I've known plenty of happily single women - divorced, never married etc. They can take joy in their lives from things other than being shacked up with a partner.

When you look at the quality of men available - being partner free actually looks like a more stable, happy, peaceful, unexploited, stress free life.

I'd be tempted to reply "growing up with you as a blueprint for men, why the fuck do you think I want a man??".

EarthSight · 16/12/2023 10:17

Definitely a police one. Don't even think about going to stay with him, even for 1 day.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/12/2023 10:17

*Being with a partner isn't the be all and end all.

I've known plenty of happily single women - divorced, never married etc. They can take joy in their lives from things other than being shacked up with a partner.

When you look at the quality of men available - being partner free actually looks like a more stable, happy, peaceful, unexploited, stress free life*

This 100% and as a long term single I can confirm every word. And you can start by deciding that the sort of man you can do without in your life is DF.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/12/2023 10:20

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 16/12/2023 10:14

Youre trying to work out the motives of an abuser. His motives are he is an abuser. He is trying to manipulate, upset and unnerve you. He is trying to het details on your life to use against you.

dont answer the phone.

This, in spades.

FWIW I met my current DH when I was past 50, and still rocking it. Over ten yrs later we're doing just fine. Don't let him have any more of your self esteem. Flowers

Ladolcevita233 · 16/12/2023 10:20

Oh so you have a child, you've done the whole marriage/partnership thing, you're a Mum ... But he thinks it's appropriate to tell you that no man will want you soon cause you'll be 50.

Why do you need a man now?

Why is it so necessary for you to remarry/couple up?

How old is your child?.Even as a young adult, they need a great deal of support and guidance.

And men introduced to their home/family can be a negative thing.

You have plenty of things in life to be interested in and take joy in and spend your time doing - so why are you supposed to go along with your father's basic bitch view of life, where you should be desperate to hook up with some man?

Draconis · 16/12/2023 10:22

Whatever you do, don't go. Your instincts are telling you to not go.
It doesn't matter if he did anything nice for you. He should have done nice things all his life for you but he didn't. He chose to abuse you.
Just be too busy or "unwell" if you need an excuse, to talk to him for long or to make planes too go.
Don't go.

squirrelnutkin10 · 16/12/2023 10:23

Op It doesn't matter what he says , does or how he thinks.....please read that again..
Other than to facilitate access (if you have to of course )with Dc he is of no importance, just a nasty man you used to know....please read this again.
Do not engage with him, nice or nasty, do not give him information, chat or ANYTHING...stop talking to him.....
Then you can work on stopping worrying about what he may do, you need to find your anger, and that will give you strength...he is in the past and has no right to talk to you. (except re Dc)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/12/2023 10:23

If he's bothering you, that means nobody else wants him.

Don't engage.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 16/12/2023 10:25

Am wondering what he is up to and have been feeling paranoid since he called out of the blue last week. He told me he didn't care about any of us last week but now this crap

This should tell you that he's got an agenda, whether it's the usual abuse or he wants something specific. I know it's easy for me to say, but don't stew over it and don't give it headspace and let him live rent free in your head. Think of it as 'dad's usual weirdness last time I spoke to him' and forget it. You don't HAVE to go along with anything he wants.

readymealeater · 16/12/2023 10:27

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 16/12/2023 10:14

Youre trying to work out the motives of an abuser. His motives are he is an abuser. He is trying to manipulate, upset and unnerve you. He is trying to het details on your life to use against you.

dont answer the phone.

My narc mother told me at the age of 23 not to leave my violent husband as it would be difficult for me to find a new man!!!!

Not to sound big headed, but all those decades ago I was pretty attractive.

It did give me a wobble though, as my self-esteem was in the toilet thanks to my upbringing and that's no doubt why I had chosen such a poor husband in the first place! More bad choices followed, but that's another story...

Ladolcevita233 · 16/12/2023 10:28

He told me he didn't care about any of us last week but now this crap

He didn't care about any of you last week but is offering "concerned" advice to you this week.

Is he losing his marbles?

Or maybe this is just more flip flopping/push pulling by an abuser.

OwlWeiwei · 16/12/2023 10:30

Remember however powerful his emotional pull on you, you still have your own wits, and you can make your own choices. I quietly stood up to my dad at the age of 50 and weirdly, my life long depression vanished at around thr same time.

Empower yourself. You are not going to stay with him for a week. The uninformed opinion of an abusive man on what may or may not happen to you in the future is of zero worth.

Original poster
headingupdown · 16/12/2023 10:41

The worst thing is the 7 days is abroad! As he stays some of the year in different countries. I had visions of my passport being taken. He did tell me once that I am lucky he didn't sell me (I think he meant sexually), as that's what some parents do.

The thing is I do have a partner. We are more like room mates and he is a very nasty piece of work. I am in the process of leaving. The brothers and my dad don't like him, but when I block them they all contact him with abusive texts to give to me. They have got more clever and the last text was more insulting than abusive. My "dp" uses this to tell me everyone hates me. I am struggling to function and my father knows I'm not very good at life.

OP posts: