No one will want me by 50, "d" father called to tell me that

[headingupdown]

I am feeling so low because I am already struggling with my mental health and last night he phoned to tell me that nobody would want me by 50. I presume abuse of the effects of menopause on the skin, body and hair etc.

We were domestically abused by him and I am very scared of him. I think he has plans for me and is trying to manipulate me and I am feeling very paranoid and even lower. He did something very nice for me but then turned against me which is his pattern. He got back in touch out of the blue and wants me to come and stay with him for 7 days which is very odd and out of character for him. I haven't blocked him because I am scared of him as I have seen the lengths he goes to to be vindictive.

I don't really know why I am writing this - but now just to add to everything else I am feeling like I now have to find someone quickly or no one will want me.

I find it hard to handle communication with him as he is very good at manipulating and is always prying and bullish.

Feeling very vulnerable right now

@readymealeater I totally get this. It's so bewildering that people who are meant to love you do this. I am so frustrated that I chose bad people who were very much like my father.

“Op It doesn't matter what he says , does or how he thinks.....please read that again..
Other than to facilitate access (if you have to of course )with Dc he is of no importance, just a nasty man you used to know....please read this again.
Do not engage with him, nice or nasty, do not give him information, chat or ANYTHING...stop talking to him.....
Then you can work on stopping worrying about what he may do, you need to find your anger, and that will give you strength...he is in the past and has no right to talk to you. (except re Dc)”

This.

@Ladolcevita233 no he's not losing his marbles, I think it's an agenda.

@Spottywombat Aw I am glad you found a good one despite having that kind of treatment from your mother.

55 year old here and very happily single. The best thing about getting older is you know yourself well enough to feel totally comfortable in your own skin and realise being single and having great friends is far better than being with a twat.

As a guess, he is preparing you to stay with him and become his nurse/carer p,
The 7 days is a way to see how it could work, ‘sell you the good sides’(remember the nice thing he has just done fir you?) and rail you into saying yes because you’ll be too scared to say NO.

You needs to step away completely @headingupdown
Don’t answer his message. Don’t engage. Grey rock etc… and
PLEASE DO NOT GO AND SPEND 7 DAYS WITH HIM

I have been NC with my mum for 5 years, I am an only child and my dads passed so it was easier for me to go NC because I had no pressure from siblings to maintain a relationship with my parent but honestly it’s so freeing and liberating to remove such toxicity from your life. Also I know this sounds so cliche but you really need to learn to love you for who you are! You sound kind and caring and the people in your life should feel lucky to have you in your life not tear you down at every turn. It’s expensive but therapy is worth is. I’m in Australia and I saw a psychiatrist and after dumping my childhood/early adulthood trauma onto him in our first session he was like wow, that’s a lot to go through and validated me and my choices which helped me so much. You know this isn’t a life you want to live and you know you don’t need these people in your life. Take the leap, you literally have nothing to lose, these people aren’t worth keeping in your life.

You need to go NC with father and brothers straight away. They are abusing you.
Then you need to get away from your partner too because he is also abusing you. Call women's aid if you need help and advice.

You don't say how old you are (I might have missed it) but it's not true that "no will want you by the time you are 50". This is nonsense. There are plenty of 50 year olds beginning new relationships and very happy.
But at the same time, if you don't meet someone, so what? You don't need a man to be happy and particularly not if they are some abusive knob.

I think you should get out of the relationship you are in and then do some work on building up your own self-esteem, your own friendship circle, your own interests and hobbies and create a stable, happy life for yourself first. If you then later meet someone by chance or choose to do online dating or whatever, you will be in a much better position to spot the abusers a mile off and also to enjoy a relationship for what it is and not a "must" (which is what society often implies for women - you "must" be in a relationship... er no... only if you want to and it's good for you!)

I go to a pub quiz where most of my team (men and women) are in their 50's and a couple of them in their 60's. 4 of them have all started new relationships just this year!

My stepmother has just remarried at age 79 and her husband thinks she's absolutely stunning and adores her.

Please take the advice from other PPs here. You do not have to tolerate this and if you don't feel able to respond appropriately, please just stop taking his calls. Women's Aid might be able to help too.

Shame your passport has expired.

They are all abusing you - they are all colluding to grind you down. Sending each other nasty texts to send onto you indeed.

You need to leave your partner. Ignore your dad. Do NOT go to visit him, just nod along then don't go. Don't take your brothers into your confidence. Move away, start again then block the lot of them.

I realise that is easy to type but hard to do - you need some expert help and support. Contact women's aid as a first step.

@NeverDropYourMooncup YES, that is what I am going to use.

@iljafjpr That is exactly what I need to do. I have been trying to do all these things but the last few months I have felt so overwhelmed my head shuts down and I cry in the day and at night. I feel like a lot of things are insurmountable. I went to the Dr and they just upped my anti-depressant and told me to ring the free talk thing. I did that before and found CBT does not help me at all. If I call one person I think maybe it should be someone who can help me with non-functioning mental illness perhaps.

@LaviniasBigBloomers I am no contact with the brothers and the rest of the family. My father is pretending to be friendly to me as he loves triangulating. I have definitely got worse since he called me. Paranoid and I always feel like I have no where to turn.

I think I would be able to hide but I can't because of my DS. He still needs me.

I was thinking of changing my number but not sure how to do that when everything emails banks etc, is linked to that number.

@Selenitetower I would if I could definitely, but it all boils back to one thing all the time - cost.

He also told me I need to wear better clothes refine myself and change my friends! He doesn't even know my real friend!

OP you do not need CBT, CBT is offered to everyone as a one size fits all solution for depressive episodes but it won't be what you need. From reading about your abusive dad and brothers you need trauma counseling to address what has happened in your life. It is very likely you have ended up with an abusive partner because you were trained to accept abuse as normal by your father when growing up.

If you could access the right support you will find it more manageable to leave your abusive relationship and then cut contact with your abusive family. If you are in Ireland or the UK https://connectcounselling.ie/ offers free conselling to those that grew up in abusive or neglectful homes. The waiting list time varied by where you access the service but all the therapists are specially trained in abuse dynamics and trauma.

I have used this service and it has been life changing, the therapist I see is not just talking about problems/solutions but we learn techniques to handle emotions, self calming, and grounding when suffering flashbacks of traumatic memories from Complex PTSD. She has also informed me of other resources I can access for help. I spent years ( and a heap of money) in talk therapy and could make no headway with healing my depression, I blamed myself as I believed the therapists knew what they were doing but talk therapy was not suited for my trauma from past abuse. You need and deserve the support OP, I wish you well.

I think I need to make up a big story to get them off my back. Blocking at the moment would not be the best option. I need to do a gradual thing and have a great excuse. Something like a PP said say I'm in a wonderful new relationship eventually.

He seems obsessed with getting me away from who I live with for now. Not because he gives a shit about me; I think it is a way to make me more vulnerable to him and his agendas for me.

He also muttered about not having my camera on for video calls.

Your father is a despicable abuser who enjoys hurting you as much as possible.

So bear that in mind when he says about nobody wanting you when you are 50. He is ONLY saying something as vile as that in order to deliberately hurt and upset you.

If you are scared of him, then speak to the police or if you can't face doing that, talk to Women's Aid and ask for advice.

This is a man who knows he is a worthless piece of shit and probably has no one in his life.

His response to that, rather than being a better person is to shit all over someone else to make himself feel bigger.

This is his insecurity not your.

Block. Get restraining order. Whatever.

WOW @Dontbeme that sounds incredible. Thank you so much for this resource. I am in the UK and have never heard of this.

I have asked (practically begged), 2 different GPS to please refer me to trauma therapy, but the both said I have to do CBT. One a few years ago and one I asked in the last few weeks.

You are good at life. You are surrounded by abusive men who are actually bad at life. If you could find a way to free yourself your whole life could begin by 50. You are a good, worthwhile, lovable and loving person and parent who has been dragged down by assholes. That much is clear from your posts x

OP, trust me, I've passed 50 and it's bloody marvelous. I'm settled in my job, don't have to cook or clean for a man. I have female friends and hobbies, and you get past the age when you worry about all that.

I'd put your dad's ringtone to silent so you haven't blocked him but he won't disturb you, and then ignore him. If he sends you threatening messages, keep them for the police or court.

He has no hold over you any more. You are an independent woman and what he thinks is of no relevance whatsoever.

He can go and be a sad, bitter twisted old goblin on his own in whatever remote country he has fetched up in. You don't need to take any notice and that's wonderful.

Have a lazy, relaxed Christmas, and when you move, make sure you don't give him your new address. Keep your name off the public electoral roll and don't tell anyone (your ex) your new address.

If he shows up in the future, ring the police and have him arrested for harassment.

OP, I think you have good awareness that neither of the men in your life (your dad or your partner) are any good for you and if anything, are keeping you stuck with MH problems and abusive behaviour. I'm glad to hear you are leaving your partner, when you can, and I suggest you absolutely don't go to stay with your father under any circumstances, you would be choosing a bad man all over again. Stay safe.

@BabyYoshke thank you so much, it is so lovely to read your words. I am determined to free myself and start over. As I have been feeling very odd and despondent lately.

@RedToothBrush Yes he doesn't really have anyone apart from the golden one.

@furtivetussling The way he dresses up his insults, as advice about what I need to do with my life is so confusing. I thought he was trying to help at times!